Of Thieves And Magick - 1st part

[SamMiller]

Hi all,
Ive recently finished this after i got bored writing another piece and was just wondering what your opinions are. any comments are welcomed and i look forward to reading them.

The mechanism clicked softly and the door swung slowly outwards on oiled hinges. Grasping the light stick between his teeth, his brow furrowed as the meagre light illuminated the interior of the safe. Nothing. He sighed inwardly, he had spent much too long inside the house as it was but he hated leaving empty-handed.
He was just about to turn away when something caught his eye. A slight gap between the back of the safe and the top caused him to look closer. He squinted in the rapidly diminishing light and placed his gloved hand against the back of the safe. He knocked it gently. It was hollow. Using a thin, hooked tool he pried the back out and he gasped in delight when he saw several pouches inside.
Grinning with glee he emptied the contents of a deep red velvet pouch into his cupped hand. Gems of every hue winked up at him in the dim light. Hardly believing his luck he began to greedily gather up the pouches, placing them in any number of secret pockets stitched into the inside of his cloak.
In his enthusiasm he nudged a small cabinet beside him with his elbow. His eyes widened as a large, exquisitely painted vase teetered on the edge and plunged towards the bare wood floor. Diving underneath it he caught it in his arms. Breathing in deep steady breaths he lay there for a few moments, hoping that the noise hadn’t woken anyone. His heart was pounding so hard he thought it might burst from his chest. It was definitely time to leave.
Gathering up the last of the pouches he slunk over to the opened window through which he had made his unannounced visit. Upon climbing out he was met by an icy chill that seeped into his thin clothes. He grimaced in discomfort, wishing he had worn warmer clothing. Taking one last glance around the room he prepared to leap from the sill onto the adjacent building.
As he bent his knees to launch himself into the night air a sudden angered shout caused him to lose his footing and he found himself plummeting towards the cobbled street below. Almost instinctively his arm shot out and grabbed the sill. Suppressing a shout of alarm he hung from the first story window his teeth gritting with the effort of keeping himself from falling.
Gods this just isn’t my night he thought.
He managed a quick grin as he realised what a sight he would be to anyone who saw him there, dangling from a first story window in the dead of night. His mirth was quickly replaced with horror as a head thrust out of the window above him, searching the rooftops for the thief who had just nabbed most of his savings. He gasped involuntarily and clamped his hand over his mouth as he sway there directly underneath the victim of his nights dalliances. Please don’t look down he prayed silently.
His fingers began to cramp, pain shot through his forearm. Eyes watering and hardly daring to breathe he hung for what seemed like hours until finally with a growl of anger, the head disappeared into the building. The window slammed shut behind a moment after.
He let out an explosive breath and gripped the window ledge with his other arm and pulled himself up, grunting with effort. Perching there he wondered at his bad luck. He quickly revised his opinions of the night however, when he remembered the small fortune he had safely tucked within the folds of his cloak. His lips curled into a smile as he leapt onto the roof of the adjacent building. Landing on cat’s feet he slunk stealthily into the night.

 

[scalem X]

Mmm actually I had the imagination that I'd really like this chapter better if only I knew some more about the main character before reading. While being relatively decent written, it loses his strength since it is not an introduction, but neither a "throw into action scene".

But I'm somehow tired and so I'll maybe check later to add some comments on your personal style. Or maybe someone else could do it .

 

[alexhurry]

This piece isn't badly written, but it could have more explanation as to who the main character is and why he is behaving as he is and so on.

 

[jackokent]

Hi SamMiller

This is just the sort of storey I like. My origional post (Ershia) starts with a thief hanging from a rooftop above cobbles, wishing they hadn't looked down. So this is right up my street.

One point on the style, there was a lot of "He sighed inwardly" and "he gasped in delight " and "Grinning with glee" and "He grimaced in discomfort" etc etc and I think it would read better if you found other ways of suggesting how he was feeling. Maybe it just repetative sintax. Or too many sentences begining with he.

"Perching there he wondered at his bad luck. He quickly revised his opinions of the night however, when he remembered the small fortune he had safely tucked within the folds of his cloak. " To me this second sentence felt a bit clumbsy tacked onto the first.

I have to disagree with the other critiques as I didn't mind being in the middle of the action and not knowing anything about the thief. As there was so much action I didn't need to know about him straight away and assume that when said theif gets a breather he will reveal more about his character.

Can we read more?

 

[Herew]

I partly agree with Jack, I don't mind being in the middle of the action. But the other part of me agrees with Alex. A balance between the two would look great and could serve to make the reader feel more tention as the main character is doing his job. Keep going!

