Unspoken Treasure 1

[Herew]

This is what I have so far, enjoy and critique!


“[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Nyer...Nyer, get down,” the whispered command echoed through the expansive western hall. Darkness engulfed the eighth team, the only light coming from Ikinarn torches left behind by the dwarfs, which burned blue for eternity.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Once he was sure Nyer was well hidden by the darkness, Asrac, the eighth team commander knelt behind a fallen column to look at his personal map of the western hall. His team was appointed to scout the western hall and evaluate if any danger existed in the west. They would scout as far as the Ath atrium, once a stronghold for the men, now a ruined camp.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]The small sound of a shifting rock brought Asrac's attention back to the western hall. He quickly made eye contact with the four members of his team, all who were looking at him. Another shifting noise was heard followed by what sounded like the rasp of steel on steel. The goblins were close.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Asrac drew a pale, iridescent green stone from a pouch at his belt and mumbled a few words over it. The stone turned red. The stone's twin, back in the Great Hall, would turn red as well and alert the forces that defended the hall to what danger was coming.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Slowly drawing his sword at his back so as not to make a sound, Asrac moved into a squatting position near the edge of his cover and signaled his team to be ready. He knew that the goblins would sent a scouting party before the main troops advanced. If his team could silently kill the opposing scouts and retreat to the Great Hall, they may have time to form an ambush.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]The fist goblin scout came into the blue torch light, his green skin and yellow eyes stirred Asrac's heart to hatred. Goblin scout parties always traveled in groups of eight. Three more goblins stepped into the light. Wulf, a brutish man with red hair and a mighty battle axe signaled that he saw two more. Nyer, the only female in the team and an archer signed that she knew where the last two were.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Asrac nodded then waited for the first four goblins pass his position. As soon as they were clear of him, he sprang up behind the last goblin- slitting its throat. He spun around and decapitated another one while following through and stabbing the third in the chest.[/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]The lead goblin spun around and received a double sword thrust from Tsial and Kial, the blades of Jaron and Felon. They were brothers and the youngest members of Asrac's team. Wulf and Nyer joined the group and reported their successes.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Good work, eighth team, “ congratulated Asrac, “Now let's get back to camp and warn our forces.” [/FONT]

 

[alexhurry]

Good work, reminds me vaguely of Forgotten Realms and maybe a touch of LOTR. Well written will we see more?

 

[Herew]

Yes I've already writen the next part, I'm just waiting for some more crtiques. And thank you for your reply. I'm not familiar with Forgotten Realms but I'll look into it!

 

[violetann]

*just as a explanation forgotten realms is a campaign setting for Dungeons and dragons game by the wizards of the coasts.. it's like default setting for people to play the game instead of making up a whole world people can choose to use the campaign setting and use some books and resources written for it.*

It was a nice battle start but not really my style since there was nothing about why there. Like why do they care about the goblins (the goblins might just want somewhere to live they might not be bothering none). What’s so important other than it's an old place may be it's explained later. Also nothing really to make you care about the charters to make you want to learn about what becomes of them or even to really want to hate them so you continue to read to hear how they get squished. Again may be you cover it later but at the moment it don't really feel drawn to them.

 

[Alicia]

Reminds me a bit of D&D - fabulous! To be honest...I like this part better than the previous - more is explained and there is more detail to the scene and those in it. It seems like the flow of the story is finally being set. Good job!

 

[BookStop]

I agree with Alicia. This part is much better than the introduction yesterday. I look forward to reading whatever is coming next. The only critique I can offer is: The last line leaves the team on their way to warn their forces, but the stone glowing red was already a warning. Maybe they can head back to make sure the forces recieved the earlier warning, or let the forces know they survived the encounter. I don't know; just a thought.

Do you write short stories or are you starting a novel? Have you been published anywhere? Check out afterburnsf.com. Your writing style seems a good match for their site.