Show Or Tell Exercise.....

[mosaix]

There's been a lot of discussion about 'show and tell' in recent threads and I do believe that this is an area, where if writer get to grips with it, can make significant improvements in their writing style.

So an exercise, first paragraph to be a scene 'telling', the second paragraph an identical scene but 'showing'. Or the other way around if you want.

 

[flynx]

Jack Tarl's Dragon was a silver, which meant he ranked below even his cousin who rode a jade. Jack wasn't jealous of his cousin because his cousin always kept out of Jack's way. There was enough room in the legion for them both to fly at extreme ends, either front and back or close to either 'wing'. Jack wasn't jealous, he was angry.





Searching the sun-torn cloud Jack urged his silver beast higher, scanning the serried ranks of dragon to seek out, amongst the rainbow Legion, the boy that had stolen his inheritance. With its lustrous opalescent scales his cousin's mount was never difficult to spot and the silver surged onwards driven by his rider's rage.

 

[MJRevell]

Very nice, flynx.. lol, your tell paragraph made me chuckle

I'll try..


It was morning. John Stone hated being a gargoyle, because daytime was his favourite time of day. Now, he was forced to turn to stone whenever the sun came out, and the pain of it was excrutiating.


Fiery clouds crept slowly over the horizon, and far below birds welcomed the morning, but John Stone recoiled instictively; any love he once knew for daylight was shredded by the thousands of needles stabbing at his legs as they slowly became one with the roof-top.

 

[KSeriphyn]

Eek! Another hard excersise, but I guess it's the hard ones that make you learn the most. Here goes...

Jack saw Diane over the table. He thought it would be good to join her. Diane was reading her book but saw Jack from the corner of her eye and had hope Jack would ask if he could join her.

Jack fretted in his chair, wiry uncomfortable thing, and flicked fugitive glances at the petite blonde two tables from him. She held a book in one hand, the cover hidden from his view. Her other hand fiddled with her fork. A few glances were passed his way. Jack wondered if he should ask to join her.

Well that's it.

Cheers,

KS

 

[carrie221]

Okay I tried this exercise but I am not sure I did it right, but here goes...

She wept inside as she did not want to leave her family but she had no choice. She had to do her duty to her state she thought as she tried to gain the strength to start moving. She forced herself to take a step and then another step without looking back at them knowing that she had to leave, but that she couldn't if she were to look back at them. Thoughts of home and her younger sisters spun in her head as she heard their cries goodbye.

The girl took a deep breath and walked out of the welcoming room without even daring a glance back at her family. She walked with a straight face and a heavy heart but with purposeful footsteps towards the shuttle that would take her off to the service of her state and her civic duty. The room echoed with cries but the girl didn’t miss a step.

 

[flynx]

Okay I tried this exercise but I am not sure I did it right, but here goes...

She wept inside as she did not want to leave her family but she had no choice. She had to do her duty to her state she thought as she tried to gain the strength to start moving. She forced herself to take a step and then another step without looking back at them knowing that she had to leave, but that she couldn't if she were to look back at them. Thoughts of home and her younger sisters spun in her head as she heard their cries goodbye.

The girl took a deep breath and walked out of the welcoming room without even daring a glance back at her family. She walked with a straight face and a heavy heart but with purposeful footsteps towards the shuttle that would take her off to the service of her state and her civic duty. The room echoed with cries but the girl didn’t miss a step.

A lot of the difference between show and tell is in emotion or feeling rather than flat information. Words like 'forced', 'welcoming' 'choice' or 'heavy heart' give insight rather than description. I would class both yours Carrie, as mostly show rather than tell.

I believe the point of the exercise is to avoid lists (dark brown hair, long fingers, sensible shoes) and 'info-dumps' (he worked for the council in the dirtiest job as a binman but was quite well paid and read books and played piano in his spare time)

I wrote a 'how to' a few years ago which may explain better. Unfortunately it's on an 'adult' writing site so I can't link it here. If you'd like I can forward the site/story in PM.

 

[carrie221]

Could you please give me a link to that site?

Thanks

 

[mosaix]

Seeing as how I started this thread I suppose I should contribute.....

He was terribly drunk, his clothes were filthy and he hadn’t washed in days. Passers by avoided him. He drained the bottle and dropped it onto the grass where it rolled through his legs and under the park bench.

[FONT=&quot]His head throbbed, his stomach churned and his vision was so blurred that he hardly noticed people crossing to the far side of the path as they passed. The smell of his clothes was masked only by the stench of his own sweat. His last bottle, having served its purpose, slipped through unfeeling fingers, rolled through his legs and under his own, personal, park bench. [/FONT]