Osiris: A Visit With The Gorgon

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cskendrick

I'm Gnu :)
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Note: yes, this is a big extract. It's also a miniscule part of the entire manuscript.

Century/Medusa (Alpha Centauri B4): Explored by the U.S. Celestial Survey 2124; first landing in 2271. Terraformation begun in 2370 and declared finished in 2767, though large areas too dangerous due too alkaline concentrations, native flora, and other hazards. Primary developers were the United States, Bangladesh and Indonesia. Original settlers were mostly Europeans and Arabs displaced by invasions from successor civilizations and post-Yellowstone climate shift. U.S. assistance in the evacuation of Europe and Arabia did much to heal the centuries-long schism between the Americans and their erstwhile allies and foes.

Medusa (as the planet is commonly called) is half the mass of earth, similar to Mars in composition, with a thick atmosphere of hydrogen, helium and oxygen. Sufficient water vapor is retained to support a range of desert ecologies. Most Medusan plants take carbon from stone and soil, and water vapor is the chief exhalant of the hydrogen-breathing animals. However, some plants are carnivorous.

In its heyday 4.2 billion people lived on the planet. For approximately three years following the destruction of Mars and the devastation of Earth, it was the most populous world in all of the Slow Range.

That was before the Gorgon joined in war on behalf of the Empress....


Her full name and title is Empresa Galtana Salvadora Mercada Saraceiro. Fifteen centuries ago, she last set foot on Medusa. Regardless, the immortal world-spanning mind of the Gorgon remembered her, and cleared a landing meadow on the now-abandoned northern upland in her honor. Even such a short-term retreat of its purple-thorned, diamond-toothed functionaries was repulsive; the Gorgon remembered the plasma torches and lasers, the weapons used by the settlers, clear-cutting millions of hectares from its flanks, making room for their slave-crops and delicious livestock, their soft-shelled homesteads and their intolerably tall cities, casting shadows, blocking the lovely orange and golden of the Greater and Lesser Suns.

Then the Gorgon met the Empress, and after making contact with the Human overmind, things had gone much better: As a gesture of good faith, the Empress gave over the entire settler population of this world to the Gorgon’s minions. In this way, the balance was kept, the alien, beastly pestilence purged. The Gorgon’s wrath had been appeased. Furthermore, the Gorgon found something else in the Empress: A strange sort of equal, neither predator nor prey nor of its own collective body. Equal, perhaps, for the Empress was part of the vast Human collective that the Gorgon, now attuned to, sensed across the skies, in all directions.

Not only an equal, but perhaps a superior: For shortly after joining forces with the Empress, the Gorgon felt the shockwave of a dying world of the fourth-nearest sun, the momentary increase in illumination on its nightside fronds, and realized that this feat was the work of the miniscule creature now standing in its midst.

A standard Terremagne ring-wing shuttle set down in the glade, power running, wing still rotating. The “wing” was a partial distortion in the fabric of space-time, spinning as swiftly as necessary to generate traction against the force of gravity. The Gorgon did not care for such science, but it could sense the power of the aircraft. Several of its clear-branched radicals wanted to kamikaze into the ship, to prove the vitality of its variety. The Gorgon chuckled, such as world-spanning beings do, and restrained its impetuous elements.

No portals opened; they were unnecessary. The Gorgon witnessed with no small wonder as four Human-shaped discontinuities, man-sized bubbles, appeared outside of the aircraft, suddenly filling as if from a hidden spring with the inner makings of animals. Within two seconds, the forms were complete, the discontinuities gone with a chorus of crackles. The Gorgon witnessed Human starships performing the same trick in the space overhead its world, though the process was slower.

Red-caped, auburn-haired, amber-eyed, the Empress Mercada, former Mistress of the Emerald Realm, Protector of Brazil and Liberator of Nigeria, Savior of the Congo and Lady of the Americas, stood surrounded by three wary Cyberne guards. The Gorgon used its subsonic senses to assess them all. The guards were hybrid beings; the Gorgon could not tell where their animal fluids ended and their deadly instruments began.

A contingent of mesquite-like radicals, the most successful of the rapid-reaction warriors to date, moved into complementary positions. One snapped its meter-long scissor-thorns menacingly at a flinching Human functionary. The Empress gestured sharply to her soldiers. An electromagnetic shout went out. The Gorgon understood the words easily: Do nothing. The overmind assumed direct control of the wayward radical and it calmed down immediately.

The Empress watched the summary proceedings, nodded her satisfaction at the outcome. “I have returned to you, great Gorgon, to provide surety of my vows, and ask for one small, additional favor.” She said this aloud. Normally, the Gorgon conveyed its wishes by infrasonic vibrations. However, the Gorgon listened with its more delicate fronds to the calls -- and cries -- of prey. This skill had been developed before the rise of air-breathing life on Earth. The Gorgon, however, did not speak as Humans did. It spoke with its own voice, trusting to Human instrumentation to translate.

