The Dynasty (re-write with 1197 words)

[Cli-Fi]

I have rewritten the beginning of my WIP and would love some feedback. Going to be sticking with this theme and time period.

The Chambers rattled with echoes of cries for war. Thoughts of anarchy swept through trillions of souls at once, all connected to each other by subconscious interlinks. The Celestial Plane of Existence was thrust into chaos for the first time! Within that split second, the announcement echoed throughout the entire Celestial Government. This was when the heartbeat of the universe suddenly stopped.

The reason for all the chaos was that God had, out of the blue retired from his long reign. He told no one. Simply vanished with one last heavy sigh and it echoed throughout the universe. Not in a good way. After careful study of the events that had transpired directly before the incident. It is widely believed that he himself got fed up with the very bureaucracy he ruled. It is unclear what sent him packing.

Without appropriate preparations for this unexpected occurrence, Universal Leadership was left in ruins and became utterly dysfunctional. They had no comforting answers to the chaos that immediately followed because the scenario had never actually entered into their minds. They couldn’t imagine a world without God. Now, the rules that once governed a Billion civilizations were pretty much obsolete.

The process of picking God is not an easy matter, as you will learn. The Celestial Government acted fast. Quickly, preparations were made to secure funding and proper legal representation from main sections of the universe so that they could actually sit down and have a proper discussion about the incident. Even though no one wanted to, a meeting of epic proportions was set up across the cosmos. They had to ask the tough questions, and keep the government running without giving the public any clues as to what was actually happening behind closed doors.

A God is required so the universe could breathe easy once again. We now know that when a god dies or passes on, sudden sadness falls upon most intelligent life in the universe. It’s something that affected all souls no matter where they were at the time or ended up. Leaving a disgusting permanent after-taste which lingered on for eons. We all know that star dust is subconsciously connected to each other. Celestial members of the Government far and wide suddenly felt a universal depression. Even if they were fighting for power. The fighting made one feel something else, but only temporarily. If not treated, universal depression can dampen metaphysical advancement for entire sub-species of homo-sapiens and render some extinct in a matter of seconds. It’s a serious mental condition. While some politicians came out to help, others caused more headaches by spreading pointless paranoia. This helped no one but line their own pockets. While profiting on what was indeed the most damaging natural disaster in human history. Getting thousands of cultures to agree on who will be in charge and lead them, is nearly impossible. The differences between the species of humans that now occupied the cosmos was so vast and alien to each other, that even using the subconscious pathways to communicate could take years. After setting up a single meeting place around the symbolic and once powerful Universal Table. The process of what to do next did not get any easier.

When thousands of souls crowd together in the same area of space. An intense energy is built up. Almost enough to make a star. When these same individuals gather together many realize that they haven’t seen each other in ages and when they see each other for the first time things hardly ever go as planned. The sad state of the Universal Table with its golden throne empty. Missing its most beloved occupant, only made matters worse. New friendships and old mistakes threatened the very balance of nature. Dangerous whispers began to consume the abstract walls deep inside the Celestial Chambers. Whispers of rebellion. And of something else that hadn’t been attempted in nearly two hundred years… an election!

Ancient Earthly lore tends to portray Angels—they are often called, as soldiers of good will. While, the Angelic Realm is indeed a type of military. Complete with Captains, Lieutenants and what not. It is so under-budget and poorly mismanaged that it hardly qualifies as one. No one in their right mind would actually consider that it has any moral standards whatsoever. If they do have morals they are getting to be increasingly difficult to find. The Angels consider themselves the purest celestial beings in existence and seem to do what they want regardless of the consequences. Despite its fundamentalism and small but annoying size. The Angelic Realm does maintain one original thought process. Keeping itself loud and proud, firmly seated at the Universal Table!

