Dantes Secret (part of chap 25)

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Redhawk

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If you wanna be you be you, and if you wanna be me
A quick walk to the Salle and we were ready for my first lesson in hand to hand fighting. Little did we know, I would not be the only one learning something today.

Dante had me start by doing some stretching, and seemed surprised when Aunt Morgan joined us in this. He looked to John, who simply shrugged, knowing no more than we did of what was to come. After several long moments, Aunt suggested that rather than immediately start me, I might benefit from watching some different types of sword play with someone to point out what I was looking at, doubtful I had ever experienced that. She looked overly innocent as she spoke, but neither Dante nor John appeared to notice this.


John stood to join Dante, but Aunt waved him back. “I am sure that what the two of you can show us would be useful, but since Laurel is no where near either of your sizes, why not show her with someone closer to her own size?” Dante looked at Arun, who laughed, as she too was a good head taller than me. “Surely you do not mean for me to fight you, Lizbeth? I cannot bring myself to strike you!” Was Dante’s admission. I noticed that Sarah had a slight smile on her face as her partner, raised an eyebrow and asked in a haughty tone….”What makes you think you will land a strike? These leathers did not start out looking as they now do; and I would suggest that you don your own leathers, I do not give out love taps when working out with some one close to my measure!”

Dante turned to John for some sort of help, he was ten and two years of age, well grown and muscled, much taller than the elderly woman standing before him, and well used to using his strength on a regular basis. She might be quite hardy for her age, but he was in no hurry to cause her an injury.

“Why do you look to my nephew, boy, think you he can dissuade me from this venture? Go put on your leathers and get your sword; before you judge me a fool, indulge me a moment.” It appeared to all of us that Dante had little choice; he bowed slightly and ran to the small room where the gear was kept. Running back a few moments later leather pants on, and wood swords under his arm, his leather tunic in his hand. He started to set the wood and tunic down, but Aunt stopped him and asked that he get his steel. “Now I must protest!” He said, with some heat. “Wood is enough to tap with in this bout, do you not agree, Lizbeth?” She grinned, but not in a very nice way, responding. “You are welcome to use the blade of your choice, Sir, I am using my own sword.” She stepped to Sarah, who handed her a silk wrapped scabbard and drew from it a beautiful, old looking blade.

She looked at it fondly and then passed it to Dante to look at. His eyes opened very wide and he was clearly impressed with the craftsmanship, the balance which he tested after flashing Lizbeth a questioning look, and receiving her nod of approval. His smile was pure delight at the way the Aunt Lizbeth’s sword handled in his hands. “Tis a bit on the light side for me, but I can see that it would be like an extension of the arm for someone of your size and weight. It is a Master’s work I would judge.”

Aunt smiled, pleased that he was able to read the quality of her sword. “You would be correct in that judgment. It twas made for me, and as you might imagine from the look of it, it has been used. More successfully than not, as you see me standing here, more often used than I would wish had been needed. Now, will you please stop wasting time and go get your steel, consider for one moment that I may know what I am about here, and let us begin to show Laurel how someone closer to her size might attempt to successfully fight someone of your size?”

Dante bowed and raced back to the armory again. When he returned he had his blade, and asked John to please lace his tunic for him as he wiggled into it. John began lacing the back up tightly, it was made to allow a great deal of movement, but the thick leather provided some protection from glancing blows and if you were quick enough, might stop or hinder a direct stab long enough to evade such. Standing so John could tighten up the laces on the back, Dante bespoke in all haste You knew nothing of this; that she evidently has fought at some point in time?”

“Nay, not a bit of it, not like this. I mean, I know she and Mother were reputed to fight about the house as youngsters, to the point that Grandfather finally had a Salle built at his City House, slightly smaller than the one they had in the country, because they spent a good part of the year in the Capital, but never did Mother say naught that Aunt Lizbeth fought as a woman!” Poor John had no more to offer and sounded as confounded as Dante felt.

