Please critique the following any input would be appreciated, style, form, flow.
The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. Ciardha stared at the creature walking towards her, she couldn’t move, forgot to breathe. She looked down, breaking the spell. Gentle long fingers grazed lightly down her cheek and slowly tilted her gaze up again. “Never hide your eyes from me little one they are far too beautiful.” Ciardha flushed at his words, amazed that he thought her eyes beautiful, when his were like Emeralds. He bent down towards her, and she thought he’ll kiss me now. A vision of his pale limbs entwined with hers deepened the blush on her face, and she stumbled back from him hurriedly. “If I’d known I would have this affect on you little one, I would have brought you here a century earlier” he said. Ciardha stammered “Who….what are you?”
“Call me D’eren and the question should be why, instead of what.” He stated mysteriously.
Ciardha backed up further, frantically trying to organize her thoughts. D’eren reminded her of a master’s work of art, which she’d seen once in Sacria. The more you looked at him the more you found something else to admire or lust after she mused.
She felt something hard and cold against her back, turning she found she’d backed up into some kind of intricate pole. “Where am I?” she muttered as she watched her breathe cloud up in the air. Looking at the pole it was the corner post to a Gazebo like nothing she’d ever seen before. The roof was thousands of snowflakes and the posts were carved with tiny pale figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. It was in a perfectly round clearing, the ground outside the gazebo lightly powdered with snow with stately pine trees surrounding it.
D’eren was there wrapping her in some type of white fur that was incredibly soft and warm. She suddenly found it wasn’t just the fur that enclosed her, but his arms as well. Before she could say anything he spoke “Again you ask the wrong question, you should be asking why you are here. We don’t have much time come with me now.”
Bemused she let him guide her out of the clearing. They followed a path through the woods, always turning left when it split. She gathered her courage on the long walk through the pines; the air was crisp and cold. The trail had been descending rapidly, and she could catch glimpses of distant peaks sometimes through the heavy branches. “Why am I here” Ciardha said. “We need your help little one. Let me show you” said D’eren and where there had been nothing but trees suddenly there was a cave entrance.
“Forgive me; I thought it would be your brother coming.” and with those cryptic words D’eren pushed Ciardha into the entrance. She was falling, sliding rapidly down a tunnel of ice and snow. Frantically Ciardha tried to slow her descent there was nothing to grab hold of, all she could do was try to brace her arms and legs on the slick sides. She landed hard; dazed it was several minutes before she could assess her situation.
Looking up the tunnel she’d just slid out of, it was clear she couldn’t climb back up without any type of gear. Shivering with the cold, she pulled the fur wrap tight around herself, trying to get warm. There was an eerie unnatural blue glow to the cavern she was in; she could see corridors to the side and what appeared to be a ledge in the front. Huddling on the cold floor, she pondered D’eren’s last words. “What trouble has Collin gotten me into this time” she muttered. Great not only did D’eren lure me into a trap but he also has me talking to myself Ciardha thought.
Getting up she moved slowly to the first corridor and peered in. A room had been sculpted out of the rock. It appeared to be some kind of sitting room or study there were elaborate tapestries on the walls with men riding creatures that appeared to be half horse and half fish. There was a gilded lamp on the desk made of elaborate shells and some translucent blue rock. Moving into the room she noticed everything was encased in a layer of ice. There was a door across the room behind the desk, moving to it Ciardha found it was frozen shut. Determined to go through as it might be the way out Ciardha threw herself against the door. With a loud crack of ice the door opened and Ciardha moved into the room, rubbing her shoulder lightly from the impact.
Beyond the doorway was a bedroom and by the bed stood D’eren. He was staring at her in horror and tears were on his pale cheeks. She strode across the room and raised her hand in anger when she noticed he hadn’t moved or blinked. Cautious now she suddenly gasped in shock “No by Yzeryn’s fires, what is going on here!” It appeared to be D’eren and he was frozen in the same ice that covered everything else. Pierced by that still emerald gaze, she had to get out go find help. She turned and fled the room as fast as she could.
