Gaia Lost, revised chapter 1

[Virtual_Space]

Dont worry, its fairly short. Anyways, I'm 17 and trying to write a book, mainly just for fun. I recently went back and revised this and a few other chapters (I'm currently on chapter 11, 20,000 words in). So give me your opinions. Thanks .

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"I wander through the galaxy, with one purpose and one goal. To find Earth, the one place all wish to exist. While many have lost hope, I have not. Some may view me as an aging fool, attempting write himself into the history books before he passes from the world. I am out to prove them wrong, and secure my place amongst the great visionaries this galaxy has to offer.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Joseph Keldan[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]31/12/3152[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]End of Daily Log[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Joseph got up from the computer and surveyed the room, still unaccustomed to his surroundings. The walls were made of a thick, reinforced steel, rusted over from the ravages of time. The room housed only a simple computer terminal, a makeshift bed and a small sink with a cracked mirror hanging above. He walked over to the mirror, his heavy boots clanging against the bare metal floor. [/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]In the mirror Joseph saw a shell of a man, one quickly losing his place in the galaxy. His blue eyes stared back at him, judging his every action and thought. They viewed him as the eyes of all others viewed him, a failure, an old man with nothing to show for his many years in the galaxy.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]He brushed his unkempt hair, then tied it back in a ponytail as was his style. Neatness and fashion was of little use where Joseph was.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]He paced the room for a few moments, wondering what would become of him, before walking over to the door.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Joseph quickly opened the door to his quarters, the biometric scanner taking several times to register his hand print as usual. It then opened in a slow, choppy motion, taking several seconds before Joseph could squeeze through.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]He stepped through the doorway into a snaking mess of corridors that seemed to have no end. He began to walk down the corridor on the right. Water dripped onto Joseph's head as he walked and the humidity was near unbearable. The sound his heavy boots made as they touched down on the metal grating below echoed throughout the hallways and the coil of wires below shook with every impact.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]As Joseph walked through the long and twisting corridors of the station his thoughts turned to his surroundings. The walls were constantly moist and hot to the touch and the air smelled of rotten eggs. "Why would Telmaria send me to such a remote sector?" Joseph thought to himself for the millionth time, "Were they really that desperate to get rid of me after the accident? It wasn't my fault, why can't they just see that? Now I'm stuck on this heap of scrap in the middle of nowhere."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The halls were free of the usual workforce, only a few maintenance workers remained. They were typing on some of the control panels and cutting through sections of the wall. Joseph walked up to them to see what was going on.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“What exactly are you doing?”Joseph asked as he bent down to get a better look. It looked like they were severing and reattaching the wires behind the wall.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“The idiots that built this place screwed up on the wiring in this section of the station. If we leave it like this it poses a serious risk.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Has it always been like this? I mean, has the station engineering always been this shoddy?”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Yeah, pretty much. I'm guessing Telmaria thought it was a waste of money on a station as small as this. Can't say I blame them, we are in the middle of nowhere.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Yeah, thats true. Well, I guess I will talk with you later.” Joseph said as he walked away, down the hall.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Joseph eventually reached his destination, the station's bar. The bar was like the rest of the station, small and cramped. A small monitor hung in the corner of the room and makeshift tables were strewn about the room. As he walked through the open doorway he saw his friend Takeshi Kagao sitting at the bar. Joseph could see what he was drinking. Nevian Ale, a highly illegal substance. He approached the bar and sat down.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Hello there, my old friend. How is the galaxy treating you?" Takeshi asked Joseph as he finished the last of his ale.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Things have been better, you of all people should know that. I've been stripped of my rank and shipped off to this blasted heap of scrap in the most distant sector of the known galaxy. No one has any respect for me anymore. How would you feel?"[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Not very good I suppose. Don't worry about it, Telmaria will eventually acknowledge their mistake and give you your old position any day now, its only a matter of time. Most people have already forgotten about the accident." Takeshi paused, knowing he should never have brought up the accident. "Barkeep, another round for me and my friend"[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Thirteen people died and it was all my fault." Joseph said, his spirits sinking. “I don't want my old position back, I couldn't handle it then, why should I think I could be able to handle it now.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Don't sell yourself short, you've changed a lot in the past three years.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“I haven't changed, not one bit.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Both were silent for a moment, neither uttered a word. The bartender came over and set two drinks down in front of them.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"I'm sorry, forget I said anything. Hey, drink up. This **** can make any problem go away." Takeshi said in an attempt to break the silence. "I hear you are going to attend one of those Earth research conferences on Tunare. How exactly do you propose to attend, your halfway across the galaxy?"[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"I will be there in a sense, I'm going to be there in digital form."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"You couldn't pay me enough to dive through subspace, its just not worth it."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Its not like you feel anything, its completely painless. Its as if you just warped to a new area in an instant."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"How can you even say what it feels like, your not even human anymore. How much of you is still legitimately human anyways?" Takeshi asked.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Less than twenty percent. now. Cyberization is the future, its unfortunate you cant see that. You could live a much longer and easier life if you just accepted the times."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"And lose my humanity in the process? Forget it. “ Takeshi said, irritated.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“You are losing nothing, but you gain so much. Why cant you see that?”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“I am not going to have this conversation every night, and I'm definitely not going to have it tonight. I'm going to head back to my quarters, its almost curfew time anyways. I will see you tomorrow." Takeshi whipped around and left in a flash, obviously irritated and annoyed. He was through the doorway and gone before Joseph could say a word.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"I never was one to back out of an argument" Joseph mumbled to himself as he let out a little chuckle. "Barkeep, put these on my tab, I'm going to need them. [/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Joseph finished off the rest of his drinks in less than ten minutes. His mind was blank, free of all thought, until something came on the small monitor that caught his attention.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“We now move on to the news from the capital world of Tunare, where a conference of Earth researchers is set to begin early tomorrow morning. Here to provide some insight into the workings of the ERA, the association holding the conference, is professor Sasha Siderov. Welcome professor.” said the perky newswomen. Joseph never did like her, but the topic interested him.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Thanks for having me on the program.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Anytime. Now, you have the somewhat controversial view that Earth never existed and that the ERA is using the legend to gain government funds. What makes you think this?”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Its quite simple, there is no evidence of Earth, the idea itself is entirely oral, passed down over many years. Any evidence presented by this group is easily fabricated. The idea of Earth is simply used by lazy historians to cover gaps in our history.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“What do you think happened those seven hundred or so years ago, the time when we lost our ancient history. Some say it has to do with the first war with the Nevians. Is that your theory as well?”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Yes it is.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]“Ha, what a moron.” Joseph yelled at the screen. “Turn it off, Ive heard enough.”[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The bartender shut of the monitor, and asked Joseph to leave. Joseph agreed, and headed back to his quarters.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Joseph soon arrived back at his quarters. He sat down at the computer terminal and checked the news as he did every night. Nothing but the usual, pirate raids on distant outposts, the everyday political scandal and freelance pilots attempting to take on the Nevian empire. Joseph didn't care about any of it, all of his thoughts were focused on the conference.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Tomorrow is the day, I will finally get the recognition I deserve. Then those fools will see how much I am worth to them." Joseph thought to himself. "They will see what fools they were for sending me here."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]J[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, serif]oseph was in no mood to sleep, he was far too excited to do anything of the sort. He got up from the computer terminal and walked over to the door. The door opened on the first try this time, though it still screeched as it rolled into its wall slot. He walked through the door into the halls, desperate to find something to do for the next few hours until the conference. The halls were barren, everyone had turned in for the night. Not even the maintenance personnel remained. Joseph began walking through them at random, wondering what he could do before returning to his quarters.[/FONT]​