“Where the duce could she have fought as a woman? Aside from our own people, who else allows women to fight?” Dante mental voice sounded more worried by the moment. I think I may be in for it, John, that sword has seen blood, it resonates with it, for all it is perfectly clean and well maintained. No doubt that’s why she had it wrapped in the silk, so that Sarah can stand to handle it. How old is Lizbeth?” Dante asked.

“I don’t know exactly, four and nine? She could be five and four or older, Mother has two older sisters and three younger ones, I don’t rightly know which one Lizbeth is, I never thought to ask! Her hair has always been snowy white, I just thought of her as old! Mother is fifty, or maybe five and one, not much help really is it? I’m sorry!”

Auntie had spend the moments speaking to Laurel, describing what she would be trying to do to compensate for the age and weight difference between her and Dante when Sarah spoke softly for her ears only….”You are not going to hurt him I know better than that, but don’t hurt his pride too much if you can help it, not before his wife, let her find him fallible in the more timely ways lovers do!” Lizbeth shrugged a moment and asked Sarah to check her ties for her. Oh, you are such a romantic, this is training!” Sarah’s deft fingers tighten up the loose spot and retied the ends. He is apt, young, male and stronger physically than you are, and I know you love a challenge, but you are romantic too, my love, and he is like a son to all of us, bare it in mind, Lizbeth….you can prove your point without shredding his confidence!”

Lizbeth turned to her love, she who was gentle and giving in spirit, who had been with her since they were but girls, a true friendship that had grown into a deeper love. You have always been my strength in so many ways, and my conscience in many others. I would be a fool not to heed your wisdom now.” Sarah leaned in and wrapped her arms about her life bonded, leaning down the scant inches to kiss her gently.



Any and all comments greatly appreciated....Thank you in advance for your opinions, wisdom and ideas!
 
Last edited:
Redhawk said:
A quick walk to the Salle and we were ready for my first lesson in hand to hand fighting. Little did we know,
no comma
I would not be the only one learning something today.

Dante had me start by doing some stretching, and seemed surprised when Aunt Morgan
why is she "Aunt Lizbeth" elsewhere and Morgan here?
joined us in this. He looked to John, who simply shrugged, knowing no more than we did of what was to come. After several long moments, Aunt suggested that rather than immediately start me, I might benefit from watching some different types of sword play with someone to point out what I was looking at, doubtful I had ever experienced that. She looked overly innocent as she spoke, but neither Dante nor John appeared to notice this.


John stood to join Dante, but Aunt waved him back. “I am sure that what the two of you can show us would be useful, but since Laurel is no where
nowhere
near either of your sizes, why not show her with someone closer to her own size?” Dante looked at Arun, who laughed, as she too was a good head taller than me. “Surely you do not mean for me to fight you, Lizbeth? I cannot bring myself to strike you!” Was Dante’s admission. I noticed that Sarah had a slight smile on her face as her partner,
no comma
raised an eyebrow and asked in a haughty tone….”What makes you think you will land a strike? These leathers did not start out looking as they now do; and I would suggest that you don your own leathers, I do not give out love taps when working out with some one close to my measure!”


Dante turned to John for some sort of help, he was ten and two years of age, well grown and muscled, much taller than the elderly woman standing before him, and well used to using his strength on a regular basis.
Dante was twelve? I hadn't gathered this before.
She might be quite hardy for her age, but he was in no hurry to cause her an injury.


“Why do you look to my nephew, boy, think you he can dissuade me from this venture? Go put on your leathers and get your sword; before you judge me a fool, indulge me a moment.” It appeared to all of us that Dante had little choice; he bowed slightly and ran to the small room where the gear was kept. Running back a few moments later leather pants on, and wood swords under his arm, his leather tunic in his hand. He started to set the wood and tunic down, but Aunt stopped him and asked that he get his steel. “Now I must protest!” He said, with some heat. “Wood is enough to tap with in this bout, do you not agree, Lizbeth?” She grinned, but not in a very nice way, responding. “You are welcome to use the blade of your choice, Sir, I am using my own sword.” She stepped to Sarah, who handed her a silk wrapped scabbard and drew from it a beautiful, old looking blade.

