Battleship Of Fools
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- Aug 26, 2006
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Below is the first chapter of my novel, "Battleship of Fools". For more sample chapters, please, visit my website.
I would greatly appreciate your honest opinion.
I would greatly appreciate your honest opinion.
NEW YORK CITY, OCTOBER 7, 2063. My phone rang at the exact moment of lovemaking, when I would rather die than stop. After the mandatory beeps, my answer machine proclaimed, “You reached the right number at the wrong time. Please leave your message, and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
“I don’t want you to call me back as soon as you can, Joseph. PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW! This is Doctor Lieberman, and I have no time for your extraterrestrial activities!”
Go to hell, I thought and squeezed Gisela’s tush. She cried gratefully.
“Hey, Joseph, you should be more careful with the lady our mutual friend Albert made literally out of his rib!” continued the Doctor.
What the hell is going on? I thought and abruptly stopped. Gisela took a deep breath and caressed my back, “Please, please don’t stop, my Lieber Hertz.”
Who said that only women love with their ears? Nothing on earth is more sexually stimulating than Gisela’s Lieber Hertz spoken in a purebred Bavarian dialect. I don’t know if this was her natural habit or the feature added during Gisela’s countless genetic modifications. But I do know that her celebrity husband Albert definitely deserved another Nobel Prize for making Gisela smell like a wild strawberry when she sweated.
“With all due respect, my dear lady, the only Lieber here is I, Doctor Lieberman,” announced the voice still on the phone. “Well, Joseph. If you aren’t in a mood for talking, there is nothing I can do, except keep the 25 million bucks for myself.” The Doctor hung up.
What the hell is going on? I thought, What millions?
I heard Gisela’s voice command, “Don’t stop, Joseph, please, please! Two weeks without sex is such a long time.”
“What are you talking about, Gis? We just made love the other day, before we went to my mother’s anniversary!”
“Whatever you say, dear, just don’t stop, please. Oh, Mein Gott...”
“So, where do you think I was for the last two weeks?”
“Joseph, dear, it’s not the right time to talk. Please. Oh, o-o-o.”
“But I really want to know!”
“OK, just don’t stop, please. You were in Beijing, China. Oh, o-o-o. I met you at the airport just an hour ago.”
“But that’s impossible!”
“Ladies are always right, Joseph,” the Doctor’s voice suddenly spoke in my head. “I told Gisela’s husband Albert a thousand times to get rid of this bitch, but the poor man was stubborn like an ox!”
After that remark I really did stop and gasp for a fresh air. Gisela pulled away, her wide-open eyes lit with a bright yellow light borrowed from the early pictures of UFOs, the normal reaction of a lady whose boyfriendsuddenly refuses to carry on his Lieber Hertz duties.
“Well, Joseph,” the Doctor’s voice continued inside my head, “we both know now that having a chat on a phone is a pure formality. Who needs a phone anyway? Real men talk face to face, mano a mano, don’t they?”
“Is this what you call face to face, Doctor? Mano a mano?”
“Good Lord, you have such a lovely voice, Joseph!”
“Of course, I do,” I continued in the same lovely voice, “And what did you expect from me? A heart attack?”
“Although it would have saved me a fortune, I’m glad you didn’t have one.”
What fortune? I thought to myself. The 25 mills he just spoke about?
“Bravo, Joseph, bravo. Do you realize that that was the first meaningful thought you’ve had so far?”
“Wait a minute, Doctor. Can you hear my thoughts too?”
“What do you think, Joseph?”
I looked at Gisela hiding under the sheet up to her huge blue eyes, and my stomach told me that it wasn’t a joke. Everything was happening for real. I spent two weeks in China, and now I was talking in my head to the famous criminal, Doctor Lieberman, who had all secret services of the world chasing him for the last 30 years.
