First Daft

[Tim Riggers]

This story has never been seen by anyone outside of my house. This is only the beginning. Do as your heart commands.



[FONT=Times New Roman, serif][FONT=Old English Text MT, cursive]PRELUDE[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“I have been here before,” the old man whispered to himself.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]His last memory was of getting into his own bed after a particularly difficult day. How was it that the closer he neared his personal victories the more they seemed to lose meaning? He had waited a number of years for this triumph that was so near at hand, only to realize that it brought with it a change that nobody, including himself, could have foreseen.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“This is what I get for making a deal with the Devil, “ he muttered. “More than one, actually.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The man found himself seated at a small conference table. Due to the dim lighting in the room he could not quite see the other person who occupied to seat directly across from him.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“So, they have brought you here, also,” said the second man. The man's accent was thick and guttural, just like his native tongue. He was smaller than the older man, with dark hair turning rapidly to gray. His hypnotic gaze lingered on the old man for a moment longer before he began looking at their surroundings.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Familiar, is it not, my old adversary?” the second man asked with a smile. “It seems our number has somewhat diminished since our last visit here. Perhaps our friend has brought us here to finish the job.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“ I wish he would finish you off, “ the old man said, his voice filled with contempt. “The very sight of you fills me with loathing.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The smaller man began to laugh loudly. When he finished he smiled at the other. “It is most refreshing to hear someone speak what they truly mean. It grows tiresome when the people under you do nothing but kiss your ass.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Spoken like a true gentleman, “ the old man said sarcastically. “It appears that your manners have not improved since our last visit to this place.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The small man was about to make a retort when the door to the room opened. The man who entered through that doorway could be described truly as a warrior. This man exuded power and energy. He glanced at the two men as he strode to the other vacant chair at the table. As he seated himself, the lighting in the room grew brighter. He gave each of the other two men a long stare.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"You two," he began without preamble, "Have caused me more problems than any other two men I have dealt with in a very long time. I only asked one thing from each of you when I brought the five of you here last time. Each of you gave me your word that the agreement would be adhered to". Now I have to sort out the mess created by your actions. "[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"I was given little choice," pleaded the dak-haired man. "My people were attacked. We only did what we had to to survive."[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"An attack that you deliberately provoked!" shouted the warrior as he rose from his chair. "You knew what would happen if you goaded that creature too much. Of course he sent his army against you. But insted of informing me, as you agreed to, you chose to make the matter an act of revenge. You are lucky I let you live at all." The warrior sat down once more and pointed at the old man. "At least he told me what his intentions were before he acted upon them. I grow extremely tired of this sort of behavior. I outlined my plan to you and everyone agreed to it."[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"But..." stammered te small man.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The warrior held up a hand to silence him, then he continued.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Know this, Gentlemen,” he warned. “I have already had three of you killed for violating the original agreement. Your bickering has set this plan back at least ten of your years.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]He rose from his chair and began to walk slowly around the table. After a few minutes he finally continued.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Here is what we shall do. I have been summoned elsewhere. I have decided to leave to your own devices for a time. But be warned, I will return. If the death of the others did not get your attention then you are far more foolish than you appear. Uphold your end of the bargain and I will make you more powerful than you can imagine. Fail me and you will wish you had died at a young age!”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]With this the dark-haired man disappeared, momentarily leaving the old one with the warrior alone.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“I fear that you are about to lose power within your own nation, “ said the warrior. “ But fear not, my friend. Your time will come again. We are not so different, you and I. And we will meet again. Take care of yourself in the meantime.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The old man came awake with a start. He looked around the room and realized he was at home.”Had it all been a dream?” he wondered.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]No....[/FONT]