One of the soldiers, members of the ancient and now-forbidden Cyberne caste, set a crystalline stake in the ground.

In her ears, and hers alone, Mercada heard the voice that no one, outside of herself and the rest of the exiles onboard the Osiris even guessed existed, the voice of the first alien sentience that Humanity had unwittingly encountered, to the cost of over four billion lives.

In her ears, and hers alone, Mercada heard the voice that no other Human even guessed existed:

“You have returned, Night-Empress and so promptly. I am pleased. However, I am not so pleased that your minions continue to persist in my domain.”

“They are newcomers. Rebels, momentarily outside of my power.” Mercada had checked the latest Terremagne census before arriving on Medusa; there were a mere 89 million inhabitants on the planet now, all descendants of newcomers after the Gorgon had feasted on the original population.

The verge of the clearing suddenly rushed inward. “Then perhaps I am mistaken, and you are not the true overmind of Humanity.”

Mercada frowned and muttered a swift subvocal command. Suddenly, the distortion ring of her aircraft greatly magnified in size, brilliance and power, a now-audible, searing halo of certain death hovering overhead. “Do not test me, Gorgon!” she cried. Heat from the shearing of reality itself filled the glade. At the same time, a sheet of X-ray radiation began to discomfit the Gorgon’s more delicate functionaries, gatherers and other support elements.

The Gorgon, however, was unimpressed. Its warrior-fronds were modified for radiation exposure. Several advanced into the circle, through the protective radiation shield, clearly on the attack. The Cyberne guards tensed, drew weapons. The Empress transmitted a silent command to her shuttle.

It was then that the ring wing, a modulated gravitational gradient, showed its true power; the trespassers were shredded to pieces, like blades of wheat in a thresher.

The Gorgon relented. “Enough. I yield, Empress, You surpass me. For the moment, that is.” The Gorgon withdrew the fringe of the clearing. Mollified, the Empress reset the protective halo to an idle setting. “You mentioned a small favor, I believe,” the sussurating voice of the Gorgon whispered.

Mercada smiled openly. “Yes. There was near the old Human city of Archangel a large statue, resembling a winged Human.”

The Gorgon rumbled powerfully enough to shake the ground. “It was one of the first structures that I destroyed. The tallest of the abominations. Its unholy shadow was an outrage that could not longer be endured.”

Mercada nodded indulgently. “Yes, yes. Within its foundation, however, there was a small sphere...a stone about as large as one of your radical’s brain-seeds, and of similar composition.”

The Gorgon paused, reflecting on past communications with fronds near the old Human ruin. Its functionaries transmitted holographic memories; all that they detected was transmitted and stored, if not reflected upon right away. It would not do for a collective intelligence to overlook details; they might be needed later.

“The object that you speak of is buried under the rubble, but is of exceptional durability. I assume that you wish to take possession of it?”

“Yes.”

“I must insist on compensation, as transporting such an object over such a long distance will be wearisome.

“I could fly there and transport the object myself.”

“No.”

“No?” the Empress repeated.

“There continue to be Humans on my world. You are not in balance, Empress. So long as this is the case, you will not travel over my domain.”

Mercada sneered. “You cannot defy me, you overgrown thornbush!”

The ground shoook again, from the thrumming of a hundred thousand root systems. “Threaten me again, and I will destroy your precious brain-seed.” The Gorgon paused. “And there are ways to overcome your impressive toys.”

Earlier, the radicals wanted to prove their vitality by suicide attack on the Human aircraft. The Gorgon refused, but only to have time enough to figure out how to best place the Empress at his mercy.

The Gorgon knew that the technology of the Human functionaries, while daunting, consumed a great deal of energy, like sun or nourishment, but of a sort that did not exist in the necessary concentrations on the surface of Medusa. The original Human invaders had been overrun the same way: by siege. The newer invaders were far more powerful. Still, the old ways were good ways.

The Empress's demonstration of power had depleted the ringwing’s reserves; this the Gorgon sensed directly. The Gorgon had enough data to assess how many of its minions it would have to spend to destroy the Human aircraft. It was an acceptable sacrifice.

The verge of the meadow was now far away from the Humans, who stood near the front of the shuttle. However, the nearer warrior-fronds had not retreated at all from the rear side of the aircraft. The mundane purple-thorned components had, in fact, continued to inch closer to the flying machine. Suddenly, they rushed, activating the security protocols of the craft. Dozens, scores of the minions were scythed down by radiation and compressed gravity. The ring-wing's power was depleted further.

