SDNess
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2004
- Messages
- 233
In creative writing, we were also asked to do a piece, in which the narrator has a false sense of narration. In other words, the reader knows more about the situation than the character and if the character is true/false in what he/she says. The character I have developed below is somewhat similiar to Holden Caufield in 'A Catcher in the Rye' and another character from a short story called 'A&P'. My teacher's comments from the first draft, "There is a distinct and convincing voice in places. In other, you have too much summary. Tell the events as your narrator sees them, which isn't necessarily the way most of the world would. Maintain energy in the writing." So, if you could help me improve these piece and point out some of the things he stated, that would be great.
Minor Calamities
I’ve always experienced the worst thins in the world. Really, I have. It always seems that there is some almighty force – some god like Zeus or Odin – that controls my life, the universe, and everything; always having a negative outcome – for me.
So sometime last week I was at the beach with some friends. These really attractive girls walked into the deli wearing bathing suits. Now, it isn’t uncommon for people to wear their summer attire – during an extremely hot summer I might add – but when I saw them, I just lost all focus. I’ve been working at the deli for about six months – I’m the cashier. My mom said I had to get a job. It’s not like we need the money or anything. I really don’t know why I had to get the job. Oh well, so it goes; at least I’m having some fun.
Anyway, the girls walk in – there were two of them – one had solid brown hair and the other had black. They walked through some of the aisles as they looked for different things to buy. I watched as they progressed through each aisle. Many moments later, they started walking towards the exit – I guess they couldn’t find what they work looking for. As they were about to leave, however, the one with brown hair looked up at me and winked. Oh, man, did that make me feel good. I looked into her eyes, but turned away quickly as I was blushing. I have a really bad habit of blushing in situations I’m uneasy in. It’s annoying. To avoid and purge their presence from my mind, I started looking at the cashier buttons and wiped some of the dust off of the keys. There was a pen above a set of the keys so I picked it up, but right as my hands grasped it, the thing slipped out of my hands and hit the floor. Bah! Now I was blushing even more. I bent down to pick up the pen and successfully grasped it this time; placing it on the counter with a hard slam. I looked up. They were gone. Damn. Why did I have to be so bashful all the time? Couldn’t I just have some good luck for once?
Finally, after a lot of thinking, I decided that I was going to take a stand. After my shift was over I would go over and talk to them. They’d be somewhere on the beach. I’d fine them. Heck, it would be hard, but I’d do it.
Many hours later, I said bye to my boss, Mr. Rany and went home. Once I was home, I went upstairs to change into some beach wear – a bathing suit with a Hawaiian type design on it, sandals, a tank top, and sun glasses that looked like Neo’s from The Matrix. I had not been known to wear tank tops, but I had been lifting a lot all year – I was hoping the results would show. I jumped down the stairs enthusiastically and ran over to the phone; dialing up some of my buddies to see if they wanted to go to the beach.
Minor Calamities
I’ve always experienced the worst thins in the world. Really, I have. It always seems that there is some almighty force – some god like Zeus or Odin – that controls my life, the universe, and everything; always having a negative outcome – for me.
So sometime last week I was at the beach with some friends. These really attractive girls walked into the deli wearing bathing suits. Now, it isn’t uncommon for people to wear their summer attire – during an extremely hot summer I might add – but when I saw them, I just lost all focus. I’ve been working at the deli for about six months – I’m the cashier. My mom said I had to get a job. It’s not like we need the money or anything. I really don’t know why I had to get the job. Oh well, so it goes; at least I’m having some fun.
Anyway, the girls walk in – there were two of them – one had solid brown hair and the other had black. They walked through some of the aisles as they looked for different things to buy. I watched as they progressed through each aisle. Many moments later, they started walking towards the exit – I guess they couldn’t find what they work looking for. As they were about to leave, however, the one with brown hair looked up at me and winked. Oh, man, did that make me feel good. I looked into her eyes, but turned away quickly as I was blushing. I have a really bad habit of blushing in situations I’m uneasy in. It’s annoying. To avoid and purge their presence from my mind, I started looking at the cashier buttons and wiped some of the dust off of the keys. There was a pen above a set of the keys so I picked it up, but right as my hands grasped it, the thing slipped out of my hands and hit the floor. Bah! Now I was blushing even more. I bent down to pick up the pen and successfully grasped it this time; placing it on the counter with a hard slam. I looked up. They were gone. Damn. Why did I have to be so bashful all the time? Couldn’t I just have some good luck for once?
Finally, after a lot of thinking, I decided that I was going to take a stand. After my shift was over I would go over and talk to them. They’d be somewhere on the beach. I’d fine them. Heck, it would be hard, but I’d do it.
Many hours later, I said bye to my boss, Mr. Rany and went home. Once I was home, I went upstairs to change into some beach wear – a bathing suit with a Hawaiian type design on it, sandals, a tank top, and sun glasses that looked like Neo’s from The Matrix. I had not been known to wear tank tops, but I had been lifting a lot all year – I was hoping the results would show. I jumped down the stairs enthusiastically and ran over to the phone; dialing up some of my buddies to see if they wanted to go to the beach.