 

[chrispenycate]

In the mirror Joseph saw a shell of a man, one quickly losing his place in the galaxy. His blue eyes stared back at him, judging his every action and thought. They viewed him as the eyes of all others viewed him, a failure, an old man with nothing to show for his many years in the galaxy.

I'd find an alternative for one of the "in the galaxy"s

and the humidity was near unbearable.

nearly

Neatness and fashion was of little use where Joseph was.

were of little use

Joseph could see what he was drinking. Nevian Ale, a highly illegal substance.

The actual error is the "Nevian Ale, a highly illegal substance." which has no transitive verb, and should probably be attached to the previous sentence.

its completely painless. Its as if you just warped to a new area in an instant

twice "it's"

your not even human anymore

You're

Less than twenty percent. now. Cyberization is the future, its unfortunate you cant see that.

no full stop after "percent", "it's" and "can't"

Why cant you see that?”

"can't"

its almost curfew time anyways.

"it's"

Joseph never did like her,

"had never liked her"?

The bartender shut of the monitor

"shut off"

Joseph was in no mood to sleep, he was far too excited to do anything of the sort.

comma should be a semicolon

 

[Virtual_Space]

anyone else?

 

[Locksmith]

I'm sorry I don't have time to look at this properly, but the old "looking in a mirror" early on leapt out at me. It's a relatively common error, but basically it's "telling" rather than "showing". Have a look at this (about halfway down under "Tell me no more"):

Fundamentals of Fiction: Avoid Those Beginners' Blunders