The Humans had but turned around to notice the sudden surge of activity, when a wave of crystalline radicals, shockingly fast, bounded up, then leapt through the air toward the upper hull of the ringwing. The protective halo dispatched them, as well. The ring-wing's power fell to critical levels.

A trio of crystalline wedges rushed the ship, separated by 120-degree angles. Coherent gravitational pulses obliterated first one, then another, and decimated the third...then sputtered empty. Even the emergency reserves of energy were depleted; the craft was wide open to attack. Nothing but the ship's self-destruction could threaten the Gorgon now.

In the time it took the onboard sentience to decide to throw caution to the wind and use that margin, the surviving attackers had swarmed over the ship and made short work of its hull, using a combination of diamond scissor-fronds and natural digestive acids.

The melee took less than twenty seconds.

“It would appear the moment of triumph is mine.” The Gorgon chortled.

“Empress?” one of the Cyberne asked, fear in his voice, beginning to raise his atlatl, a traditional Brazilian energy weapon modeled after a much more ancient innovation.

“Stand down!” she hissed, then addressed the Gorgon: “You cannot overcome my warships in space. You will not risk the destruction of your entire planet.”

The Gorgon paused, then started a low, amused rumble. “Indeed, Empress? I have been listening to your ‘subjects’ for fifteen hundred years! They’ve forgotten you. You are a long-lost fairytale to most. You dare nothing against me! The, what is the name? The Terremagne rules now.”

Mercada paused. It was all true, of course. “Would you prefer to treat with the new management, then?”

“No.” The Gorgon answered angrily. “In truth, you honored your pledge. It was this successor overmind that returned your beastly plague. And I cannot rule out that you would not destroy me, and disappear into the void for another fifteen hundred years.”

“No.” she said in a neutral tone. The Gorgon’s ruminations argued best for her interests now.

“And yet, you come now, and in need. for something either you have lost...or this Terremagne has.”

“I come to strike a new balance.” Mercada ventured.

“So be it." The Gorgon paused. "Here is my proposal for balance, Empress. In half a cycle of the Great Suns, forty of your years, I will either give the object you seek to you, or give it to your rival overmind, the Terremagne.”

“No!” She blurted out. “I must have the sphere!”

“Then we have the makings of a balance. In return you will assist me in ridding the southern mountains of the last of the Human interlopers, these...Pavons, as they call themselves.”

“Do you need my assistance?” The Empress glanced at what remained of her shuttle. The warrior-fronds had disintegrated the ship and were taking every last trace of it away.

“It is a question of the expense required to extract the pests, and of your commitment.”

“I do not understand.”

“You will help me obtain the balance that I seek, and receive your reward. Otherwise, what memories this odd brain-seed of yours contains, and whatever secrets concern you so, will pass into the hands of your enemy.

“You will help me cleanse my world again." The Gorgon finished.

Mercada nodded. She had sold out four billion erstwhile loyalists before; betraying ninety million Terremagne traitors would be nothing in the final analysis.

“You must speak aloud your assent, Empress," the Gorgon prompted.

“I agree!” She barked back. She knew not to treat lightly with such an ancient intelligence, knew to respect its vast, age-spanning wisdom. Yet in her bones, she could not shake the conviction that this was just a great, big potted ivy that could mimic intelligence. This prejudice, hardly unique to herself, made it easy for the Gorgon to kill billions long ago, once it had been shown the necessity of doing so, and how to do so.

She had even taught the Gorgon how.

The planet-spanning super-mind had learned quickly the Human arts of war. And now it knew to diversify its sources of information, as well, to rely on its own intelligence.

If I'm not careful, I will end up working for the thornbush, not the other way around, Mercada mused, disliking the taste of such words.

The Gorgon paused. “There is one other matter. My fronds expended a prodigious amount of energy in this...conversation. I must ask for nourishment on their behalf.”

“I could send back livestock upon our safe return.”

The Gorgon send a negatory pulse through the ground. “I am afraid that is neither sufficiently reliable, nor timely, nor...contrite.” There was a considerable pause, as separate sonar readings sized up Mercada’s three guards. “However, these beasts will do nicely.” The nearer killer-trees began to move forward; Mercada's guards gathered close by her.

"They won't go quietly," she said. Of course she'd sacrifice them, splendid Cyberne that they were. But what a terrible loss!

"It is always better, when the meat struggles." the Gorgon said. "Time for you to say your good-byes, Empress."

“I cannot yield on this,” Mercada said loudly, for the benefit of her guards. “They attack. Defend me!”

The crystalline elements of the Gorgon rushed forward. Her three guards were already beset with enemies. Slashing, cutting, burning, chewing fields their last moments.

Mercada drew her own atlatl, partly for show, but found herself batting aside a swipe from a scissor-branch that sliced to close for comfort.

With her free hand, the Empress sent the emergency retreat signal, but for herself alone.

