jallenw
Member
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2007
- Messages
- 15
I am currently revising my novel and I have come accross an issue that concerns me. Please read this passage in full. I have some questions in mind, but I don't want to make you biased by voicing my concern directly. Simply give me your critique of the piece. I am open to any ideas or comments concerning anything from spelling to plot ideas. Have a field day.
This is the begining of my novel, Love Eternal. Beware, it is 1600 words.
It was evening: the last normal day of her life. The chill night air felt wonderful against her skin as Jewel gazed up at the flashing sky. The stars themselves were beautiful, but the fireworks exploding and glittering around them made the vision breathtaking. The smoke from the fire a few yards away sometimes drifted over, and she would wrinkle her nose. It wasn't unpleasant enough, however, to make her want to move from the comfort of the blanket. Over the constant chirping of crickets she could hear the hearty laughter from the party inside. It had been a wonderful ceremony. Her sister: Aura was perfectly radiant in the long, flowing, white gown and veil. Rupert, her new brother-in-law, had also managed to look handsome. He was a squat, round man who had to look up to see into his new bride's eyes, but Jewel supposed that her sister saw something in him that she did not. A voice interrupted her thoughts, and Jewel felt her heart skip a beat.
“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?”
Jewel looked up into the eyes of the boy lying on the blanket beside her. He was on his side propped up on one elbow looking down at her. His long, light-brown hair was pulled back in a loose pony-tail. She had always known he was handsome, but in his suit he was positively dashing. He looked at her with a striking smile, and she found herself unable to speak. If only he would… An explosion cracked above them, and Jewel's eyes were drawn back to the sky. Thousands of tiny green and blue lights fell down and disappeared. Since she was no longer looking at him she managed to find her voice.
“No, thank you, Dylan. I'm fine,” she said, trying to find her favorite constellation: Orion, in the sky. She desperately wanted to say something that he would find interesting. When she thought of something she looked back at him, but her stomach twisted itself up into a tight knot, and she lost her nerve. She looked longingly into his eyes and then down at his lips. If only he would kiss her. She tried to will him to do it, hoping that some how her thoughts would make it those few feet. Did he even want to? She thought that he did. She hoped that he did. Her sister had told her just a few hours before that he did, but now Jewel was uncertain. What if he didn't like her? What if he liked someone else? Her insides seemed to bunch together at the thought.
“What is it?” his voice rang out, seeming loud only because they were so close, “What's wrong?”
She had no idea how long she had been staring at him. She must have looked awfully stupid just looking at him without saying anything. Quickly she tried to think of something that would explain her sudden emotion. She looked up at the fireworks and sky again. The knot in her belly loosened barely enough for her to talk.
“It's… It's my sister. She looked so beautiful and happy. I…this… this is just how girls get at weddings, I suppose.” She finished by quoting what her mother had said during the ceremony. They had all been crying then, but tears of joy.
“Oh,” Dylan said. Jewel saw his hand move, and her heart almost burst.
His hand touched her face and carefully wiped away a tear from her cheek. He was so gentle. Do it now, she thought. It would be so wonderful! Even as she thought it though, she wasn't sure. At fifteen she had never kissed a boy and her sisters often teased her that she was long overdue. What if she wasn't good at it? She was sure that he must have done it before. She could tell he would be good at it. He was always tender and gentle. In the time that she had known him he had never said an unkind word. His hand went back to his side, and Jewel felt a rush of both disappointment and relief. Her sisters had said that he liked her. They had said that they could tell. Why didn't he kiss her then? She wondered what he could be thinking, and was about to muster up the courage to ask when she felt something touch her ankle. She jumped to her feet and let out a sharp cry.
“What is it?” Dylan asked, looking down towards the end of the blanket.
Jewel pointed. There on the edge of the blanket was a large furry spider almost as large as one of her hands. She gathered up the folds of her dress to hold the hem off the dirt and searched the ground nervously. Another explosion from the fireworks above her made her jump in fright.
The spider began to crawl toward them, and Jewel very nearly screamed. Dylan jumped to his feet as well. “Make it go away,” she urged him.
It had been in a classroom four years ago. Dylan had known better than to fall asleep around Jake and Tom, but he hadn't gotten much rest the night before and the class was a particularly boring one. He had been listening to the dull drone of the lecture, letting it lull him to sleep with his head resting on his crossed arms on top of the desk when he felt something crawling on his hand. He had looked up, and as he saw it panic had hit him. He had screamed and flailed his arm, and the spider had flown across the room. He had no idea why he was so afraid of them, but they terrified him. The entire class had laughed, but Jake and Tom guffawed so vehemently that he knew it must have been them. It was always them. Red-faced, trying to hold back the tears; Dylan had run from the classroom and dashed home. He had been given detention for class disruption because Mr. Orson hadn't seen the spider, but the worst of it had been the ridicule he had to endure afterwards. His fellow students nick-named him spider-boy and he could rarely go through a day without someone dangling a fake spider in front of him. The teasing had subsided eventually, but every so often a few students would decide to start up again.
