Planetnappers

[chrispenycate]

Most people put their "hyperspace limits" or their wormhole junctions well away from their civilisation, so that warfleets can't just sweep in, anihilate the planet and be out before the alarm was raised. But what if ships could just flash from star to star, and had to have so much energy to do so that nowhere was safe; how could survival be ensured?

“Planetnapping ?“
“It’s the best wordwe’ve come up with.. At 06 :83, UCT, the entire planet disappeared, leaving its gravitational field, but taking its magnetic one, its atmosphere and everything on its surface. One of the ships in orbitflew clean through the space where it ough to have been, and recorded a gravitational gradient similar to the one if the planet had still been there, but they had no advanced scientific training or aparatus “
“I wouldn’t have wanted to do that. Demands, you said ?“
“Yes, transmitted from one of the satelites left orbiting the gravitational nexus tha had contained a planet. From some religious group.They want the implants removed from all their cobelievers, evrywhere in the Empire, reproductive freedom, liberty of worship, all the standard things“
“The fools – can’t they see that, with transit times between the stars so short, a single, strong Empire, with a single, strong belief system is our only hope for survival ? When the smallest of interstellar ships commands enough energy to render any planet uninhabitable ? And where a child can convert it to release that energy as a weapon in a few hours ?“
This latter was true. The Empire had rid itself of several of its rivals early on, using this technique. In an environment of universal trade no government could afford to stop all shipping ; and a programmed infant was less likely to be suspected than an adult agent.
“And none of the standard attack scenarios will work ?“
Calmly ignoring his boss’ assumption that he was stupid, or ineffectual, the minister for stability brought up the list of techniques to bring rebelling territories back under control, from tried and tested to proposed and filed as “outrageous, but conceivable“ All glowed bright red, and the two men’s features looked like demons from an earlier, more supersticious age.
“All matter, all energy goes through as if there were nothing there. Clthu alone knows where they’re getting the power to run their indusry, agriculture, terraforming. A black hole might do it, since gravity gets through, but towing an existing black hole would take at least eight hundred years, after we’d built the ships and worked out a way of coupling them to the event horizon, and the research to make a black hole from scratch would probably take as long, or longer, and almost certainly bring up fresh, original science ; absolutely the worst thing for maintaining stability“
The Emperor stretched ; rarely had he felt his centuries so heavy.
“At least, cut off from commerce as they are, they can’t last long ; it’s impossible for a single planet to be autosufficient, an when the populace understand that they’re cut off from their luxuries, they’ll insist on the planet being brought back. When it is, you must be ready with whatever force is nescessary. We cannot be seen to be weak”

 

[BookStop]

This is my first grammatical-type critique. Hope you don't mind my trying out my English skills on you I don't really know how to post your text in a quote box.

anihilate annihilate

“It’s the best wordwe’ve come up with.. At 06 :83, UCT, the entire planet disappeared, leaving its gravitational field, but taking its magnetic one, its atmosphere and everything on its surface. One of the ships in orbitflew clean through the space where it ough to have been, and recorded a gravitational gradient similar to the one if the planet had still been there, but they had no advanced scientific training or aparatus “
word we've; 06:83(no space I assume);not sure what UCT is 'united ? time' no comma after 83; orbit flew; ought; apparatus.

“I wouldn’t have wanted to do that. Demands, you said ?“
said?"

“Yes, transmitted from one of the satelites left orbiting the gravitational nexus tha had contained a planet. From some religious group.They want the implants removed from all their cobelievers, evrywhere in the Empire, reproductive freedom, liberty of worship, all the standard things“
satellites; that had contained; co-believers; everywhere; things.
after cobelievers I would not comma, but after Empire, and freedom, and worship I would semi-colon

“The fools – can’t they see that, with transit times between the stars so short, a single, strong Empire, with a single, strong belief system is our only hope for survival ? When the smallest of interstellar ships commands enough energy to render any planet uninhabitable ? And where a child can convert it to release that energy as a weapon in a few hours ?“
This latter was true. The Empire had rid itself of several of its rivals early on, using this technique. In an environment of universal trade no government could afford to stop all shipping ; and a programmed infant was less likely to be suspected than an adult agent."
no comma after that; suvival?; the commas beteewn single, strong are optional; I almost prefer commas or semi-colons instead of ?s between the fragments; no comma after on; trade comma; shipping comma;