As she faded from the surface of Medusa and merged with the reality onboard her flagship, the Osiris, the Gorgon’s radio voice called after her:

“Half a Great Cycle, Empress. I give you forty of your years and no more. By then it will be in my power to hunt you across the stars.”
 
Not enough time now to do you a full analysis, but "Medusa (as the planet is commonly called) is half the mass of earth, similar to Mars in composition, with a thick atmosphere of hydrogen, helium and oxygen.
For a planet that small to hold an apreciable quantity of free hydrogen or helium, it would have to be very cold - solid CO2 temperatures at most. Not handy for humams (the reason that practically all the helium in Earth's atmosphere is the result of recent radioactive decay, despite the fact that helium is the second most common element in the universe, is that the escape velocity of helium from Earth's gravitational field is below the local thermal velocity. This would be more marked for a smaller planet. Similarly, if the atmosphere contained both free hydrogen and free oxygen (possible with an equivalent to photosynthesis, but unlikely, and don't smoke, or your atmosphere burns explosively) Equally, though local lifeforms could possibly have a metabolism functioning without nitrogen, it's unlikely any earth-descended species could, so Terraforming, if possible, would involve the complete extinction of local life. I'd recomend a less bizarre atmospheric mix

That first paragraph, bringing us up to date with a couple of millenia of progress, I find a bit… overdense and, at the same time, too sketchy. As the first thing we read, it's not gripping us, making us want to read on. How much of that information is essential for understanding the action which starts later, how much could be introduced in homeopathic doses later?

And finally (for this post; I promise a detailed analysis when I get some time)
the action starts in present tense " Her full name and title is Empresa Galtana Salvadora Mercada Saraceiro. Fifteen centuries ago, she last set foot on Medusa. Regardless, the immortal world-spanning mind of the Gorgon remembered her, and cleared a landing meadow on the now-abandoned northern upland in her honor. and goes on to past tense almost immediately, and the next paragraph should be even further back, in pluperfect; it needs some consistancy of timeline.
 
cskendrick said:
Note: yes, this is a big extract. It's also a miniscule part of the entire manuscript.

Just a note, cskendrick: check out the Guidelines, and try and keep your extracts a little slimmer. People are more likely to critique it if it doesn't take an hour to read....
 
Re: Healing the Atmosphere

If it helps, here are the planet specs:

Mass: 0.45 Earths
Specific gravity: 2.97 g/cm^2 (high concentration of alkali earths)
Surface gravity: 0.51
Air pressure: 2.26 bars
Base temperature (pre-insolation): 314 Kelvin
System Age: Approximately 6 billion years

Determinant of primary atmospheric components: A random selector that tensds to favor the more common gaseous elements, with outright comtempt for geochemistry...which is a known weakness and appears to have shown up right away.

Re: Amending the situation

I'm all ears. It is possible I'm playing out of my class, here, and since exploring exotic environments is neither my purpose nor my strong suit, perhaps I should back off a bit. :)

Tenses

Perhaps I was in too much of a hurry to share backstory, so much so that I interfered with telling THE story.

Many thanks

I'll get right on this. :)
 
Culhwch said:
Just a note, cskendrick: check out the Guidelines, and try and keep your extracts a little slimmer. People are more likely to critique it if it doesn't take an hour to read....
Less is more? :)

Okay.
 
cskendrick said:
Note: yes, this is a big extract. It's also a miniscule part of the entire manuscript.
Century/Medusa (Alpha Centauri B4): Explored by the U.S. Celestial Survey 2124; first landing in 2271. Terraformation begun in 2370 and declared finished in 2767, though large areas too dangerous due
due to
too alkaline concentrations, native flora, and other hazards. Primary developers were the United States, Bangladesh and Indonesia. Original settlers were mostly Europeans and Arabs displaced by invasions from successor civilizations and post-Yellowstone climate shift. U.S. assistance in the evacuation of Europe and Arabia did much to heal the centuries-long schism between the Americans and their erstwhile allies and foes.

Medusa (as the planet is commonly called) is half the mass of earth, similar to Mars in composition, with a thick atmosphere of hydrogen, helium and oxygen. Sufficient water vapor is retained to support a range of desert ecologies. Most Medusan plants take carbon from stone and soil, and water vapor is the chief exhalant of the hydrogen-breathing animals. However, some plants are carnivorous.

In its heyday 4.2 billion people
had lived
lived on the planet. For approximately three years following the destruction of Mars and the devastation of Earth, it was
had been
the most populous world in all of the Slow Range.

That was before the Gorgon joined in war on behalf of the Empress....

