Dantes Secret Part of Chapter 2

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Redhawk

Always and never changing
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If you wanna be you be you, and if you wanna be me
Chapter 2

Not for love of family nor title would I be wed to an old man who acted with two faces in his behaviors and evil morals. Not at my age of ten and six, it was not as if I were an old maid yet! I should have at least three more years of freedom before that would be the issue. No, there was no other choice for me but to leave in the night as a thief and a liar and the disappointment of my parent’s hearts.

The Rogue was a perfect gentleman, even in the rain, and picked his way across the mote bridge, as dainty as a cat, his feet wrapped in cloth to silence the sound. I pushed back what was left of my hair, having hacked it off to shoulder length. The strands of gold I wrapped up in a pouch and stuffed into my pack. Ryan had mentioned having seen hair of such a length for sell in the bigger towns, for wig maker’s shops, perhaps I could sell it somewhere.

I had taken all that I could carry of my own that had value, in his efforts to help Ryan said if I planned to avoid anyone that I could simply stay with based upon my good name, I would need money or a way to get some. Nannine claimed that in my rough clothes I looked like a boy more so after cutting my hair. So I left some trifle for the groom’s boy and took every bit of clothing he had not on his self that night.

Once we had passed the low curving hill leading to the Keep, I touched Rogue with my heels lightly and he broke into an easy canter. We had but gone a short way when the rain seemed to grow stronger and I feared leaving prints in the mud that even now was beginning to pull at my horse’s legs. With no thought of turning back, I reined my lad for the wood in hopes that the ground would provide more gentle footing and the trees perhaps some shelter from the rain.

I did not wish to be seen at all and so our first rest was during the day, after the rain had slowed to a soft drizzle and a wan sun tried to filter down through the tall pines and birch trees. Six days did we travel thus. Not once did we leave the woods and I counted it lucky that there were small creeks and occasionally streams to slack our thirst.

On the sixth morn I tethered Rogue close at hand with the last of the sweet feed I had brought and slowly ate a moist oatcake. There were yet some apples left in my bag for us to share of an evening and some cheese Nannine had nipped for me. After cutting some branches and piling them around us both I would lay down to rest in the thicket covering. It was the rain splashing down my neck from one of the friendly limbs that woke me just before dusk, my face covered by my hat as it were.

“Oh bother the rain,” I muttered gathering up my things in the shadow of another damp evening. The mist of the rain seemed to have become a fog that was everywhere. “Well, old boy, we are yet in for another night of it I see.” The Rogue nickered softly and pawed at the fallen pine needles as if to express a wish that he be put in a warm stall this evening. He had managed to eat every possible bit of forage within the space of the long line I had tied him with and I worried he might soon need better feed than could be found on such paths we traveled.


I mounted and we took off at a walk. “I hope you have some vision that I am lacking sir, I cannot see hardly a thing here.” Rogue was willing, so I trusted him to move us through the forest and the thick stuff that surrounded everything. “Perhaps if we could try finding a higher ground laddie, we could see better?” Barely could I see how his ears moved back and forth at the sound of my voice. I wondered if he hoped to come to the dry and friendly stable he had once known?

The rain slowed to a gentle mist, but the fog seemed to thicken still more around us and the only good thing was that it seemed to be slightly less cold than other, recent nights had been. I could feel Rogue climbing more than before, but the trees that were within reach were the only forms I could make out. The woods were so silent in the fog, it felt as if we were the only ones there now or ever. The crackling of Rogue’s hooves were the only sounds except for his breathing.

I pulled him back for a true rest hours later, for even at a slow and easy walk he had gone on all night, with only short stops, into the false dawn. I had just slipped off and offered him a drink even as I took my own when we heard a high bawl of terror! Both of us snapped out heads around and I dropped the bladder of water just as the second cry rang out!

Rogue began to dance in place wanting nothing more than to be gone. Since we were of one mind, I jumped on and put him to the trot away from that place. The screaming seemed to echo around us. High pitched and frightful, and screams they were now, of what I did not know! What sounded like a calf or deer bawling from attack at first did not seem to cease but grew!


Realizing that whatever was screaming could not simply be that of a normal prey beast being attacked, I felt a clear and growing panic! I had no sword, no bow! Hardly would my belt knife be of any true help with such as this might be! I had never heard such a horrible sound before.

