Spirit Eater (please critique, I can take it)

[cyphus4]

Here goes my second attempt at a post on this forum. Earlier I posted information on a story I was working on about a beast called the Spiritwalker and the three searching for it. SJAB helped me by pointing out several errors, and hopefully I've been able to take them into account with this next post. Please, let me know what you think about this one.

One issue I had with this writing was the number of uses with "creature" and "beast", but I don't want to name the Spirit Eater in the first chapter of the story, so any input on that would be great. Since the ending of the scene is somewhat lengthy, I am only putting a portion of it.


The beast hurried through the woods with unnatural speed. Two hours had passed under this canopy of green and black, but still the beast had not found its prey it has sought for centuries. How old is this beast? The creature’s appearance reveals no clue, but the hunkered posture and stiff movements may be a sign of years on the hunt. Regardless, the creature has killed for centuries, and age will not prevent it from following instinct. Remarkably silent, it races under the thick, robust branches and over the leafy underbrush. After several more hours, the creature has finally reached his destination, the town of Parish. The beast makes his way to the perimeter of the town, creeping outside the shine of torches. It reaches the stony wall and quickly climbs up, grasping each crevice to gain a firm hold. The silent creature hurls itself quickly over, dropping his paws to the narrow, wooden catwalk only paces from a watchman. He hears nothing.


The sky masks the lupine beast’s presence this eve; no stars or moon to shed light outside the aura of a flickering flame. The predator moves up behind this guard, matching each movement with the clamer of the armored man's steps. The beast bows his torso down, keeping low enough that he won’t be seen from over the guard when he approaches. The beast stands nearly eight feet, two heads over this guard. His lupine structure allows him to move quietly through terrain, but his paws have not stepped on planks in decades.


The watchman halts his step and leans his head slightly down, focusing his hearing. He thought he heard someone or something coming up behind him. He turns back around abruptly, whipping his broadsword from its sheath as he spins. Sword drawn and feet planted, the guard readies his stance. He waits several moments, cautiously expecting an intruder.


“Must have been nothing.”


He silently dispelled the thought from his mind, and he slides the blade back down into its leathery scabbard. The moment the beast had waited to come. He turned his face upward, catching a glimpse of the pouncing fiend. The red flames of the wolf’s glaring eyes ripped away his composure. His knees buckled before the feral creature ever wrapped his body. The weight of the wolf brought the guard fully to the ground, and his helmet slammed hard against the wood, sending pulsing pain to back of his head. He felt blood spray, filling up the rear of his iron helm. The beast raked at the watchman’s chest. The first two swift swings broke the chains of his armor, leaving the fleshy husk of a man vulnerable to his feral intent. He felt the first three swipes, but nothing beyond that. He tried to fight as he screamed, but his shaky hands couldn’t even unsheathe his sword. After the third blow he became numb, only feeling emptier after each claw ransacked his body.

One…two… three ironclad defenders rush to the sound. His eyes went black, and his screams stopped. The vicious beast took two gaping bites from his chest before the other watchmen arrive with weapons bare.

 

[dustinzgirl]

The first thing I would tell you is that your description of the beast is good, but I would not focus on that. It will take away from the actual event and the characters. Spend mre time showing me how the characters react to the beast. That will enhance the mystery. Think of X Files, that show went on for years....because we never saw the beast. We saw the affects of the beast, but never truly saw the real beast until the movie. That is what kept people on for years. And keeps me watching the series at 2 am...its mystery and fear.

If I were writing this, I would do so from the watchmans perspective. What did he see, or smell or hear first? What was he doing? Was he thinking about that pretty fat bottomed wench down the road? Or about his wife of fifty years who fell ill, and will probably die?

What about in the forest? surely, something must have seen the beast, a little bird perhaps, thrust from its nest? The wise old owl who watched the thing clammor around.

What is happening in this section is your are telling me what the beast did, not showing me his interactions and letting me figure out what he did.

