Untitled Story -- Chapter 2 To Be A Crown Prince

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orionsixwings

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Chapter 3: TO BE A CROWN PRINCE

He woke up with a smile. As his eyes opened up, the cheerful rays of light coming from his ornate window touched his face with such fierce yet welcoming warmth. The sweet morning breeze that swept through his grand room felt as if it was his first reward of the day. From outside he could hear the humming of birds, the rustling of leaves, the early bustle of people already working. He got up, put on his favorite trousers and doublet, washed his face and teeth and started toward his intricately carved oak door.

He was just about to turn the latch when his door suddenly opened and the most agreeable face of the day greeted him.

"Good Morning, Renseus", intoned the woman who always smiled warmly at him, her dimples making her face more amiable than ever.

"Morning, Mother!" he greeted back, and before he could go outside, his mother entered his room, taking him along beside the bed. As they became seated, his smiling mother took what seemed like a calculating look at him and tried to contemplate on the things she was about to say.

He always regarded his mother with no air of reservation. As co-ruler of the Augustine Empire, Empress Eressa was always more of a mother than a leader. He certainly treasured this fair-skinned beautiful woman with big hazel eyes, long black hair, and the legendary ready smile that makes her all the more majestic. He loved his mother fiercely.

As Empress Eressa continued on with her thoughts, her hair and white robe flowed with the air that breezed through the room, and she looked like a spectacular apparition.

Finally, her mother spoke. "Today as you know is your First-Cry Day." She smiled at him, putting her hands on his hand. "Happy First-Cry, son". She gave him a warm hug and that kiss on the check, which for the past five years he had tried hard to avoid. He could feel the blush and heat on his cheeks whenever his mother does that. This however only made his mother more adamant in giving it every time. But knowing this day was not as ordinary as his previous days of birth, he let the kiss add up to his good mood.

His mother went on. "As you know, the twentieth year of the Augustine Heir marks a change in your life. As you become Crown Prince, you have to go to Val Numinara to train with the Wardens of Life. That would be for at least one year, depending on how they see fit your training. If you can learn to summon and control the Constructive Powers, then you may perhaps become a full-pledged Warden. If not, you come back here, though not a Warden but still Warden-trained, armed with the knowledge and ability to rule your father's domain".

"Your father has arranged your departure to Val Numinara in 5 days time. He seems optimistic that you'll learn the Constructive Powers, but I doubt it, as my forefathers were never known to possess the gift, and the last time your father's line had been seen to have a gifted heir was fifteen generations ago. I personally wouldn't want you to stay there for more than one lunar cycle, but Derk is determined to have a gifted Augustine Heir, even if it means extracting you to the bone to tap that much of ability. Your father can be impossible sometimes, like his own father to him before, but he cares for his empire too much that he wants to make sure he keeps it intact the way your horrible grandparents passed it down to him. Having a Warden Heir seems appealingly powerful, but I'm just not sure if you could even beat the odds." His mother looked around his room, and continued. "You don't even know how to tidy up your own room, and you're twenty years old for Louph's sake!"

He just nodded. He had already known this custom of Augustine Heirs being sent to the most beautiful city he only heard in stories. This was since he learned to read and write, thanks to his mother's help. He just smiled at his mother's side comment, and gave her another hug.

"I'll miss you, Mother". He was unusually almost brimming with tears. The last time his mother saw him cry was when he fell and skinned his knees during his naughty youngster years. When they finally pulled apart, his mother was also wiping away some tears on her cheeks.

"Non-sense!" his mother barked, though trying quite hard to hold back her sobs. "You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that." As if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire. She broke the awkward silence with her parting words.

"Your father and I will see you at lunch then. The chambermaids should be on their way to take your breakfast here. Your father and I would really like to spend it with you to make most of our remaining times together, but state affairs have a way of stalling our gnawing stomachs most of the time. So eat your breakfast and do whatever you want until lunch. Be sure to be there on time, or I'll have your ear."

Before waving goodbye, his mother kissed him one last time and headed for the door to go attend her state affairs. At that same instant, not chambermaids but chambergrooms entered, bowing delicately to the Empress, recovered, and then bowed again this time to him. The Empress was a taken aback that there were no chambermaids to deliver the breakfast she promised, but dismissed the oddity immediately and went on her way.

