Lord of the Limericks

[Dan Jones]

Inside the Houses of Healing
Faramir met someone appealing.
She fancied Aragorn
But he liked Elf-born
And Faramir ended up kneeling.

 

[bedlamite]

There once was a magical ring,
Which though pretty, was an ill omened thing;
It was sought by a fell wizard,
Who would spill guts and gizzards,
For the strong binding power it would bring.

 

[Boaz]

This one was told to me by Gandalf...

While walking through the Shire,
A pipe-weed field caught fire,
With no water in sight,
Peeing with all my might,
I turned it into a mire.

 

[Boaz]

Old Gimli sent a dog dare,
To go, with Pip, to the fair.
I'll make this brief,
He smoked some leaf,
And completely refused to share.

 

[Dan Jones]

There's a bloke called Tom Bombadil
Who was utterly pointless, but still,
The fans got upset
When he weren't on the set
For Pete Jackson's trilogy's thrills...

 

[Boaz]

There was an orc that none lamented.
His place in history is cemented.
Up rode the Bullroarer,
To the villain's great horror,
And golf was suddenly invented.

 

[LordOfWizards]

~Spoiler Alert~

There was a wee critter named Gollum
Near naked and ne'er but solemn,
Two Hobbits he friended,
but his ambition was ended
When in the melt of Mount Doom he had fallen

 

[farntfar]

The race with worst manners is orcses
They won't use their kniveses and forkses
They slouch in their caveys (sorry)
to lick up their gravies
and with mouths brimming full they still talkses.

 

[Graymalkin]

A victim awoke in the barrow
Where the wights gnaw right through yer marrow
He used an old blade
That was elvishly made
Escaping the worms and the harrow

 

[Graymalkin]

Now learn of the Nazgul in Bree.
At Barliman's Prancing Pony
If you're warm by the fire
I'll tell what transpired
A pint? Ah go on then - thank ee.

If you're settled I'll get to the gristle
but 'scuse while I first wet this whistle
It's been a tenday
Since I last passed this way
and I think I have swallowed a thistle

Now where did I put my old pipe?
And that twist of Longbottom just ripe
I'll get to the tellin'
Once the weed I am smellin'
Bear with now dear listener - don't gripe!

Oh I had it just here on the table
Or was it left back in the stable?
You'll know if you spy it
But please don't go try it
The strength of that stuff is nigh fable.

You've 'eard of them fiery dragons
what burns up fine horses and wagons
Their smoke don't compare
to this Longbottom fare
Ah ... tis ere, now where be that flaggon?

Tis rumoured that wizard in grey
smoked the best gear, but they say
a reliable source
saw him fall from his horse
from puffing Longbottom all day

Now the dwarves mine gold just to buy
The Entwives came north for to try
The darklord himself
has a pouch on the shelf
Which explains how he got that red eye

Elves are too noble to stoke it
Your Uruk's too angry to toke it
Snowberry frowns
at the burnt eiderdown
so she bade Bombadil not to smoke it

Right folks - so as I was sayin
Twas this very Inn where you're stayin,
where our story unfolds
how the Nazgul right bold,
rode into the town to be slayin.

But hark to this final confessin'.
If you think that I just bin digressin'
I'll make it right brief
It were Longbottom leaf
not the ringbearer they was hard pressin'.

Aye - cough, hack wheeze. I'll 'ave one more.

 

[Boaz]

This limerick I'll leave you to ponder,
It's about the great Horn of Gondor.
Boromir would show it,
Then Pippin would blow it,
Whilst the Fellowship listened in wonder.

 

[Boaz]

There was an old elf called Elrond,
Of the hobbit, Bilbo, he was fond.
Bilbo sang carols,
of riding on barrels,
while drowning Dwarves in a pond.

 

[Boaz]

Frodo and Sam stopped at the border
And list to Faramir's order,
"Beware Cirith Ungol,
Gollum's a carbuncle,
And have a nice trip to Mordor!"

 

[Boaz]

There once was a hobbit named Pippin,
Who decided to go skinny-dippin',
He got into the water
with Farmer Maggot's daughter
on whose mushrooms he kept trippin'.

 

[Boaz]

Thus spake the braggart named Gimli,
"Elves are not better than we.
Forty-one orcs did I hew,
Then Leggy claimed forty-two,
I had no choice but to say, forty-three!"

 

[Boaz]

Tolkien actually wrote the first two lines...

Gil-galad was and Elven-king
Of him the harpers sadly sing
Holding high his spear
It did not appear
He knew the power of the One Ring.

 

[Boaz]

The One Ring... was fished up by Deagol
Who promptly lost it to Smeagol.
It chose Bilbo, then Frodo
Who took it to Modo....
And came back via an Eagle.

 

[Boaz]

"Hobbiton's become a cesspit!
Sharkey never gave us respite.
And so in summary,
Sam wears ironmongery."
Cried the Gaffer, "What's come of his weskit?"

 

[Boaz]

Pip took a trip to Dol Amroth
'cuz he liked chicks dressed in Glam/Goth
He found his ideal
Lost it's appeal
When all the girls smelled just like clam broth.

 

[Boaz]

Frodo met Barliman Butterbur
Who was something of a stutterer.
"He..here's your b..b..bill
Ma... Master Un... Underhill.
That St... Strider, he's a sub... subverter."