A problematic paragraph

[Lacedaemonian]

I am having some serious problems with this paragraph, any help may be appreciated:

Grass and soil bleached dirty red but not a trace of corpse. There in the weed and pebble sat a painted blue teething peg, indentations where new teeth had pressed for comfort. A look passed tween old washed up smuggler and the young constable. A foulness had grown fouler and a mystery yet gravely more mysterious. Unspoken both men fanned out a perimeter. Nothing. The smuggler must have interrupted clean up. Human faeces liquored the air gibbet-hanging thoughts and emotional senses. It was too much for the smuggler who vomited stale ale, spinach and surprisingly carrots onto the muck. The Constable sharp followed suit, vomiting oats and milk all down the front of his tunic.
The two looked at each other. Danae’s head swam. Three strands of a smuggler clan erased from all life time and place. Why? No possible motive. Any enemies? No. Danae span, looking, looking, looking, nothing. Why? Why?

 

[Mark Robson]

I am having some serious problems with this paragraph, any help may be appreciated:

Grass and soil bleached dirty red but there was no trace of any corpse. There in the weed and pebbles sat a painted blue teething peg, indentations clearly visible where new teeth had pressed for comfort. A look passed 'tween old washed-up smuggler and the young constable. A foulness had grown more foul and a mystery yet more mysterious. Unspoken the two men split and made a sequential search out to a sensible perimeter. Nothing. The smuggler must have interrupted the clean up. Human faeces liquored the air with gibbet-hanging thoughts and a vestigal sense of strong emotion. It was too much for the smuggler. He vomited stale ale, spinach and, to his surprise, carrots onto the muck. The sound and smell triggered the Constable to follow suit. Seconds later, oats and milk were spattered down the front of his tunic.
The two looked at each other. Danae’s head swam. Three strands of a smuggler clan erased. Why? No motive. Enemies? No. Danae spun around, looking, looking, looking... nothing! Why? Why?

Couldn't highlight the edits I'm afraid - not computer literate enough. However, this reads a little smoother to me. What do you think?

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Fantastic mate! Thanks. There are a few lines of your edit I am not too comfortable with, but on the whole very helpful. Sometimes it is quite difficult to organise your thoughts and a friendly guide is always welcome.

 

[Kraken]

Mark has beaten me to several points

It isn't clear whether Danae is one of the two men already mentioned in the paragraph. I'd guess so from context, but it isn't clear in the writing.


I can tell what you mean, but there's something odd about the grammar here:

Unspoken both men fanned out a perimeter

"By unspoken agreement", perhaps? I don't know.
Sorry, not much help.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Sorry Danae is the young constable. The smuggler is called Buttrick. This is already known to the reader by this point, and indeed is already covered in earlier posts. Hopefully this will help.

 

[Kraken]

This is already known to the reader by this point, and indeed is already covered in earlier posts.

Ooops, better go and do my homework properly. Haven't read far enough back through the forum yet - I'll do it, promise!

A deft grasp of show-don't-tell, and I'm curious about what happens next!

 

[Mark Robson]

Unspoken both men fanned out a perimeter.

I think what jarred for Kraken was the fact that it is impossible for one man to fan out - and just as impossible for two men to do so. It would take several to fan out.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I did say that I was having problems

 

[Lacedaemonian]

What do you think of this paragraph? I am considering giving it the big chop.

 

[Mark Robson]

That's really difficult to answer, as I'm not sure exactly what comes before or after. Overall, I think the paragraph has motion, emotion and raises questions in the reader's mind. These are all positive elements in a story. If I'm unsure of a paragraph, I tend to ask the question 'did it move the story forward?' In this case I would have to conclude that it did, so the elements involved in it need to be covered. However, as the old saying goes - there's a hundred and one ways to skin a cat... so if you're really not happy with it, then it might be better to explore other ways of conveying the same information.

If it helps at all, I quite like it. However, it does need some editing from its original form.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I will have to build on this chapter and see how it feels. Thanks for the feedback though.