At this point in historic debates, many would jump at the chance to say that the Angelic Realm’s claim to fame is the aging soul production industry. The process first made popular by the technocratic and self-proclaimed rulers of the universe The Wilson Family Dynasty. Which isn’t much of a dynasty at this point. Just a group of very rich people who shout until they get what they want. More specifically, Henry Wilson III nearly two hundred years ago, created the model for Soul Travel. Today, it is now mostly defunct. It was known before wide adaptation that it would not be a sustainable business model, but he continued with his little soul hobby anyway. It has already reached market penetration, now lacks new applicants, and is taking up huge space of real estate in the spectrum that could be used for other more tantalizing prospects. It has become quite annoying to those who have to deal with the bureaucracy on a daily basis. Like a trash bag that has been left in the middle of a sidewalk for days that you have to walk around in order to avoid falling on your face. It is an old system that no longer has meaningful uses to modern society. Why keep it around?

So getting back on topic here, the one original contribution that the Angelic Realm has given the Universe is its ability to travel through time. The Angels are kind of obsessed with the technology and refuse to share or properly regulate it. This is a problem for Universal Leadership because they have been trying to push the Wilson Family out of the little power for nearly three centuries…



There were muffled shouts of anger high above them. Universal Leadership had gathered all they could gather, and if the greetings were this chaotic, imagine how the discussion would go? Jerry Wilson felt betrayed. He felt locked out of one of the most important meetings in human history. His army and political operation were instead put into a separate section of the chamber. They obviously didn’t want to hear his side of the story. Was it fear of what he might do? Did they know what he secretly wanted more than anything else on the Plane? He was an angel, and a top ranking angel at that. It only made logical sense that they be next in line to run things. These days, however, cowardice and not loyalty was honored above all else in the Celestial Government.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It reads too much as background information and not a story. Rather than something happening, you're simply spending a lot of time explaining things for the reader. There's also a lack of focus, and it reads as a series of digressions more than anything.

It will put you in great stead as a writer if you can learn to write about what is actually happening, without explaining anything. I can only recommend that you experiment with that, because it will make writing so much easier later on.

 

[Toby Frost]

It's well-written, but, as Brian says, it's backstory. Personally, I'd cut everything before the scene break. Even you as the writer have acknowledged that it's off topic. If ever you write a roleplaying game, this would be very good introduction, but it doesn't sit well in a novel, I'm afraid.

The safest way to begin a story well is to write about one person doing something important. I don't know why, but that seems to be a format that naturally interests people. Narrow it down, lose all the epic stuff for now, and talk about an individual in a difficult situation, preferably one that he's struggling to get out of. The good news is that it looks as if that's what is about to happen. Just avoid the urge to tell the reader things. Describe only what happens, even if that means that there are bits left unclear. If that means that it's too much of a character being passive while things are explained to him, I would consider changing the scene or his role in it.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Thanks guys for your responses. I know I really like the first and last paragraphs. I think if I just cut out the rest I may be on to something. So how does this work? Better?


The Chambers rattled with echoes of cries for war. Thoughts of anarchy swept through trillions of souls at once, all connected to each other by subconscious interlinks. The Celestial Plane of Existence was thrust into chaos for the first time! Within that split second, the announcement echoed throughout the entire Celestial Government. This was when the heartbeat of the universe suddenly stopped.

There were muffled shouts of anger high above them. Universal Leadership had gathered all they could gather, and if the greetings were this chaotic, imagine how the discussion would go? Jerry Wilson felt betrayed. He felt locked out of one of the most important meetings in human history. His army and political operation were instead put into a separate section of the chamber. They obviously didn’t want to hear his side of the story. Was it fear of what he might do? Did they know what he secretly wanted more than anything else on the Plane? He was an angel, and a top ranking angel at that. It only made logical sense that they be next in line to run things. These days, however, cowardice and not loyalty was honored above all else in the Celestial Government.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

The Chambers rattled with echoes of cries for war. I like the first sentence Thoughts of anarchy swept through trillions of souls Didn't like this. Sounds like an exaggeration even if it isn't at once, all connected to each other by subconscious interlinks. The Celestial Plane of Existence was thrust into chaos for the first time! Lose the exclamation marks. They detract from the story - more is less. Within that split second, the announcement echoed throughout the entire Celestial Government. This was when the heartbeat of the universe suddenly stopped. Really, really like this, except lose the 'suddenly' for same reason as losing the exclamation marks.

