Dantes Secret

[Redhawk]

Well...I think I need an overall opinion. I'm trying to paint a picture, of course, but fear being too wordy. Grammer and punctuation...always a concern...since this is the start of it...would you any any interest in finding out more? It is moving along at all?

Prelude
That which was then…..

I knew not what was more blinding, the wind, that whiped my eyes into tears, the rain, beating down in sheets that plastered my horse’s mane to his neck, the lightening, flickering like a million candles in the darkness, or the darkness that blanketed us as we race away from home.

I needed a dark night, one in which I could hide within, a night with no brilliant moon dancing on the water of the mote. A cold night, in which no servants would stray to keep a lovers trust and seeing me move in secret amidst the shadows of the moon, and feel compelled to give word to my father, mother or my maid.

My fear now was for Nannine, my maid, for it was she who aided me in my escape. My dearest friend and confident of old, Nannine understood my longing and my dreams, for had she not held me nights without end and listened to my heart’s true confessions as I had hers?

My lady mother now, then and always was my father’s closest and dearest alley. No more would she have given heed or thought to my counsel than she would one of the wolfhounds that lay nightly at the fireside between her chair and papa’s. In truth, I believe she would have given more thought to the dog’s musings. After all, if they sounded a warning, who would not listen?

I had no other clear choice but to make good my escape. While it is true I was often a willful child and could at times be perhaps considered strongly viewed, I was for the most part an obedient daughter. I learned to be a lady in keeping with my family name and responsibilities. I learned to sew, to prevail against the lazy or dim witted of our servants.

In time and truth I learned to dance, not only as befits a lady upon the dance floor, but also some of that dance with which a lady learns to hold court. My parents did their duty by me, I assure you; and it was not with malice that I have committed such disobedience as this against my father’s wishes.

 

[Ash]

I'd read more.

I like the style and pace in general. I think it succeeds in setting the scene and you learn a lot about the narrator and their personality in a short space of time. I don't think it's too wordy at all.

A couple of places it lacked a little clarity. I have no idea what this "compelled to give word to my father, mother or my maid" means for example!

The use of paragraphs is a little odd (probably a bit too frequent). The final paragraph, for example directly, follows the preceding one. The break between them makes no sense to me. It's a break right in the middle of a single train of thought.

Some, like the paragraph about "Nannine" seem a little brief and isolated to be of any significance. The paragraphs kind of go:

I'm running away
I'm running away
I'm scared for Nannine
I'm running away
I'm running away
I'm running away

It would feel a lot more cohesive, to me without that, if it is important of significant. It strikes me as something that they might think about once they'd reached "safety".

And just a couple of little ones:

lover's trust
moat not mote

 

[Redhawk]

Thank you very much...it's all the little things I either don't know, poorly proof, or bugger myself into a froth over when I could have relaxed and let them be in the first place...very helpful and appreciated remarks!

I'd read more.

I like the style and pace in general. I think it succeeds in setting the scene and you learn a lot about the narrator and their personality in a short space of time. I don't think it's too wordy at all.

A couple of places it lacked a little clarity. I have no idea what this "compelled to give word to my father, mother or my maid" means for example!

The use of paragraphs is a little odd (probably a bit too frequent). The final paragraph, for example directly, follows the preceding one. The break between them makes no sense to me. It's a break right in the middle of a single train of thought.

Some, like the paragraph about "Nannine" seem a little brief and isolated to be of any significance. The paragraphs kind of go:

I'm running away
I'm running away
I'm scared for Nannine
I'm running away
I'm running away
I'm running away

It would feel a lot more cohesive, to me without that, if it is important of significant. It strikes me as something that they might think about once they'd reached "safety".

And just a couple of little ones:

lover's trust
moat not mote

 

[chrispenycate]

Well...I think I need an overall opinion. I'm trying to paint a picture, of course, but fear being too wordy. Grammer and punctuation...always a concern...since this is the start of it...would you any any interest in finding out more? It is moving along at all?

Prelude
That which was then…..

I knew not what

possibly "which"?

was more blinding, the wind, that whiped

whipped

my eyes into tears, the rain, beating down in sheets that plastered my horse’s mane to his neck, the lightening,

lightning

flickering like a million candles in the darkness, or the darkness

two "darknesses" in quick succession. If you really need to accentuate it, perhaps "or the darkness itself"?

that blanketed us as we race

the rest of the sentence is past tense, so "raced"

away from home.

I needed a dark night, one in

no "in" if you want to finish with "within"

which I could hide within, a night with no brilliant moon dancing on the water of the mote.

moat

A cold night, in which no servants would stray to keep a lovers trust

lover's tryst?

and

comma

seeing me move in secret amidst the shadows of the moon, and

no "and" (lready exists before subordinate clause)

feel compelled to give word to my father, mother or my maid.

My fear now was for Nannine, my maid, for it was she who

had (I think)

aided me in my escape. My dearest friend and confident of old, Nannine understood my longing and my dreams, for had she not held me nights without end and listened to my heart’s true confessions as I had hers?

My lady mother now, then and always was my father’s closest and dearest alley. No more would she have given heed or thought to my counsel than she would

to

one of the wolfhounds that lay nightly at the fireside between her chair and papa’s. In truth, I believe she would have given more thought to the dog’s

dogs'

musings. After all, if they sounded a warning, who would not listen?

I had no other clear choice but to make good my escape. While it is true I was often a willful child and could at times be perhaps considered strongly viewed,

Hm, "strongly viewed"? Much lloked at? Perhaps "strong willed"?