She looked at it fondly and then passed it to Dante to look at. His eyes opened very wide and he was clearly impressed with the craftsmanship, the balance which he tested after flashing Lizbeth a questioning look, and receiving her nod of approval.
that sentence needs a little work; perhaps just a semicolon in place of the comma, perhaps a bit of reordering
His smile was pure delight at the way the Aunt Lizbeth’s sword handled in his hands. “Tis a bit on the light side for me, but I can see that it would be like an extension of the arm for someone of your size and weight. It is a Master’s work I would judge.”


Aunt smiled, pleased that he was able to read the quality of her sword. “You would be correct in that judgment. It twas
'twas is a contraction of "it was", so the first "it is not required
made for me, and as you might imagine from the look of it, it has been used. More successfully than not, as you see me standing here, more often used than I would wish had been needed. Now, will you please stop wasting time and go get your steel, consider for one moment that I may know what I am about here, and let us begin to show Laurel how someone closer to her size might attempt to successfully fight someone of your size?”
sentence too long, too many transitive verbs and too many commas. Needs splitting
Dante bowed and raced back to the armory again. When he returned he had his blade, and asked John to please lace his tunic for him as he wiggled into it. John began lacing the back up tightly, it was made to allow a great deal of movement,
no comma
but the thick leather provided some protection from glancing blows and
comma
if you were quick enough, might stop or hinder a direct stab long enough to evade such.
hat sentence is too long, and is actually two sentences. However, splitting it after "tightly" still leaves a massive descriptive block
Standing so John could tighten up the laces on the back, Dante
bespoke in all haste You knew nothing of this; that she evidently has fought at some point in time?”

“Nay, not a bit of it, not like this. I mean, I know she and Mother were reputed to fight about the house as youngsters, to the point that Grandfather finally had a Salle built at his City House, slightly smaller than the one they had in the country, because they spent a good part of the year in the Capital, but never did Mother say naught
yes, it's within dialogue, but a double negative. "never… say aught", or mother said naught
that Aunt Lizbeth fought as a woman!”
Poor John had no more to offer and sounded as confounded as Dante felt.

“Where the duce could she have fought as a woman? Aside from our own people, who else allows women to fight?” Dante
Dante's; and all that phrase until "moment" should be taken out of italics
mental voice sounded more worried by the moment.
I think I may be in for it, John, that sword has seen blood, it resonates with it, for all it is perfectly clean and well maintained. No doubt that’s why she had it wrapped in the silk, so that Sarah can stand to handle it. How old is Lizbeth?”
Dante asked.

“I don’t know exactly, four and nine? She could be five and four
Still worried about your numbering system but hey! Enough bizarre numbering systems developed over the centuries
or older, Mother has two older sisters and three younger ones, I don’t rightly know which one Lizbeth is, I never thought to ask! Her hair has always been snowy white, I just thought of her as old! Mother is fifty, or maybe five and one, not much help really is it? I’m sorry!”


Auntie had spend
spent
the moments speaking to Laurel, describing what she would be trying to do to compensate for the age and weight difference between her and Dante when Sarah
spoke softly for her ears only….”You are not going to hurt him
comma? maybe even a semicolon?
I know better than that, but don’t hurt his pride too much if you can help it, not before his wife, let her find him fallible in the more timely ways lovers do!”
Lizbeth shrugged a moment and asked Sarah to check her ties for her. Oh, you are such a romantic, this is training!” Sarah’s deft fingers tighten
tightened
up the loose spot and retied the ends.
He is apt, young, male and stronger physically than you are, and I know you love a challenge, but you are romantic too, my love, and he is like a son to all of us, bare
bear
it in mind, Lizbeth….you can prove your point without shredding his confidence!”


Lizbeth turned to her love, she who was gentle and giving in spirit, who had been with her since they were but girls, a true friendship that had grown into a deeper love. You have always been my strength in so many ways, and my conscience in many others. I would be a fool not to heed your wisdom now.” Sarah leaned in and wrapped her arms about her life bonded, leaning down the scant inches to kiss her gently.



Any and all comments greatly appreciated....Thank you in advance for your opinions, wisdom and ideas!