Back in the cavern’s corridor she took several deep breaths and approached the ledge at the far side. She was on the edge of a steep cliff, overlooking one of the most gorgeous cities she’d ever seen. Through a window of one of the houses she could see the delicate tracing on a table in a pattern of blue and green sea waves with some sort of flower intertwined throughout it. She was in awe and slightly overwhelmed, still in shock from seeing D’eren she realized she shouldn’t be able to see the table from this distance. She noticed a path, carved deep into the rock twisting and turning its way down the treacherous slope. Determined to find a way out and to find some kind of help, she started down the trail.
Faster and faster she went down, and yet the city didn’t appear to be getting any closer. A chill blue mist was rising from the ground; it was obscuring her view of the city. The cold rocky stone of the path was hard under Ciardha’s delicate shoes, so when it changed and was suddenly smoother, she stopped. Looking down was what appeared to be some sort of surface made entirely of a pearlescent material; that reminded her of the inside of a seashell. Ciardha jumped hearing a mans voice suddenly call out “Come inside lady and look at my collection of adornments”
Ciardha looked at the man with some trepidation but stepped into a small shop.. His wares were beautiful, broaches, hair pieces, earrings and pins all delicately designed with swirling geometrics or depicting scenes of great beauty. Ciardha immediately noticed a pendant of a dragon wrapped around a queen of fairies her long hair draped and twisted around his great neck as he was wrapped around her so that they were one together. All in gold was the piece yet so delicate her eyes were immediately drawn to it. There were many other fine pieces of jewelry other fairies with there long hair draped around them and other dragons done in miniature perfection and intricate designs of mazes and dangling tear drop gems set from chains of gold. Then there were more mundane items like incense and burners.
So elaborate was the display, Ciardha realized she had forgotten her purpose. Turning away from the temptation, she went to ask the shopkeeper for help and he was gone. The pungent smell of incense suddenly wafted over her, vision blurring all she could see were a pair of bright green eyes in front of her. “D’eren?” she said hazily, and then she was falling.
Ciardha slowly awoke, “I was just dreaming” she said to herself. Getting up out of the bed she went to wash her face in the basin and in her reflection in the mirror was the gold pendant.
The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. Ciardha stared at the creature walking towards her, she couldn’t move, forgot to breathe. She looked down, breaking the spell. Gentle long fingers grazed lightly down her cheek and slowly tilted her gaze up again. “Never hide your eyes from me little one they are far too beautiful.” Ciardha flushed at his words, amazed that he thought her eyes beautiful, when his were like Emeralds. He bent down towards her, and she thought he’ll kiss me now. A vision of his pale limbs entwined with hers deepened the blush on her face, and she stumbled back from him hurriedly. “If I’d known I would have this affect on you little one, I would have brought you here a century earlier” he said. Ciardha stammered “Who….what are you?”
“Call me D’eren and the question should be why, instead of what.” He stated mysteriously.
Ciardha backed up further, frantically trying to organize her thoughts. D’eren reminded her of a master’s work of art, which she’d seen once in Sacria. The more you looked at him the more you found something else to admire or lust after she mused.
She felt something hard and cold against her back, turning she found she’d backed up into some kind of intricate pole. “Where am I?” she muttered as she watched her breathe cloud up in the air. Looking at the pole it was the corner post to a Gazebo like nothing she’d ever seen before. The roof was thousands of snowflakes and the posts were carved with tiny pale figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. It was in a perfectly round clearing, the ground outside the gazebo lightly powdered with snow with stately pine trees surrounding it.
D’eren was there wrapping her in some type of white fur that was incredibly soft and warm. She suddenly found it wasn’t just the fur that enclosed her, but his arms as well. Before she could say anything he spoke “Again you ask the wrong question, you should be asking why you are here. We don’t have much time come with me now.”
Bemused she let him guide her out of the clearing. They followed a path through the woods, always turning left when it split. She gathered her courage on the long walk through the pines; the air was crisp and cold. The trail had been descending rapidly, and she could catch glimpses of distant peaks sometimes through the heavy branches. “Why am I here” Ciardha said. “We need your help little one. Let me show you” said D’eren and where there had been nothing but trees suddenly there was a cave entrance.
