Witches; The Last Enchantment chap1 wip

[Enadil Moonweaver]

Chapter one: Herb Gathering in Fallen Ridge Forest.

On a hot summer’s day, along the edge of the field, near a narrow winding trail in a lush, green forest beneath a crooked oak tree sat a plain looking girl who was reading contently, she has flaxen hair, bleary blue eyes and a pale complexion.
In her small hands, she holds a red leather book with the words “Grimoire” written in scrawling script on the front covers. The child, lifting her head turned and saw a bubble who was whispering, not being able to hear it clearly the girl got up and walked towards a small floating bubble that was floating near the edge of the crooked oak.
“Norman, what are you doing here?” Asked the girl, with one hand placed on her hip, “Flora is going to be worried about you.”
The bubble, she had addressed as Norman, expanded and shrank taking in breaths of air as he spoke. “Arayne, you are supposed to be collecting herbs, not reading spells again.” Arayne placing a hand on her forehead she groaned “Don’t tell me Flora sent you to watch me.”
Norman quivered as if laughing, “Only to see if you were getting the job done. Flora needs those herbs for a healing potion.”
Arayne sighed heavily, “Fine then Norman you come with me.” Both the girl and the bubble headed off the trail and wandered into Fallen Ridge Forest.
Humming to herself, Arayne began collecting comfrey, lavender, sage, sandalwood and rosemary among a few other herbs.
Norman remembering another plant whistled to Arayne who stopped what she was doing, “We need to get some willow bark.”
Arayne groaned again, “Willow bark? But that grows by River Hallian that‘s a whole mile from here!”
Norman quivered making a soft chuckling sound, “That is why you should have been gathering herbs and not reading spells.”
Arayne and Norman walked along the dirt trail heading to River Hallian.
Deep into the woods on the trail both Arayne and Norman heard chopping sounds echoing off the trees. The girl and the bubble caught each other’s gaze for a moment before deciding to follow the sounds. Coming across a clearing in the forest the pair found a hobgoblin chopping away at a tree.
“Fiddlesticks, I don’t understand how humans get wood using these things.”
Dropping the axe to the ground the hobgoblin took out a bag and sprinkled fine dust around the tree. In a matter of minutes the tree turned to finely chopped logs just small enough for one of the hobgoblin’s stature to carry.


I'm looking for any and all critiques comments too.

 

[Saltheart]

You might want to correct your grammer, and you seem to be using a lot of modifiers: try replacing them with verbs and nouns instead, when possible. Also you seem to be jumping from past tense to present, and it's sorta confusing and should be fixed (unless that's the effect you're going for).

Chapter One: Herb Gathering in Fallen Ridge Forest.

On a hot summer’s day, along the edge of the field, near a narrow winding trail of a forest, and beneath a crooked oak tree sat a plain looking girl who was reading contently. She had flaxen hair, bleary blue eyes and a pale complexion.

You tend too describe a little too much there: at that point it time, does it matter whether the forest is lush or not? And I assume the forests in your story are green, so describing its color is unnecessary, because the sentence is already too long just establishing the position of said object. Also I would have removed the modifiers when you described her features because they seem unecessary, but I left it there for you to decide.

In her small hands, she held a red leather book with the word “Grimoire” written in scrawling script on the front covers. The child, lifting her head, turned and saw a bubble who was whispering from nearby the oak. Not being able to hear it, the girl got up and walked towards the small floating bubble.

I don't know about this passage; it seems a little off, like we are missing some details here. The bubble was always there, or did the bubble just come? Try to rewrite it, if you want to. Maybe replace bubble with Norman and readers can feel that the bubble is a character rather than an object, and let descriptions take over and explain later that it is a bubble?

“Norman, what are you doing here?” asked the girl, with one hand placed on her hip. “Flora is going to be worried about you.”

The bubble expanded and shrank, taking in breaths of air as it spoke: “Arayne, you are supposed to be collecting herbs, not reading spells again.”

Arayne placed a hand on her forehead and groaned. “Don’t tell me Flora sent you to watch me.”

Norman quivered as if laughing (add something here explaining why it didn't/couldn't laugh, otherwise scrape out "as if laughing"). “Only to see if you were getting the job done. Flora needs those herbs for a healing potion.”

Arayne sighed. “Fine then. Norman, you come with me.” Both the girl and the bubble headed off the trail and wandered into Fallen Ridge Forest.

Humming to herself, Arayne began collecting comfrey, lavender, sage, sandalwood and rosemary among a few other herbs.

Norman, remembering another plant, whistled to Arayne, who stopped what she was doing. “We need to get some willow bark,” he said.

Arayne groaned. “Willow bark? But that grows by River Hallian, and it's a whole mile from here!”

Norman quivered, finding humour in a situation with hardly any. “That is why you should have been gathering herbs and not reading spells.”

Arayne and Norman walked along the dirt trail heading to River Hallian. Along the trail, they both heard chopping of trees echoing from deep inside the woods. The girl and the bubble caught each other’s hesitant gaze (bubbles have eyes?) before deciding to follow the sounds. Coming across a clearing in the forest, the pair found a hobgoblin chopping away at a tree.