I was for the most part an obedient daughter. I learned to be a lady in keeping with my family name and responsibilities. I learned to sew, to prevail against the lazy or dim witted of our servants.

"to prevail against"? Some kind of competition? Sewing being something in which she can beat the thickies and lazies?

In time and truth I learned to dance, not only as befits a lady upon the dance floor, but also some of that dance with which a lady learns to hold court. My parents did their duty by me, I assure you; and it was not with malice that I have committed such disobedience as this against my father’s wishes.

[/QUOTE] And could your father have been expected to wish you disobedient?

The retrograde style slips a little from time to time, and maintaining it over a long piece might be somewhat difficult, and in this extract, there isn't yet a hook, something to tell you "I really want to find out what happens from here". Not critical, many good tales start slowly, but the faster you can get a reader interested the better.

 

[Redhawk]

More great suggestions...and don't I feel silly for some of them now that I SEE them! Well...duh on me! Thank you so much for your time and wisdom!

 

[Redhawk]

Closer now...perhaps? I do so very much appreciate the suggestions. I don't mean to be dim, but obviously I don't know half of what I hoped I did!



Prelude
That which was then…..

I knew not which was more blinding, the wind, that whipped my eyes into tears, the rain, beating down in sheets that plastered my horse’s mane to his neck, the lightning that flickered like a million candles, or the darkness itself as I rode away from all I had known.

I needed a dark night, one I could hide within, a night with no brilliant moon dancing on the water of the moat. A cold night, in which no servants would stray to keep a lover’s trust, and seeing me move in secret amidst the shadows of the moon, would compel them to give word to my father or mother of what they had seen.

My fears divided now between managing a successful escape and for my closest friend Nannine, my maid, being somehow caught or blamed for not telling of my plans; for it was she who had aided me in my escape. My dearest friend and confident of old, Nannine understood my fears and my dreams, for had she not held me nights without end and listened to my heart’s true desires as I had hers?

My lady mother now, then and always was my father’s closest and dearest alley. No more would she have given heed or thought to my counsel than she would to one of the wolfhounds that lay nightly at the fireside between her chair and papa’s. In truth, I believe she would have given more thought to the dogs’ musings. After all, if they sounded a warning, who would not listen?

I swear there was no other clear choice but to make good my escape. While it is true I was often a willful child and could at times be considered to have stronger opinions than a woman should have, I was for the most part an obedient daughter.

I had learned to be a lady in keeping with my family name and responsibilities. I learned to sew, to plan for the needs of the Keep; and to prevail against the lazy or dim witted of our servants in a gentle manner to keep them at their tasks in good order. In time I learned to dance, not only as befits a lady upon the dance floor, but also some of that dance with which a lady learns to hold court. My parents did their duty by me, I assure you; and it was not with malice that I have committed such disobedience as this. Had the circumstances been different, I would not have gone against my father’s wishes.

 

[chrispenycate]

I can't believe I missed this last time;"was my father’s closest and dearest alley" That should be "ally" (unless she's accustomed to being trampled underfoot. And I maintain "tryst"{an apointment to meet} rather than "trust",{the worthiness of being relied on}
Perhaps commas round "nights without end"; that sentence is a bit indigestable without punctuation.
I find the last paragraph much better like that, but then, what do I know?

*suddenly trembles with shame* "Oh, no, I've done it again!"

 

[Redhawk]

roflmao...well...I rather believe YOU know a fair amount about writing and most assuredly are a better proofer than myself...let's not discuss my abysmal spelling...you can rest assured that I'll continue to muck that up and miss catching them despite my good intentions with both spell check and Websters....(I suppose sometimes my brain is working faster than my fingers can keep up, even if I can key about 65 or so a minute...my fingers must take short cuts on listening...moat vs mote ugg.)

My only comfort is that a few of the oops you caught before...I also caught them...AFTER I posted the thing on here...of course. (A lovely serving of how did I miss this for everyone?) It's a challenge. I do believe I can write, but feel like my lack of technical know how may be the hammer hitting my head...learn more and carry on...must become my motto!

I'm humble and happy there are people here, willing to share their knowledge and time to help me!

I can't believe I missed this last time;"was my father’s closest and dearest alley" That should be "ally" (unless she's accustomed to being trampled underfoot. And I maintain "tryst"{an apointment to meet} rather than "trust",{the worthiness of being relied on}
Perhaps commas round "nights without end"; that sentence is a bit indigestable without punctuation.
I find the last paragraph much better like that, but then, what do I know?

*suddenly trembles with shame* "Oh, no, I've done it again!"

 

[Joel007]

Sometimes the autocorrect in word makes a minor misspelling much more serious Its fun to alter the autocorrect and change the rules, then watch as someone types "I hate you" only to be autocorrected to "I am gay".

(ok childish, but amusing)

 

[Redhawk]

OHHHH...you are a naughty boy! rof....I must be meaner than you...I'd change it to something like..."I love having the piles!" "I have crabs" "BO, it's not just for breakfast anymore!" or maybe "I'd walk a mile for a Camel, because I'm just that pervy."

And what if the person WERE gay..then you're reduced to hoping they're still in the closet in order to have a truly profound effect!

Sometimes the autocorrect in word makes a minor misspelling much more serious Its fun to alter the autocorrect and change the rules, then watch as someone types "I hate you" only to be autocorrected to "I am gay".

(ok childish, but amusing)