The Complete Star Trek LightBulb Jokes.
Q. How many does it take to screw in a light bulb on DS9?
A. one: Rom.
A. two: Odo and Kira.
A. three: Worf, Jadzia, and Dax.
A. Quark: how many do you want, One strip of Latinum each.
Q. What do you do with an old light bulb?
A. Feed it to a Horta.
***************
Q. How many BORG does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. The whole collective.
A. One: but the whole collective enjoys the experience.
A. Illumination is irrelevant.
A. None: Darkness is irrelevant. Lightbulbs will be obsolete in the new order.
A. Light bulbs are irrelevant. Darkness is irrelevant, Changing them is futile.
A. They don't change the light bulb, they assimilate it . . .
A. Changing the bulb is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.
***************
Q. How many ROMULANS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 151: one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
A. We have been gone for a while, but we have returned to change it.
A. Two: one to do it, and another to kill the first one and take the credit.
A. Three: one to change the bulb and two to guard him so the Federation doesn't steal the secret.
A. Two: One to change the transtator and the other to blow up the ship in disgrace.
***************
Q. How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Approximately 1.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
A. One: Any more would be illogical, Captain.
***************
Q. How many CARDASSIANS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One: but there are *four* lights!
A. Four: because THREE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS...!!!
A. We don't need a light bulb, but if we did, we could take it from you!
A. Just one; however they first have to determine how many light bulbs they see.
A. Four: One to know how to, One to interrogate the one who knows how, One to give the orders, and one to be told to do it.
***************
Q. How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb?
A. He'll sell you a new one... double price (and you'll think it's a bargain!)
A. None of your business, huu-mahn !!!
A. Depends. How much will you pay?
A. Two: one to change it, and the other to sell the old bulb as an antique.
A. Two: one to steal a new one, the other to go sell the broken one.
A. None: they'll just sell the whole lamp to some young Starfleet Ensign.
A. Just one, but he'll charge you double for it.
A. Ferengi Never change!!
A. For the right price, as many as you want.
A. None...they steal it and sell it for profit.
***************
Q. How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb!
***************
Q. How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: they need a Cardassian to figure it out for them.
A. Burned out light bulbs have NO honour. And a true Klingon Warrior is not afraid of the dark!
A. None: Klingons can fight in the dark.
A. "Klingons do NOT change lightbulbs!"
Q. What happened to the KLINGON who did change the light bulb?
A. He was executed for cowardice.
Q. How many KLINGON TERRORISTS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two: One to put it in, and the other to kill the first one. But the first one died honourably
***************
Q. How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Both of them.
***************
Q. How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I sense it has already changed.
A. Well, the bulb has to really want to be changed.
***************
Q. How many TROIs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "I sense a lot of bad humor here"
A. "Captain, I sense - darkness".
***************
Q. How many Q does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Here now, wouldn't you rather have this nice supernova?
A. One: He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
A. Change it into what?
A. "Really, such a trivial task! Here, have a whole bank of fluorescent lights instead!" (snaps fingers)
A. "Changing lightbulbs is boring, I'll set it as a test for Jean-Luc!"
***************
Q. How many ODOs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I will change INTO the light bulb.
A. He found out that it wasn't the lightbulb, but Jake and Nog fooling around.
***************
Q. How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 1,561,772 .......uhh, 73..., ummm, 74..., 75....
A. One: All you have to do is feed it.
***************
Q. How many PROPHETS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Light bulbs are disruptive... intrusive....
***************
Q. How many ORGANIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: they glow in the dark.
A. They ARE the light bulb..
***************
Q. How many WESLEY CRUSHERS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None: He's that good.
A. "I can do that!"
A. Wesley helps by going up on a ladder and cleaning the contact points with a pencil eraser. Unfortunately he slips off the ladder and breaks his leg.
***************
Q. How many STAR FLEET OFFICERs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two: One to change the light bulb, and the other to die shortly after they beam down.
