Lex Talionis: Poem

[dustinzgirl]

I wrote this in kind of an old world, early roman era feel, hence the Latin. My Latin is not all that great, but I did try, so if you are excellent at Latin you will probably laugh at me. This is for one of my more Knightly characters, and so in context it is part of a battle kind of thing, but the knight himself is so bound by his own beliefs that he is actually a bad guy in the story...anyways, here we go:

Lex Talionis
(Measure for Measure)

Open the heart to indemnity,
For what dark and vile devilry
Could survive in amnesty?
Let not the dark prevail,
Lest a soul fall to evil.

Such is the way, the light,
And steals away the night,
To see beyond mortal sight.
Keep vigilance and promise,
As shield and crest.

Proeliator pro Deus,
Deo vigil Vindice,
Timor haud mors mortis
Vereor mihi Mortalitis

See the hopeless fall behind,
For they have seen the end,
The abyss and the inner fiend,
Be still, Servant of Mephistopheles,
And halt depraved deeds.

Battle burns for the brave,
Rise to the call for blades,
Lex talionis,Knights of the Accolades,
Wicked and weak will have no quarter,
Heaven's bounty to the honorable.



PS: For those of you who were not forced to learn latin (grew up Catholic, I did):

Proeliator pro Deus,
(I am) Warrior for God
Deo vigil Vindice,
God is my vigilant protector (or savior, depending)
Timor haud mors mortis
(I) fear no death
Vereor mihi Mortalitis
(but) death should fear (me)
__________________

 

[dustinzgirl]

Um That poem actually did kind of suck. So I realized, and re-wrote it to not be quite so heavily religious...

Lex Talionis, Knight


Open the heart to indemnity, for against the tides of time they rise.
Ignorant of imminent demise, Oh, what dark and vile devilry!
That which should not be sought, and yet survived in amnesty?
Upon beasts of fire they will ride, and let not the dark prevail.
Come all, and bow low, lest a soul fall to evil.

Such is the way, the light, for those who died so that we may live.
Let not their voice go unheard or stolen away in the night!
Or songs go unsung, for don't they see beyond mortal sight?
Betrayed by those once loved, kept vigilance and promise.
Dead beneath the claws, hold both shield and crest.

To demons in the bowels of Hell, the brightest Knights fell behind.
Fought with neither aid nor succor through and beyond the end!
From abyss and fiend, and now to be forgotten in ashes of time?
The Knights fell betrayed, so now be still, Servant of Mephistopheles.
The child of light comes to halt depraved deeds.

A child bound all by innocent blood, for battles burn brave and bright.
Dragons called forth the demons, which rose with screams to the fight!
Lex talionis, Knights, is not your light truthful pride and nothing less?
For the wicked there is no quarter, but a violent end at the tower cress.
Oh! What a nasty trickery of time and life.

Come all, and hear their tale, at last, Heaven's bounty to the honorable
For with the dawn of man came death, none left to hear battle cries!
Troubadour, are there none left to sing their song, and fill their goblet?
Not to die from wound, or battle, or illness that would never abate.
Instead they faded into myth, dreams and memory.

 

[drizzt808]

I like both The thought's and idea's you put in add life and realism to it! How long do these generally take you?

 

[dustinzgirl]

About a week of thinking about it, ten minutes writing, and an hour or so of thinking and re-writing.



Thank you.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Um...Version 3.0....LOL

I like this one best. And I changed the name. Cuz' I can.

Oh! Knight, Oh! Troubadour.

Open the heart to indemnity, for against the tides of time they rise.
Ignorant of imminent demise, Oh, what dark and vile devilry!
That which should not be sought, and yet survived in amnesty?
Upon beasts of fire they will ride, and let not the dark prevail.
Come all, and bow low, lest a soul fall to evil.

Such is the way, the light, for those who died so that we may fight.
Let not their voice go unheard or stolen away in the night!
Or songs go unsung, for don't songs see beyond mortal sight?
Betrayed by those once loved, kept vigilance and promise.
Dead beneath the claws, hold both shield and crest.

To demons in the bowels of Hell, the brightest Knights fell behind.
Fought with neither aid nor succor through and beyond the end!
From abyss and fiend, and now to be forgotten in ashes of time?
The Knights fell betrayed, so now be still, Servant of Mephistopheles.
The child of light comes to halt depraved deeds.

A child bound all by innocent blood, for battles burn brave and bright.
Dragons called forth the demons, which rose with screams to the fight!
Lex talionis, Knights, is not your light truthful pride and nothing less?
For the wicked there is no quarter, but a violent end at the tower cress.