​

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]1[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]An absolute void, thought the man to himself as he looked out of the viewport of his star cruiser. There Isn't a sign of anything in this area. A complete and utter calm, like the eye of the fierce storms that occasionally rolled over the continent on the homeworld. The man wore the collar devices of a Junior-grade Captain of the Dardonian Star fleet. He had recently received his first full command, a Gamma class cruiser. [/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Gamma class vessels were listening ships, which were assigned to patrol the far-flung reaches of the Dardonian empire. They were considered to be the fleet's early warning system in the case of an invasion. This particular cruiser, the Sentinel, patrolled the border near the Adraxian Spiral Nebula, the most desolate area of the galaxy. It had been on station in this area for two weeks, and was due to visit eight more quadrants prior to returning to base.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The captain continued his musings. One more sensor sweep of the area and the ship would be ready to move on to the next quadrant. As he continued to look out at the void a junior officer approach. The man stopped in front of his captain and came to attention.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Captain Raylegg,” the officer said. “We just picked up a strange homing signal that I think you should hear.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The captain turned smartly on the heel of his black officer's boot and followed the man to the sensor station of the ship's bridge. Officers are getting younger and younger every year, the captain thought to himself. The officer indicated one of the viewscreens.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“This is the area it is coming from,” the man said as he pushed a switch to the side of the screen. “The signal itself is faint, but it is there. We've attempted to enhance it, but we're not sure what it is.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Have you determined an origin of the signal, yet?” asked the captain.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“No sir, just an area,” answered the sensor officer.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]He paused for a moment as he looked at the captain.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Sir, I've never heard a signal like this before. It is binary in nature. It sounds very archaic. Almost like something I should know.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Raylegg concentrated on the sound. After a minute he paused and looked at the screen thoughtfully.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Are you positive about this signal, Lieutenant?”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Yes sir, I am,” said the man.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The captain looked at the screen for a moment longer, then turned and began walking toward the door to the bridge lift.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Lieutenant Erics, priority message to Admiral Tarran at fleet command. I request an audience with him. I'll take it in my chambers. And keep attempting to enhance that signal.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The crew snapped to attention as the captain entered the lift and the doors closed. He rode the lift down four levels to where his chambers were located.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Could this be it?” he muttered softly.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]As he entered his quarters he saw that a red light was flashing on his computer. He stopped in front of the computer and composed his thoughts. He then pressed a button on the monitor and the Dardonian fleet emblem appeared. After a brief time the face of an elderly officer appeared.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“What may I do for you, Captain?” asked Admiral Tarran in a fatherly voice.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Admiral, I believe we have picked up the Osires signal, “ Raylegg simply stated. [/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The admiral remained silent but his eyes narrowed briefly. This piece of information had taken him by surprise.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“When?” asked Tarran.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Less than one standard hour ago, sir. We haven't isolated the origin, but we know the direction it is coming from”, said Raylegg.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Tarran said nothing for a full minute as he looked away from the screen.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]You're positive of the signal?” he asked.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]I am. Shall I transmit a copy of it to you ?” inquired Raylegg.[/FONT]


“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]No, you shall bring it to me. Return to your bridge and follow the coordinates I am sending you. I shall meet you there in four days. ”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]As Raylegg returned to the bridge the navigation officer approached.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Sir, are these coordinates correct?” the man asked.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“They are,” Raylegg answered.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Begging your pardon, sir, but why are we going to the Stormbringer?”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“The Stormbringer!” the captain exclaimed. The Stormbringer was one of the fleet's flagships, one of the mightiest ships in the empire. What was Tarran doing on Lord Admiral Jarron's flagship? And why was the Osires signal so important?[/FONT]​

 

[Tim Riggers]

I E First Draft

 

[dustinzgirl]

There is a lot of action, which is good, but during the conversations I have no idea where they are or what is going on. I would add a bit more description to off set the action. Not so much that it is boring, but a few sentences here and there. Does the Captain turn snarling when interrupted from mumbling to himself, then look apologetic or stoic? Anyways, im not good at crits on stories but thats my first impression is that there is a lot going on, but you don't uh, ground the action for lack of a better term.

 

[Tim Riggers]

The section titled Prelude is intended to be vague. There are two more sections titled Interlude and Soliloquy that make the characters involved become less vague.

I will work on correcting 1. Again this is a work in progress.

Thank you for your input.

TR

 

[Cloud]

is the thread title a Freudian slip?

 

[mosaix]

Tim,

As far as the story goes, I like it and want to know more - always a good start.

As far as writing style is concerned I have picked on one paragraph to try and illustrate a point.

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"As he entered his quarters he saw that a red light was flashing on his computer. He stopped in front of the computer and composed his thoughts. He then pressed a button on the monitor and the Dardonian fleet emblem appeared. After a brief time the face of an elderly officer appeared."

This reads like a TV script rather than a story. It doesn't flow enough and just seems to be a set of actions or directions. Also try and avoid such terms as "monitor". Today's terminology can date quickly.

"He entered his quarters to find a message alert was waiting for him. He composed his thoughts for a second or two before acknowledging it. The Dardonian Fleet emblem appeared on a display followed briefly by the face of an elderly officer."

This is by no means perfect but what I am trying to say here is that you don't have to spell everything out for the reader, leave something to their imagination.

Flasing red lights, computers, pressing buttons and monitors are too explicit and too much 'of our time' for a science fiction story.





[/FONT]

 

[Tim Riggers]

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thanks also for the comments. More of the story to follow.

TR

 

[HoopyFrood]

is the thread title a Freudian slip?

Isn't it strange how you don't even notice these things until some observant person points them out! Even when you mentioned it, it still took me a moment to notice it!

 

[Off-worlder]

I too want to know what happens next, what does happen next?

Though I will probably miss a lot of gramma mistakes. I will offer my worth on some points that, in my opinion, may exist.

This is my first crit so let me know if its too much.

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]
Flasing red lights, computers, pressing buttons and monitors are too explicit and too much 'of our time' for a science fiction story.[/FONT]

I agree with this, it gives the impression that its from a while ago and is trying to sound futuristic. Supplement monitor with view(or Vu) screen and he opened the comm link rather than he pressed a button.

1 - [FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“I have been here before,” the old man whispered to himself.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]His last memory was of getting into his own bed - Seems like he is stating the obvious here. Maybe he should have a fuzzy memory of being there before?

2 [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“This is what I get for making a deal with the Devil, “ he muttered. “More than one, actually.” - More than one what? Devil or deal?

3 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The man found himself seated at a small conference table - Would this be better as a large or larger conference table. The empty seats could press home that others are in fact missing, even though we do not know why at this point. And the dim light would play more of a part. Not being able to see someone across a small table makes the room appear near blacked-out as opposed to dim. Actually, I think I would change dim lighting to low lighting. That way you could describe the old mans eyesight as being dim, this is what prevented him from recognising the man across the table?

4 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“So, they have brought you here, also - I know you mean the devil character here, but after this statement, indicating plural, they have brought, it shifts to singular, he, our friend, etc.

5 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]he strode to the other vacant chair at the table. As he seated himself, - Mean or nasty people tend to remain standing when berating others. The height advantage gives them more a sense of authority.

6 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]He had recently received his first full command, a Gamma class cruiser. - Maybe ... His first full command, the Gamma class cruiser, [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Sentinel[/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]

7- [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Gamma class vessels were listening ships, which were assigned to patrol the far-flung reaches - try removing the which were.. so [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Gamma class vessels were listening ships, assigned to patrol the far-flung reaches...[/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]

8 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]They were considered to be the fleet's - Do you need the - considered to be[/FONT] - ?

9 -[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]and was due to visit eight more quadrants prior to returning to base. - I always thought quadrants denoted a quarter of a galaxy? Maybe this should be sectors?

10 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]As he continued to look out at the void a junior officer approached. The man stopped in front of his captain and came to attention. - Earlier you said he was looking out of a portal, that would denote a small glass window which I think he would need to be pretty close to, to look out of. How could the junior officer get in front of him? Plus my idea is a junior officer would not interupt he Captains field of vision, but more make his presence known and wait until addressed. Also, I do not think he would call the Captain by name, I think Captain would suffice.

11 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]We just picked up a strange homing signal - A few lines later the officer says he does not know what it is? How does he know its a homing signal? Maybe they could pass it through the computer a few times? And I think the Captain should ask if it is repetative and so forth (To try to determine if its an SOS)

12 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Lieutenant Erics, priority message to Admiral Tarran at fleet command. I request an audience with him. I'll take it in my chambers. And keep attempting to enhance that signal.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The crew snapped to attention as the captain entered the lift and the doors closed. He rode the lift down four levels to where his chambers were located. - I think it would be quite rude to keep a senior officer waiting on a comm channel. Maybe he should issue the command when already in his quarters, or make his quarters closer to the bridge.

13 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“What may I do for you, Captain?” asked Admiral Tarran in a fatherly voice - To me, the Admirals tone smacks of irritation, maybe he does not like this Captain and hates being bothered by him?

14 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Sir, are these coordinates correct?” the man asked.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“They are,” Raylegg answered.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“Begging your pardon, sir, but why are we going to the Stormbringer?” - I am guessing no one told the navigation officer they were en route to the Stormbringer, so how did he know? Why would he need to know? I do not think a junior officer would question the Captain like this. Traditionally, only an Executive officer (XO or number one) has the right to know what the Captain knows.

15 - [/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]The Stormbringer was one of the fleet's flagships, - Do not fleets only have one flag ship?


I am in no way ripping your story apart, but merely offering some points I Hope you find of use. Points that distract me when reading.

Please feel free to crit my crit

And what does happen next?
[/FONT]

 

[The Pelagic Argosy]

Let me start by pointing out what I like. You do dialogue very well. It flows very naturally, even the somewhat formal dialogue between the captain and the officer.

You're also doing something right in the suspence department, because I also want to find out what happens next.

But I think you need to pad this out with more description.

First the Prologue: A non-descript conference room is kind of a dull setting. Maybe you could think of a more interesting locale for this exchange to take place? If it must be a conference room, it doesn't necessarily have to be dimly lit. Maybe there's a window overlooking something interesting: a city-scape...or maybe the conference room is on a space ship, and they could be looking out at the nebula. Or maybe there is an ugly painting of the "president" or whoever the leader is in your world.

The old man and the smaller man. How are they dressed? Do they normally carry weapons or something else interesting with them? This would probably be a reflection of whatever they do when they are not arguing with each other.

Also, I think it would be more exciting if, instead of sitting, they were getting in each others faces, nearly coming to blows. If they carry weapons, they could brandish them. Since we don't know what they are arguing about, it would at least give the readers something interesting to watch.

"The man who entered through the doorway could be described truly as a warrior. This man exuded power and energy."

This is telling, not showing. What is a true warrior in your story? For instance, how is he dressed? A uniform of some kind? Does he carry an intimidating weapon? Does he slam the door behind him? Take long strides? Does he push a chair out of his way? Is his expression angry or firmly resolute? Does he point at the other two guys with his finger as he berates them? Or maybe he rests his hand on that intimidating weapon.

I know this intro is intended to be a vague "teaser." But you want the situation to be vague, not the description of it. It has to grab the reader's attention. I think more action is called for.

The first chapter: To be sure, it's hard to describe the void of space. Maybe, as the captain is looking out at it, it reminds him of gazing into night sky as a child. This could either be a fond memory (maybe it inspired him to be a captain in the first place) or an intimidating memory.

Speaking of the captain, you said this was his first assignment. Does he think being on patrol is beneath him? Is he eager for more action? Or is he relieved to be on a peaceful mission? Does he enjoy the serenity?

You said he wears "collar devices." What do these look like? What does his uniform look like otherwise?

The spaceship: Is it large and spacious? Or more cramped, like a submarine? You wouldn't want to say it's "spacious" or "cramped" though. (That would be telling again.) How did the captain and officer walk to the bridge, for instance? Did they step into a large, well-lit hallway? (With "whoosh-whoosh" doors like in Star Trek.) But if the ship is cramped, they would be forced to walk single file, and duck beneath doorways that are not quite tall enough.

When he learns of the signal, is he nervous or excited to tell the Admiral? You said he needed to compose his thoughts, but I don't have a sense of what these thoughts are. If he's nervous, maybe his finger would tremble as he pushed the buttons. Or his voice would crack embarassingly as he was talking. Or maybe learning of this signal is the bit of excitement he was craving.

To summarize, I feel like I need to "see" where I am a little better as I'm reading. I also don't have a good enough sense of the motivations of the characters.

 

[chrispenycate]

Actually, I quite liked the first title (draws himself a beer - first draught)

PRELUDE


“I have been here before,” the old man whispered to himself.


His last memory was of getting into his own bed after a particularly difficult day. How was it that the closer he neared

don’t need “closer“ and “neared“. As you use “near at hand“ just after, I’d suggest something like “the closer he approached“

his personal victories the more they seemed to lose meaning? He had waited a number of years

Personally, I find “a number of“ a bit luke warm

for this triumph that was so near at hand, only to realize that it brought with it a change that nobody, including himself, could have foreseen.

“This is what I get for making a deal with the Devil, “ he muttered. “More than one, actually.”


The man found himself seated at a small conference table. Due to the dim lighting in the room he could not quite see the other person who occupied to seat directly across from him.


“So, they have brought you here, also,” said the second man. The man's accent was thick and guttural, just like his native tongue. He was smaller than the older man, with dark hair turning rapidly to gray. His hypnotic gaze lingered on the old man for a moment longer before he began looking at their surroundings.


“Familiar, is it not, my old adversary?” the second man asked with a smile. “It seems our number has somewhat diminished since our last visit here. Perhaps our friend has brought us here to finish the job.”


“ I wish he would finish you off, “ the old man said, his voice filled with contempt. “The very sight of you fills me with loathing.”


The smaller man began to laugh loudly. When he finished he smiled at the other. “It is most refreshing to hear someone speak what they truly mean. It grows tiresome when the people under you do nothing but kiss your ass.”


“Spoken like a true gentleman, “ the old man said sarcastically. “It appears that your manners have not improved since our last visit to this place.”


The small man was about to make a retort when the door to the room opened. The man who entered through that doorway could be described truly as a warrior. This man exuded power and energy. He glanced at the two men as he strode to the other vacant chair at the table. As he seated himself, the lighting in the room grew brighter. He gave each of the other two men a long stare.

Too many repetitions of “man“,“men“

"You two," he began without preamble, "Have caused me more problems than any other two men I have dealt with in a very long time.

again, luke warm. He could be more dramatic, without losing his detachment

I only asked one thing from each of you when I brought the five of you here last time. Each of you gave me your word that the agreement would be adhered to". Now I have to sort out the mess created by your actions. "


"I was given little choice," pleaded the dak-haired

dark-haired

man. "My people were attacked. We only did what we had to to survive."


"An attack that you deliberately provoked!" shouted the warrior as he rose from his chair. "You knew what would happen if you goaded that creature too much. Of course he sent his army against you. But insted of informing me, as you agreed to, you chose to make the matter an act of revenge. You are lucky I let you live at all." The warrior sat down once more and pointed at the old man. "At least he told me what his intentions were before he acted upon them. I grow extremely tired of this sort of behavior. I outlined my plan to you and everyone agreed to it."


"But..." stammered te small man.


The warrior held up a hand to silence him, then he continued.


“Know this, Gentlemen,” he warned. “I have already had three of you killed for violating the original agreement. Your bickering has set this plan back at least ten of your years.”


He rose from his chair and began to walk slowly around the table. After a few minutes he finally continued.


“Here is what we shall do. I have been summoned elsewhere. I have decided to leave to your own devices for a time. But be warned, I will return. If the death of the others did not get your attention then you are far more foolish than you appear. Uphold your end of the bargain and I will make you more powerful than you can imagine. Fail me and you will wish you had died at a young age!”

The “with this“ suggests that it was the dark haired man who’d just finished speaking, and also, that he had some say in his disappearance

With this the dark-haired man disappeared, momentarily leaving the old one with the warrior alone.


“I fear that you are about to lose power within your own nation, “ said the warrior. “ But fear not, my friend. Your time will come again. We are not so different, you and I. And we will meet again. Take care of yourself in the meantime.”


The old man came awake with a start. He looked around the room and realized he was at home.”Had it all been a dream?” he wondered.

No....

The dialogue is clumsy, as if they didn’t speak english as a first language (doubtless true of the shorter man) Was this effect intended, or should I point out specific points ?

1

An absolute void, thought the man to himself as he looked out of the viewport of his star cruiser. There Isn't a sign of anything in this area. A complete and utter calm, like the eye of the fierce storms that occasionally rolled over the continent on the homeworld. The man wore the collar devices of a Junior-grade Captain of the Dardonian Star fleet. He had recently received his first full command, a Gamma class cruiser.


Gamma class vessels were listening ships, which were assigned to patrol the far-flung reaches of the Dardonian empire. They were considered to be the fleet's early warning system in the case of an invasion. This particular cruiser, the Sentinel, patrolled the border near the Adraxian Spiral Nebula, the most desolate area of the galaxy. It had been on station in this area for two weeks, and was due to visit eight more quadrants prior to returning to base.


The captain continued his musings. One more sensor sweep of the area and the ship would be ready to move on to the next quadrant. As he continued to look out at the void a junior officer approach. The man stopped in front of his captain and came to attention.


“Captain Raylegg,” the officer said. “We just picked up a strange homing signal that I think you should hear.”


The captain turned smartly on the heel of his black officer's boot and followed the man to the sensor station of the ship's bridge. Officers are getting younger and younger every year, the captain thought to himself. The officer indicated one of the viewscreens.


“This is the area it is coming from,” the man said as he pushed a switch to the side of the screen. “The signal itself is faint, but it is there. We've attempted to enhance it, but we're not sure what it is.”


“Have you determined an origin of the signal, yet?” asked the captain.


“No sir, just an area,” answered the sensor officer.
He paused for a moment as he looked at the captain.
“Sir, I've never heard a signal like this before. It is binary in nature.

binary coding gives optimal information density, and no matter how many parallel data channels etc become available, will be entirety oudated in high noise situations. However, listening to it (even at lowtransmission rates, is unlikely to give you much information

It sounds very archaic. Almost like something I should know.”


Raylegg concentrated on the sound. After a minute he paused and looked at the screen thoughtfully.


“Are you positive about this signal, Lieutenant?”


“Yes sir, I am,” said the man.


The captain looked at the screen for a moment longer, then turned and began walking toward the door to the bridge lift.


“Lieutenant Erics, priority message to Admiral Tarran at fleet command. I request an audience with him. I'll take it in my chambers. And keep attempting to enhance that signal.”
The crew snapped to attention as the captain entered the lift and the doors closed. He rode the lift down four levels to where his chambers were located.


“Could this be it?” he muttered softly.


As he entered his quarters he saw that a red light was flashing on his computer. He stopped in front of the computer and composed his thoughts. He then pressed a button on the monitor and the Dardonian fleet emblem appeared. After a brief time the face of an elderly officer appeared.

repetition of “computer“, repetition of “appeared“

“What may I do for you, Captain?” asked Admiral Tarran in a fatherly voice.


“Admiral, I believe we have picked up the Osires signal, “ Raylegg simply stated.


The admiral remained silent but his eyes narrowed briefly. This piece of information had taken him by surprise.


“When?” asked Tarran.


“Less than one standard hour ago, sir. We haven't isolated the origin, but we know the direction it is coming from”, said Raylegg.


Tarran said nothing for a full minute as he looked away from the screen.


“You're positive of the signal?” he asked.


“I am. Shall I transmit a copy of it to you ?” inquired Raylegg.


“No, you shall bring it to me. Return to your bridge and follow the coordinates I am sending you. I shall meet you there in four days. ”


As Raylegg returned to the bridge the navigation officer approached.


“Sir, are these coordinates correct?” the man asked.


“They are,” Raylegg answered.


“Begging your pardon, sir, but why are we going to the Stormbringer?”


“The Stormbringer!” the captain exclaimed. The Stormbringer was one of the fleet's flagships,

can a fleet have more than one flagship?

one of the mightiest ships in the empire. What was Tarran doing on Lord Admiral Jarron's flagship? And why was the Osires signal so important?