A. None: it would be interfering with the natural development of the light bulb.
***************
Q. How many FEDERATION SCIENTISTS does it take to replace a light bulb?
A. Six: One to fill out the environmental impact statement, One to fill out a cost analysis, one to request the light bulb, one to do a labor study, one to do a post installation followup study, and one to follow up on the follow ups. A robot actually replaces the bulb.
***************
Q. How many WORFs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two: one to point a phaser at it, and the other to be changing it!!!
***************
Q. How many TAMARIANS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Sylvania, when the lamp failed.
***************
Q. How many NANITES does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two: but how did they get in there?
***************
Q. How many FOUNDERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. All of them, but they change it into a human.
***************
Q. How many PAKLEDS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: They need Geordi. Geordi is smart.
A. Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go........
***************
Q. How many VIDIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They don't change it, they just graft on the parts they need from one that still works.
***************
Q. How many V'GER probes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it first has to merge with Thomas Edison.
***************
Q. How many STARFLEET ENGINEERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the decchyon field and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.
***************
Q. How many VOYAGER CREWMEMBERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Wait 'til next week and the bulb won't be burned out any more.
A. Shouldn't they have run out of light bulbs A LONG TIME AGO?!?
A. Slap in a holographic bulb, with its own armstrap to keep it functioning outside a holodeck...
A. Make some new bulbs out of all the shuttle-debris they must have accumulated by now...
***************
Q. How many GENETIC SUPERMEN does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They've been asleep for 200 years -- give 'em a break! They didn't know it was burned out!
***************
Q. How many HOLODECK CHARACTERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They ARE the light bulb. And the coffee table. And the door mat...
A. None: The light bulb can't exist outside the holodeck .
***************
Q. How many STARFLEET ENSIGNS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They can't, they get electrocuted everytime they go near one.
***************
Q. How many DATAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Lightbulb: a device for giving out light. An object emitting photons on command. Invented by Thomas Alva Edison in... Yes, sir!"
A. "As well as the light bulb on the bridge, 33 other light bulbs on decks 5-29 have gone out, and some fluorescent tubes in Ten-Forward are about to blow."
***************
Q. How many RIKERs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "What the hell?"
***************
Q. How many PICARDs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (insert a long pro-lightbulb speech here, involving rights to be changed, etc)
A: (insert a charming story about the early life of Thomas Edison and how his example should be looked upon as inspiration for Starfleet officers.)
***************
Q. How many GEORDIs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "The illumination device requires high frequency replacement but by replacing it with an isolinear multidimensional matrix chip, we can increase the power output by 42%."
A. With Barclay's help, Geordi is able to replicate just enough light bulbs to fill their needs. He also assigns a number of engineers to go throughout the ship and install them.
***************
Q. How many KIRKs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Spock... is... there... any... way... we... can..."
A. "I suppose the situation is critical and the odds are against us?"
A. He gets Scotty to turn the beam up.
***************
Q. How many SPOCKs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Captain, sensor's show that this lightbulb is not operational"
A. "It's light Jim, but not as we know it."
A. One: The needs of the many far outweigh the needs of the few.
A. He can't, but he can make a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bearskins.
****************
Q. How many McCOYs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "It's dead, Jim"
A. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
***************
Q. How many SCOTTYs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "We're running low on dilithium, Captain. I dunno how many more bulbs we can replace"
A. None: He could always switch to auxillary power.
***************
Q. How many CHEKOVs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Light bulbs were inwented by a little old lady in Leningrad."
A. Only after he's found the nuclear wessels!
***************
Q. How many SULUs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Setting course for nearest electrical shop, Captain"
***************
Q. How many UHURAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Should I hail Radio Shack, Captain?"
***************
Q. How many BEVERLEY CRUSHERs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Jean-Luc, there's something I've been meaning to tell you....."
***************
Q. How many O'BRIENs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. O'Brien reports from Engineering that there doesn't seem to be any spare light bulbs available on the station - the Cardassians must have taken every spare with them when they left. Worse yet, they're of some weird proprietary design which uses a 223-pin connector and a volatile form of gas which can't be readily replicated.