“It is for real, Joseph,” insisted Doctor Lieberman’s voice in my head. “Oh, don’t be afraid. I wouldn’t bite, just a little piece of your cute little earlobe. Don’t you love when Gisela does it to you? It hurts a bit, but then you feel like a sexual giant. Did you know that this is her natural habit and not a result of genetic modifications?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“We called Gisela Galatea of Empire Genetics because her husband Albert was nuts about perfecting her. He made Gisela so beautiful that all other girls exploded from jealousy when they saw her.”
“Did you call Albert Pygmalion?”
“No, he was too famous for that. Counting his scientific awards was and still is the surest way for me to fall asleep.”
“And what do you do when the list of Albert’s awards comes to an end?”
“Then I start counting mine.”
“Did you ever try to count Gisela’s genetic modifications?”
Hearing her name, Gisela asked, “Are you talking about me?”
I caressed her marble-like thigh, “Be quiet, dear. The Doctor and I are having a little chitchat right now.”
“You should learn to speak to me in your head only, Joseph,” continued Doctor Lieberman in my brain. “Otherwise people will think of you as one of those crazies who talk to themselves on the streets.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
“Don’t mention it, Joseph. By the way, would you like to continue our little conversation tomorrow?”
“It would be my pleasure, Sir. Could you give me at least some indication of what this is all about?”
“Bravo, Joseph, bravo. You’ve just learned that the king of all criminals and the incarnation of evil himself can read your thoughts. And all you are interested in is an indication of what this is all about. I’m so proud of you. The years on Wall Street weren’t wasted for nothing! You are courting me as if I am a potential client of yours. I could almost hear you saying, ‘Pleased to meet you, Sir.’ Just don’t forget to take your condom off when talking to such a valuable client as myself!”
“With your permission, Sir, I’ll take my condom off after I am finished with its primary utilization!”
“That’s my boy! I’ll be expecting you tomorrow at 11 am sharp.” He gave me the address in Tribeca and then said, “Sorry, I have to run. Good day, Joseph. Say Hi to Gisela and her dearest husband for me.” Doctor Lieberman’s voice in my head then went dead.
“Husband? Gisela, what husband is he talking about?”
“I don’t know, my Lieber Hertz,” she replied with a heavier German accent than usual. “The only husband I’ve ever had, Albert, died seven years ago in the airplane crash!”
“Just calm down and let me hug you.” The Lieber Hertz worked again like a charm.
“Joseph, what are you doing? He is watching us!”
“I don’t give a damn!” I squeezed her buttocks with both hands. Gisela didn’t respond at first, but then closed her eyes and burst into a salty cry, “Was it really him?”
“I’ll figure it out tomorrow.”
“Oh, Mein Gott, what is going to happen to us?”
“I don’t know, dear.” I suddenly realized my hands were shaking. The adrenaline rush that often allows soldiers to fight despite the terrible wounds they endure had suddenly come to an end. It hadn’t been a dream. Doctor Lieberman, or someone else posing as him, was able to read my thoughts.
Gisela covered me with an extra blanket, but my body kept shaking in the psychotic ritual my entire family is so famous for. I put a thick sweater on, but it didn’t help. I felt the ceiling falling on my temples. The midnight stars were pinching my forehead, their sharp yellow rays squeezing through the windows of my Upper West Side apartment.
I got up and walked around thinking, Why did the Doctor ask me to say hi to Albert? If Gisela’s husband is still alive, then she probably sleeps with him and me at the same time. Or maybe they broke up already? No, that would have been too soon after seven long years of separation. Gisela probably keeps me as a plan B. God, please, tell me what to do!
He probably heard my call. When my shaking subsided, I went to bed, and Gisela’s faultless body did its magic. I found her face in the darkness and felt a tear on my tongue. Was it for me, or for Albert, or for her lies? We started making love again and swam in a warm river until its waves tenderly brought us ashore. A few minutes later we were lying side by side lightly caressing each other’s feet. We didn’t talk. We always have a lot to say before sex but very little after.