After settling down his plate of breakfast, he thought he saw Vizent, one of the chambergrooms in the room, gave him a peculiar squint. He took a bite of the sumptuous roll and crispy bacon, and saw another of that squint from Vizent. Wolfing down his fill, he tentatively looked at the rest of the chambergrooms and decided on something. His morning was beginning to be perfect, and he thought to make it more perfect than ever.

"I'll only need Vizent this time. The rest of you may go to run your other errands".

With no questions asked, the rest of the chambergrooms departed, leaving a nervous-looking Vizent behind. After he consumed the last bit of roll, he turned his attention to the expectant chambergroom.

"I have six counts of catching you giving me that peculiar yet familiar look. Now, let's see what that look of yours can do".

Today, he was twenty years old. He was Renseus Ramsis, the soon to be Crown Prince of Tierra Augusti, the next ruler of the biggest and most powerful empire in the realms of the Main Continent.​
 
I can't think of when I've read a more cheerful piece of prose. :)

orionsixwings said:

"Non-sense!" his mother barked, though trying quite hard to hold back her sobs. "You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that." As if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire.​

The sentence starting 'As if' seems to be floating.

2 suggested modified forms:
"You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that," she said, as if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire.

or

"You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that." She spoke as if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire.

Or something like.
 
orionsixwings said:
Chapter 3: TO BE A CROWN PRINCE

He woke up with a smile. As his eyes opened up, the cheerful rays of light coming from​
"through" oh, it's not important
his ornate window touched his face with such
doesn't need the "such"
fierce yet welcoming warmth. The sweet morning breeze that swept through his grand room felt as if it was his first reward of the day. From outside he could hear the humming of birds, the rustling of leaves, the early bustle of people already working. He got up, put on his favorite trousers and doublet, washed his face and teeth and started toward his intricately carved oak door.

He was just about to turn the latch when his door suddenly opened and the most agreeable face of the day greeted him.

"Good Morning, Renseus", intoned
intoned? Chanted, or read in musical tones? She sang at him?
the woman who always smiled warmly at him, her dimples making her face more amiable than ever.

"Morning, Mother!" he greeted back, and before he could go outside, his mother entered his room, taking him along beside the bed
strange phrase
. As they became seated
why "became seated", instead of "sat"?
, his smiling mother took what seemed like a calculating look at him and tried to contemplate on the things she was about to say
clumsy and why "tried to contemplate on" rather than "contemplated"?
.

He always regarded his mother with no air of reservation
"with no air of reservation" meaning what, when associated with "regard"?
. As co-ruler of the Augustine Empire, Empress Eressa was always more of a mother than a leader. He certainly treasured this fair-skinned beautiful woman with big hazel eyes, long black hair, and the legendary ready smile that makes
made
her all the more majestic. He loved his mother fiercely.

As Empress Eressa continued on with her thoughts, her hair and white robe flowed with the air that breezed through the room, and she looked like a spectacular apparition.
"continued on with", "air that breezed through", "Looked like a spectacular apparition" (appearing or a ghost?) This paragraph needs some work
Finally, her mother spoke. "Today as you know is your First-Cry Day." She smiled at him, putting her hands on his hand. "Happy First-Cry, son". She gave him a warm hug and that kiss on the check
cheek
, which for the past five years he had tried hard to avoid. He could feel the blush and heat on his cheeks whenever his mother does
did
that. This however only made his mother more adamant in giving it every time. But knowing this day was not as ordinary as his previous days of birth, he let the kiss add up to his good mood.

His mother went on. "As you know, the twentieth year of the Augustine Heir marks a change in your life. As you become Crown Prince, you have to go to Val Numinara to train with the Wardens of Life. That would be for at least one year, depending on how they see fit
"see fit to train you"?
your training. If you can learn to summon and control the Constructive Powers, then you may perhaps become a full-pledged
is that "pledged" or "fledged"?
Warden. If not, you come back here, though not a Warden but still Warden-trained, armed with the knowledge and ability to rule your father's domain".