Sorry, clean out of wisdom. Is it my imagination, or is the writing style a little less archaic than previozs examples? (or am I merely getting used to it?) And, if this is the case, is it intended to indicate her growing sophistication, or that you're accepting the more modern flow as coming naturally?
 
chrispenycate said:
no comma why is she "Aunt Lizbeth" elsewhere and Morgan here?
[FONT=&quot]Well, her name is Elizabeth Morgan, but as she is an "elder, lady, and noble" they start out with the proper name use for the time. However, she is also John's Aunt, and a Mage, that creates "family" for all of them. So, I thought rather than stick to the formal, they could grow into using more "comfortable" naming...but maybe it's just confusing if I do that?[/FONT]

nowhere no comma Dante was twelve? Stupid oops number...oh I've lost count! I hadn't gathered this before.

that sentence needs a little work; perhaps just a semicolon in place of the comma, perhaps a bit of reordering
'twas is a contraction of "it was", so the first "it is not required sentence too long, too many transitive verbs and too many commas. Needs splitting no comma comma hat sentence is too long, and is actually two sentences. However, splitting it after "tightly" still leaves a massive descriptive block yes, it's within dialogue, but a double negative. "never… say aught", or mother said naught Dante's; and all that phrase until "moment" should be taken out of italics Yes, this troubled me too...still does, and I have mucked about with it, and probably managed to make it worse than it originally was...I think I'll have to just take it sentence, by sentence to fix it!

Still worried about your numbering system but hey! Enough bizarre numbering systems developed over the centuries
spent [FONT=&quot]You and me both, I've tried to locate some indication of what the correct age numeric verbiage would have been, and have gotten no where fast with it. I'm about ready to bag that concept and just go "modern" for it.[/FONT]

comma? maybe even a semicolon?
tightened bear

Sorry, clean out of wisdom. Is it my imagination, or is the writing style a little less archaic than previozs examples? (or am I merely getting used to it?) And, if this is the case, is it intended to indicate her growing sophistication, or that you're accepting the more modern flow as coming naturally? [FONT=&quot]I think it’s a couple of factors. When Dante and Laurel first meet, they are both very formal, because that was information I was able to find out about in my research. Typically, within the "nobles" a husband and wife (in addition to outsiders/friends) would have conversed with a fairly high degree of "proper speech" in speaking to someone of the opposite sex. But, our little group, while noble in blood and how they were raised, are different to some degree. They break the rules of the time, they're Mages, and the revolt against many of the social clamps that divide the "haves" from the "have nots."[/FONT]

I appreciate your time Chris. I wish some of the other readers would say SOMETHING..lol...even if they have to say "This sucks, because..." at least that would give me some ideas..Then again...maybe they are going by the concept of, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all! Yikes:eek: Well, even if it turns out to be a bore...at least you've helped me so much to be better aware of my worst writing pitfalls...you are very kind to help people this way! Thank you.
 
Hiya Redhawk,

I had a read through this earlier but didn't get a chance to comment. Now it looks like I'm only responding to your prompt but that's not the case. Anyway...

The first thing that struck me about this as I was reading through was that I wasn't sure where the characters were. I don't mean as in location in the world or whatever, I mean where they were all standing in relation to each other. As there also seemed to be a lot of characters involved in the scene this made it slightly difficult to follow. Could just be me.

I like the way you have expressed the clear doubt in Dante by his hesitation to go against Aunt Morgan. While you've worked this well, I am tempted to say it is a little drawn out... if you could quicken it perhaps? Only a suggestion here of course.

I'm not going to comment on the flow of the sentences as I'm sure Chris has picked out all these parts. I'd like to see how this scene is going to finish. Would like to see something unpredictable happen...

Take care, Sparker
 
Sparker said:
Hiya Redhawk,

I had a read through this earlier but didn't get a chance to comment. Now it looks like I'm only responding to your prompt but that's not the case. Anyway...

The first thing that struck me about this as I was reading through was that I wasn't sure where the characters were. I don't mean as in location in the world or whatever, I mean where they were all standing in relation to each other. As there also seemed to be a lot of characters involved in the scene this made it slightly difficult to follow. Could just be me.