Oh! Knight:
What a nasty trickery of time and life.
Come all, and hear their tale, at last, Heaven's bounty to the honorable
For with the dawn of man came death, none left to hear cries of battle!

Oh! Troubadour:
Are there none left to sing their song, and fill their goblet?
Not to die from wound, or battle, or illness that would never abated.
Instead, away to memory they faded.

 

[j d worthington]

Um...Version 3.0....

I like this one best. And I changed the name. Cuz' I can.

Oh! Knight, Oh! Troubadour.

Open the heart to indemnity, for against the tides of time they rise.
Ignorant of imminent demise, Oh, what dark and vile devilry!
That which should not be sought, and yet survived in amnesty?
Upon beasts of fire they will ride, and let not the dark prevail.
Come all, and bow low, lest a soul fall to evil.

Such is the way, the light, for those who died so that we may fight.
Let not their voice go unheard or stolen away in the night!
Or songs go unsung, for don't songs see beyond mortal sight?
Betrayed by those once loved, kept vigilance and promise.
Dead beneath the claws, hold both shield and crest.

To demons in the bowels of Hell, the brightest Knights fell behind.
Fought with neither aid nor succor through and beyond the end!
From abyss and fiend, and now to be forgotten in ashes of time?
The Knights fell betrayed, so now be still, Servant of Mephistopheles.
The child of light comes to halt depraved deeds.

A child bound all by innocent blood, for battles burn brave and bright.
Dragons called forth the demons, which rose with screams to the fight!
Lex talionis, Knights, is not your light truthful pride and nothing less?
For the wicked there is no quarter, but a violent end at the tower cress.

Oh! Knight:
What a nasty trickery of time and life.
Come all, and hear their tale, at last, Heaven's bounty to the honorable
For with the dawn of man came death, none left to hear cries of battle!

Oh! Troubadour:
Are there none left to sing their song, and fill their goblet?
Not to die from wound, or battle, or illness that would never abated.
Instead, away to memory they faded.

Okay, DG, let's try this; I'm covering all three versions here, because each has strengths and weaknesses. So bear with me.

Version 1: I like the terseness of the structure overall, and on a second or third reading, I found that the poem grew on me considerably. I still think it's a bit rough, but I really quite like it. However (leaving aside the Latin, which you certainly know better than I), a couple of comments: "As shield and crest" seems too short a line, yet it is still at acceptable limits for variation. "Be still, servant of Mephistopheles", in this version, seems too long for the surrounding lines. It seems to have one syllable too many. So if you could find a way to shorten it without losing sense or imagery, it might work.

Versions 2 & 3: How about "Come all and bow low, lest a soul fail"? This would keep with the rhyme scheme you are using, and still be the proper length. And, again, how about "Let not their voice go unheard, or be stolen away in the night"? It seems to me that the extra syllable is needed for rhythm here. And on the next line, how about changing from a question to a positive statement. This would seem to fit more with the tone of the poem, and would alleviate a problem in rhythm and scansion, I think. So, instead of "don't they see", simply "for they see". In the phrase "and now to be forgotten", how about leaving out the "to", making it simply "and now be forgotten"? This, again, helps with the syllabification, but it also matches with something I'm about to suggest for a later line.

"Lex talionis, Knights, is not" -- I'd remove "Knights", as it seems unnecessary, and makes the line one syllable too long, I think. And, for the final two lines, how about this:

"Not to die from wound, or battle, or illness that would never abate,
Instead, to faded memory their fate."

I realize it's slightly longer, but it seems closer in rhythm, and matches the rhyme, whereas "abated" in the previous line is a little clumsy in context, I think. And, as I said, I think with the earlier line being shortened for rhythm, this line I propose may make the balance a little neater. What do you think?

Overall, I quite like the poem, but I think versions 1 and 3 are the best, for different reasons. I like the terse, dark and even brutal aspects of version 1, while the philosophical and pensive character of the third version are rather poignant and sad. If I were you, I'd see about tinkering with the problems at some point, and printing both versions -- certainly other poets have done so to no ill effect. So give it a thought.

Glad to have a chance to comment again; sorry it took me so long, but when I first read the second version, I was half asleep, and my wits weren't letting much through...

Good luck!

 

[jackokent]

If I had to choose I'd say the 3rd one is best. Not that it didn't have tough competition. I thought "Wow!" after reading every single one. I don't feel even vaugly qualified to critique any of your poetry but if you published an anthology I'd buy it. I think they're brilliant.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Thanks Jack!

Man this site is awesome for my ego.