Syber Chaze

Status
Not open for further replies.
Joined
May 29, 2006
Messages
13
I'm currently working some short stories - here is my first attempt - feedback welcome! I just wrote it as you read it.



Syber Chaze


k.

k?

k!

ki!!

k!

He knew this time the last telepath tapping he did into the consciousness of the universe, this time they were going for the kill, way too clear and certain this time. This time the games were over. They were going for the kill. He knew when they caught up this time he would die.
Having Just teleported himself biggest jump he ever did, literally from one end of the galaxy to another, was no escape. Now he couldn't jump for quite a while to would have to wing it, but at least it gave him some time.
He tapped his first knuckle on this left hand, a light pad appeared on the palm of his hand,
he drew his favourite gesture on his palm to get access. In-front of him in the world he was in now, a large holographic landscape screen appeared. He liked the Retro Bright vector colours, maybe he was showing his age now. Some objects threw shadows of their higher dimensional selves so they appeared as 3D wireframe, but his super mind knew what they meant. He instantly visualised in his mind a route and it started to appear in front of him in the hologram. A few thoughts and hand gestures later he knew he was ahead. Last time it was close too many people died and he felt bad about it, this time he was determined not to cause so much death to escape their clutches. He already had a really bad Karma Record in the Astral Askashic Record he knew, he didn't want it any worse. At this rate when was he truly dead it would take several thousands years for his life to flash before him, and a large majority of that involved killing a lot of lesser beings. Just because it was easy and accidental wasn't an excuse he knew. He told Joel to get on with it, and let's move. The multiverse portal was near a neighbouring star few hundred light years away, so no sweat. He'd be there in no time. Then he'd change universe and buy more time.
Got to keep moving now.

Joel (his Alter AI lived in partnership with his brain, and was in tune with Quantum biogenic fields of the Universe-Net) via telekinesis moved his Bio Suit from his embedded bio-space backpack in front of him over his head while performing a performance upgrade on the suit.
It enlarged into the size of a brick and stuck onto his chest and emitted a octopus web over his body, where millions of tiny octopus suckers emitted a Bio-Gel spaceship suit perfectly in shape of his body to protect him from Space.
His Quantum Hyper-drive in his backpack emerged like a the flow of a splash of water and started to distort gravity from other dimensions and he moved towards his destination by warping spacetime to his needs.
Of course they now knew where he was in the Galaxy but didn't gave chase.
They had hacked into his Joel and new his HUD in his eye was showing full power up. One thing they couldn't figure out where he was getting this additional power ups, so they knew he had twenty or so minor Teleports and Hyper Jumps left. (They thought he used some multidimensional trick from accessing his Spirit Guides in the parallel Astral dimension who hung around black holes for this energy). This was pure a real time zone chase now.
Of course he found it amusing that he was using Dark Energy for most of it, and they still didn't know what it was really for. I mean it's all over the shop, so very handy.

They effectively blocked all higher dimensional access to his higher bodies so telepathy wasn't any good anymore. They knew with such power ups he would jump from galaxy from galaxy with ease. So there was no point giving chase, just wait and see where he stays the longest and where he next disappears from this universe to the next. He thought he was buying time, but they were just waiting for the kill time.

They had already chased him over several solar systems throughout the galaxy via teleports, he was clearly just making fun here, giving them an easy chase but he knew they didn't have enough power ups than he did. He was playing a bigger game all along.

He had to move in the physical here, although Astral Travel was faster than light, no way he could hide his body this time. He kept his time machines and multiverse portal machines scattered all over the galaxy in different times. He left monoliths in places he liked as guidance beacons if he forgot or got killed in a elaborate puzzle for people to find in an alternate multiverse reality game to be launched by Joel if he was caught. The clues were all based on the novels by H.G. Wells, which he memorised word for word in a week when he was a child. Truly the most fun he ever had, and his inspiration for making his first time machine, which incidentally was remarkably easy. He knew then he was just, well, a little different. Why write when you can do it for real? He's much rather leave real art and puzzles if they did catch him and kill him than a diary, so eventually everyone would know what he knew - eventually. Boy, eventually they will be surprised.

