Here we go gang. From #1.10 "Objects in Space" :
SHEPHERD: Some orders allow Shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
JAYNE: But I mean, you still got the urge. They don't cut it off or nothing.
SHEPHERD: No, I'm more or less intact. I just direct my energy elsewhere.
JAYNE: You mean like masturbating?
SHEPHERD: I hope you're not thinking of taking Orders yourself.
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JAYNE: St. Jayne, it's got a ring to it.
SHEPHERD: I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.
JAYNE: I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope, don't that count upstairs?
SHEPHERD: Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.
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[After a psychic episode, River finds herself on the cargo deck with a nasty-looking pistol in her hand. Mal takes it away.]
MAL [to Simon]: Fully loaded, safety off - This here is a recipe for unpleasantness. Does she understand that?
RIVER: She understands; She doesn't comprehend.
MAL: Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction.
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MAL: We're deep in space, the corner of No and Where.
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ZOË: Where's River now?
MAL: In her room - which I'm thinking, bolt from the outside from now on.
WASH: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
JAYNE: Anyone remember her coming after me with a butcher's knife?
WASH [reminiscing fondly]: Wacky fun.
JAYNE: You wanna go little man?
WASH: Only if it's some place with candlelight.
ZOË: Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
JAYNE: Butcher's knife!
ZOË: Anyone we can't spare...
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SIMON: What's this got to do with River, she wasn't even in that fight?
KAYLEE: Well, no, she was. I got pinned down and there were three guys and I couldn't....... And then River comes up, she looks out, sees 'em all... And they was spread out, you know, had some cover. But she - she only looked for a second and... took my gun, closed her eyes, killed 'em.
SIMON: She shot them?
KAYLEE: All three, dead, in an instant - with her eyes still closed.
JAYNE: Wow, that's {space talk for a bunch of bull}. You saw it wrong.
KAYLEE: Not a jot. And it weren't autofire or luck, she just... she just did the math.
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SIMON: She probably didn't even know what was going on, you know, thought it was a game.
JAYNE: Later on you can explain to me how that's a comfort.
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MAL: Girl knows things... things she shouldn't, things she couldn't.
JAYNE: What? Are you saying she's a Witch?
WASH: Yes, Jayne, she's a Witch. She has had congress with The Beast.
JAYNE: She's in Congress?
WASH: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious?
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WASH: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
ZOË: You live in a space ship, dear.
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JAYNE: Well, I don't like the idea of someone hearing what I'm thinking.
INARA: No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking.
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JAYNE: If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak.
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BOUNTY HUNTER EARLY: Where's your sister?
SIMON: Are you Alliance?
EARLY: Am I a lion?
SIMON: What?
EARLY: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well though; I have a mighty roar.
SIMON: I said Alliance.
EARLY: Oh, I thought...
SIMON: No, I was...
EARLY: That's weird.
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EARLY: This is her room.
SIMON: Yes.
EARLY: It's empty.
SIMON: I know.
EARLY: So, is it still her room when it's empty? Does the room - the thing - have purpose? Or do we... what's the word?
SIMON: I really can't help you.
EARLY: The plan is to take your sister, get the reward, which is substantial. Imbue... that's the word.
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EARLY: The plan is not to shoot you. The plan is to get the girl. If there's no girl, then the plan, well... is like the room.
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SIMON: I don't think my last act in this 'verse is going to be betraying my sister.
EARLY: You're going to help me. Because every second you're with me is a chance to turn the tables... Get the better of me. Maybe you'll find your moment. Maybe I'll slip. Or, you refuse to help me, I shoot your brain out and I go upstairs and spend some time violating the little mechanic I've got trussed up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought, but she will die, weeping, if you cross me.
SIMON: You're out of your mind.
EARLY: That's between me and my mind.
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SIMON: And which part of your plan dictated the necessity of beating up a Shepherd?
EARLY: That ain't a Shepherd.
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EARLY: You ever been shot?
SIMON: No.
EARLY: You oughta be shot or stabbed, lose a leg... to be a surgeon, you know. Know what kinda pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?
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EARLY: Man is stronger by far than woman, yet only woman can create a child. Does that seem right to you?
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EARLY: All right, that's all the hide-and-seek I've got time for. [yelling] I know you're on this ship, little girl, so here's how this goes. You show yourself, we finish this exchange, or your brother's brains'll be flying every which-a-way. [To Simon] You understand, I'm sorta on the clock here, it's frustrating.