***************
Q. How many does it take to screw in a light bulb on DS9?
A. one: Rom.
A. two: Odo and Kira.
A. three: Worf, Jadzia, and Dax.
A. Quark: how many do you want, One strip of Latinum each.
Q. What do you do with an old light bulb?
A. Feed it to a Horta.
***************
Q. How many BORG does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. The whole collective.
A. One: but the whole collective enjoys the experience.
A. Illumination is irrelevant.
A. None: Darkness is irrelevant. Lightbulbs will be obsolete in the new order.
A. Light bulbs are irrelevant. Darkness is irrelevant, Changing them is futile.
A. They don't change the light bulb, they assimilate it . . .
A. Changing the bulb is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.
***************
Q. How many ROMULANS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 151: one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
A. We have been gone for a while, but we have returned to change it.
A. Two: one to do it, and another to kill the first one and take the credit.
A. Three: one to change the bulb and two to guard him so the Federation doesn't steal the secret.
A. Two: One to change the transtator and the other to blow up the ship in disgrace.
***************
Q. How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Approximately 1.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
A. One: Any more would be illogical, Captain.
***************
Q. How many CARDASSIANS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One: but there are *four* lights!
A. Four: because THREE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS...!!!
A. We don't need a light bulb, but if we did, we could take it from you!
A. Just one; however they first have to determine how many light bulbs they see.
A. Four: One to know how to, One to interrogate the one who knows how, One to give the orders, and one to be told to do it.
***************
Q. How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb?
A. He'll sell you a new one... double price (and you'll think it's a bargain!)
A. None of your business, huu-mahn !!!
A. Depends. How much will you pay?
A. Two: one to change it, and the other to sell the old bulb as an antique.
A. Two: one to steal a new one, the other to go sell the broken one.
A. None: they'll just sell the whole lamp to some young Starfleet Ensign.
A. Just one, but he'll charge you double for it.
A. Ferengi Never change!!
A. For the right price, as many as you want.
A. None...they steal it and sell it for profit.
***************
Q. How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb!
***************
Q. How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: they need a Cardassian to figure it out for them.
A. Burned out light bulbs have NO honour. And a true Klingon Warrior is not afraid of the dark!
A. None: Klingons can fight in the dark.
A. "Klingons do NOT change lightbulbs!"
Q. What happened to the KLINGON who did change the light bulb?
A. He was executed for cowardice.
Q. How many KLINGON TERRORISTS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two: One to put it in, and the other to kill the first one. But the first one died honourably
***************
Q. How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Both of them.
***************
Q. How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I sense it has already changed.
A. Well, the bulb has to really want to be changed.
***************
Q. How many TROIs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "I sense a lot of bad humor here"
A. "Captain, I sense - darkness".
***************
Q. How many Q does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Here now, wouldn't you rather have this nice supernova?
A. One: He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
A. Change it into what?
A. "Really, such a trivial task! Here, have a whole bank of fluorescent lights instead!" (snaps fingers)
A. "Changing lightbulbs is boring, I'll set it as a test for Jean-Luc!"
***************
Q. How many ODOs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I will change INTO the light bulb.
A. He found out that it wasn't the lightbulb, but Jake and Nog fooling around.
***************
Q. How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 1,561,772 .......uhh, 73..., ummm, 74..., 75....
A. One: All you have to do is feed it.
***************
Q. How many PROPHETS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Light bulbs are disruptive... intrusive....
***************
Q. How many ORGANIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: they glow in the dark.
A. They ARE the light bulb..
***************
Q. How many WESLEY CRUSHERS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None: He's that good.
A. "I can do that!"
A. Wesley helps by going up on a ladder and cleaning the contact points with a pencil eraser. Unfortunately he slips off the ladder and breaks his leg.
***************
Q. How many STAR FLEET OFFICERs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two: One to change the light bulb, and the other to die shortly after they beam down.