“Forgive me; I thought it would be your brother coming.” and with those cryptic words D’eren pushed Ciardha into the entrance. She was falling, sliding rapidly down a tunnel of ice and snow. Frantically Ciardha tried to slow her descent there was nothing to grab hold of, all she could do was try to brace her arms and legs on the slick sides. She landed hard; dazed it was several minutes before she could assess her situation.
Looking up the tunnel she’d just slid out of, it was clear she couldn’t climb back up without any type of gear. Shivering with the cold, she pulled the fur wrap tight around herself, trying to get warm. There was an eerie unnatural blue glow to the cavern she was in; she could see corridors to the side and what appeared to be a ledge in the front. Huddling on the cold floor, she pondered D’eren’s last words. “What trouble has Collin gotten me into this time” she muttered. Great not only did D’eren lure me into a trap but he also has me talking to myself Ciardha thought.
Getting up she moved slowly to the first corridor and peered in. A room had been sculpted out of the rock. It appeared to be some kind of sitting room or study there were elaborate tapestries on the walls with men riding creatures that appeared to be half horse and half fish. There was a gilded lamp on the desk made of elaborate shells and some translucent blue rock. Moving into the room she noticed everything was encased in a layer of ice. There was a door across the room behind the desk, moving to it Ciardha found it was frozen shut. Determined to go through as it might be the way out Ciardha threw herself against the door. With a loud crack of ice the door opened and Ciardha moved into the room, rubbing her shoulder lightly from the impact.
Beyond the doorway was a bedroom and by the bed stood D’eren. He was staring at her in horror and tears were on his pale cheeks. She strode across the room and raised her hand in anger when she noticed he hadn’t moved or blinked. Cautious now she suddenly gasped in shock “No by Yzeryn’s fires, what is going on here!” It appeared to be D’eren and he was frozen in the same ice that covered everything else. Pierced by that still emerald gaze, she had to get out go find help. She turned and fled the room as fast as she could.
Back in the cavern’s corridor she took several deep breaths and approached the ledge at the far side. She was on the edge of a steep cliff, overlooking one of the most gorgeous cities she’d ever seen. Through a window of one of the houses she could see the delicate tracing on a table in a pattern of blue and green sea waves with some sort of flower intertwined throughout it. She was in awe and slightly overwhelmed, still in shock from seeing D’eren she realized she shouldn’t be able to see the table from this distance. She noticed a path, carved deep into the rock twisting and turning its way down the treacherous slope. Determined to find a way out and to find some kind of help, she started down the trail.
Faster and faster she went down, and yet the city didn’t appear to be getting any closer. A chill blue mist was rising from the ground; it was obscuring her view of the city. The cold rocky stone of the path was hard under Ciardha’s delicate shoes, so when it changed and was suddenly smoother, she stopped. Looking down was what appeared to be some sort of surface made entirely of a pearlescent material; that reminded her of the inside of a seashell. Ciardha jumped hearing a mans voice suddenly call out “Come inside lady and look at my collection of adornments”
Ciardha looked at the man with some trepidation but stepped into a small shop.. His wares were beautiful, broaches, hair pieces, earrings and pins all delicately designed with swirling geometrics or depicting scenes of great beauty. Ciardha immediately noticed a pendant of a dragon wrapped around a queen of fairies her long hair draped and twisted around his great neck as he was wrapped around her so that they were one together. All in gold was the piece yet so delicate her eyes were immediately drawn to it. There were many other fine pieces of jewelry other fairies with there long hair draped around them and other dragons done in miniature perfection and intricate designs of mazes and dangling tear drop gems set from chains of gold. Then there were more mundane items like incense and burners.
So elaborate was the display, Ciardha realized she had forgotten her purpose. Turning away from the temptation, she went to ask the shopkeeper for help and he was gone. The pungent smell of incense suddenly wafted over her, vision blurring all she could see were a pair of bright green eyes in front of her. “D’eren?” she said hazily, and then she was falling.
Ciardha slowly awoke, “I was just dreaming” she said to herself. Getting up out of the bed she went to wash her face in the basin and in her reflection in the mirror was the gold pendant.