I certainly was when I found out.

Things were catching up to him now. The forces of Nature and time itself were after him.
Was it because he was having too much fun? Maybe he borrowed just a little too much from too many times and multiverses? The Forces of Nature were definitely after him.
He wasn't afraid of God, heck it was all a simulation he said to himself, and I really what's the big deal of meeting some super programmer universe architect being anyway?
----

What was I thinking? Did I really think I could out chase a SBGG (Super Being God Geek)? It was clearly just playing with me all along pushing me to greater heights. The other people who were chasing me now were like me a few thousand years ago,were just part of the SBGG Alternate Reality Game with me now, but clearly were being fed information from somewhere, they clearly weren't as smart as him yet. Or so he thought.

So much to his surprise the SBGG (Super Being God Geek) wasn't as hacked off as he thought when they caught up with him, when he jumped universe. He just said clearly you were like me about 15 billion years ago, so cut the chase, to the next 15 billion years ahead, and start creating your own universes.

I mean surely if it was mere coincidence that the SBGG was in equivalent mental precepts of your feeble mind a "female" and I was a "male" still. I was kind of wondering if mating was a possibility but I'd never thought of those things in quite a while. After a while you do stop thinking about those things amazingly. A baby universe of my own design did seem a very interesting prospect indeed.

Well, I was a little bored, it was about time really, and he was right every thing was easy except how do I create my own universe. I never thought of it actually. (how dumb!)

Now I think that was the goal I was searching for, but all along it was searching for me and I have been avoiding it thinking I knew more than I should have.

Now finally meeting a SBGG was the most interesting thing that ever happened to me. It's up there when I was a kid I had a dream of how to unify all the forces and how the universe worked.
Makes me wonder where I would be now if I let the foxy SBGG catch me earlier. I was in love now.

The chase was fun though, so thats why I just kept going. The chase was what he living for the fear of being caught what kept him going.

Hey, Maybe I'm just a quick learner, but things suddenly got really interesting of late!



;-)
 
Last edited:
Well, i read through that but I honestly barely understood it. Maybe I'm dumb or something.....
I can see there's some talent there somewhere but I feel the whole piece was a bit confusing...
 
koma said:
Well, i read through that but I honestly barely understood it. Maybe I'm dumb or something.....
I can see there's some talent there somewhere but I feel the whole piece was a bit confusing...


I'd be very grateful which parts I could pad out to make it more sense,
it's pretty much very compressed as it were already, primarily because I'm not up to writing a novel so sticking with the very short story format.

:)
 
"He knew this time the last telepath tapping he did into the consciousness of the universe, this time they were going for the kill, way too clear and certain this time."

I think the kind of thing Koma is referring to is this first sentence. It doesn't actually make any gramatical sense. Maybe there's a missing coma or two maybe some missing words.

There are several sentences like this. It isn't a question of padding out, just some editing so that the average reader can get to grips with it.

You maybe know what you wanted to write but read it yourself, carefully. Or get someone to read it to you. I think you will see that it is difficulty enough to understand let alone provide a critique.

Hope this helps. :)
 
I've decided to attack this as if it were conventional grammar, although I can see that that would take some of the difference out of it. I'm just not sure how to do a flank attack on grammar.

BillionNamesofGod said:
I'm currently working some short stories - here is my first attempt - feedback welcome! I just wrote it as you read it.



Syber Chaze


k.

k?

k!

ki!!

k!