When my poor frightened horse jarred to a stop and reared, pulling the reins from my grasp, I could not hope to hold his head; the slick leather reins slipped right through my hands! With my legs wrapped tight I grabbed at his heavy sodden mane just as his front feet hit the ground and he bolted.


The horrid fog was no less thick and glowed white as the sun continued to rise behind us. My fear now was not that we could not out run that fright which so did move us, but that we would crash into a tree, or other hazard being quite blinded by the fog! It was all I could do to hang on and pray that my horse had more vision than I did, or that the One God or even the Goddess of the woods was watching and would protect a fool!

[FONT=&quot]I suppose I'm looking to see if there is any "hook" here...of course, I'm grateful for all assistance, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]structural[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]perspective. Greatly[/FONT][FONT=&quot] appreciated! I have no clue why the fonts change on the post......too bad I can't blame any other oops on the computer fairy...<wink>
[/FONT]
 
Redhawk said:
Chapter 2

Not for love of family nor title would I be wed to an old man who acted with two faces in his behaviors and evil morals. Not at my age of ten and six,
oh, all right "ten and six" bothers me because it's a price, not an age (ten shillings and sixpence, in my youth) Still, while several cultures calculate in scores (Four score years and ten ago, or forefathers…) I can think of none that avoids taking their boots of to figure
it was not as if I were an old maid yet! I should have at least three more years of freedom before that would be the issue. No, there was no other choice for me but to leave in the night as a thief and a liar and the disappointment of my parent’s hearts.
The Rogue was a perfect gentleman, even in the rain, and picked his way across the mote bridge
we've got another "mote" homophone! How about "drawbridge"? Unless it isn't, of course, then "moat"
, as dainty as a cat, his feet wrapped in cloth to silence the sound. I pushed back what was left of my hair, having hacked it off to shoulder length. The strands of gold I
had
wrapped up in a pouch and stuffed into my pack. Ryan had mentioned having seen hair of such a length for sell
for sale
in the bigger towns, for wig maker’s shops,
semicolon
perhaps I could sell it somewhere.
I had taken all that I could carry of my own that had value, in his efforts to help Ryan said if I planned to avoid anyone that I could simply stay with based upon my good name, I would need money or a way to get some.
Clumsy sentence; too long, and requires detailed analysis to work out what it's trying to say. Needs cutting in two (at least) and clarifying
Nannine claimed that in my rough clothes I looked like a boy more so after cutting my hair. So I left some trifle for the groom’s boy and took every bit of clothing he had not on his self that night.
Once we had passed the low curving hill leading to the Keep, I touched Rogue with my heels lightly and he broke into an easy canter. We had but gone a short way when the rain seemed to grow stronger and I feared leaving prints in the mud that even now was beginning to pull at my horse’s legs. With no thought of turning back, I reined my lad for the wood in hopes that the ground would provide more gentle footing and the trees perhaps some shelter from the rain.

I did not wish to be seen at all and so our first rest was during the day, after the rain had slowed to a soft drizzle and a wan sun tried to filter down through the tall pines and birch trees. Six days did we travel thus. Not once did we leave the woods and I counted it lucky that there were small creeks and occasionally streams to slack
slake
our thirst.
On the sixth morn I tethered Rogue close at hand with the last of the sweet feed I had brought and slowly ate a moist oatcake. There were yet some apples left in my bag for us to share of an evening and some cheese Nannine had nipped
nipped?
for me. After cutting some branches and piling them around us both I would lay down to rest in the thicket covering. It was the rain splashing down my neck from one of the friendly limbs that woke me just before dusk, my face covered by my hat as it were.
“Oh bother the rain,” I muttered gathering up my things in the shadow of another damp evening. The mist of the rain seemed to have become a fog that was everywhere. “Well, old boy, we are yet in for another night of it I see.” The Rogue nickered softly and pawed at the fallen pine needles as if to express a wish that he be put in a warm stall this evening. He had managed to eat every possible bit of forage within the space of the long line I had tied him with and I worried he might soon need better feed than could be found on such paths
as?
we traveled.