INTERCOM: You're wrong, Early.
EARLY: I'm not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don't...
INTERCOM: Wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself leave, so she melted - melted away. He didn’t know she could do that, but she did.
EARLY: I'm not sure I take your meaning there.
INTERCOM: I'm not on the ship, I'm in the ship... I am the ship.
SIMON: River...
INTERCOM: River's gone.
EARLY: Than who exactly are we talking to?
INTERCOM: You're talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy.
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EARLY: Where'd she go?
SIMON: I can't keep track of her, when she's not incorporeally possessing a space ship, don't look at me.
EARLY: That's some nonsensical cr*p, ain't nobody can do that. [yelling] You're somewhere on this boat. Somewhere with a 'com, playing games.
INTERCOM: [girlish giggling]
EARLY: That's somewhat unsettling.
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EARLY: I only hurt people 'cause they keep getting in the way of me finding you. [To Simon] Tell her.
SIMON: What am I, your advocate?
EARLY [pointing pistol]: You are starting now.
SIMON: He's really very... gentle and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends.
INTERCOM: [giggling]
EARLY: You folks are all insane.
SIMON: Well, my sister's a ship... We had a complicated childhood.
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EARLY: Does anyone care that I have a finely crafted gun pointing at this boy's head?
INTERCOM: I care.
EARLY: Then you gonna come out and stop me from doing what I don't want to. You gonna be smart here, River?... River?... Serenity?
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MAL: How come there's a guy onboard and how come you're all-a the sudden the ship?
INTERCOM: I know you have questions.
MAL: That would be why I just asked them.
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MAL: Am I dreaming?
INTERCOM: We all are.
[Mal rolls his eyes.]
INTERCOM: Don't make faces.
[Mal looks around suspiciously.]
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EARLY: You know with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?
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INTERCOM: You're not welcome here anymore, Early.
EARLY: You think I'm gonna leave here empty-handed?
INTERCOM: I know it.
EARLY [sarcastic]: Yeah, well, you know me very well.
INTERCOM: Wish I didn't. You like to hurt folk.
EARLY: It's part of the job.
INTERCOM: It's why you took the job. Power, control, pain - Your mother knew. Sadness in her when she waved goodbye. She's relieved. Saw a darkness in you. You're not well.
EARLY: You'd be wanting to shut up now.
INTERCOM: Big golden retriever sitting on the lawn. Never took to you. Smell on you. The Neighbor's pet - you did things to him, cleaned up after. Shined and polished. Everything in here gleams.
EARLY: I'll be a son of whore. You're not in my god'mn mind. You're on my god'mn ship!
RIVER: [giggling] It's very interesting, all these buttons.
EARLY [worried]: Okay, we're not touching those. Okay?
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RIVER: You're not right, Early. You're not righteous. You've got issues.
EARLY [still worried]: No. Well, yes. I could have that. You might have me figured out then. Good job. I'm not a hundred percent.
RIVER: You talk too much.
EARLY: I'm flawed in that way. I sometimes go on. It's been said...
RIVER: It's okay, Early... I'm going with you.
SIMON: River, what are you...
EARLY: Don't belong. Dangerous, like you. Can't be controlled. Can't be trusted. Everyone can just go without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be... could be with the people they wanted... could live simple. No secrets.
SIMON: No.
RIVER: I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubal Early. And I'll just fade away.
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EARLY [in a space suit on the hull approaching his ship]: Made the right move, darlin'. Best for you to go on with ol' Early.
MAL [from behind Early]: Think so? Some of us feel differently.
[Mal pushes Early off the ship and he floats into deep space.]
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RIVER [joins Mal on the hull]: Permission to come aboard?
MAL: You know, you ain't quite right.
RIVER: It's the popular theory.
MAL: Go on, get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan.
RIVER: He takes so much looking after.
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ZOË [removing bullet from Simon's leg, under his direction]: This is really not my area of expertise, Doctor. I tend to be putting these into people, more than the other thing.
WASH [to ZOË]: Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fierce-some brow mopping.
SIMON: You got the bullet. Okay, I'm just going to pass out for a minute, but you're doing great.
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EARLY [floating head-over-heels in deep space]: Well, here I am.
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