“And none of the standard attack scenarios will work ?“

Calmly ignoring his boss’ assumption that he was stupid, or ineffectual, the minister for stability brought up the list of techniques to bring rebelling territories back under control, from tried and tested to proposed and filed as “outrageous, but conceivable“ All glowed bright red, and the two men’s features looked like demons from an earlier, more supersticious age.
“All matter, all energy goes through as if there were nothing there. Clthu alone knows where they’re getting the power to run their indusry, agriculture, terraforming.

no comma after stupid; is Minister of Stability a title worth capitlizing; techniques (used) bring; tested comma; filed comma; 'outrageous, but inconceivable'. ; superstitious; industry; and terraforming

A black hole might do it, since gravity gets through, but towing an existing black hole would take at least eight hundred years, after we’d built the ships and worked out a way of coupling them to the event horizon, and the research to make a black hole from scratch would probably take as long, or longer, and almost certainly bring up fresh, original science ; absolutely the worst thing for maintaining stability“
no comma after years; horizon. And ; bring about fresh; stability."

The Emperor stretched; rarely had he felt his centuries so heavy.
heavy?? heavily

“At least, cut off from commerce as they are, they can’t last long; it’s impossible for a single planet to be autosufficient, an when the populace understand that they’re cut off from their luxuries, they’ll insist on the planet being brought back. When it is, you must be ready with whatever force is nescessary. We cannot be seen to be weak.”
and when; necessary;

Interesting concept you have going here. I find a bit confusing seperating who is talking with whom. Is there more story coming?

 

[FelineEyes]

Interesting notion, if a little confusing. Think on this though, what whould happen to a ship if it flew right through the graivational force of a planet? Probably the same thing if a ship tried to fly through the center of the Earth, without the extreme heat of the inner layers. What would that kind of pressure do, phyiscally, to a spaceship. Could your ship handle that?
On another note, how can there be a gravational field with the planet? I'm not too sure on how the graviational field is related to the magenic field, the rotaion of the planet, the promixity of moons, planets, stars, and sizable celestial bodies.
You might have this all planned out already, but I think it might bear mentioning anway.

 

[Paradox 99]

But what if ships could just flash from star to star, and had to have so much energy to do so that nowhere was safe; how could survival be ensured?

This is an interesting idea. But it's an idea with such huge implications you'd have to come up with a damned good story line not to have a Deus-Ex Machina not to resolve the problem.

Sadly, I suspect you're not going to treat us to more of this story (or are you???). I'd also love to know what inventive idea there is behind the fact that everything has gone apart from the gravitational force (I love that idea btw, even more than the main concept).

The dialogue didn't work entirely well for me, I have to say. It's probably me and my prejudice against the word "fool" as a cliche that made me think of those two aliens in the Simpsons (Kang and Kudos?).

Nevertheless, I quite enjoyed it and hold some hope that you'll continue this.

As for grammar bits:

Perhaps in sympathy with the concept, there's a general problem with rogue spaces jumping in or being removed throughout the text (something to do with the formatting of your word processor perhaps?).

There were a couple of "t"s missing:

...clean through the space where it ought to have been

left orbiting the gravitational nexus that had contained a planet.

and an "e"

removed from all their cobelievers, eveywhere in the Empire

And is it "co-believers"?

All glowed bright red, and the two men’s features

Should this be mens' ? Unless you're thinking of the two men as a single group I suppose.

and when the populace understand that they’re cut off from their luxuries

The phantom letter grabber went and stole a "d" that time.

 

[chrispenycate]

Universal corrected time is decimal, with a hundred "minutes" in each "hour", a hundred seconds (the same as our present seconds, being an MKS standard) per "minute" and ten "hours" per "day."corrected" for relativistic effects and constant over human occupied space. Obviously, every inhabited planet has its own clock, related to planetary movements, but having a fixed reference makes imperial organisation much simpler. Since I have been accused (rightfully) of putting too much technical detail into my stories, I assumed people would just accept it as a given.

The gravitational field strength of the Earth never exceeds 1g; as you go deeper it diminishes, as the attraction from the matter above you cancels out some of the force from below. The center of the planet would have no resultant force.