I mounted and we took off at a walk. “I hope you have some vision that I am lacking sir, I cannot see hardly a thing here.”
sort of double negative, but I don't suppose the horse will be worried
Rogue was willing, so I trusted him to move us through the forest and the thick stuff
thick "stuff"? Um, undergrowth, fog, mud?
that surrounded everything. “Perhaps if we could try finding a
no "a"
higher ground
comma
laddie, we could see better?” Barely could I see how his ears moved back and forth at the sound of my voice. I wondered if he hoped to come to the dry and friendly stable he had once known?
The rain slowed to a gentle mist, but the fog seemed to thicken still more around us and the only good thing was that it seemed to be slightly less cold than other, recent nights had been. I could feel Rogue climbing more than before, but the trees that were within reach were the only forms I could make out. The woods were so silent in the fog, it felt as if we were the only ones there now or ever. The crackling of Rogue’s hooves were the only sounds except for his breathing.
crackling hooves? what is he walking on? (pine needles go woomph, and I hope it's not twigs; that would be really dangerous for his feet (and I trust she removed the soggy cloth bindings, too, or his hooves won't only be muffled but rotting by now))
I pulled him back for a true rest hours later, for even at a slow and easy walk he had gone on all night, with only short stops, into the false dawn. I had just slipped off and offered him a drink even as I took my own when we heard a high bawl of terror! Both of us snapped out heads around and I dropped the bladder of water just as the second cry rang out!

Rogue began to dance in place wanting nothing more than to be gone. Since we were of one mind, I jumped on and put him to the trot away from that place. The screaming seemed to echo around us. High pitched and frightful, and screams they were now, of what I did not know! What sounded like a calf or deer bawling from attack at first did not seem to cease but grew!


Realizing that whatever was screaming could not simply be that of a normal prey beast being attacked, I felt a clear and growing panic! I had no sword, no bow! Hardly would my belt knife be of any true help with such as this might be! I had never heard such a horrible sound before.

When my poor frightened horse jarred to a stop and reared, pulling the reins from my grasp, I could not hope to hold his head; the slick leather reins slipped right through my hands! With my legs wrapped tight I grabbed at his heavy sodden mane just as his front feet hit the ground and he bolted.


The horrid fog was no less thick and glowed white as the sun continued to rise behind us. My fear now was not that we could not out run
outrun
that fright which so did move us, but that we would crash into a tree,
no comma
or other hazard
comma
being quite blinded by the fog! It was all I could do to hang on and pray that my horse had more vision than I did, or that the One God or even the Goddess of the woods was watching and would protect a fool!
[FONT=&quot]I suppose I'm looking to see if there is any "hook" here...of course, I'm grateful for all assistance, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]structural[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]perspective. Greatly[/FONT][FONT=&quot] appreciated! I have no clue why the fonts change on the post......too bad I can't blame any other oops on the computer fairy...<wink>
[/FONT]

If doesn't flow as well as the first chapter yet; sentences have a tendency to be too long (no, I'm not saying they should be of the "see Spot run" style, but they tend to contain too many different ideas, inadequately separated)(look who's criticising whom on sentence length) The somewhat stilted style you're working in lacks rhythm as yet; check the first sentence. "acted with two faces in his behaviours" - ignoring whether one can have more than one behaviour, the "acted" implies the behavior, and then it goes on "and evil morals". Even if the beginning hadn't been dragged out with the "family nor title" that end doesn't roll off the tongue very well, and this continues throughout the fragment. The okd fashioned, somewhat stilted style doesn't come naturally to you yet, and this means that the terror generated by the chase near the end, for example, is filtered through this lack of feel, and sounds translated, lacking immediacy. Well perhaps I'm being too negative, as there's some good stuff here, but it requires reworking.
 
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I'll have to triple check on the age "name" part. I'd had a roll set in this time where that was the way they spoke of age. That particular Play write was pretty sticky about accuracy...but who knows...I've been researching everything else...one more won't kill me...of course I've also learned how easy it can be for me to end up dancing from one research item to another (not part of the story) simply because it's interesting to learn about it..lmao!

Lots of my normal oops tricks. Moat...missed it again!

God I love your brain...you're pretty peachy keen too to give your time and knowledge like this. I do wish I could make some "better quality" mistakes, rather than such dumb ones...;) But, if y'all don't give up on me, mayhaps I'll manage to GET A CLUE! Stranger things have happened, hope shines eternal...eh?
Thank you!
 