A. None: it would be interfering with the natural development of the light bulb.
***************
Q. How many FEDERATION SCIENTISTS does it take to replace a light bulb?
A. Six: One to fill out the environmental impact statement, One to fill out a cost analysis, one to request the light bulb, one to do a labor study, one to do a post installation followup study, and one to follow up on the follow ups. A robot actually replaces the bulb.
***************
Q. How many WORFs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two: one to point a phaser at it, and the other to be changing it!!!
***************
Q. How many TAMARIANS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Sylvania, when the lamp failed.
***************
Q. How many NANITES does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two: but how did they get in there?
***************
Q. How many FOUNDERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. All of them, but they change it into a human.
***************
Q. How many PAKLEDS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: They need Geordi. Geordi is smart.
A. Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go........
***************
Q. How many VIDIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They don't change it, they just graft on the parts they need from one that still works.
***************
Q. How many V'GER probes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it first has to merge with Thomas Edison.
***************
Q. How many STARFLEET ENGINEERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None: If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the decchyon field and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.
***************
Q. How many VOYAGER CREWMEMBERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Wait 'til next week and the bulb won't be burned out any more.
A. Shouldn't they have run out of light bulbs A LONG TIME AGO?!?
A. Slap in a holographic bulb, with its own armstrap to keep it functioning outside a holodeck...
A. Make some new bulbs out of all the shuttle-debris they must have accumulated by now...
***************
Q. How many GENETIC SUPERMEN does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They've been asleep for 200 years -- give 'em a break! They didn't know it was burned out!
***************
Q. How many HOLODECK CHARACTERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They ARE the light bulb. And the coffee table. And the door mat...
A. None: The light bulb can't exist outside the holodeck .
***************
Q. How many STARFLEET ENSIGNS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They can't, they get electrocuted everytime they go near one.
***************
Q. How many DATAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Lightbulb: a device for giving out light. An object emitting photons on command. Invented by Thomas Alva Edison in... Yes, sir!"
A. "As well as the light bulb on the bridge, 33 other light bulbs on decks 5-29 have gone out, and some fluorescent tubes in Ten-Forward are about to blow."
***************
Q. How many RIKERs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "What the hell?"
***************
Q. How many PICARDs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (insert a long pro-lightbulb speech here, involving rights to be changed, etc)
A: (insert a charming story about the early life of Thomas Edison and how his example should be looked upon as inspiration for Starfleet officers.)
***************
Q. How many GEORDIs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "The illumination device requires high frequency replacement but by replacing it with an isolinear multidimensional matrix chip, we can increase the power output by 42%."
A. With Barclay's help, Geordi is able to replicate just enough light bulbs to fill their needs. He also assigns a number of engineers to go throughout the ship and install them.
***************
Q. How many KIRKs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Spock... is... there... any... way... we... can..."
A. "I suppose the situation is critical and the odds are against us?"
A. He gets Scotty to turn the beam up.
***************
Q. How many SPOCKs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Captain, sensor's show that this lightbulb is not operational"
A. "It's light Jim, but not as we know it."
A. One: The needs of the many far outweigh the needs of the few.
A. He can't, but he can make a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bearskins.
****************
Q. How many McCOYs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "It's dead, Jim"
A. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
***************
Q. How many SCOTTYs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "We're running low on dilithium, Captain. I dunno how many more bulbs we can replace"
A. None: He could always switch to auxillary power.
***************
Q. How many CHEKOVs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Light bulbs were inwented by a little old lady in Leningrad."
A. Only after he's found the nuclear wessels!
***************
Q. How many SULUs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Setting course for nearest electrical shop, Captain"
***************
Q. How many UHURAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Should I hail Radio Shack, Captain?"
***************
Q. How many BEVERLEY CRUSHERs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Jean-Luc, there's something I've been meaning to tell you....."
***************
Q. How many O'BRIENs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. O'Brien reports from Engineering that there doesn't seem to be any spare light bulbs available on the station - the Cardassians must have taken every spare with them when they left. Worse yet, they're of some weird proprietary design which uses a 223-pin connector and a volatile form of gas which can't be readily replicated.
***************