There were muffled shouts of anger high above them. Universal Leadership had gathered all they could gather, Try to find a different word to replace one of these gathers and if the greetings were this chaotic, imagine how the discussion would go? Feels like you're addressing the reader, which pulls the reader out of the story. Jerry Wilson felt betrayed. He felt Too many felts locked out of one of the most important meetings in human history. His army and political operation were instead put into a separate section of the chamber. They obviously didn’t want to hear his side of the story. Was it fear of what he might do? Did they know what he secretly wanted more than anything else on the Plane? He was an angel, and a top ranking angel at that. It only made logical sense that they be next in line to run things Not clear which 'they' you mean. These days, however, cowardice and not loyalty was honored above all else in the Celestial Government.

I like your first paragraph and think the last sentence is a good hook, but using words like suddenly and very actually detract from the feeling of surprise or awe, or whatever that you're trying to portray. Same for the !

Try to be inside the mind of whichever character is telling the story, whichever POV you decide on. You need to show us by means of his emotions what he is feeling not tell us. I think it was @springs who said once that getting inside your character can be easier if you imagine yourself acting that role on stage or in a film. No doubt she'll correct me if I've remembered that bit of advice wrong.

 

[J Riff]

Okay, there's mild confusion here and there..
The Chambers rattled with echoes of cries for war. Thoughts of anarchy swept through trillions of (minds) (souls) at once, all connected to each other via subconscious interlinks. The Celestial Plane of Existence was thrust into chaos for the first time.(!- this is an extravagant enough claim even without the !) Within that split second, the announcement echoed throughout the entire Celestial Government. This was when the heartbeat of the universe suddenly stopped.
There were muffled shouts of anger high above them. Universal Leadership had gathered all (of the people? or what? )they could gather, and if the (greetings - reactions?) were this chaotic, imagine how the discussion would go?
Jerry Wilson felt betrayed. He felt locked out of one of the most important meetings in human history. His army and political operation were instead put into a separate section of the chamber. They obviously didn’t want to hear his side of the story. Was it fear of what he might do? Did they know what he secretly wanted more than anything else on the Plane(T)? He was an angel, and a top ranking angel at that. It only made logical sense that they (the Angels) be next in line to run things. These days, however, cowardice and not loyalty was honored above all else in the Celestial Government.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I like your first paragraph and think the last sentence is a good hook, but using words like suddenly and very actually detract from the feeling of surprise or awe, or whatever that you're trying to portray. Same for the !

Try to be inside the mind of whichever character is telling the story, whichever POV you decide on. You need to show us by means of his emotions what he is feeling not tell us. I think it was @springs who said once that getting inside your character can be easier if you imagine yourself acting that role on stage or in a film. No doubt she'll correct me if I've remembered that bit of advice wrong.

Thanks for your help. It really made sense.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

You are very welcome, @Cli-Fi . It's a long, hard haul, perfecting your writing style, and I reckon anyone who claims to have managed to perfect theirs is deceiving themselves. It's a never-ending learning-curve and I'm close enough to the primordial soup down at the bottom of the curve to still be daunted by the prospect of achieving the level of some of the folks here on Chrons.

Still, onwards and upwards, eh?

 

[SciFrac]

You have an amusing tone sprinkled throughout this peice, but I agree, it's all backstory. Toby is right, give us a specific person so we know whose POV to assume, it's far more grounding. We don't need all the history, we need to care about an interesting character. The longer you postpone showing us that, the more likely we'll put the book back on the shelf. Backstory and unique worlds are a dime a dozen.