Her full name and title is
was
Empresa Galtana Salvadora Mercada Saraceiro. Fifteen centuries ago, she
had
last set foot on Medusa. Regardless, the immortal world-spanning mind of the Gorgon remembered her, and cleared a landing meadow on the now-abandoned northern upland in her honor. Even such a short-term retreat of its purple-thorned, diamond-toothed functionaries was repulsive; the Gorgon remembered the plasma torches and lasers, the weapons used by the settlers, clear-cutting millions of hectares from its flanks,
this is quite possibly not an error, but a clarification ; the “flanks” in question are of the Gorgon itself, or some hillside or what (I’ll admit that, on first reading, I’d had the impression that the gorgon was a social composite rather than a single organism
making room for their slave-crops and delicious livestock, their soft-shelled homesteads and their intolerably tall cities, casting shadows, blocking the lovely orange and golden of the Greater and Lesser Suns.

Then the Gorgon
had
met the Empress, and after making contact with the Human overmind
“overmind ”? That gives me a picture of a sort of multi-person racial conciousness, not an absolute ruler
, things had gone much better: As a gesture of good faith, the Empress gave
had given, and is that “over” nescessary ? Or maybe “had handed over”
over the entire settler population of this world to the Gorgon’s minions. In this way, the balance was kept, the alien, beastly pestilence purged. The Gorgon’s wrath had been appeased. Furthermore, the Gorgon found something else in the Empress: A strange sort of equal, neither predator nor prey nor of its own collective body. Equal,
since you’ve said “equal” in the previous sentence, and are going to use it in the next, perhaps another word ?
perhaps, for the Empress was part of the vast Human collective that the Gorgon, now attuned to, sensed across the skies, in all directions.

Not only
not merely ?
an equal, but perhaps a superior: For shortly after joining forces with the Empress, the Gorgon felt the shockwave of a dying world of the fourth-nearest sun, the momentary increase in illumination on its nightside fronds, and realized that this feat was the work of the miniscule creature now standing in its midst.
not very happy with “feat” and how many years would it have taken for the light of the distant nova to arrive ?
A standard Terremagne ring-wing shuttle set down in the glade, power running, wing still rotating. The “wing” was a partial distortion in the fabric of space-time, spinning as swiftly as necessary to generate traction against the force of gravity. The Gorgon did not care for such science, but it could sense the power of the aircraft. Several of its clear-branched radicals wanted to kamikaze into the ship, to prove the vitality of its variety. The Gorgon chuckled, such as world-spanning beings do,
[color=red“as such world spanning beings ? How many other sentient ecospheres do we know, that their chuckling can be compared ? [/color]
and restrained its impetuous elements.

No portals opened; they were unnecessary. The Gorgon witnessed with no small wonder as four Human-shaped discontinuities, man-sized bubbles, appeared outside
no “of”
of the aircraft, suddenly filling as if from a hidden spring with the inner makings of animals. Within two seconds, the forms were complete, the discontinuities gone with a chorus of crackles. The Gorgon
had
witnessed Human starships performing the same trick in the space overhead its world, though the process was slower.

Red-caped, auburn-haired, amber-eyed, the Empress Mercada, former Mistress of the Emerald Realm, Protector of Brazil and Liberator of Nigeria, Savior of the Congo and Lady of the Americas, stood surrounded by three wary Cyberne guards. The Gorgon used its subsonic senses to assess them all. The guards were hybrid beings; the Gorgon could not tell where their animal fluids ended and their deadly instruments began.

A contingent of mesquite-like radicals, the most successful of the rapid-reaction warriors to date, moved into complementary positions. One snapped its meter-long scissor-thorns menacingly at a flinching Human functionary. The Empress gestured sharply to her soldiers. An electromagnetic shout went out. The Gorgon understood the words easily: Do nothing. The overmind assumed direct control of the wayward radical and it calmed down immediately.

The Empress watched the summary proceedings, nodded her satisfaction at the outcome. “I have returned to you, great Gorgon, to provide surety of my vows, and ask for one small, additional favor.” She said this aloud. Normally, the Gorgon conveyed its wishes by infrasonic vibrations. However, the Gorgon listened with its more delicate fronds to the calls -- and cries -- of prey. This skill had been developed before the rise of air-breathing life on Earth. The Gorgon, however, did not speak as Humans did. It spoke with its own voice, trusting to Human instrumentation to translate.

One of the soldiers, members of the ancient and now-forbidden Cyberne caste, set a crystalline stake in the ground.

In her ears, and hers alone, Mercada heard the voice that no one, outside of herself and the rest of the exiles onboard the Osiris even guessed existed, the voice of the first alien sentience that Humanity had unwittingly encountered, to the cost of over four billion lives.

In her ears, and hers alone, Mercada heard the voice that no other Human even guessed existed:
two “guessed existed”s in close proximity
“You have returned, Night-Empress and so promptly. I am pleased. However, I am not so pleased that your minions continue to persist
just “persist” or “continue to exist”
in my domain.”