“Make it go away,” Jewel pleaded looking at Dylan. She considered running inside, but the thought of leaving him was so painful that she simply stood frozen waiting for him to do something. She didn't notice the fear and panic in his eyes. In her mind he was a brave and wonderful man who could do anything. She felt safe around him and she was certain that at any minute he would come to her rescue. She saw him reach to take off his shoe.
“Don't kill it!” she pleaded, barely able to believe what she was saying. She hadn't realized until just that moment that she didn't want him to harm it, but now that she had said it she discovered that she would be devastated if he killed it.
“It's just an innocent spider, don't squish it. Just,” she started looking around, “just make it go back into the woods, away from here.”
Jewel didn't see the look of desperation on Dylan's face. He had barely managed to muster up the courage to even decide to kill it, and now he didn't feel he had any hope of making this spider go anywhere it didn't want to go. Jewel saw him look back at her and give her a weak smile. To her he looked brave and in control. She waited; comforted by the knowledge that he was taking care of things.
Jewel had no idea of the turmoil that raged within Dylan as he approached the spider and bent down. She watched raptly as he flipped a corner of the blanket over it and proceeded to wrap the entire blanket into a bundle. In several huge, quick steps he made his way across the clearing and to the edge of the forest. She watched him shake out the blanket and check both sides. When he returned she didn't notice the beads of sweat that had formed on his forehead.
“Oh that was wonderful! Thank you,” she cried running to him and flinging her arms around his neck to hug him. His arms came up reflexively to her sides and the blanket dropped to the ground. Somewhere above them there was a shrill whine and a loud crack. The clearing was bathed in a green glow.
“Oh, it was nothing,” he said with a smile.
Jewel drew back and gazed into her hero's eyes. The close firelight that reflected off of them also cast a warm orange glow on one side of his face and left the other in a dim shadow. Her heart ached, and her lips trembled. Now! She thought as hard as she could. Do it now!
He leaned towards her slightly, and with wild abandon she told herself that it was close enough. Pressing her lips eagerly to his she kissed him, and her previous worries concerning her skill vanished. It was as natural and as easy as singing or walking, and she realized with giddy elation that he was kissing her back. Victory! Sweet Victory! For Jewel nothing existed except them and this one moment. His strong arms held her tenderly, and his warm lips touched hers sweetly and delicately. She was his and—
At this point the two lovers are interupted by Jewel's father. Please tell me what you think.
Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth
This is the begining of my novel, Love Eternal. Beware, it is 1600 words.
It was evening: the last normal day of her life. The chill night air felt wonderful against her skin as Jewel gazed up at the flashing sky. The stars themselves were beautiful, but the fireworks exploding and glittering around them made the vision breathtaking. The smoke from the fire a few yards away sometimes drifted over, and she would wrinkle her nose. It wasn't unpleasant enough, however, to make her want to move from the comfort of the blanket. Over the constant chirping of crickets she could hear the hearty laughter from the party inside. It had been a wonderful ceremony. Her sister: Aura was perfectly radiant in the long, flowing, white gown and veil. Rupert, her new brother-in-law, had also managed to look handsome. He was a squat, round man who had to look up to see into his new bride's eyes, but Jewel supposed that her sister saw something in him that she did not. A voice interrupted her thoughts, and Jewel felt her heart skip a beat.
“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?”
Jewel looked up into the eyes of the boy lying on the blanket beside her. He was on his side propped up on one elbow looking down at her. His long, light-brown hair was pulled back in a loose pony-tail. She had always known he was handsome, but in his suit he was positively dashing. He looked at her with a striking smile, and she found herself unable to speak. If only he would… An explosion cracked above them, and Jewel's eyes were drawn back to the sky. Thousands of tiny green and blue lights fell down and disappeared. Since she was no longer looking at him she managed to find her voice.
“No, thank you, Dylan. I'm fine,” she said, trying to find her favorite constellation: Orion, in the sky. She desperately wanted to say something that he would find interesting. When she thought of something she looked back at him, but her stomach twisted itself up into a tight knot, and she lost her nerve. She looked longingly into his eyes and then down at his lips. If only he would kiss her. She tried to will him to do it, hoping that some how her thoughts would make it those few feet. Did he even want to? She thought that he did. She hoped that he did. Her sister had told her just a few hours before that he did, but now Jewel was uncertain. What if he didn't like her? What if he liked someone else? Her insides seemed to bunch together at the thought.
“What is it?” his voice rang out, seeming loud only because they were so close, “What's wrong?”
She had no idea how long she had been staring at him. She must have looked awfully stupid just looking at him without saying anything. Quickly she tried to think of something that would explain her sudden emotion. She looked up at the fireworks and sky again. The knot in her belly loosened barely enough for her to talk.
