Some more of chapt 2 on Dantes Secret

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Redhawk

Always and never changing
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If you wanna be you be you, and if you wanna be me
By the strain of Rogue’s muscles I could feel we were climbing and then he gave a bit of a leap. Suddenly, I was thrown forward half up his neck and he was fighting for his balance under foot, as was I upon his back. I wanted to sit up and lean back to get off of his front end and give him a fighting chance to recover, but I could not seem to haul myself back up and as he scrambled for his footing I felt him loose and go down upon his knees.

So steep was the hill, that I flipped over his head with a scream from me and a low moan from him, we tumbled down in the bracken and mud. I remember rolling, bouncing and falling down what seemed to be the longest hill, longer and more scarred than even the Kettle Rim into the Pot. The pain from the rocks felt sure to break every bone I had, but I could not help but wonder fleeting, what of my good horse? Were his legs broken now too? My painful drop seemed to slow some, and then I remember nothing, only merciful blackness without pain.

*************************


I think I must have wakened at least once. I am almost certain that I recall a numbing coldness. Yet, when I have tried to remember that time, I see only darkness and hear only the murmuring of a low, gentle voice whispering, whispering; and eventually scratchy and low. He has told me it was the leaves upon which I lay, and the wind only, whispering. But, I do not recall. I think I must have left this world for a time. On that we do agree, for it would seem I came back changed forever, or else I did not come back to that world which I did dwell within before.

When I did truly awaken, it was to a crisp cold smell of snow, though I was warm. There was darkness, yet when I did turn my head, a soft glowing light did I see, like that of a small fire, yet perched up in the tree, like a bird of light nesting there. I must have made some sound of surprise; and then of pain, for just then there was movement beside me on either side.

“Lady, are you with us then?” His voice, pitched low and soft did not cause me much alarm for some strange reason; so did I respond, “I am here, yet where am I, and who is this that you are sir?”

“You are safe now Lady and I am Dante, pray tell me do you feel much pain yet?” I felt such a thirst, and as if I were swimming up from a deep place and it made me laugh but a little to think of swimming in so much water, while such a fierce thirst held me captive. “Lady, are you yet in your right mind, are you in pain?”

“Yes, I am in pain, I am in pain of thirst and I feel as if I have been made into parchment, mashed like the herbs that are laid to dry in the sun. Sir, something has yet bound me on my back and I can not seem to rise.”

He took a deep breath and let it out. “Joker, come here,” he said. I immediately felt something, which turned out to be a dog with a thick coat rise from my other side and move over to sit by my head, but to the side. “I have not wine here, yet a drink of cold water may I offer you, will you drink?”

“Please, Sir, yes, if I can but sit up.”

“Stay but a moment, I will get the water and assist you after.”

He arose and stepped away, but was quickly back. Then gently slipped his arm around my shoulders and slowly brought me up to sit. When he brought a bowl of water to my hands, so greedy was my thirst that I grabbed at it. But, he held it still and away from my drinking as fast as I wanted. “Slowly, drink slowly now,” his gentle voice chided me. I who had never had a sick day in my life, did not know why he should not allow me to drink my fill, it was very good water. Yet, he pulled the cup from my lips, and again asked me to wait a bit.

“Perhaps you would tell me where I am Sir? This place I do not know.”

“You are almost to what Is called the Dead Woods in this part of the world yet, Lady, no one comes upon the Dead Woods from this way, steep are the hills and considered death to ride them.” At that my heart skipped a beat and I remembered The Rogue. “My horse, Sir, my horse, was there a horse about me here?” A gentle hand he placed upon my own at my distress. “Yes, Lady, I have seen to your horse as well I might these days hence past.”

“Days past, days past?” my voice rose in panic!

“My Lady, four days past have you been in slumber here.” Stupidly I could only repeat what he had said. “Four days in slumber have I been?” The fear I was now feeling clearly heard in my voice. “Yes Lady, but you are with us now, I know not how long you may have been before I did find you so, a light cover of snow did you have upon you.” I could not believe him, yet how could I not, for what purpose would he bear false on this? My mind was still in a fog. “My horse how is he?”



The gentleman gave this news quickly, and for that I was thankful. “He is well as could be for one who challenged the hill path to the Dead Woods. He has banged his knees in front and is lame yet, though I believe he will recover, with rest, as well may you Lady. I have some small skill of healing which I was pleased to offer you both.”



I still have no clue why the font and size changes...:confused: In addition to grammer and/or tech structure, I'm wondering if my dialog is flowing ok is this moving forward enough? Thank you all in advance for your time and assistance.
 
Redhawk said:
By the strain of Rogue’s muscles I could feel we were climbing and then he gave a bit of a leap. Suddenly, I was thrown forward half up his neck and he was fighting for his balance under foot
underfoot; but it's grip you lose underfoot, rather than balance. Not that I don't like the contrast of the mutual fight for balance, one above, one below
, as was I upon his back. I wanted to sit up and lean back to get off of his front end and give him a fighting chance to recover, but I could not seem to haul myself back up and as he scrambled for his footing I felt him loose
I'm not much of an equestrian (certainly not in conditions like that) but I think it's "lose" (as in fail to win) rather than "loose" (become less tight)
and go down upon his knees.
So steep was the hill, that I flipped over his head
period, that's two complete sentences (I'll allow a semicolon
with a scream from me and a low moan from him, we tumbled down in the bracken and mud. I remember rolling, bouncing and falling down what seemed to be the longest hill, longer and more scarred than even the Kettle Rim into the Pot. The pain from the rocks felt sure to break every bone I had, but I could not help but wonder fleeting, what of my good horse? Were his legs broken now too? My painful drop seemed to slow some, and then I remember nothing, only merciful blackness without pain.
*************************


I think I must have wakened at least once. I am almost certain that I recall a numbing coldness. Yet, when I have tried to remember that time, I see only darkness and hear only the murmuring of a low, gentle voice whispering, whispering; and eventually scratchy and low.
scratchy and low what?
He has told me it was the leaves upon which I lay, and the wind only, whispering. But,
why comma?
I do not recall. I think I must have left this world for a time. On that we do agree, for it would seem I came back changed forever, or else I did not come back to that world which I did dwell within before.
When I did truly awaken, it was to a crisp cold smell of snow, though I was warm. There was darkness, yet when I did turn my head, a soft glowing light did I see, like that of a small fire, yet perched up in the tree, like a bird of light nesting there. I must have made some sound of surprise; and then of pain, for just then there was movement beside me on either side.