“They are newcomers. Rebels, momentarily outside of my power.” Mercada had checked the latest Terremagne census before arriving on Medusa; there were a mere 89 million inhabitants on the planet now, all descendants of newcomers after the Gorgon had feasted on the original population.

The verge of the clearing suddenly rushed inward. “Then perhaps I am mistaken, and you are not the true overmind of Humanity.”

Mercada frowned and muttered a swift subvocal command. Suddenly, the distortion ring of her aircraft greatly magnified in size, brilliance and power, a now-audible, searing halo of certain death hovering overhead. “Do not test me, Gorgon!” she cried. Heat from the shearing of reality itself filled the glade. At the same time, a sheet of X-ray radiation began to discomfit the Gorgon’s more delicate functionaries, gatherers and other support elements.

The Gorgon, however, was unimpressed. Its warrior-fronds were modified for radiation exposure. Several advanced into the circle, through the protective radiation shield, clearly on the attack. The Cyberne guards tensed, drew weapons. The Empress transmitted a silent command to her shuttle.

It was then that the ring wing, a modulated gravitational gradient, showed its true power; the trespassers were shredded to pieces, like blades of wheat in a thresher.

The Gorgon relented. “Enough. I yield, Empress, You surpass me. For the moment, that is.” The Gorgon withdrew the fringe of the clearing. Mollified, the Empress reset the protective halo to an idle setting. “You mentioned a small favor, I believe,” the sussurating voice of the Gorgon whispered.

Mercada smiled openly. “Yes. There was
comma
near the old Human city of Archangel
comma
a large statue, resembling a winged Human.”

The Gorgon rumbled powerfully enough to shake the ground. “It was one of the first structures that I destroyed. The tallest of the abominations. Its unholy shadow was an outrage that could not
I think that’s “no longer” but with a sentient biosphere it’s difficult to be certain
longer be endured.”

Mercada nodded indulgently. “Yes, yes. Within its foundation, however, there was a small sphere...a stone about as large as one of your radical’s brain-seeds, and of similar composition.”

The Gorgon paused, reflecting on past communications with fronds near the old Human ruin. Its functionaries transmitted holographic memories; all that they detected was transmitted and stored, if not reflected upon right away. It would not do for a collective intelligence to overlook details; they might be needed later.

“The object that you speak of is buried under the rubble, but is of exceptional durability. I assume that you wish to take possession of it?”

“Yes.”

“I must insist on compensation, as transporting such an object over such a long distance will be wearisome.

“I could fly there and transport the object myself.”

“No.”

“No?” the Empress repeated.

“There continue to be Humans on my world. You are not in balance, Empress. So long as this is the case, you will not travel over my domain.”

Mercada sneered. “You cannot defy me, you overgrown thornbush!”

The ground shoook again, from the thrumming of a hundred thousand root systems. “Threaten me again, and I will destroy your precious brain-seed.” The Gorgon paused. “And there are ways to overcome your impressive toys.”

Earlier, the radicals
had wanted
wanted to prove their vitality by suicide attack on the Human aircraft. The Gorgon
had refused
refused, but only to have time enough to figure out how to best place the Empress at his mercy.

The Gorgon knew that the technology of the Human functionaries, while daunting, consumed a great deal of energy, like sun or nourishment, but of a sort that did not exist in the necessary concentrations on the surface of Medusa. The original Human invaders had been overrun the same way: by siege. The newer invaders were far more powerful. Still, the old ways were good ways.

The Empress's demonstration of power had depleted the ringwing’s reserves; this the Gorgon sensed directly. The Gorgon had enough data to assess how many of its minions it would have to spend to destroy the Human aircraft. It was an acceptable sacrifice.

The verge of the meadow was now far away from the Humans, who stood near the front of the shuttle. However, the nearer warrior-fronds had not retreated at all from the rear side of the aircraft. The mundane purple-thorned components had, in fact, continued to inch closer to the flying machine. Suddenly, they rushed, activating the security protocols of the craft. Dozens, scores of the minions were scythed down by radiation and compressed gravity. The ring-wing's power was depleted further.

The Humans had but turned around to notice the sudden surge of activity, when a wave of crystalline radicals, shockingly fast, bounded up, then leapt through the air toward the upper hull of the ringwing. The protective halo dispatched them, as well. The ring-wing's power fell to critical levels.

A trio of crystalline wedges rushed the ship, separated by 120-degree angles. Coherent gravitational pulses obliterated first one, then another, and decimated the third...then sputtered empty. Even the emergency reserves of energy were depleted; the craft was wide open to attack. Nothing but the ship's self-destruction could threaten the Gorgon now.

