Unspoken Treasure

[Herew]

I've been working on this idea and trying to develop my skill at writing a battle but I find myself stuck at an introduction so here it is:


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Deep in the mines of Dunbern- where dwarfs once lived and worked- a mighty battle, a grievous war was being fought. Men clashed against goblins in order to protect an unspoken treasure. The frays were fierce and many men fell into darkness. The goblins were immense in number and clever of mind.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]The men had been forced back until all they defended was the Great Hall of Dunbern, under which the unspoken treasure dwelt.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]In an attempt to find weaknesses in the enemy forces, scout teams were sent out; eight in all, each numbering four soldiers and one officer. The eighth team was sent into the western wing of Dunbern.[/FONT]

 

[bendoran]

just a few points, the first sentence says a mighty battle, a grievous war. Shouldnt this be a mighty battle of a grievous war? It doesnt read right otherwise as the two things have different meanings and repitition therefore is not suitable. Also if the men have been pushed back to this great hall, how then are they sending scouting parties out? Thats forty people in different directions, seems a bit much to just slip through an enemy army in any situation let alone in an underground tunnel system.

 

[scalem X]

There are many ways to describe a battle: from one of the two sides, seen from the view of one person. Overall general view (like you did here), overall detailed view, multiple characters on both sides...

It depends what you want to do with it in the story. You seem somehow to dwell between giving the general information about a war, just because it's necessary and going into detail to make it interesting.
choose between:

1:Massive armies of orcs entered the mines of Dunbern, the home of the dwarves in ancient times, but now humans fought here, defending an unspoken treasure. The orc's numbers and intellect gave them the advantage and the humans were quickly forced to draw back to their last place of Defense, the great hall, home of the unspoken treasure. The captain of the humans was desperate, but since surrender was not an option, eight teams were assembled. They should find a way to hit the orcs and drive them back and they should do it quick...

2: Eight teams were all hope that was left for the humans. The war had gone bad and the orcs had drawn them back to the great hall. It was an honour to be part of one of the teams, but the pressure was immense, if they weren't able to find a plan, the orcs would inevitably prevail and claim the so important unspoken treasure.

The second is quick info, the first is the full story and could even use some more info. There are other choices ofcourse, but I can only show you what I would do with it and well I'm not much of a writer so...

And on the 8 teams, one could have a tunnel system with small corridors and larger ones, the larger are where the battles are fought, but the small ones can maybe only support small patrols. They could even start digging it all depends.

 

[Alicia]

Intresting beginning, but it leaves me with many questions....a desire for more information - I guess to formulate a more accurate opinion...I'd have to read more. It sounds good tho, as a beginning BECAUSE it makes me want to read on and learn more.

 

[splitofalr]

Re: Unspoken Treasure
As soon as I read the introduction, I was there:

A cold silence came over the men. This hall seemed decorated. Not with jewels like the other halls but with forgotten words and a familiar image. KarDan steady his torch over the image. Camer noticed his master frozen at the wall. "What is it master," asked Camer.
As if woken from a spell, KarDan grabbed his dagger and stabbed the image of the beast over and over again.
"Master.." started Camer.
"Nothing," coldly stated KarDan. KarDan faced his troops. They were tired, but they had come too far. "I want everyman's ear on these walls," order KarDan.
The men's armor clamored to the surrounding walls. SlipSol's ear was at the end of the hall.
An astounded SlipSol confirmed KarDan's fear. "Captain, I hear breathing," spoke SlipSol.

 

[BooberApGrumbly]

I'd suggest alot more showing instead of just telling us this little commercial blurb -- sounds like a marketing piece. I prefer to do third person POV and you can show the war through that person's thoughts and their involvement in the war.

You can also begin to throw in dialogue and interaction between those who have struggled through the many terrible battles.

actually I think the better story is why the dwarves are no longer there and how they came to be gone.

writing was good but don't be expository.

Darrin Coe

 

[splitofalr]

"Why" brings many nightmares and answers to the surface.