 

[Cli-Fi]

You have an amusing tone sprinkled throughout this peice, but I agree, it's all backstory. Toby is right, give us a specific person so we know whose POV to assume, it's far more grounding. We don't need all the history, we need to care about an interesting character. The longer you postpone showing us that, the more likely we'll put the book back on the shelf. Backstory and unique worlds are a dime a dozen.

Thanks but, I took out the humor in a re-write, I'm working on now. It may be in the query letter for Agent's eyes only. Since after they read the query they'll have the desire to find out why it's written that way and then the ending will give them the answer.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I really like the first and last paragraphs

Think about what POV you want to write in, and why. What's you've started with is very detached, and it's arguably harder for that sort of omniscient opening to hook a reader.

Also, get used to cutting what you like - to "murder your darlings" is a common literary phrase for it.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is all interesting in the sense of the Encyclopedia Galactica, which I somehow channeled through a portion of this. Much the same with that you can only tolerate small chunks at a time. What you really need is a Ford or Arthur to follow close to the shoulder with a personal take on what's happening that the encyclopedia can't fit into all the dry words..

Unlike some I don't think you will throw or pull your reader out at all; because you never let them close from the first sentence and they are left cut loose floating away in the aether.

I would differ with the notion that this is backstory; because too much is missing.

What type of rule was he that the kingdom turns to chaos because he disappears for a few seconds. Got fed up with his own bureaucracy...sounds like he might be suffering a mental disorder.

Your entire page might be summed up::

God had been our strength and when he took that away no one knew what to do; which made perfect sense since he had ruled as though there was no tomorrow and no need to be concerned that he would ever be gone. It did not take long for those closest to notice; and it would not be all that much time before the multitude would know. Chaos abhors a vacuum; it was almost as though it had already moved in with anticipation of this exact moment. There were deep seated problems that only one mind knew about; because that was the way things were handled. It did not take much skill or time to discover that the universe had become one large festering sore that was threatening to become a major outbreak; like some flesh eating disease that would devour the entire body. The very realization was depressing. No wonder God threw in the towel. Even the Angelic agencies were so trimmed and cut back that they were of questionable moral strength. So those left who could grasp the situation did what any might expect under the circumstances and began to throw a band-aid on the problem with hopes that they would minimize the number of people who would notice that for all intent and purposes: God is dead.

But how long can they go without embalming the corpse.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

It doesn't make sense as it is but here is your character. What does Jerry see, hear, feel, taste, touch and think?

The Chambers rattled with echoes of cries for war. Within that split second, the announcement [of what] echoed throughout the entire Celestial Government.

Jerry Wilson felt betrayed, locked out of one of the most important meetings in human history. His army and political operation were instead put into a separate section of the chamber. They obviously didn’t want to hear his side of the story. Was it fear of what he might do? [I hate rhetorical questions in story but it's a style choice. Who is he addressing? I would suggest something like "He seemed to generate fear" or "Were/Maybe they afraid of what he might do] Did they know what he secretly wanted more than anything else on the Plane? He was an angel, and a top ranking angel at that. It only made logical sense that they be next in line to run things. These days, however, cowardice and not loyalty was honored above all else in the Celesial government.

 

[Cli-Fi]

This is all interesting in the sense of the Encyclopedia Galactica, which I somehow channeled through a portion of this. Much the same with that you can only tolerate small chunks at a time. What you really need is a Ford or Arthur to follow close to the shoulder with a personal take on what's happening that the encyclopedia can't fit into all the dry words..

Unlike some I don't think you will throw or pull your reader out at all; because you never let them close from the first sentence and they are left cut loose floating away in the aether.

I would differ with the notion that this is backstory; because too much is missing.

What type of rule was he that the kingdom turns to chaos because he disappears for a few seconds. Got fed up with his own bureaucracy...sounds like he might be suffering a mental disorder.

