Come Abandon And Be Undone

[dustinzgirl]

Come Abandon And Be Undone

A deeper color of gray,
Inside those darker wide
River-runs, waits a lessor tide.

Lands of serendipity and fantasy,
Exception and exasperation
Are the rule of expectation.

Oh, the sights one sees,
Eyes no longer hide the trees
A place of fanciful appreciation.

That one thing separating
The earth from the sky
And truth from the lie.

Come all, come none, come abandon and be undone.

A home of truth and untruth,
Here youth is delicately uncouth
A thoughtful edge of nothing.

It is world that falls into itself,
Twirled on the riverbank shelf,
A paradise of separation.

Enchantment flutters drastically
But what great things
Sleep beneath fairy wings.

Witchery, it’s all imaginary.
Beneath a sight unseen,
To wonders queenly keen.

Come all, come none, come abandon and be undone.

On the martyr’s wish,
To devour the time of our
Sweet and sour stolen hour.

Kissing the motley moon,
All the days are not
Ways of grace and lace.

At least the beast
Is rustled in silence,
In the willows call.

Come all, come none, come abandon and be undone.

 

[j d worthington]

Hi again, Dusty. Again, a very interesting piece, with a lot of power to it, and with a very pleasing cadence and use of rhyme in general. There are a couple of things, though, that may need some attention.

Come Abandon And Be Undone

A deeper color of gray,
Inside those darker wide
River-runs, waits a lessor tide.

Unless you're meaning an odd pun on "one who conveys property by lease", I think that should be "lesser" rather than "lessor". Also, though "color" is better for syllabification, "shade" is the proper word here, as gray is the color, but it comes in varying shades.

Lands of serendipity and fantasy,
Exception and exasperation
Are the rule of expectation.

Oh, the sights one sees,
Eyes no longer hide the trees
A place of fanciful appreciation.

That one thing separating
The earth from the sky
And truth from the lie.

Come all, come none, come abandon and be undone.

A home of truth and untruth,
Here youth is delicately uncouth
A thoughtful edge of nothing.

It is world that falls into itself,
Twirled on the riverbank shelf,
A paradise of separation.

In this case, I think I'd suggest "upon" rather than "on", for cadence and syllabification.

Enchantment flutters drastically
But what great things
Sleep beneath fairy wings.

Witchery, it’s all imaginary.
Beneath a sight unseen,
To wonders queenly keen.

Come all, come none, come abandon and be undone.

On the martyr’s wish,
To devour the time of our
Sweet and sour stolen hour.

Kissing the motley moon,
All the days are not
Ways of grace and lace.

At least the beast
Is rustled in silence,
In the willows call.

Come all, come none, come abandon and be undone.

And here we run into a problem... the sudden abandonment of the carefully kept rhyme scheme of the rest of the poem makes this particularly jarring. I like the imagery, and the cadences are fine, but the lack of the rhyme here shatters the movement. Perhaps that's the impression you wish to convey, but the rhythmic repetition of the final line would indicate that's not the case, else it, too, should be altered to reflect that. So I'd suggest working on those two stanzas, to bring them into the existing scheme (which is varied, I realize, to some degree, but it still retains a discernible pattern within those variations).

Overall, though, very good (as usual), and I think it shows your ability off quite well.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Again, Thank you! Your input is helpful and wanted!