I know you are just starting, that is why I am going back to my original statement. This is good, it is well written, but it is not what I would read.

One of the best rules in fiction I have ever learned is that:

You can not write about things your characters do not know.

(Well, you can...but you have to be sneaky and quiet about it)

PS: I really, really like this line:
only feeling emptier after each claw ransacked his body.

because it is poetic. But, honestly, if you were having yoru guts torn out, I don't think you would feel empty. Filled with inept fear and pain as the beasts claws ransacked his body. Would make a lot more sense.

 

[cyphus4]

The first thing I would tell you is that your description of the beast is good, but I would not focus on that. It will take away from the actual event and the characters. Spend mre time showing me how the characters react to the beast. That will enhance the mystery. Think of X Files, that show went on for years....because we never saw the beast. We saw the affects of the beast, but never truly saw the real beast until the movie. That is what kept people on for years. And keeps me watching the series at 2 am...its mystery and fear.

What is happening in this section is your are telling me what the beast did, not showing me his interactions and letting me figure out what he did.

Thanks for all the help. Yeah, I noticed what you mentioned about description. I believe that comes from DMing for Dungeons & Dragons for too many years, I need to start practicing getting into my characters' minds. Any exercises to help me learn would be good.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Thanks for all the help. Yeah, I noticed what you mentioned about description. I believe that comes from DMing for Dungeons & Dragons for too many years, I need to start practicing getting into my characters' minds. Any exercises to help me learn would be good.

I would recommend looking at Dragon magazine, D & D mags...even their editors will tell you that if your story reads like a gaming session, it is not a story--it is a gaming session. I've heard that myself, LOL.

Getting into a characters mind is hard, boy, is it hard. You have to think about how things taste to them, how they think and feel.....differently from you.

I think of a situation and write up three short sentances to interact with it:
What I would do, what I would not do, and What I should do! This helps me, for example:

I hear a pounding from the upstairs attic:
1. (Would do) being the avid horror movie watcher that I am, I would send my boyfriend to check it out (sorry babe, thats just truth)
2. (Would not do) Go up and check it out myself, because there are no such things as monsters
3. (Should do) Get the heck out of the house! Don't you hear the jingle of the bad guys knives? Are you freaking insane? Run dummy, run!

That will help you think of different perspectives. You have to train your brain to think differently.

 

[cyphus4]

Yeah, I'll read up in those magazines, I have a few at home. Any other pointers for writing this story? I'll give everyone the jist of what I had planned for it. I've changed my mind on how I want it to read, I'd like to have the chapters with the Spirit Eater read more like a horror or mystery novel.

The story will eventually unfold to find the creature's origin, which hopefully will bring more mystery into the story. The scenes with characters such as Belvo the Black and Gerbode will be more character focused, as Belvo and Gerbode will most likely be the protagonists.

 

[j d worthington]

Just a quick note on getting into your beastie's origin: make it flow with the story; in other words, don't get too specific, if you want this thing to have a lasting impact on the reader's imagination/memory; leave some of it shrouded in mystery; give enough, but not too much.

 

[cyphus4]

That sounds great, man. Thanks for all the input and help Dustinzgirl and JD. Yeah, one way I'm hoping to help build to the origins of the creature is through the eyes and writings of Gerbrode. He is an investigator from the nation's high capital, Durham. In many areas of my world in the story, characters reflect society from times such as the Renaissance.

Gerbrode is from such an area. His participation and character's study will reveal much, but the truly shocking ending will be due to the other character, Belvo the Black's standpoint. Belvo is a character that already exists in my D&D setting and really enjoy getting a chance to flesh him out. That is one way I hope to learn how to get in depth with my characters is to work with Belvo first. He is well known to me, I often RP him in my game sessions, so I can grasp his thought patterns and interact with him.

 

[chrispenycate]

Here goes my second attempt at a post on this forum. Earlier I posted information on a story I was working on about a beast called the Spiritwalker and the three searching for it. SJAB helped me by pointing out several errors, and hopefully I've been able to take them into account with this next post. Please, let me know what you think about this one.

