The duration of a song.

[Lacedaemonian]

It seemed to drag it's deformed feet
Time; and I kept telling myself it won't be long,
Before they go and my anguished head finds sleep
Yet it was only the duration of a song.
They ask the same question with different words,
Mouthed differently, some emoted some calm
And I pause as if to speak but in doing would be absurd
Their voices crash my ears like an early morning radio alarm.
I am confused and tired and forget the answers they seek
Do not care for their feelings as they wish me to do
Each impeaches me, tries to force me to speak
If only each of them ever knew, what I had lost in loving you....

 

[Culhwch]

I'm not sure how I feel about this piece, Lace. Not as good as some of your previous efforts, though I do like the last line....

Some points I would revise:

It seemed to drag it's deformed feet

I think 'its' not 'it's'.

Mouthed differently, some emoted some calm

A comma after 'emoted', plus I'm not sure about that word choice. It seems too general to me.

Their voices crash my ears like an early morning radio alarm.

'...crash in my ears...'

Do not care for their feelings as they wish me to do

I'd strip the 'do' away, seems to flow better without it.

I'm far from an expert on poetry, mind. I'm very literal and prose-minded. If some of these things are stylistic choices, then feel free to ignore them! Hope this helps a bit, though....

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I did not realise that anybody had read this. I wrote this off the top of my head straight into the post. I had some thoughts of a situation I was in not so long ago. I guess I struggled to convey these thoughts or the sheer chaos of that moment. Then again, I did not put much effort into this. All of your coments are correct. And I would agree it is not a good peice, though it touches on a personal moment I can not speak of.

Thanks.

 

[littlemissattitude]

Actually, Lace, I like that a lot. It may not be perfect (poems seldom are, after all), but it seems to catch a moment quite well. Especially for something you wrote "off the top of your head", it is quite effective. I've always been of the opinion that poetry is successful if it captures a moment, or a feeling. Getting it "right", as far as the rules of poetry, is secondary to me.

I do have one quibble, and that is the word "impeaches" in the next to the last line. That bothers me because I'm not quite sure what you mean by it. Maybe that's just me, thinking of it more in the political meaning it has.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Impeaches - To make an accusation against or charges with improper conduct.

Both definitions are relevant and I guess the political conotation is not lost on this moment either.

Thanks for reading and leaving your views Ima.

 

[edott]

Their voices crash my ears like an early morning radio alarm..

welli really like it except this line which seems to throw the entire rythym off, i mean dude up to that line my head was nodding to a silent beat the poem seemed to generate for me. and then it was like getting knocked off a bicycle.

 

[cornelius]

wel, maybe that's the effect he wanted to generate- he IS the dux Bellorum
I can easely pick up the beat again, I like it, don't love it, but once nicely sung or said with rythmn it might be good

 

[Lacedaemonian]

welli really like it except this line which seems to throw the entire rythym off, i mean dude up to that line my head was nodding to a silent beat the poem seemed to generate for me. and then it was like getting knocked off a bicycle.

Hillariously accurate.

 

[j d worthington]

All right; while I agree the feet are imperfect here (and, yes, I'm pedant enough to have some quibbles with that) I also agree that this seems quite powerful to me. The imagery is certainly arresting, and very immediate; and the emotion is veiled enough to not be throwing too much out there, but clear enough to hit a chord with just about anyone who has been through much in life. If you were to try to get it published, I'd say to polish it technically; but as a way to express a moment, I think it works very well indeed.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I wrote this awhile ago mate. I was just looking through all my critiques to see if I had anything there from my old hard drive and noticed this comment. Thought it was very true.

The poem described one of those horrible moments/ short periods where you simply just want it to pass. Interesting for me reading it now, as it seems like an alien situation.