In the time it took the onboard sentience to decide to throw caution to the wind and use that margin, the surviving attackers had swarmed over the ship and made short work of its hull, using a combination of diamond scissor-fronds and natural digestive acids.

The melee took less than twenty seconds.

“It would appear the moment of triumph is mine.” The Gorgon chortled.

“Empress?” one of the Cyberne asked, fear in his voice, beginning to raise his atlatl, a traditional Brazilian energy weapon modeled after a much more ancient innovation.
I don’t like “innovation” (something new, unknown, with “ancient”
“Stand down!” she hissed, then addressed the Gorgon: “You cannot overcome my warships in space. You will not risk the destruction of your entire planet.”

The Gorgon paused, then started a low, amused rumble. “Indeed, Empress? I have been listening to your ‘subjects’ for fifteen hundred years! They’ve forgotten you. You are a long-lost fairytale to most. You dare nothing against me! The, what is the name? The Terremagne rules now.”

Mercada paused. It was all true, of course. “Would you prefer to treat with the new management, then?”

“No.” The Gorgon answered angrily. “In truth, you honored your pledge. It was this successor overmind that returned your beastly plague. And I cannot rule out that you would not destroy me, and disappear into the void for another fifteen hundred years.”

“No.” she said in a neutral tone. The Gorgon’s ruminations argued best for her interests now.

“And yet, you come now, and in need. for something either you have lost...or this Terremagne has.”

“I come to strike a new balance.” Mercada ventured.

“So be it." The Gorgon paused. "Here is my proposal for balance, Empress. In half a cycle of the Great Suns, forty of your years, I will either give the object you seek to you, or give it to your rival overmind, the Terremagne.”

“No!” She blurted out. “I must have the sphere!”

“Then we have the makings of a balance. In return you will assist me in ridding the southern mountains of the last of the Human interlopers, these...Pavons, as they call themselves.”

“Do you need my assistance?” The Empress glanced at what remained of her shuttle. The warrior-fronds had disintegrated the ship and were taking every last trace of it away.

“It is a question of the expense
expense ? more like effort, or “the energy expended to”
required to extract the pests, and of your commitment.”

“I do not understand.”

“You will help me obtain the balance that I seek, and receive your reward. Otherwise, what
“such memories” or just “the memories”
memories this odd brain-seed of yours contains, and whatever secrets concern you so, will pass into the hands of your enemy.

“You will help me cleanse my world again." The Gorgon finished.

Mercada nodded. She had sold out four billion erstwhile loyalists before; betraying ninety million Terremagne traitors would be nothing in the final analysis.

“You must speak aloud your assent, Empress," the Gorgon prompted.

“I agree!” She barked back. She knew not to treat lightly with such an ancient intelligence, knew to respect its vast, age-spanning wisdom. Yet in her bones, she could not shake the conviction that this was just a great, big potted ivy that could mimic intelligence. This prejudice, hardly unique to herself,
had made
made it easy for the Gorgon to kill billions long ago, once it had been shown the necessity of doing so, and how to do so.

She had even taught the Gorgon how.

The planet-spanning super-mind had learned quickly the Human arts of war. And now it knew to diversify its sources of information, as well, to rely on its own intelligence.

If I'm not careful, I will end up working for the thornbush, not the other way around, Mercada mused, disliking the taste of such words.

The Gorgon paused. “There is one other matter. My fronds expended a prodigious amount of energy in this...conversation. I must ask for nourishment on their behalf.”

“I could send back livestock upon our safe return.”

The Gorgon send a negatory pulse through the ground. “I am afraid that is neither sufficiently reliable, nor timely, nor...contrite.” There was a considerable pause, as separate sonar readings sized up Mercada’s three guards. “However, these beasts will do nicely.” The nearer killer-trees began to move forward; Mercada's guards gathered close by her.

"They won't go quietly," she said. Of course she'd sacrifice them, splendid Cyberne that they were. But what a terrible loss!

"It is always better, when the meat struggles." the Gorgon said. "Time for you to say your good-byes, Empress."

“I cannot yield on this,” Mercada said loudly, for the benefit of her guards. “They attack. Defend me!”

The crystalline elements of the Gorgon rushed forward. Her three guards were already beset with enemies. Slashing, cutting, burning, chewing fields
is that “filled” ?
their last moments.

Mercada drew her own atlatl, partly for show, but found herself batting aside a swipe from a scissor-branch that sliced to close for comfort.

With her free hand, the Empress sent the emergency retreat signal, but for herself alone.

As she faded from the surface of Medusa and merged with the reality onboard her flagship, the Osiris, the Gorgon’s radio voice called after her:

“Half a Great Cycle, Empress. I give you forty of your years and no more. By then it will be in my power to hunt you across the stars.”