He knew this time
comma, then "from"?
the last telepath
I'd have preferred "telepathic" over "telepath". You've got a perfectly good adjective; why confuse people by using a noun as an adjective?
tapping he did into the consciousness of the universe, this time they were going for the kill, way too clear and certain this time. This time the games were over. They were going for the kill. He knew when they caught up this time he would die.
Having Just
why capital "J"?
teleported himself
"in the biggest jump he had ever done"?
biggest jump he ever did, literally from one end of the galaxy to another,
A galaxy doesn't have ends. OK, quibble
was no escape. Now he couldn't jump for quite a while to would have to wing it
"to would have to"?? "he would have to"? "to be able to"? I really don't know what this is trying to say
, but at least it gave him some time.
He tapped his first knuckle on this left hand, a light pad appeared on the palm of his hand,
Perhaps "He tapped the first knuckle on his left hand and a light pad appeared on his palm. Drawing his favorite symbol gave him access"? (I've compressed down repitition without, I feel, losing too much meaning)
he drew his favourite gesture on his palm to get access. In-front
no dash
of him in the world he was in now, a large holographic landscape screen appeared. He liked the Retro Bright vector colours, maybe he was showing his age now. Some objects threw shadows of their higher dimensional selves so they appeared as 3D wireframe, but his super mind knew what they meant. He instantly visualised in his mind a route and it started to appear in front of him in the hologram. A few thoughts and hand gestures later he knew he was ahead. Last time it was close
full stop, or at least semicolon
too many people died and he felt bad about it,
semicolon
this time he was determined not to cause so much death to escape their clutches. He already had a really bad Karma Record in the Astral Askashic Record he knew
that "he knew" would be better off at the beginning of the sentence; and do you really need to capitalise that much?
, he didn't want it any worse. At this rate when was he
he was, It isn't a question, is it?
truly dead it would take several thousands years for his life to flash before him, and a large majority of that
would have involved?
involved killing a lot of lesser beings. Just because it was easy and accidental wasn't an excuse he knew. He told Joel to get on with it, and let's move
Just "move" without the "let's" unless you're quoting, in which case inverted commas before the "get"
. The multiverse portal was near a neighbouring star
comma, then "a few hundred" which, incidentally,is hardly "neighbouring" but I suppose he's near the rim of a galaxy where distances are greater
few hundred light years away, so no sweat. He'd be there in no time. Then he'd change universe and buy more time.
Got to keep moving now.

Joel (his Alter AI lived in partnership with his brain, and was in tune with Quantum biogenic fields of the Universe-Net) via telekinesis moved his Bio Suit from his embedded bio-space backpack in front of him over his head while performing a performance upgrade on the suit.
It enlarged into the size of a brick and
replace first "and" with a comma
stuck onto his chest and emitted a octopus web over his body, where millions of tiny octopus suckers emitted a Bio-Gel spaceship suit perfectly in shape of his body to protect him from Space.
too many repetitions, particularly "octopus" Try and simplify the description
His Quantum Hyper-drive in his backpack emerged like a the flow of a splash of water and started to distort gravity from other dimensions and he moved towards his destination by warping spacetime to his needs.
Of course they now knew where he was in the Galaxy but didn't gave
didn't give
chase.
They had hacked into his Joel and new his HUD in his eye
"and knew the HUD in his eye"?
was showing full power up. One thing they couldn't figure out
"couldn't figure out was where he was getting his additional"
where he was getting this additional power ups, so they knew he had twenty or so minor Teleports and Hyper Jumps left.
"knew"? They didn't "know" anything. They believed
(They thought he used some multidimensional trick from accessing his Spirit Guides in the parallel Astral dimension who hung around black holes for this energy). This was pure a real time zone chase now.
"his was a pure time zone chase now"?
Of course he found it amusing that he was using Dark Energy for most of it, and they still didn't know what it was really for. I mean it's all over the shop, so very handy.

They effectively blocked all higher dimensional access to his higher bodies so telepathy wasn't any good anymore. They knew with such power ups he would jump from galaxy from galaxy with ease. So there was no point giving chase, just wait and see where he stays the longest and where he next disappears from this universe to the next. He thought he was buying time, but they were just waiting for the kill time.

They had already chased him over several solar systems throughout the galaxy via teleports, he was clearly just making fun here, giving them an easy chase but he knew they didn't have enough power ups than he did
making fun? (maybe having fun? and "enough power ups than he did"? Enough isn't a comparitive. Needs restating
. He was playing a bigger game all along.

