The Lorimer Trials - part rewrite

[Baker]

I have tried to get the punctuation right. Please comment on this part re-write of the opening scene: (main change is insertion of first paragraph).

* * *

He could hear the heartbeat of the other man standing just inside the door of his room; an internal room buried deep within the mammoth structure of the Central District. Accessed from only one point, it was protected by unseen measures as was the room before, as were the countless rooms that had to be traversed to reach this particular room. With no windows; ventilation came from an exclusive system for this room only; artificial light was supplied by scinten bars recessed in the top of the walls; they were dimmed now, spreading a simmering orange haze to cloud over the ceiling bathing the wooden clad walls in a molten brown. The room was dominated by a single large desk; a chair, facing the rear wall, its occupant still as a statue, only noticeable by the top of his head protruding above the backrest. No chairs for visitors; they were not welcome, especially under these circumstances.

“What shall be your response sir?”

“…”

“Silence will only aggravate them fur-“

“Regrettably, I need not be reminded. I am still formulating a response.” With a frustrated sigh the headmaster turned in his chair to face his secretary. Why did he have to get pestered so early on a Monday morning? He leaned back, drawing in the calming aroma of the new leather; nothing like the smell of new leather he mused. “Couldn’t you get rid of him Hayward?” It was a rhetorical question.

“You know I have tried already s-.” Hayward swallowed his last word at the glare he received from the headmaster.

“Imbecile.” If Hayward was even dreaming he had the ability to handle a delegate from Galkato, he was delusional, it wasn’t the first time he had had to re-educate the man but he was himself reminded of the small thread that kept him from dismissing the man from service; not a thread of finest silk but one of strongest steel.

* * *

 

[Keri]

* * *

He could hear the heartbeat of the other man standing just inside the door of his room; an internal room buried deep within the mammothstructure of the Central District.

I'm struggling with the hearing the heartbeat phrase. It's a dynamic beginning but not sure it really fits the persona I see later. It leads you to believe he's a supernatural or vampire and that doesnt seem to fit or maybe its too much information now. Maybe hear his heavy breathing?

mammoth structure would be two words I believe.

Accessed from only one point, it was protected by unseen measures as was the room before, as were the countless rooms that had to be traversed to reach this particular room. With no windows; ventilation came from an exclusive system for this room only; artificial light was supplied by scinten bars recessed in the top of the walls; they were dimmed now, spreading a simmering orange haze to cloud over the ceiling bathing the wooden clad walls in a molten brown.

This whole paragraph is slightly more confusing then detail for me. I think maybe its the numerous repetition of the word room.

I would have kept it a bit simpler perhaps: "Security was high to reach the central chamber and there was one way in and he liked it that way. He'd taken extra care to make sure it was well ventilated and put in special scinten bars recessed in the top of the walls just last week, they were dim now but their orange glow bathed the wooden walls."

The room was dominated by a single large desk; a chair, facing the rear wall, its occupant still as a statue, only noticeable by the top of his head protruding above the backrest. No chairs for visitors; they were not welcome, especially under these circumstances.

Good description but sometimes really less is more, tells us about the room by his actions which you had been doing a little later not sure all of it is necessary but its very detailed accounting. I'd work on the flow into this next line. It just doesnt mesh up for me. You need some kind of intro. Maybe instead of describing room describe the secretary waiting next to the furniture. That way you have action and your giving some description at same time.

“What shall be your response sir?”

“…”

“Silence will only aggravate them fur-“

“Regrettably, I need not be reminded. I am still formulating a response.” With a frustrated sigh the headmaster turned in his chair to face his secretary. Why did he have to get pestered so early on a Monday morning? He leaned back, drawing in the calming aroma of the new leather; nothing like the smell of new leather he mused. “Couldn’t you get rid of him Hayward?” It was a rhetorical question.

“You know I have tried already s-.” Hayward swallowed his last word at the glare he received from the headmaster.

Nice rewrite on this. Only one thing if you are going to have the Headmaster interupt the word further show it more emphatically.
IE: "Silence will only aggravate them fur-" The slap of a hand against leather cut Hayward off midsentence as the headmaster turned around with an irritated glare and said "I do not need to be reminded...

“Imbecile.” If Hayward was even dreaming he had the ability to handle a delegate from Galkato, he was delusional, it wasn’t the first time he had had to re-educate the man but he was himself reminded of the small thread that kept him from dismissing the man from service; not a thread of finest silk but one of strongest steel.

Sentence structure with the double "had" seems clumsy to me or incorrect. Shouldn't it be "he'd had" Also is the headmaster actually tellign him to his face that he's an imbecile or just thinking it. Right now you have him telling. Also you just asked him why he hadn't handled him for you, which means that you intentionally set him up to fail by giving him a task you knew he couldn't handle then have the nerve to actually berate him about it.

Hope I'm not being too critical, I actually enjoy the idea and dialogue just think it needs a little work to flow.

* * *[/quote]

 

[Baker]

Thanks Keri,

Your comments are insightful.

:slaps own wrist:

Repetition again, must work harder.

I decided that I needed to insert the initial paragraph about the headmasters office to give the reader more of an idea about the environment the man surrounds himself with.

The opening line was giving me a little trouble, I need to have the perspective from the headmasters POV, but having read your comments, I have thought that something like, "He was keenly aware of the man standing just inside the door to his office." Would be more fitting.

And yes, you are correct, the descriptive of the location sounds too listy again.

His comment about getting rid of the delegate was not supposed to be answered, so his anger at Hayward was for him not getting the point.

The desk slap is understandable however, Quaile is the headmaster of the institute (highly intelligent individual to have reached the station) and has to keep up appearances, so not prone to physical displays of his outrage (physical intimidation is another matter), therefore I need to use non physical ways of him displaying his emotions (and he can't glare too much ).

Don't get me wrong they are good comments and I am working with them.

Thanks.

 

[Baker]

Quick revision:

He was keenly aware of the man standing just inside the door to his office; buried deep within the mammoth structure of the Central District, the only access was from that single point. The Headmasters chamber was protected by a veritable maze of halls and countless rooms that had to be traversed to reach this particular location. With no windows; ventilation came from an exclusive system; artificial light was supplied by scinten bars recessed into the top of the walls; they were dimmed now, spreading a simmering orange haze to cloud over the ceiling, bathing the wooden clad walls in a molten brown.

The room was dominated by a large desk; an oversized chair facing the rear wall; its occupant still as a statue was only noticeable by the top of his head protruding above the backrest. No chairs for visitors; they were not welcome, especially under these circumstances.

 

[Sparker]

Hiya Baker,

I've tried to comment on this a few times and it keeps crashing on me! Grrr! Last try... summarising what I wrote because it's annoying typing it out 3 times!

Flows better in revised version. I suggest you lose one of the semi-colons at the end of the first paragraph, hopefully making it into two proper sentences.

The last paragraph of the original I feel has a few too many 'he', 'himself', 'him', 'the man' so you might want to replace a few of those. For example,

'...he was delusional. It wasn’t the first time he'd had to re-educate the man but he couldn't forget about the small thread that kept Hayward employed. Not a thread of finest silk but one of the strongest steel.'

Only a suggestion. Felt it would work better as more than one sentence.
Hope that helps and hope when I attempt to post this... it will work!

Kind regards, Sparker