“Lady, are you with us then?” His voice, pitched low and soft did not cause me much alarm for some strange reason; so did I respond, “I am here, yet where am I, and who is this that you are sir?”

“You are safe now Lady and I am Dante, pray tell me do you feel much pain yet?” I felt such a thirst, and as if I were swimming up from a deep place
comma (I think
and it made me laugh but
why the "but"? (only) The fact she laughed at all was enough to generate a reaction from her companion.
a little to think of swimming in so much water, while such a fierce thirst held me captive. “Lady, are you yet in your right mind, are you in pain?”
“Yes, I am in pain, I am in pain of thirst and I feel as if I have been made into parchment, mashed like the herbs that are laid to dry in the sun. Sir, something has yet bound me on my back and I can not seem to rise.”

He took a deep breath and let it out. “Joker, come here,” he said. I immediately felt something, which turned out to be a dog with a thick coat rise from my other side and move over to sit by my head, but to the side. “I have not wine here, yet a drink of cold water may I offer you, will you drink?”

“Please, Sir, yes, if I can but sit up.”

“Stay but a moment, I will get the water and assist you after.”

He arose and stepped away, but was quickly back. Then gently slipped his arm around my shoulders and slowly brought me up to sit. When he brought a bowl of water to my hands, so greedy was my thirst that I grabbed at it. But, he held it still and away from my drinking as fast as I wanted. “Slowly, drink slowly now,” his gentle voice chided me. I who had never had a sick day in my life, did not know why he should not allow me to drink my fill, it was very good water. Yet, he pulled the cup from my lips, and again asked me to wait a bit.

“Perhaps you would tell me where I am Sir? This place I do not know.”

“You are almost to what Is
no capital "Is"
called the Dead Woods in this part of the world yet, Lady, no one comes upon the Dead Woods from this way, steep are the hills and considered death to ride them.” At that my heart skipped a beat and I remembered The Rogue. “My horse, Sir, my horse, was there a horse about me here?” A gentle hand he placed upon my own at my distress. “Yes, Lady, I have seen to your horse as well I might these days hence past.”
“Days past, days past?” my voice rose in panic!

“My Lady, four days past have you been in slumber here.” Stupidly I could only repeat what he had said. “Four days in slumber have I been?” The fear I was now feeling clearly heard in my voice. “Yes Lady, but you are with us now, I know not how long you may have been before I did find you so, a light cover of snow did you have upon you.” I could not believe him, yet how could I not, for what purpose would he bear false on this? My mind was still in a fog. “My horse
at least a comma; I'd use a semicolon
how is he?”


The gentleman gave this news quickly, and for that I was thankful. “He is well as could be for one who challenged the hill path to the Dead Woods. He has banged his knees in front and is lame yet, though I believe he will recover, with rest, as well may you Lady. I have some small skill of healing which I was pleased to offer you both.”



I still have no clue why the font and size changes...:confused: In addition to grammer and/or tech structure, I'm wondering if my dialog is flowing ok is this moving forward enough? Thank you all in advance for your time and assistance.
Less for me to do; you're getting better!
Do you ever read this out loud? Remember, you're mimicking a vocal style. While bits of this flow nicely, there's a risk of "Yodarisation", of inverting concepts just to be different. I really don't believe that in this detail I qualified am, it must a question of your feeling be. But natural should it sound as if ones thinking ever thus, a pattern longtime forged in tale and poesy.
 
I did notice there were fewer "dumb" errors and you have not clue how thrilled I am...I'M LEARNING IT...of course I should know more of the tech aspect...but since I obviously didn't/don't it's a rush to see that I'm catching on!
I'll debate the "Balance" part of poor Rogue's fight not to loose his footing on the hill, but only because so much of riding IS all about balance. Once you have it down, you can ride with NO hands, directing the horse entirely with your legs, your seat and the way you turn and lean your body, it's quite a thrill! Although, if your horse were to bolt, from something frightening, you would have quite a challenge stopping him. (Because horses are primarily flight animals from the original fox-sized critter.) In a controlled environment, you should be able to stop a well trained, or "push button" (works off of vocal commands) horse without the use of reins...under optimum conditions.
Several type-o's I noticed on my part....Thank you so much again for your help and good eyes!

oh...and I DO read it outloud. You'd get a heck of a laugh off of some of the crapola I've caught already and the knots my tongue ended up being tied in... something like....and la blah,oof eebeka..yeash and then "well, THIS makes no sense...what the *^%# was I thinking here?
 
Redhawk said:
oh...and I DO read it outloud. You'd get a heck of a laugh off of some of the crapola I've caught already and the knots my tongue ended up being tied in... something like....and la blah,oof eebeka..yeash and then "well, THIS makes no sense...what the *^%# was I thinking here?

HA! That is the story of my writing----and of my life LOL.

I rather liked your story, it wasn't hard to read and interesting.
 
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