little star
expert member
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2001
- Messages
- 470
I found this on the internet. It's a Trek-flavored takeoff on the the Baz Luhrmann sunscreen song. It's a couple of years old, but I still got a few laughs out of it...
Captain Jean-Luc Picard's Address to the Graduating Starfleet Academy Class, 1999
By Swapna Krishna
Ladies and gentlemen of the Starfleet Academy graduating class of 1999
Disobey the prime directive
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, disobeying the prime directive would be it. The long-term benefits of disobeying the prime directive have been proven by Starfleet, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your starship. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your starship until it's been pulverized. But trust me, in 20 years, You'll look back at that ship that was always about to fly apart at the seams and recall in ways you cant grasp now how much better the flagship is, and how that ship wasn't that great after all. It's not as bad as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to get useful information out of your ship's counselor. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that assimilate you and use you for information, the kind that carve up your ship's hull and kidnap you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Tug your shirt at least once a day.
Don't sing, or your crew will think you are an imposter.
Don't be reckless with your Security Guards. Don't put up with Security Guards who won't be reckless and die for you.
Drink Tea. Earl Gray. Hot.
Don't waste your time on Q. Sometimes he'll put you in Sherwood forest, sometimes he'll throw you thousands of light years across the galaxy. The trial is long, and in the end, your actions will determine the fate of humanity.
Remember that Data has an emotion chip now. Forget that he still has no grasp of humor. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old flute. Throw away your old saddle. You never know when you'll be stuck in Ten-Forward wishing you had.
Think.
Don't feel guilty if Captain Kirk has to save your butt. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 who would have to save their sorry butt. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Be kind to your heart. You'll miss is when it's gone.
Maybe you'll mind meld with a great ambassador, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll resign from Starfleet for what you believe in, maybe you won't. Maybe Q will steal your girl, maybe your girl from long ago will meet you on the holodeck for one last date. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself to much, or berate yourself either. Your choices could destroy your ship. So could everyone else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it in every way that you can. Don't be afraid when people are cutting you up and putting you back together while you're asleep. It is the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Ride a horse, even if you have nowhere to do it but the Nexus.
Make your engineer read all of the rules, even if he has to break them.
Do not read Moby Dick. Lily will only use the analogy of Captain Ahab against you.
Get to know your nephew. You'll never know when he'll be gone for good. Be nice to your brother. You never know when you two will have a fistfight in the vineyard. Your family are the people who are the best link to your past and the most likely people to stick with you after Wolf 359.
Understand that helmsmen come and go, but you should promote the blind one to Chief Engineer. Work hard to reach out to your Bajoran officer, no matter how much she doesn't belong on your ship, because the more Bajorans on your ship, the more the Cardassians are exposed.
Live on Veridian Four once, but leave before a madman destroys the sun. Live on Risa once, but leave before the time traveling aliens get there.
Accept certain inalienable truths: You can never get rid of Wesley Crusher, your first officer will never take his own command, and The Federation Council is corrupt. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, Wesley Crusher was easy to get rid of, your First Officer accepted his first offer, and the Federation Council was infallible. Unless, of course, you are transformed into a child in a freak shuttle accident. Then you must accept that you will be Wesley Crusher's roommate at the Academy.
Respect Star Wars fans.
Don't expect Gowron to acknowledge you. Maybe he'll rewrite history, maybe he'll steal your Chief of Security. But you never know when the Duras sisters rise and he needs you again.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're a Captain, it will be gone.
Be careful whom you protect, but be patient with those whom are protected by you. Protection is a form of asylum. Handing those protected over to their own people is a way of dragging them out of their quarters, taking them to the brig, and shooting them right there.
But trust me on the prime directive.
little star :star:
Captain Jean-Luc Picard's Address to the Graduating Starfleet Academy Class, 1999
By Swapna Krishna
Ladies and gentlemen of the Starfleet Academy graduating class of 1999
Disobey the prime directive
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, disobeying the prime directive would be it. The long-term benefits of disobeying the prime directive have been proven by Starfleet, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your starship. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your starship until it's been pulverized. But trust me, in 20 years, You'll look back at that ship that was always about to fly apart at the seams and recall in ways you cant grasp now how much better the flagship is, and how that ship wasn't that great after all. It's not as bad as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to get useful information out of your ship's counselor. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that assimilate you and use you for information, the kind that carve up your ship's hull and kidnap you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Tug your shirt at least once a day.
Don't sing, or your crew will think you are an imposter.
Don't be reckless with your Security Guards. Don't put up with Security Guards who won't be reckless and die for you.
Drink Tea. Earl Gray. Hot.
Don't waste your time on Q. Sometimes he'll put you in Sherwood forest, sometimes he'll throw you thousands of light years across the galaxy. The trial is long, and in the end, your actions will determine the fate of humanity.
Remember that Data has an emotion chip now. Forget that he still has no grasp of humor. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old flute. Throw away your old saddle. You never know when you'll be stuck in Ten-Forward wishing you had.
Think.
Don't feel guilty if Captain Kirk has to save your butt. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 who would have to save their sorry butt. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Be kind to your heart. You'll miss is when it's gone.
Maybe you'll mind meld with a great ambassador, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll resign from Starfleet for what you believe in, maybe you won't. Maybe Q will steal your girl, maybe your girl from long ago will meet you on the holodeck for one last date. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself to much, or berate yourself either. Your choices could destroy your ship. So could everyone else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it in every way that you can. Don't be afraid when people are cutting you up and putting you back together while you're asleep. It is the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Ride a horse, even if you have nowhere to do it but the Nexus.
Make your engineer read all of the rules, even if he has to break them.
Do not read Moby Dick. Lily will only use the analogy of Captain Ahab against you.
Get to know your nephew. You'll never know when he'll be gone for good. Be nice to your brother. You never know when you two will have a fistfight in the vineyard. Your family are the people who are the best link to your past and the most likely people to stick with you after Wolf 359.
Understand that helmsmen come and go, but you should promote the blind one to Chief Engineer. Work hard to reach out to your Bajoran officer, no matter how much she doesn't belong on your ship, because the more Bajorans on your ship, the more the Cardassians are exposed.
Live on Veridian Four once, but leave before a madman destroys the sun. Live on Risa once, but leave before the time traveling aliens get there.
Accept certain inalienable truths: You can never get rid of Wesley Crusher, your first officer will never take his own command, and The Federation Council is corrupt. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, Wesley Crusher was easy to get rid of, your First Officer accepted his first offer, and the Federation Council was infallible. Unless, of course, you are transformed into a child in a freak shuttle accident. Then you must accept that you will be Wesley Crusher's roommate at the Academy.
Respect Star Wars fans.
Don't expect Gowron to acknowledge you. Maybe he'll rewrite history, maybe he'll steal your Chief of Security. But you never know when the Duras sisters rise and he needs you again.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're a Captain, it will be gone.
Be careful whom you protect, but be patient with those whom are protected by you. Protection is a form of asylum. Handing those protected over to their own people is a way of dragging them out of their quarters, taking them to the brig, and shooting them right there.
But trust me on the prime directive.
little star :star:
