really short piece

alexhurry

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Joined
Jun 21, 2005
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112
Location
England
hey this is a short piece that I randomly wrote after reading about all the knife attacks that have occured over Britain lately. It's a rushed affair but still:)





The punch sent a shock through his whole body; he shuddered involuntarily and dropped to the floor clutching his bruised chin. His attacker, a tall, square faced, broad shouldered adolescent stepped up to his felled opponent and sent a vicious kick across his face. The observers were screaming for blood as the victim lolled harmlessly on the floor, to displease his audience would be a major setback to his reputation and so he pulled out a penknife and held it up to the bloodthirsty group of teenagers. With a sadistic grin he pulled back his arm and started to lunge towards the unprotected face of the youth; but he was stopped as a hand grabbed his wrist at the very last second, looking up the boy could see a coloured youth wearing a tracksuit, vest and baseball cap.
“Get the hell off me nigger.” This resulted in uproar; several of the coloured people that were watching the attack charged out and jumped on the boy punching at his face and body. The rest of the white people were maddened by this disrespect of their leader and so they joined in the fight against the coloured people, punches were being thrown all round and crude insults were shared.
The fight abruptly stopped when far off sirens could be heard getting closer and closer, everyone ceased movement and in one joint decision sped off towards their bikes, mopeds, or any other kind of transport to escape the public park with great haste. After twenty seconds or so the park was empty, apart from one person, the limp body of a white boy with several knife wounds in the chest.
 
I couldn't get a clear picture of what was happening. Which ones are the observers? Sorry can't say more got to go to work lol. Thanks for sharing
 
are you looking for critique? firstly you change from first person to third. then you switch perspective and drop back to first person. secondly your grammar needs some work. you need to use paragraphs.
Its kinda stereotypical the way you have everyone jump in. Theres no depth to the piece, its just blacks versus whites regardless of anything behind the scene. I know its only a short piece, but even still. Plus if the person is stabbed on the ground surely that is important enough to warrant more than an afterthought??
 

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