He had to move in the physical here, although Astral Travel was faster than light, no way he could hide his body this time. He kept his time machines and multiverse portal machines scattered all over the galaxy in different times. He left monoliths in places he liked as guidance beacons if he forgot or got killed in a elaborate puzzle for people to find in an alternate multiverse reality game to be launched by Joel if he was caught. The clues were all based on the novels by H.G. Wells, which he memorised word for word in a week when he was a child. Truly the most fun he ever had, and his inspiration for making his first time machine, which incidentally was remarkably easy. He knew then he was just, well, a little different. Why write when you can do it for real? He's
He'd
much rather leave real art and puzzles if they did catch him and kill him than a diary, so eventually everyone would know what he knew - eventually. Boy, eventually they will be surprised.

I certainly was when I found out.

Things were catching up to him now. The forces of Nature and time itself were after him.
Was it because he was having too much fun? Maybe he borrowed just a little too much from too many times and multiverses? The Forces of Nature were definitely after him.
He wasn't afraid of God, heck it was all a simulation he said to himself, and I
no "I"
really what's the big deal of meeting some super programmer universe architect being anyway?
----

What was I thinking? Did I really think I could out chase a SBGG (Super Being God Geek)? It was clearly just playing with me all along pushing me to greater heights. The other people who were chasing me now were like me a few thousand years ago,were just part of the SBGG Alternate Reality Game with me now, but clearly were being fed information from somewhere, they clearly weren't as smart as him yet. Or so he thought.

So much to his surprise the SBGG (Super Being God Geek) wasn't as hacked off as he thought when they caught up with him, when he jumped universe. He just said clearly you were like me about 15 billion years ago, so cut the chase, to the next 15 billion years ahead, and start creating your own universes.

I mean surely if it was mere coincidence that the SBGG was in equivalent mental precepts of your feeble mind a "female" and I was a "male" still. I was kind of wondering if mating was a possibility but I'd never thought of those things in quite a while. After a while you do stop thinking about those things
comma
amazingly. A baby universe of my own design did seem a very interesting prospect indeed.

Well, I was a little bored, it was about time really, and he was right
semicolon
every thing was easy except how do I create my own universe. I never thought of it actually. (how dumb!)

Now I think that was the goal I was searching for, but all along it was searching for me and I have been avoiding it thinking I knew more than I should have.

Now finally meeting a SBGG was the most interesting thing that ever happened to me. It's up there when I was a kid I had a dream of how to unify all the forces and how the universe worked.
Makes me wonder where I would be now if I let the foxy SBGG catch me earlier. I was in love now.

The chase was fun though, so thats why I just kept going. The chase was what he living
what he was living for, the fear
for the fear of being caught what kept him going.

Hey, Maybe I'm just a quick learner, but things suddenly got really interesting of late!



;-)
The introduction of the first person in the final paragraphs does not help clarify the identity or motives of the third party in the beginning (or, for that matter, his fate, assuming that the two observers are not one and the same) Leaving interuniversal portals hanging around at different "times" in the galaxy suggests they're very temporary
 
koma said:
Well, i read through that but I honestly barely understood it. Maybe I'm dumb or something.....
I can see there's some talent there somewhere but I feel the whole piece was a bit confusing...
No, it's not just you. This story suffers from the problem of "as the writer, I have a clear vision in my mind, but I'm not fully expressing this vision with my readers." There seems to be too much focus on "special effects" and not enough on what's actually going on.

Just my thoughts, anyway.
 
Aes said:
No, it's not just you. This story suffers from the problem of "as the writer, I have a clear vision in my mind, but I'm not fully expressing this vision with my readers." There seems to be too much focus on "special effects" and not enough on what's actually going on.

Just my thoughts, anyway.

Yep, that's exactly it! Incredible don't you think a reader can detect such things. It's amazing. Would be nice to be able to write something without everyone knowing my mental state.

;-)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
KateWalker Game Discussions 59

Similar threads


Back
Top