Touch, Butterfly and Void: Poem

[dustinzgirl]

Hi, just wanted to share my latest poem.


Touch, Butterfly and Void:


Here is the first,
A breath and a touch,
On skin that forgot.
To what surprised eyes we deny ourselves!
And stare into the waiting dark,
Sip bottled water and eat the share,
Without a simplified existential glance
Crooked eyes with ignorant desires.

Almost, a taste like mist
Falling from numb fingers
Falling away into dust,
Nothing came before this,
Nothing comes after this.

Covetous, eyes drill with gems of jealousy,
Language dissipates into forgotten worship,
Earthly and wanton, atonement without pride.


Here is the midst,
A kiss and a caress,
That never was a butterfly.
To what ends we develop the means?
And wait for our deaths to overcome us,
Sit graciously with ankles cross't,
Walk this way but not that,
Straight past the dawn of mourning.

Almost, a tear like screams
Running nimble and quick,
Running into lost dreams,
Everything before this moment,
Everything after this moment.

Desirous, flames burn bright into cessation,

Here is the last,
A love and a hate,
Of the defined and denied.
To this end, we develop and deny.
And there is only the burnt cement,
Shells of once-life now bake in the sun,
Emptiness is the voice that fills the void.


Well then,
Tell me.

What are you willing to give up:
To hold the universe in your palm?

Nothing, everything.
I answered and turned away from temptation,
Turned from the sweet death I had been chasing,

All this time, all this pain,
And in the end, I could only turn away

 

[j d worthington]

Hope you don't mind a somewhat lengthy critique here.

First of all, let me say: THIS IS GOOD STUFF! Not only do you have some impressive imagery and avoid the stereotyped to an amazing degree, you have some phrases and junctures of ideas that had me catching my breath up short. What I would suggest has to do with technical points, mostly problems with scansion, very, very little with altering description, etc. That you have down beautifully.

Okay: First, a question that I think, but am not sure, is answered by a later usage. "Crooked eyes eyes with ignorant desires." I assume that the "e" is voiced in this, to render it "crook-ed", since you later use an elision for "crossed/cross't". If not, it should be, as without the dissyllable it doesn't scan properly.

In the lines "Falling away from numb fingers/Falling away into dust", I would advise dropping the second "Falling", as it interferes with the syllabification as well as scansion of the line. Ditto for the second "this" in the following lines. Try it and see if it doesn't, oddly make it a bit more powerful, as well.

On the line "Earthly and wanton, atonement without pride", did you mean to write "earthy" or "earthly"? Either would work, either would be appropriate, but I find "Earthly" is different enough that it rather catches the reader up; it's unusual and startling and adds an entirely new slant to this, while recalling the other phrasing as well. In other words, I find this extremely beautiful and effective. I'd keep it.

The next stanza I'll address in more detail in a moment. Right now, I'd say that "cross't" should be "cross'd"; the "t" is obtrusively archaic and a bit jarring.

"Running nimble and quick/Running into lost dreams" -- again, I think the second "Running" interferes with the way the line scans, and also lessens the impact of the following phrase to some degree. And I'd drop the second "this moment" in the next two lines. Again, scan and also impact would seem to benefit by leaving it out; this would give the feeling of infinity at the end of the line, whereas "this moment" pulls it up short and nails it down too concretely. Leaving it off allows for that feeling that "after" really does reach out into the void, forever and forever, beyond recalling.

"Here is the midst,
A kiss and a caress,
That was never a butterfly."

This is one of those moments I was talking about earlier, when I find myself pulled up short, with a catch in my breath, thinking "that's goood!" Not just good, mind you, but really good.

"Straight past the dawn of mourning." -- This could have so easily flopped. It almost recalls the line from Disney's Peter Pan of "Straight on 'til morning", but as it is, it recalled that line for me, but without in any diminishing the actual line you wrote; it resonates with it and gives the line a multiplicity of meanings that echo and reverberate; and it isn't into mourning, but "past the dawn of mourning", which may mean going into that dawn, going into and past to what lies beyond, any number of things, but it gives the line incredible depth. This was a very, very felicitious choice of phrasing. In all, this stanza was exceptionally good.

"What are you willing to give up:
To hold the universe in your palm?"