“Fiddlesticks, I don’t understand how humans get wood using these things.”
Dropping the axe to the ground, the hobgoblin took out a bag and sprinkled fine dust around ("along", maybe?) the (bark of the) tree. In a matter of minutes, the tree turned to finely chopped logs just small enough for one of the hobgoblin’s stature to carry.

Just edit a few things so its gammer is good, and don't forget to describe important details. Also use less adjectives and adverbs, if possible. All in all, I would say it's better than a lot of beginner writing I've seen, so keep it coming.

 

[Enadil Moonweaver]

Thank you, I was originally going for a Narrative style. I had also intended it to be a young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for the corrections ^_^ And yea Norman has eyes. ^_^ Muchly appreciated.

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm sorry if some of my remarks duplicate some from the previous critiquer, but it's easier for me to plough in from the beginning than keep checking back if I'm applying overkill

Chapter one: Herb Gathering in Fallen Ridge Forest.

On a hot summer’s day, along the edge of the field, near a narrow winding trail in a lush, green forest beneath a crooked oak tree sat a plain looking girl who was reading contently,

contentedly?

she has

had

flaxen hair, bleary blue eyes and a pale complexion.
In her small hands, she holds

held

a red leather book with the words “Grimoire” written in scrawling script on the front covers.

normally, a book will only have one front cover

The child, lifting her head

comma

turned and saw a bubble who

normally, a bubble would be "which". Yes, I'm aware this one's sentient, but…

was whispering,

full stop

not being able to hear it clearly the girl got up and walked towards a small floating bubble that was floating near the edge of the crooked oak.

two "floating"s, "a small floating bubble" when you've just mentioned the thing is whispering, respecifying the crookedness of the oak tree; suffering seriously from repetion here, without any real need for reinforcement

“Norman, what are you doing here?” Asked the girl, with one hand placed on her hip, “Flora is going to be worried about you.”
The bubble,

no comma

she had addressed as Norman, expanded and shrank taking in breaths of air as he spoke. “Arayne, you are supposed to be collecting herbs, not reading spells again.” Arayne placing a hand on her forehead she groaned

we could just put commas around "placing a hand on her forehead" and treat it as a subordinate phrase, but I think it'd be more effective to move the "Arayne" before the "groaned" (replacing the "she")

“Don’t tell me Flora sent you to watch me.”
Norman quivered as if laughing, “Only to see if you were getting the job done. Flora needs those herbs for a healing potion.”
Arayne sighed heavily, “Fine then

comma

Norman

comma

you come with me.” Both the girl and the bubble headed off the trail and wandered into Fallen Ridge Forest.
Humming to herself, Arayne began collecting comfrey, lavender, sage, sandalwood and rosemary among a few other herbs.

be very careful when specifying herbs and location. Lavender and rosemary won't grow in a forest, while salvias (sages) only grow on the edges.

Norman

comma

remembering another plant

comma

whistled to Arayne who stopped what she was doing, “We need to get some willow bark.”
Arayne groaned again, “Willow bark? But that grows by River Hallian

semicolon

that‘s a whole mile from here!”
Norman quivered

comma

making a soft chuckling sound, “That is why you should have been gathering herbs and not reading spells.”
Arayne and Norman walked

how does a bubble walk?

along the dirt trail heading to River Hallian.
Deep into the woods on the trail

I don't think the woods are on the trail; simplify

both Arayne and Norman heard chopping sounds echoing off the trees. The girl and the bubble caught each other’s gaze for a moment before deciding to follow the sounds. Coming across a clearing in the forest the pair found a hobgoblin chopping away at a tree.
“Fiddlesticks, I don’t understand how humans get wood using these things.”
Dropping the axe to the ground the hobgoblin took out a bag and sprinkled fine dust around the tree. In a matter of minutes the tree turned to finely chopped logs just small enough for one of the hobgoblin’s stature to carry.


I'm looking for any and all critiques comments too.

 

[Enadil Moonweaver]

Hrm thank you ^_^ i'll be adjusting the story and correcting the mistakes, i have trouble with punctuation, tenses and grammar

 

[Sparker]

Hiya Enadil,

Some nice ideas in here. Just one comment from me as the grammar and tense situation has already been discussed. I thought you may want to alter the part where you introduce the Hobgoblin.

'the pair found a hobgoblin'

Did they find him or just see him? Perhaps expand this a little. Are your characters likely to avoid this new creature or walk right upto him? You might want to build upto the hobgoblins speech a bit as well because his words seemed to come out of nowhere.

Love the bubble idea, regards,
Sparker

 

[Enadil Moonweaver]

^_^ Thanks Norman is meant to be a comic relief character.

Hrm I guess I could rewrite the part where i introduce Sir Liene Mudwater goblin knight of the goblin kingdom, There is a goblin kingdom in almost all the fantasy stories, but unlike most i made it where there are good goblins and bad goblins. ^_^