Story idea - Kincaid the Vampire

[Hawkshaw_245]

I'm not sure if this fits here. Since it's not a full chapter or excerpt, I didn't put it in the Critique Section.

I've been kicking around ideas for a modern-day vampire story. I need some input and commentary.

Nick Kincaid is a Newborn, in vampire society. Only 15 years ago, he was a mortal, a mundane human like the rest of us. After he was turned, he reluctantly accepted the fact he was a bloodsucking creature of the night. But he rejected the vampiric lifestyle.

Unlike the stereotypical Gothic vampires of old, he doesn't live in a castle in a remote part of the world. Nor does he have a fortune to maintain it. Kincaid must (GASP!!) work for a living. Even the undead have bills to pay. And when you can only work nights, that's not easy.

He shares an apartment with Baxter, an old friend. Baxter is not only his faithful sidekick and beer buddy, but was enthralled by Kincaid in an act of mercy, some years ago.

Kincaid pursues human women, too. Of course, that presents problems, too.

All is well, relatively speaking, until two things happen.

First off, he kills his greedy, profit-skimming boss in a heated altercation.
Second, his old sire, the mad Charlemagne, reappears after a long absence, looking to bring him back into the fold.

Something's missing. The basic premise sounds great, but the story itself seems blech! I welcome comments and input.

 

[Hawkshaw_245]

Please delete this post. It's in the wrong section. I meant to put it in the Critiques.

 

[Beaker]

There is a danger a story like this would start to have some similarities to "buffy the vampire slayer" storylines.

The basic storyline is OK and would probably develop into something better if you put a lot more into character development, Kincaid's thoughts and feelings, past life, how he feels about becoming a vampire, the process itself.
How does he feel during and after his mad moment killing the boss etc.
What will he have to loose when Charlemagne returns, presumably he has re-built a life for himself, what is in it he would not want to loose and must fight to keep?

I think if there was more detail in character backgrounds beyond what you actually write into the story, the story line may in part write itself.