Sorry about the spelling mistakes, my spellchecker insists I should be writing in French, and so is permanently disabled. Still, I ought to be able to spot them for myself; it's remarkable how much more difficult it is to see your own mistakes than those of others.

For the time being, there are a couple more paragraphs written (and pages and pages of technical notes, military techniques, economics and politics, that are never going to appear in the story but I need to know) plus a very rough outline, and the last paragraph. It will take some time before I've enough to post.

Dialogue being my weakest point (nobody on Earth speaks quite like me, and I've difficulties copying other's speech patterns) obviously I overused it here. The next section, I'm going to do it in third person explanation, it might be a little faster.

Thanks for reading it, and for all the comments; I'm not going to try and blame the sticky computer keyboard for the missing letters, that's my lousy typing an inobservance

 

[Paradox 99]

I assumed people would just accept it as a given.

I did.

Dialogue being my weakest point (nobody on Earth speaks quite like me, and I've difficulties copying other's speech patterns) obviously I overused it here.

It's an irony that you're posts here are quite often the most interesting to read, yet you can't quite pull it off when quoting imaginary characters. Perhaps writing a story in first person might yield some great results - better still - a story with an army of Chrispenycate clones all talking to each other.

 

[jackokent]

Hi Chris

This was really exciting. I'd love to read more.

For some reason however, I found it difficult. I went back and re-read it a number of times and I don't really know why. Simple spelling, grammar mistakes (as you know from my own stuff), I tend to overlook, so I am not sure why it didn't read easily. There was nothing I could put my finger on and I didn't think the dialogue was weak at all. Maybe it just needed some more action in between it or some description of where they were.

This isn't really a critism as it really grabbed me and I am glad to see you've got more of it.

 

[Marky Lazer]

Hey Chris, I e-mailed you my critiques for this, just because I can tell everyone I've got your address and now everyone envies me and stuff.

 

[Coolhand]

Hi Chrispenycate

Like most before me on this thread, I really like the idea you've outlined, and I suspect you'll have some serious fun playing with this concept.

One thing I did pick up on was that you seem to use dialogue as a means of giving vast amounts of background info, which sometimes works fine but sometimes comes across as forced. EG.

“The fools – can’t they see that, with transit times between the stars so short, a single, strong Empire, with a single, strong belief system is our only hope for survival ? When the smallest of interstellar ships commands enough energy to render any planet uninhabitable ? And where a child can convert it to release that energy as a weapon in a few hours ?“

Whilst it gives us some interesting information, it sounds a little clunky because most people wouldn't over-explain like that, especially to a peer who already knew this. What you could do is use the POV characters thoughts or narration to accomplish the same thing. EG

“The fools.” Said the Emperor.
The simple brutal reality was that, with transit times between the stars so short, a single, strong Empire, with a single, strong belief system was the only hope for survival. Especially when the smallest of interstellar ships commanded enough energy to render any planet uninhabitable, and when a child could convert it to release that energy as a weapon in a few hours.
Indeed, that scenario was no mere theory. The Empire had rid itself of several of its rivals early on, using this technique. In an environment of universal trade no government could afford to stop all shipping; and a programmed infant was less likely to be suspected than an adult agent.

.

Just an idea. For me, the above flows better as POV narration rather than dialogue. But maybe that’s just me.

 

[j d worthington]

Chris:

Seems to me you're going for some of the wild-and-woolly sf a la "Doc" Smith; something about due for a revival. The problem with this is, as has been pointed out, some of the overexplanatory dialogue. It can work, but as it stands, it's a trifle formal and may indeed be better from omniscient narration. The concepts, however, are fascinating, and decidedly different (and mind-stretching).

One nit to pick: "autosufficient" rather sticks out. The more plebeian "self-supporting" or "self-sufficient" might be a better choice.

All in all, it definitely pulls the reader in, and builds a nice "sense of wonder" as it goes along. I'd say iron out the problems with the dialogue, and the grammatical/spelling mentioned in above posts, and give us some more, please.

(Glad to see some of your fiction. I was curious if you wrote any; nor am I disappointed. Good job.)

 

[flynx]

Hello chris,

I'm relatively new to these boards but here's how we do critiques where I'm from.