“It's… It's my sister. She looked so beautiful and happy. I…this… this is just how girls get at weddings, I suppose.” She finished by quoting what her mother had said during the ceremony. They had all been crying then, but tears of joy.
“Oh,” Dylan said. Jewel saw his hand move, and her heart almost burst.
His hand touched her face and carefully wiped away a tear from her cheek. He was so gentle. Do it now, she thought. It would be so wonderful! Even as she thought it though, she wasn't sure. At fifteen she had never kissed a boy and her sisters often teased her that she was long overdue. What if she wasn't good at it? She was sure that he must have done it before. She could tell he would be good at it. He was always tender and gentle. In the time that she had known him he had never said an unkind word. His hand went back to his side, and Jewel felt a rush of both disappointment and relief. Her sisters had said that he liked her. They had said that they could tell. Why didn't he kiss her then? She wondered what he could be thinking, and was about to muster up the courage to ask when she felt something touch her ankle. She jumped to her feet and let out a sharp cry.
“What is it?” Dylan asked, looking down towards the end of the blanket.
Jewel pointed. There on the edge of the blanket was a large furry spider almost as large as one of her hands. She gathered up the folds of her dress to hold the hem off the dirt and searched the ground nervously. Another explosion from the fireworks above her made her jump in fright.
The spider began to crawl toward them, and Jewel very nearly screamed. Dylan jumped to his feet as well. “Make it go away,” she urged him.
It had been in a classroom four years ago. Dylan had known better than to fall asleep around Jake and Tom, but he hadn't gotten much rest the night before and the class was a particularly boring one. He had been listening to the dull drone of the lecture, letting it lull him to sleep with his head resting on his crossed arms on top of the desk when he felt something crawling on his hand. He had looked up, and as he saw it panic had hit him. He had screamed and flailed his arm, and the spider had flown across the room. He had no idea why he was so afraid of them, but they terrified him. The entire class had laughed, but Jake and Tom guffawed so vehemently that he knew it must have been them. It was always them. Red-faced, trying to hold back the tears; Dylan had run from the classroom and dashed home. He had been given detention for class disruption because Mr. Orson hadn't seen the spider, but the worst of it had been the ridicule he had to endure afterwards. His fellow students nick-named him spider-boy and he could rarely go through a day without someone dangling a fake spider in front of him. The teasing had subsided eventually, but every so often a few students would decide to start up again.
“Make it go away,” Jewel pleaded looking at Dylan. She considered running inside, but the thought of leaving him was so painful that she simply stood frozen waiting for him to do something. She didn't notice the fear and panic in his eyes. In her mind he was a brave and wonderful man who could do anything. She felt safe around him and she was certain that at any minute he would come to her rescue. She saw him reach to take off his shoe.
“Don't kill it!” she pleaded, barely able to believe what she was saying. She hadn't realized until just that moment that she didn't want him to harm it, but now that she had said it she discovered that she would be devastated if he killed it.
“It's just an innocent spider, don't squish it. Just,” she started looking around, “just make it go back into the woods, away from here.”
Jewel didn't see the look of desperation on Dylan's face. He had barely managed to muster up the courage to even decide to kill it, and now he didn't feel he had any hope of making this spider go anywhere it didn't want to go. Jewel saw him look back at her and give her a weak smile. To her he looked brave and in control. She waited; comforted by the knowledge that he was taking care of things.
Jewel had no idea of the turmoil that raged within Dylan as he approached the spider and bent down. She watched raptly as he flipped a corner of the blanket over it and proceeded to wrap the entire blanket into a bundle. In several huge, quick steps he made his way across the clearing and to the edge of the forest. She watched him shake out the blanket and check both sides. When he returned she didn't notice the beads of sweat that had formed on his forehead.
“Oh that was wonderful! Thank you,” she cried running to him and flinging her arms around his neck to hug him. His arms came up reflexively to her sides and the blanket dropped to the ground. Somewhere above them there was a shrill whine and a loud crack. The clearing was bathed in a green glow.
“Oh, it was nothing,” he said with a smile.
Jewel drew back and gazed into her hero's eyes. The close firelight that reflected off of them also cast a warm orange glow on one side of his face and left the other in a dim shadow. Her heart ached, and her lips trembled. Now! She thought as hard as she could. Do it now!
He leaned towards her slightly, and with wild abandon she told herself that it was close enough. Pressing her lips eagerly to his she kissed him, and her previous worries concerning her skill vanished. It was as natural and as easy as singing or walking, and she realized with giddy elation that he was kissing her back. Victory! Sweet Victory! For Jewel nothing existed except them and this one moment. His strong arms held her tenderly, and his warm lips touched hers sweetly and delicately. She was his and—
At this point the two lovers are interupted by Jewel's father. Please tell me what you think.
Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth
