untitled - CHAPTER 4: SURVIVOR

[orionsixwings]

I know it's been a while since I last updated this story, so I'm including links to the previous chapters here for those who haven't read them yet.

PROLOGUE AND CHAPTER ONE
http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/10090-untitled-story.html
CHAPTER TWO
http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/10106-untitled-story-chapter-2-to-be-a-crown-prince.html
CHAPTER THREE
http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/10152-untitled-chapter-3-a-breath-of-truth.html

Again, I need the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don't be afraid to offend me because I don't easily get offended. I'd rather you say the truth so I can correct my mistakes before I send this to the publishers.

THANKS.

CHAPTER FOUR:
SURVIVOR​

He could barely remember being alive. He had no idea who he was, how he came into this place. He tried to press his mind to remember, but nothing. All he could feel was the ache felt throughout his body. He could hardly see; he twitched when he touched his eyes. His body was all about wounds, bruises and scratches. He could swear he has a broken rib. But he was alive. How could he live with this kind of pain? He was on fire. He was burning.

How?

With a piercing headache, he started to remember. Quite vaguely. The wild people. The hard beatings. The vile curses. His mind flashed back images of his utter suffering at the hands of people he never even knew. He saw grim faces giving him murderous glares. Women throwing things at him. Children spitting at him. He'll never be able to recount how many bash in the head he got, how many fists got to land on his chest and stomach, or how may kicks his whole body received. He felt dread at that. Torture. But he was still alive. Was he left here to die? It seemed a suitable idea.

He was lying on the ground. Hard ground. It was good no protruding stones added up to his list of pain causes. He lay there, like a lump of a dead animal, waiting to be fed by anything who liked meat. He could not move without gasping. Only a broken rib? It must be more than just a rib. Whatever intact part of his body kept him alive to wake up. He must have crawled all this way - his hands were dirty, his fingernails full of earth. His torn clothes were all patched with dried mud.

Looking at his surroundings, he saw no signs of people. Only the rush of a nearby spring seem to have given life to where he was. Over the horizon, he can see the sun slowly setting down, the tall lush trees taking over the sight. There were no clouds in the sky, just a pact of birds flying towards his direction.

"Water".

His voice was hoarse. He tried to stand up, but an instant flash of blinding pain prevented him. He tried again, and he never could recall how loud his scream was. He tried to crawl towards the stream, but just an inch of movement already caused him to pass out. Again.

 

[Paradox 99]

Hi Orion,

As with the other exerts, I enjoyed this one too.
However, there are a few places where the sentences are a bit distracting and don't seem to work quite right. Sometimes there's confusion with tense and sometimes the word placement seems a little odd.

I like what you've done though. The pain and horror that he's suffering comes across really well.

He'll never be able to recount how many bash in the head he got

bashes instead of bash? And I'm not sure I'm too comfortable with that word. It feels a bit slang. Something like cracks might be better - and then that would be "to" instead of "in". Plus, the tense here seems odd.

waiting to be fed by anything who liked meat.

I think that should be to rather than by. Plus you've specified it as "anything" here, so "who" seems inappropriate - "that" would be the better choice.

Only the rush of a nearby spring seem to have given life to where he was.

"seemed" instead of "seem", but this whole sentence feels awkward to me anyway. The tense choices are strange.

just a pact of birds flying towards his direction.

pack.
Flying "towards" his "direction" feels odd too. To me, it implies that he's on the move rather than stationary because the birds are moving in the same direction as he is. "flying his way" or "flying overhead" would have done just as well.

I like it though. I'll keep my eyes peeled for the next bit.

 

[orionsixwings]

Thank you very much Paradox 99. It took me many hours to continue with the story --- writer's block I suppose. I greatly appreciate the time you consumed in editing it. Thank you very much!

 

[koma]

Most interesting.
I am now going to have to go back to read the rest of this.
I'm not bothered by the obvious mistakes, they can be ironed out easily. The thing is that I want to know what the hell is going on. Thats the most important thing.
I'll comment more once I've caught up.....

 

[koma]

Oh, now I'm disappointed.
Can I make a suggestion.....
Forget the other parts and start your story from what you've written here.
Much better start; see where it takes you and just write whatever comes in to your head.

 

[orionsixwings]

Oh, now I'm disappointed.
Can I make a suggestion.....
Forget the other parts and start your story from what you've written here.
Much better start; see where it takes you and just write whatever comes in to your head.

Sorry to see someone disappointed, but then again, I am a tad confused on why you are, and what you mean by forget the other parts which I've written. If you suggest starting the story from this chapter, I understand that, but to tell me that the rest is crap, I don't. Because this is just part of a story that I am still telling.

Your suggestion of what comes into my head is really funny since everything I've written so far did come from my head.