Your entire page might be summed up::

God had been our strength and when he took that away no one knew what to do; which made perfect sense since he had ruled as though there was no tomorrow and no need to be concerned that he would ever be gone. It did not take long for those closest to notice; and it would not be all that much time before the multitude would know. Chaos abhors a vacuum; it was almost as though it had already moved in with anticipation of this exact moment. There were deep seated problems that only one mind knew about; because that was the way things were handled. It did not take much skill or time to discover that the universe had become one large festering sore that was threatening to become a major outbreak; like some flesh eating disease that would devour the entire body. The very realization was depressing. No wonder God threw in the towel. Even the Angelic agencies were so trimmed and cut back that they were of questionable moral strength. So those left who could grasp the situation did what any might expect under the circumstances and began to throw a band-aid on the problem with hopes that they would minimize the number of people who would notice that for all intent and purposes: God is dead.

But how long can they go without embalming the corpse.

Wow interesting suggestion. I will probably use a sentence or two from this based on what I have already currently re-written. If that's ok. It's a bit wordy for my taste, so I'm not going to copy/paste it into what I currently have. As the new style wouldn't fit properly. I hadn't really thought that God needed a reason to disappear. Although, I have tweaked the ending a bit based on your suggestion. Which makes that ending even more amazing.

 

[Cli-Fi]

It doesn't make sense as it is but here is your character. What does Jerry see, hear, feel, taste, touch and think?

The Chambers rattled with echoes of cries for war. Within that split second, the announcement [of what] echoed throughout the entire Celestial Government.

Jerry Wilson felt betrayed, locked out of one of the most important meetings in human history. His army and political operation were instead put into a separate section of the chamber. They obviously didn’t want to hear his side of the story. Was it fear of what he might do? [I hate rhetorical questions in story but it's a style choice. Who is he addressing? I would suggest something like "He seemed to generate fear" or "Were/Maybe they afraid of what he might do] Did they know what he secretly wanted more than anything else on the Plane? He was an angel, and a top ranking angel at that. It only made logical sense that they be next in line to run things. These days, however, cowardice and not loyalty was honored above all else in the Celesial government.

Thanks I'll re-look at that question.

 

[tinkerdan]

Paraphrase all you want from that::

Wow interesting suggestion. I will probably use a sentence or two from this based on what I have already currently re-written. If that's ok. It's a bit wordy for my taste, so I'm not going to copy/paste it into what I currently have. As the new style wouldn't fit properly. I hadn't really thought that God needed a reason to disappear. Although, I have tweaked the ending a bit based on your suggestion. Which makes that ending even more amazing.

:: was just my mental ramblings on a summary.

 

[Cli-Fi]

:: was just my mental ramblings on a summary.

OK! About six years ago, I showed my parents how I think the future will be, and they said that sounds more like science fiction. So here we are. The voices in my head

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks I'll re-look at that question.

I also meant that the part I included was when you started to get into the character. It's the important bit.

 

[Dan Jones]

What everybody else said, with a few additions of my own:

The POV thing is particularly tricky. You don't want it to feel like an encyclopaedia, as tinkerdan said. One suggestion might be to borrow from The Book Thief and place God as your POV, even if it's just for this one prologue scene? The, rather than getting factual statements reporting that God had vanished out of the blue, why not let The Big Guy tell us himself? In fact, lines like "The process of picking God is not an easy matter, as you will learn" kind of hints that someone (ie not the author, but a character) is speaking to us anyway.

It might be that you want this to remain third-person, and I think that could work, but the chaps above have it about right; if this is the very beginning, it seems a little distant. If there are a lot of passages like this throughout the work it's going to seem very leaden and info-dumpy to the reader. I point this out having had to rip huge great chunks of info-dump out of my own work, so you won't be the first or last to do so

But... you clearly write very well, apart from the odd typo and error in punctuation - try to channel your voice through your characters, rather than the through some imagined historian who's trying to teach us about your world.

EDIT: I know, I know, The Book Thief used Death as the narrator, not God, but it's the same sort of thing