I like the way you have expressed the clear doubt in Dante by his hesitation to go against Aunt Morgan. While you've worked this well, I am tempted to say it is a little drawn out... if you could quicken it perhaps? Only a suggestion here of course.

I'm not going to comment on the flow of the sentences as I'm sure Chris has picked out all these parts. I'd like to see how this scene is going to finish. Would like to see something unpredictable happen...

Take care, Sparker

No worries on when you are willing/able to give feedback, I appreciate it too much to care about when it comes along!

I did rather worry that it could be a challenge in someways because this takes place pretty far into the book. There are some earlier bits on here that might help with some understanding on who and where everyone is in relationship to each other.

You did touch on my KEY FEAR and concern. This sucker is turning out a lot longer than I'm fully comfortable with and I'm not sure how to chop it to make it less! :eek: I'm willing to chop, but exactly where and how I'm feeling painfully clueless.

The original story was meant to cover two different time periods (perhaps interwoven by chapters, it then evolved into considering splitting the two time periods into fully separate parts in one book...now..this part has pretty much taken over as a single book, with the second to follow perhaps) The second part is giving me fits as it is the same two main characters (Dante and Laurel) but now they are in current times...and they ain't Dante and Laurel anymore...but Dani and Suzanne...reincarnation being the wily critter it is. (assuming I can overcome the basic "problems" and polish enough to even quiry to publishers...I figure people will either like it or I'll piss a whole lot of people off...if, the sucker flys.) :rolleyes:

Thank you so much for your time and input! I do plan to put the outcome of this chapter on...Poor Dante ;)
 
I figured it was some way into the book so fair enough if that problem has already been addressed.

In a way I'm pleased I've hit your key fear in my critique, means I'm not being way off the mark in commenting on people's work (Critiquing my own critique! Oh dear!) It's tough cutting things out but if I were to offer a suggestion I might aim my cut at the two mini conversations towards the end, only narrow them down though, don't delete them! I think by that time the reader has established the pair are going to fight and most of what's said is perhaps self-explanatory... ignore me if you're in love with those bits!

I'll be honest you've lost me a little with your explanation on time periods within the book but once again that's probably because I've only seen but a snippet of chapter 25! Hehe.

You've said poor Dante... I'd figured he was gonna get whooped...

Regards,
Sparker
 
I'm worried if my posting first leaves others thinking "oh, well, that's done then" The trouble with that is, I'm a plodder, going for the details, not a soarer, getting an overview, so we need some of the style people to give opinions.
Perhaps next section I'll wait a bit longer before posting and hope someone else'll start.
 
chrispenycate said:
I'm worried if my posting first leaves others thinking "oh, well, that's done then" The trouble with that is, I'm a plodder, going for the details, not a soarer, getting an overview, so we need some of the style people to give opinions.
Perhaps next section I'll wait a bit longer before posting and hope someone else'll start.

Oh No! You're my "guts guy" are you kidding...plod to your heart's content please Chris! I keep waiting for you to "smack" me (justifiably so!) with a question as to my mental ability to "get a clue" since, I tend to make the same stupid errors over and over. I must confess to having asked myself more than once, "Self...are you daft?" I'm also thinking maybe sometimes people don't feel comfortable or "knowledgeable enough" to offer a comment. I know when I try to critique on others efforts, I am aware of how much I don't know, and don't want to tell them the wrong thing...it can happen easily enough. So, I try to stick to what I'm pretty sure I do know, like...is it interesting (?) ..does it seem "real"(?) and those sorts of comments.

I can always figure out a way to get more "creative" comments, but your help is the foundation to me, because if you have something to write but don't write it correctly or structurally sound, then it seems to me your "great words" won't likely be read, or appreciated by anyone. As long as you are willing, I'm grateful!
 
Chris, Please do not change your ways! I am totally useless when it comes to commenting on all the marvellous things that you do. I did not mean to cause you offence... I hang my head in shame...

I agree with Redhawk! You the man!
 
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