Oh, there must have been a "six and ten" period ere it was contracted to "sixteen"; I'm probably the only one around to remember the contractions of shillings and pence.
Couple more sillies:- why do I always miss some first time round (and before you ask, yes, when I write, I miss correcting mine, too {and when I correct other peoples I try and go too fast and put in things like "our forefathers…) I can think of none that avoids taking their boots off to figure"
in my rough clothes I looked like a boy semicolon more so after cutting my hair.
Realizing that whatever was screaming could not simply be that of a normal prey beast being attacked,either the "that" is unescessary or the "whatever was" should be changed for a "the"

Oh, and when you use as many exclamation marks as in those last paragraphs, you dilute the effect and make each one less effective!
And I'll bet I missed something else, Now we need one of the real writers to give indications on style, now I've battered at the mechanical problems.
 
lol...and just think...I've actually gone over a few here for other folks...doubtless, I'm not as keen at offering the type of suggestions you are...I deal with other possible concerns.:rolleyes:

Ummm, you are the only one as yet that has been willing to dive head first into my melee. Brave soul!

chrispenycate said:
Oh, there must have been a "six and ten" period ere it was contracted to "sixteen"; I'm probably the only one around to remember the contractions of shillings and pence.
Couple more sillies:- why do I always miss some first time round (and before you ask, yes, when I write, I miss correcting mine, too {and when I correct other peoples I try and go too fast and put in things like "our forefathers…) I can think of none that avoids taking their boots off to figure"
in my rough clothes I looked like a boy semicolon more so after cutting my hair.
Realizing that whatever was screaming could not simply be that of a normal prey beast being attacked,either the "that" is unescessary or the "whatever was" should be changed for a "the"

Oh, and when you use as many exclamation marks as in those last paragraphs, you dilute the effect and make each one less effective!
And I'll bet I missed something else, Now we need one of the real writers to give indications on style, now I've battered at the mechanical problems.
 
Aside from those errors pointed out by chrispenycate, I thought this was a rather excellent piece. You speak with a unique voice, the setting is captivating, and the character is certainly interesting. It feels rather Victorian, which is really cool. Also, do you have any experience with horses? The way you handled Rogue feels quite authentic - I'm impressed, since fantasy usually leaves one with the impression that horses are just organic motorcycles.

In all honesty, I think that this kicks the crap out of the prelude you wrote. Maybe you should open with this scene. It has a touch of mystery, it leaves one wanting to know more (heck, if this were a full book, I'd be buying right about now!), and it moves at a swift pace (again, if this were a complete book, I would have turned the page, and kept on reading). The prelude fails to do that.
 
Thank you...I think it's safe to say...you made my MONTH...and then some!

I appreciate so much the suggestions I've gotten from folks here, and look forward to more. I'm hopeful that I can sell this book, but I know with no doubt at all, I DON'T know "it all." Hardly, do I know squat about "correct" writing for a book. It's a far cry from writing contracts, poems, marketing and advertisements.

At times a writer might experience the gift of the story just playing out smoothly and easily...being "in the flow" of the story. Then, upon editing, and reading over what seemed to come so easily, discover not only errors but become fearful that some, most or all is of no interest or value; the "What IFs" set in to eat at the heart and fill one with doubts.

Grammar and spelling I can correct and learn to do with a more sound foundation of correct writing practices, but if the story is no more than utter drivel...yikes...then I'd have over 300 pages of rot taking up space on my poor overworked computer! Thank you again for the encouragement.
 
At times a writer might experience the gift of the story just playing out smoothly and easily...being "in the flow" of the story. Then, upon editing, and reading over what seemed to come so easily, discover not only errors but become fearful that some, most or all is of no interest or value; the "What IFs" set in to eat at the heart and fill one with doubts.
Oh, I know *exactly* what you're talking about. I'm always worried that what I write isn't worth anyone's time. So, yeah, I totally sympathize. But this is definitely a good story - just work on the mechanics, and I won't be surprised if I see this in Barnes and Noble one day. :)
 
chrispenycate said:
oh, all right "ten and six" bothers me because it's a price, not an age (ten shillings and sixpence, in my youth) Still, while several cultures calculate in scores (Four score years and ten ago, or forefathers…) I can think of none that avoids taking their boots of to figure

and "nipped"
chrispenycate said:
I'm still trying to research this age thing....

  1. Slang.
    1. To snatch up hastily.
    2. To take (the property of another) unlawfully; steal.
v.intr. Chiefly British.

In most Keeps/homes, of this time, food would not have always been "for the casul taking" by staff or family members. "The Cook" would have likely had the keys to the larder or if there was some trust, it would still NOT have been acceptable for some household member to simply TAKE a significant portion of food. So Nannine slipped in and TOOK IT without a by your leave from anyone.
 
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