Not only is this another breathless moment in its imagery and the simplicity of its phrasing (while presenting an incredibly profound and awesome moment), but the use of the colon rather than comma, semicolon, etc., allows a certain ambiguity of sense, as well, adding to the nuance.

"All this time, all this pain,
And in the end, I could only turn away."

Again, a breathless moment, filled with emotional complexity and ambiguity.

One of the things I like most is that you have captured something far too many miss: that truly good, even great, poetry is not caught up in deliberate archaism or inversion, etc.; it tends to be simple in phrasing, but complex in thought and mental/emotional associations, it tends to resonate on different levels. Good poetry can be archaic, or make good use of archaism, but often the best is phrased in simple, everyday language to convey multiple layers of meaning.

I'm very impressed. Forgive me for asking, but have you done much poetry? Have you been published? And if so, where would I find it? If this is a sample, I'd very much like to see more. Heck, with your permission, I'd like to have a copy of this one, once it's published (if you go for that, I wouldn't want to diminish sales).


Pardon the effusiveness, but modern poetry is too often flat and tame, and formal poetry is too often taken up with the archaisms mentioned; so to come across something of this quality is really quite exceptional. Keep going; this is special.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Wow JD thanks. And no, I did not mind the length at all. I made the changes you suggested, and yes, it does read much better without the repitition, Thank you! I am so glad you liked it. In fact, I think you liked it more than I do! LOL, but anyways, to answer some of the things you said:

Earthly was meant as earthly....like daughter of humanity born of dirt kind of earthly, so you were right on the mark with that one, but the real point of that phrase is mortal sin (Earthly and wanton)

Straight past the dawn of mourning---yes there are multiple meanings here. I wanted to convey the feeling of moving past death, without looking back, but going on a mystical journey at the same time. I don't know if that is a concept that can be achieved in one line, but you seemed to grasp it, so I think I got it right.

I never really tried to publish my poetry. I just write it for fun and release, but if it ever did get published, you most certainly can have a copy!

Again, thank you for your comments, and I am very glad you liked this. I do have a lot more poetry, I'll probably be posting some soon. Some is very archaic, some is very religious, and some--well, some I wouldn't let a 13 yr old read, if you catch my drift, LOL.

Here is the revision:

Touch, Butterfly and Void:

Here is the first,
A breath and a touch,
On skin that forgot.
To what surprised eyes we deny ourselves!
And stare into the waiting dark,
Sip bottled water and eat the share,
Without a simplified existential glance
Crook'd eyes with ignorant desires.

Almost, a taste like mist
Falling from numb fingers
Away into dust,
Nothing came before this,
Nothing comes after.

Covetous, eyes drill with gems of jealousy,
Language dissipates into forgotten worship,
Earthly and wanton, atonement without pride.


Here is the midst,
A kiss and a caress,
That never was a butterfly.
To what ends we develop the means?
And wait for our deaths to overcome us,
Sit graciously with ankles cross'd,
Walk this way but not that,
Straight past the dawn of mourning.

Almost, a tear like screams
Running nimble and quick,
Into lost dreams,
Everything before this moment,
Everything after.

Desirous, flames burn bright into cessation,

Here is the last,
A love and a hate,
Of the defined and denied.
To this end, we develop and deny.
And there is only the burnt cement,
Shells of once-life now bake in the sun,
Emptiness is the voice that fills the void.


Well then,
Tell me.

What are you willing to give up:
To hold the universe in your palm?

Nothing, everything.
I answered and turned away from temptation,
Turned from the sweet death I had been chasing,

All this time, all this pain,
And in the end, I could only turn away

 

[j d worthington]

Beautiful! And thanks for the comments. One thing I meant to note before, and this is a tiny thing (scansion again): "On skin that has forgot", adding "has" to give the line balance and symmetry. (In this case, the archaic use of such a construction is allowable.) And what I had meant earlier on the "crooked/crook'd" is that "crooked" actually works better because of the dissyllable, making it "crook - ed" -- again giving the proper balance to the number of syllables in the line. But I'm glad you found the comments helpful; and I look forward to any more of your poetry you care to share. (And, at risk of repeating myself too much, I really think this deserves to be published. It's good.)