One issue I had with this writing was the number of uses with "creature" and "beast", but I don't want to name the Spirit Eater in the first chapter of the story, so any input on that would be great. Since the ending of the scene is somewhat lengthy, I am only putting a portion of it.


The beast hurried through the woods with unnatural speed. Two hours had passed under this canopy of green and black, but still the beast had not found its prey

the prey it has sought

it has sought for centuries. How old is this beast? The creature’s appearance reveals no clue, but the hunkered posture and stiff movements may be a sign of years on the hunt. Regardless, the creature has killed for centuries,

Sought for centuries, killed for centuries; perhaps an alternate form

and age will not prevent it from following instinct. Remarkably silent, it races under the thick, robust branches and over the leafy underbrush. After several more hours, the creature has finally reached his destination, the town of Parish. The beast makes his way to the perimeter of the town, creeping outside the shine of torches. It reaches the stony wall and quickly climbs up, grasping each crevice to gain a firm hold. The silent creature hurls itself quickly over, dropping his paws to the narrow, wooden catwalk only paces from a watchman. He hears nothing.

Quite a lot of "beast"s could be just eliminated, replaced with "it"s, as you're concentrating on one character, and I feel you should stick to either "it" (impersonalising it) or "he", increasing our empathy. The "it for the predator and "he" for the guard lets you specify your principal characters with minimal risk of confusion

The sky masks the lupine beast’s presence this eve; no stars or moon to shed light outside the aura of a flickering flame. The predator moves up behind this guard, matching each movement with the clamer

clamour? He's making that much noise, even in full armour? Or is it just that the creatures senses are so acute the slightes stimulus is magnified?

of the armored man's steps. The beast bows his torso down, keeping low enough that he won’t be seen from over the guard when he approaches.

I don't quite get the picture; who is observing the guard from above? A guard post, a higher catwalk? And why, if concealment is essential during the stalk does it not matter during the kill?

The beast stands nearly eight feet, two heads over

taller than; you've stated that he's lowered himself

this guard. His lupine structure allows him to move quietly through terrain, but his paws have not stepped on planks in decades.

The watchman halts his step and leans his head slightly down

don't like either "halts his step" (just "halts") or "leans his head" (tilts? bows?)

, focusing his hearing. He thought he heard someone or something coming up behind him. He turns back around abruptly, whipping his broadsword from its sheath as he spins. Sword drawn and feet planted, the guard readies his stance. He waits several moments, cautiously expecting an intruder.

“Must have been nothing.”

why, after all the beginning in present tense, are we suddenly in the imperfect?

He silently dispelled the thought from his mind,

what thought? The only thought

and he slides the blade back down into its leathery scabbard. The moment the beast had waited

"had waited for had come"

to come. He turned his face upward, catching a glimpse of the pouncing fiend. The red flames of the wolf’s glaring eyes ripped away his composure. His knees buckled before the feral creature ever wrapped

wrapped? Sounds like a christmas present. Struck, more, from the description

his body. The weight of the wolf brought the guard fully to the ground, and his helmet slammed hard against the wood, sending pulsing pain to back of his head. He felt blood spray, filling up the rear of his iron helm. The beast raked at the watchman’s chest. The first two swift swings

Don't like "swings" for close up work, as described. "strokes" maybe?

broke the chains of his armor, leaving the fleshy husk of a man vulnerable to his feral intent. He felt the first three swipes, but nothing beyond that. He tried to fight as he screamed, but his shaky hands couldn’t even unsheathe his sword. After the third blow he became numb, only feeling emptier after each claw ransacked his body.

quick change back to present, then return to past tense

One…two… three ironclad defenders rush to the sound. His eyes went black, and his screams stopped. The vicious beast took two gaping bites from his chest before the other watchmen arrive with weapons bare.

 

[cyphus4]

Thanks for the critique man, ill work on that.