"Your father has arranged your departure to Val Numinara in 5 days time. He seems optimistic that you'll learn the Constructive Powers, but I doubt it, as my forefathers were never known to possess the gift, and the last time your father's line had been seen to have a gifted heir was fifteen generations ago.
sentence too long
I personally wouldn't want you to stay there for more than one lunar cycle, but Derk is determined to have a gifted Augustine Heir, even if it means extracting
extracting? Like a tooth?
you to the bone to tap that much of ability.
"to tap such ability as you have"?
Your father can be impossible sometimes, like his own father to him before, but he cares for his empire too much that he wants to make sure he keeps it intact the way your horrible grandparents passed it down to him. Having a Warden Heir seems appealingly powerful, but I'm just not sure if you could even beat the odds." His mother looked around his room, and continued. "You don't even know how to tidy up your own room, and you're twenty years old for Louph's sake!"

He just nodded. He had already known this custom of Augustine Heirs being sent to the most beautiful city he only heard in stories
he had only heard about in stories, and possibly, from the following sentence "that most beautiful of cities, that he had only read about in stories"
. This was since he learned to read and write, thanks to his mother's help. He just smiled at his mother's side comment, and gave her another hug.

"I'll miss you, Mother". He was unusually almost brimming with tears. The last time his mother saw him cry was when he fell and skinned his knees during his naughty youngster years. When they finally pulled apart, his mother was also wiping away some tears on her cheeks.

"Non-sense!"
nonsense
his mother barked, though trying quite hard to hold back her sobs. "You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that." As if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire.
two "trying hard"s right next to each other
She broke the awkward silence with her parting words.

"Your father and I will see you at lunch then. The chambermaids should be on their way to take
"bring your breakfast"? Unless, of course they're going to take it with him
your breakfast here. Your father and I would really like to spend it with you to make most of our remaining times together, but state affairs have a way of stalling our gnawing stomachs most of the time. So eat your breakfast and do whatever you want until lunch. Be sure to be there on time, or I'll have your ear."

Before waving goodbye, his mother kissed him one last time and headed for the door to go
and
attend her state affairs. At that same instant, not chambermaids but chambergrooms entered, bowing delicately to the Empress, recovered, and then bowed again this time to him. The Empress was
no "a"
a taken aback that there were no chambermaids to deliver the breakfast she
had
promised, but dismissed the oddity immediately and went on her way.

After settling down his plate of breakfast, he thought he saw Vizent, one of the chambergrooms in the room, gave him a peculiar squint. He took a bite of the sumptuous roll and crispy bacon, and saw another of that
no "of that"
squint from Vizent. Wolfing down his fill, he tentatively looked at the rest of the chambergrooms and decided on something. His morning was beginning to be perfect, and he thought to make it more perfect than ever.
pedantic comment . Perfection is an absolute, and can take no comparitive
"I'll only need Vizent this time. The rest of you may go to run your other errands".

With no questions asked, the rest of the chambergrooms departed, leaving a nervous-looking Vizent behind. After he consumed the last bit of roll, he turned his attention to the expectant chambergroom.

"I have six counts of catching you giving me that peculiar yet familiar look. Now, let's see what that look of yours can do".

Today, he was twenty years old. He was Renseus Ramsis, the soon to be Crown Prince of Tierra Augusti, the next ruler of the biggest and most powerful empire in the realms of the Main Continent.
 
GrownUp said:
I can't think of when I've read a more cheerful piece of prose. :)



The sentence starting 'As if' seems to be floating.

2 suggested modified forms:
"You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that," she said, as if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire.

or

"You'll be back here in no time, I'm sure of that." She spoke as if she was trying really hard to convince herself that what she just said would indeed transpire.

Or something like.


thank you, Grownup. I will keep these in mind. Really. Love to you.
 
orionsixwings said:
As always, I love all of it! Thanks Chris! Anymore suggestions? What about the prologue and chapter 1? :eek:
When I got round to reading the previous thread (I can't always drop everything to read them; for some reason people seem to expect me to do some work from time to time) Paradox had already done a splendit job and, comparing the list I'd made with his I decided it wasn't worth duplicating the effort. Still ( deep sigh) if you think it'll help…:D
 
I have seen the suggested corrections. Havingsaid that it was very readable.
DavidB
 
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