Most people put their "hyperspace limits" or their wormhole junctions well away from their civilisation, so that warfleets can't just sweep in, anihilate the planet and be out before the alarm was raised. But what if ships could just flash from star to star, and had to have so much energy to do so that nowhere was safe; how could survival be ensured?

This is confusing the hell out of me. Would needing so much energy require that they continue planetnaping? Did it affect the stability of the sun perhaps? A bit more explanation please. If it is that once started they have to continue then it is a very sophisticated analogy you draw with empires and dictatorships.

“Planetnapping ?“
“It’s the best wordwe’ve come up with.. At 06 :83, UCT, the entire planet disappeared, leaving its gravitational field, but taking its magnetic one, its atmosphere and everything on its surface. One of the ships in orbitflew clean through the space where it ough to have been, and recorded a gravitational gradient similar to the one if the planet had still been there, but they had no advanced scientific training or aparatus “

Is it me that's being unsophisticated? Because I don't understand how removing the mass leaves any gravitational field. Maybe you're hinting at tiny black holes being left behind as when you discuss them later and this is just a clue?

“I wouldn’t have wanted to do that. Demands, you said ?“
“Yes, transmitted from one of the satelites left orbiting the gravitational nexus tha had contained a planet. From some religious group.They want the implants removed from all their cobelievers, evrywhere in the Empire, reproductive freedom, liberty of worship, all the standard things“
“The fools – can’t they see that, with transit times between the stars so short, a single, strong Empire, with a single, strong belief system is our only hope for survival ? When the smallest of interstellar ships commands enough energy to render any planet uninhabitable ? And where a child can convert it to release that energy as a weapon in a few hours ?“

As someone mentioned, a character speaking the obvious, whilst delivering plot lines is a jarring way of providing background. Mainly used in 'B' movies and James Bond films it's far too unsophisticated for a modern readership.

This latter was true. The Empire had rid itself of several of its rivals early on, using this technique. In an environment of universal trade no government could afford to stop all shipping ; and a programmed infant was less likely to be suspected than an adult agent.

and then you wouldn't have had to insert yourself as narrator, affecting the flow of the piece as you do with this paragraph.

“And none of the standard attack scenarios will work ?“
Calmly ignoring his boss’ assumption that he was stupid, or ineffectual, the minister for stability brought up the list of techniques to bring rebelling territories back under control, from tried and tested to proposed and filed as “outrageous, but conceivable“

As in "the weapon too horrible to use". One of Asimov's first mistakes pointed out by his editor as I recall.

All glowed bright red, and the two men’s features looked like demons from an earlier, more supersticious age.

All glowed bright red, giving the two men's features a demonic cast.

(the alteration avoids the paradox in the next line of calling upon a superstitious being: Clthu)

“All matter, all energy goes through as if there were nothing there. Clthu alone knows where they’re getting the power to run their indusry, agriculture, terraforming.

Lost me again. Where are they talking about now? Where the planet used to be? Their homeworld?

A black hole might do it, since gravity gets through, but towing an existing black hole would take at least eight hundred years, after we’d built the ships and worked out a way of coupling them to the event horizon, and the research to make a black hole from scratch would probably take as long, or longer, and almost certainly bring up fresh, original science ; absolutely the worst thing for maintaining stability“

Ok, it's a political point, but the very worst thing that an empire can have is stability. Stability = stasis. Stasis means no growth. Empires have to either grow or collapse. Maybe I'm being ingenuous and having your character believe this is integral to the plot. Just call me a fool.

The Emperor stretched ; rarely had he felt his centuries so heavy.
“At least, cut off from commerce as they are, they can’t last long ; it’s impossible for a single planet to be autosufficient, an when the populace understand that they’re cut off from their luxuries, they’ll insist on the planet being brought back. When it is, you must be ready with whatever force is nescessary. We cannot be seen to be weak”

Again I'm moaning about a character who you've created and this may be exactly how he is but being an emporer I'd have thought he would want to know the hows and whys rather than jumping to conclusions about this religious groups technological capablities. Are they able to bring it back? Having the technology to planetnap in the first place, it seems small potatoes to make a planet self-sufficient and why would they listen to the populace about their preferences?


Didn't mean it to hurt, just raising questions.

Flynx