 

[chrispenycate]

Hi all,
Ive recently finished this after i got bored writing another piece and was just wondering what your opinions are. any comments are welcomed and i look forward to reading them.

The mechanism clicked softly and the door swung slowly outwards on oiled hinges. Grasping the light stick between his teeth,

pedantic, since we understand; it was not his brow that was gripping the light stick (unless he has teeth in a very strange place)

his brow furrowed as the meagre light illuminated the interior of the safe. Nothing. He sighed inwardly,

this feels like a "semicolonish" gap, two complete sentences can't be separated with a comma

he had spent much too long inside the house as it was but he hated leaving empty-handed.
He was just about to turn away when something caught his eye. A slight gap between the back of the safe and the top caused him to look closer. He squinted in the rapidly diminishing light and placed his gloved hand against the back of the safe. He knocked it gently. It was hollow. Using a thin, hooked tool he pried the back out and he gasped in delight when he saw several pouches inside.
Grinning with glee

don't like "Grinning with glee", and there should be a comma in there

he emptied the contents of a deep red velvet pouch into his cupped hand. Gems of every hue winked up at him in the dim light. Hardly believing his luck he began to greedily gather up the pouches, placing them in any

personal "a number". Tones it down from a description of his clothing to a simple statement that transmits the same information

number of secret pockets stitched into the inside of his cloak.
In his enthusiasm he nudged a small cabinet beside him with his elbow. His eyes widened as a large, exquisitely painted vase teetered on the edge and plunged towards the bare wood floor. Diving underneath it he caught it in his arms. Breathing in deep steady breaths he lay there for a few moments, hoping that the noise hadn’t woken anyone. His heart was pounding so hard he thought it might burst from his chest. It was definitely time to leave.
Gathering up the last of the pouches he slunk over to the opened window through which he had made his unannounced visit. Upon climbing out he was met by an icy chill that seeped into

probably seeped through?

his thin clothes. He grimaced in discomfort, wishing he had worn warmer clothing. Taking one last glance around the room he prepared to leap from the sill onto the adjacent building.
As he bent his knees to launch himself into the night air a sudden angered shout caused him to lose his footing and he found himself plummeting towards the cobbled street below. Almost instinctively his arm shot out and grabbed the sill. Suppressing a shout of alarm he hung from the first story window

comma

his teeth gritting with the effort of keeping himself from falling.
Gods this just isn’t my night he thought.
He managed a quick grin as he realised what a sight he would be to anyone who saw him there, dangling from a first story window in the dead of night. His mirth was quickly replaced with horror as a head thrust out of the window above him, searching the rooftops for the thief who had just nabbed most of his savings. He gasped involuntarily and clamped his hand over his mouth as he sway

swayed there comma directly

there directly underneath the victim of his nights dalliances. Please don’t look down he prayed silently.
His fingers began to cramp, pain shot through his forearm. Eyes watering and hardly daring to breathe he hung for what seemed like hours until finally with a growl of anger, the head disappeared into the building.

it wasn't the eyes that didn't dare to breath. This sentence goes too long without punctuation. Perhaps "Eyes watering, hardly daring ti breath, he hung for what seemed like hours untilfinally, with a growl of anger,"? That way, the reader gets to breath too

The window slammed shut behind a moment after.
He let out an explosive breath

Two "and"s in a sentence. You could replace the first one with a comma. Not a very experienced thief? He makes a lot of noise when he doesn't consider himself under direct observation, and had apparently left the safe door open

and gripped the window ledge with his other arm and pulled himself up, grunting with effort. Perching there he wondered at his bad luck. He quickly revised his opinions of the night however, when he remembered the small fortune he had safely tucked within the folds of his cloak. His lips curled into a smile as he leapt onto the roof of the adjacent building. Landing on cat’s feet he slunk stealthily into the night.

Slightly over descriptive, the adjectives and adjectival phrases distracting at times from the suspence. The characters are not very developed, but in an action like this, any character description would detract from the story line (besides, the victim is a cypher, a bout whom we are never going to learn anything, and we can learn more about the thief when he gets down from the roofs and warms up.

 

[BookStop]

I agree with Jack and Chris. Love the action, and am now looking forward to learning more about the thief in due time.

 

[SamMiller]

Thanks for all your comments, they have certainly helped a lot. I've just finished the next part so i'll post it soon.

 

[SamMiller]

Hi,
Heres the next part, I look forward to reading any comments you have.