[/QUOTE] We've talked about the atmospheric composition, and will, if needed, work out a viable atmosphere and biochemistry, (entire planets concieved, let's see, that atmospheric pressure will need heavy gasses, neon perhaps) but is that essential for the story? Do people (apart from a few idiots like me) really want to know?
 
Re: Massive Apologies

I really was not expecting this dedicated a response to my posting; I am both honored and indebted to you for this exercise.

Gas issues

I did have the mechanism of an ongoing region of undersea vulcanism called the Coriol, the site of a lunar collision in the northern hemisphere that remained structurally weak. The heavier gases (ex, carbon dioxide, methane) tended to be captured by the virtual soda ocean. The helium bled out. Why so much helium existed was a mystery to everyone; I was going to be coy and leave it unexplained if no one complained. Lucky me: I met you the very first day I posted the chapter. :)

However, the atmosphere of the planet is not important; what is important is finding an atmosphere that works for a class of very common planets called alkaline worlds, frequent in older star systems than our own, where lithium, potassium, sodium, (and I suppose beryllium and the alkali metals are abundant, as well).

From where I was sitting, water vapor would anhydrate very quickly with the local strata unless replenished constantly, thus the mechanism of both strong tidal stresses -- not only from the two moons but from closest approach with an inner-system gas giant remnant called Leviathan. Thus, sustained vulcanism, helium outgassing, likewise water vapor, saturation of the ancient alkaline crust, gradual reduction of the proportion of same as heavier ores are brought up to the surface, and a curious reversal of the geochemical cycle, in which oceans arise rather than fail in the latter days of a planet.

What you want to know

The lesson the day, I think, is that suspension of disbelief is in fact more difficult, not easier, in science fiction, as the mechanisms of plausibility are more open to challenge.

But did you like the story concept? :)
 
I doubt whether you'll find many readers quite as critical as I, but sci-fi fans as a class tend towards such nit-picking. Really, the helium as a neutral filler is not the problem (though that would suggest a highly radioactive core; new way of heating a planet, make the core out of transuranics) It's trying to get a hydrogen/oxygen mix. Oxygen only exists free on Earth because of plants; it's obvious that methane in the atmosphere is not a stable situation, because of the free oxygen) Get a partial pressure of oxygen into the atmosphere high enough to support terrestrial life (particularly mammals) while keeping enough hydrogen for your hydrogen fuelled metabolisms, and the first thunderstorm BLAMM you're not short of water vapour. Equally, if the settlers are growing terrestrial type crops, these must have atmospheric CO2, and, since this you specify this is absorbed by the surface rocks, will have to be grown in domes (or politunnels), not the optimum situation for a war (the nitrates, perhaps in the soil, the CO2 and the water I would have expected to be released in the terraforming stage, killing the local lifeforms.
How could anything whos biochemistry is based round hydrogen get any nourishment from an oxygen based food (actually, they're both carbon based, but you see what I mean)? Or did the hydrogen based form have to evolve specific units to digest protoplasm?
It can only have been its relative proximity to the solar system that made this place a choice for a population center. And does the fact that it's in a binary star system encroach on the story in any way?

Ah, yes, stop being a technician for a while, and look at the story. Quite "Deathworld" at times. "Infrasonic" communication's too slow for a reasonable conversation - Nyquest theory (I'm a sound engineer, that one I can do) Oh, dear, back to tech.:eek: The character of the Empress is difficult; she seems to accept her own amorality without glorying in it, not very human (most humans would be deluding themselves they were doing it for "the good of humanity" or "the glory of god" but she seems just to accept that she's like that, with no excuses (perhaps, with enough age, illusions have gone, leaving her with no choice but accept her egotism). I find the Gorgon's motives far too human, too easily comprehensible; surely a being whose structure was so alien, even if it's survival and expansion drives were similar to ours, would have wildly different conceptual systems, which would be reflected in its speech patterns, its demands, its tactics, but no, it's reacting like a James Bond villain.
You know, I'm not very good at saying what I like; but the fact that I've taken this much time on it must suggest I've found something I like in it. ;)
 
Oh, fear not. I'm eating this up. This is great feedback.

My wife is an English teacher, and she's doesn't spare the whip (metaphorically speaking, thank you) when it comes to her area of expertise. She says there's nothing incurable about my writing, and that the story is compelling, yet there is definitely room for true peer review.

Random Solar System Generator

I've got an Excel spreadsheet that randomly assembles solar systems; it's designed for bias toward lighter elements for star systems older than our own (higher age = lower metallicity), the reverse for younger star systems, with attendant effects on the composition of atmosphere.

Alas...it's got some kinks. I was aware of incompatible gas/environment combinations, but I've not yet built a logic that can resolve the temperature/pressure/incompatibility combinations.

Any one-stop resources you can suggest? I'd be happy to invest time in an upgrade. :)
 
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