"Well what a ma sposeda do then, eh?" Said the small, none to clean man standing before the counter. Standing behind the counter was a tall, stern looking man who regarded him with an expression of unhidden irritation.
"I could make a few suggestions but I don’t fink you’d like em" he replied with an expressive look.
"You know the deal, it’s not my problem if you ain’t got anything to pay for yer keep" The small man looked up at him, his face a mask of distress, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.
"Look just get out of ere before I call over big Nige, an you don’t want me to call over big Nige do you Neb"
The small man threw a nervous glance over to the gentleman in question. Nige served as the peacekeeper in the guild flophouse, a post he fitted perfectly due mostly to the fact that he closely resembled a grizzly bear, only with a shorter temper. Upon hearing his name, the huge man swung his head around and grinned maliciously at Neb. Gulping slightly, Neb quickly backed out towards the door, being careful to keep the great hulk well within view. Just as he reached the door, he collided with another figure that had just turned into the room.
"Hey watch it you clumsy ass", the newcomer said angrily.
"Why don’t you watch it you….oh its you Caleb, sorry bout’ that I was just…" He cut off mid-sentence and ducked out of the doorway into the night.

Muttering a curse, Caleb looked around the large room. It was filled wall to wall with hard sleeping pallets, Men, women and even a few children occupied most of them, though a few lay empty. The room was lit by rows of lamps set into the bare stone walls, casting a flickering light around the room. Deep shadows pooled in the room’s corners, most likely cloaking rats and other vermin. The floor was made of compacted dirt, giving the room a musty, earthy smell. It was warm, humid and not very pleasant, but it was safe and out of the way, and that was good enough for him.

Caleb had only recently reached his thirty-fifth year, though few would have thought that if they saw him. He had a thin almost feminine nose and a strong jaw line. A pair of quick, intelligent eyes matched the colour of his thick, shoulder length chestnut brown hair which was tied carefully back behind his head. He held himself with a confidence that came only with experience.
"Ah Caleb my friend!" He turned around to see the man behind the counter beckoning him over.
"Evening Vachel, you’re looking well" Vachel was the manager for the flophouse in the area, there were many other flophouses scattered around the city each managed by a guild member who lacked the skills necessary to be of much use in the streets.
"I might say the same about you, business good?" replied Vachel
"Would I be here if it wasn’t?" Caleb withdrew the pouches from within his cloak and placed them on the counter before Vachel. Upon seeing the bulging pouches, he began to rub his hands together in anticipation, a greedy gleam sparked in his eyes.
"My my you have been busy". He gasped in delight as he emptied the contents of the pouches into a shallow dish. There were around thirteen semi-precious gemstones along with a healthy amount of gold and silver coins. He divided the loot carefully, placing about a quarter of it into a strongbox hidden beneath the counter. Caleb then replaced the rest into the pouches and pocketed them.
"Right well there are a few spare places tonight so you just go and take your pick, you’re not in time for food so you’ll ave’ to do without till’ morning" announced Vachel, waving his arm towards the empty sleeping pallets. Caleb nodded in reply and walked carefully between the pallets towards a free one near the corner. He threw his cloak onto the hard sleeping mat and sat down.

Caleb had grown up in the poorer part of the city. His mother had worked as a maid in a wealthy merchants home in the inner city but had been thrown out when she fell pregnant. Who his father was, he’d never know but he assumed it was one of the household staff that had worked alongside his mother. His mother had died when he was just six years of age, murdered in her bed by some drunken lout or another who hadn’t been keen on paying her fees. Since then he had sought protection from the thieves guild, starting out as a beggar boy. He grew in skill and experience and became a pickpocket then finally he went into burglary. In exchange for the guilds protection and the use of their flophouses, each thief had to give a portion of their ‘earnings’ to the guild or be cast out. The thieves guild were the real power in the poorer districts of the city. They controlled almost all illegal activities in the city from smuggling and assassinations to petty theft and begging. The guild flophouses were located throughout the poor districts, providing a safe haven for thieves and cutthroats and other unsavoury characters.

 

[chrispenycate]

I suggest you put each section into a separate thread; this prevents comments about different segments getting tangled up together. Not everyone can critique immediately, and there will doubtless be latecomers for the first section.

Hi,
Heres the next part, I look forward to reading any comments you have.

"Well what a ma sposeda do then, eh?" Said the small, none to

too

clean man standing before the counter. Standing behind the counter was a tall, stern looking man who regarded him with an expression of unhidden irritation.

rather heavy on the repetition; "man" "standing" "counter". A litle variety would spice it up

"I could make a few suggestions but I don’t fink you’d like em" he replied with an expressive look.
"You know the deal, it’s not my problem if you ain’t got anything to pay for yer keep" The small man looked up at him, his face a mask of distress, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.
"Look

comma

just get out of

apostrophe

ere before I call over big Nige, an

apostrophe

you don’t want me to call over big Nige

comma

do you Neb"

question mark, even if it is rhetorical

The small man threw a nervous glance over to the gentleman in question. Nige served as the peacekeeper in the guild flophouse, a post he fitted perfectly

comma

due mostly to the fact that he closely resembled a grizzly bear, only with a shorter temper. Upon hearing his name, the huge man swung his head around and grinned maliciously at Neb. Gulping slightly, Neb quickly backed out towards the door, being careful to keep the great hulk well within view. Just as he reached the door, he collided with another figure that had just turned into the room.

he'd turned into a room?

"Hey

comma

watch it you clumsy ass", the newcomer said angrily.
"Why don’t you watch it you….oh its you Caleb, sorry

'bout

bout’ that I was just…" He cut off mid-sentence and ducked out of the doorway into the night.

Muttering a curse, Caleb looked around the large room. It was filled wall to wall with hard sleeping pallets, Men, women and even a few children occupied most of them, though a few lay empty. The room was lit by rows of lamps set into the bare stone walls, casting a flickering light around the room. Deep shadows pooled in the room’s corners, most likely cloaking rats and other vermin. The floor was made of compacted dirt, giving the room a musty, earthy smell. It was warm, humid and not very pleasant, but it was safe and out of the way, and that was good enough for him.

Caleb had only recently reached his thirty-fifth year, though few would have thought that if they saw him. He had a thin almost feminine nose and a strong jaw line. A pair of quick, intelligent eyes matched the colour of his thick, shoulder length chestnut brown hair which was tied carefully back behind his head. He held himself with a confidence that came only with experience.
"Ah Caleb my friend!" He turned around to see the man behind the counter beckoning him over.
"Evening Vachel, you’re looking well" Vachel was the manager for the flophouse in the area, there were many other flophouses scattered around the city each managed by a guild member who lacked the skills necessary to be of much use in the streets.

this sentence could be tightened up. "in the area" is superfluous, and the end is too long without punctuation

"I might say the same about you, business good?" replied Vachel
"Would I be here if it wasn’t?" Caleb withdrew the pouches from within his cloak and placed them on the counter before Vachel. Upon seeing the bulging pouches, he began to rub his hands together in anticipation, a greedy gleam sparked in his eyes.
"My my

comma

you have been busy". He gasped in delight

gasping in delight isn't something an experienced enforcer should indulge in. This can't be that outstanding a haul

as he emptied the contents of the pouches into a shallow dish. There were around thirteen semi-precious gemstones along with a healthy amount of gold and silver coins

to go with "amount", a non-numeric quantity, I'd prefer "coin" over "coins"

. He divided the loot carefully, placing about a quarter of it into a strongbox hidden beneath the counter. Caleb then replaced the rest into

"in" rather than "into"

the pouches and pocketed them.
"Right well there are a few spare places tonight so you just go and take your pick, you’re not in time for food so you’ll ave’ to do without till’ morning" announced Vachel, waving his arm towards the empty sleeping pallets. Caleb nodded in reply and walked carefully between the pallets towards a free one near the corner. He threw his cloak onto the hard sleeping mat and sat down.

Caleb had grown up in the poorer part of the city. His mother had worked as a maid in a wealthy merchants home in the inner city but had been thrown out when she fell pregnant. Who his father was, he’d never know but he assumed it was one of the household staff that had worked alongside his mother. His mother had died when he was just six years of age, murdered in her bed by some drunken lout or another who hadn’t been keen on paying her fees. Since then he had sought protection from the thieves guild, starting out as a beggar boy. He grew in skill and experience and became a pickpocket then finally he went into burglary. In exchange for the guilds protection and the use of their flophouses, each thief had to give a portion of their ‘earnings’ to the guild or be cast out. The thieves guild were the real power in the poorer districts of the city. They controlled almost all illegal activities in the city from smuggling and assassinations to petty theft and begging. The guild flophouses were located throughout the poor districts, providing a safe haven for thieves and cutthroats and other unsavoury characters.

Even when trying to duplicate strange dialects (perhaps especially then) punctuation is useful. An apostrophe replaces a missing letter or letters (as in 'ere or 'em, but not at the end of the word missing the letter, as in ave' (should be 'ave) "Till" is a word, not an abreviation of "until". And commas to mark breaths, unless the character is speaking in a continuous, unbroken stream (which I don't think any of these were) The last, descriptive paragraph is a bit indigestable_ can't you fit some of the information in earlier? (you nearly have with the guy getting thrown out at the start of this excerpt; a few more words there, and you wouldn't have to detail the guild "tythe" system, making a much more manageble end.