I'd agree with Locksmith; it reads more like notes for what you want to say in the prologue (not preface) rather than the prologue itself. (The difference is more common usage than actual definition; a preface generally refers to an introductory essay by the author of the book, whereas a prologue is more like an introductory speech to set the scene -- the word comes from the Greek, and is more closely related to the speech given at the beginning of a play; technically the two are interchangeable, but generally speaking a preface is more a statement of intent or some sort of note about the book of a nonfiction nature, whereas a prologue is actually a part of the fiction itself.)
300 years ago in the beautiful but strange land of Royzen, a race of men known as the Maenex began to pursue their desire to become citizens of the nation. They proved their desire by paying tribute, working without pay, and many other kind services.
This may not be appropriate, as you say this is a rough draft, but... the phrasing here is far too fulsome: "beautiful but strange land", "kind services", etc. are editorializing... you are telling the readers what to think, how to react to something, rather than showing them. In the mouth of a character, this would not be so objectionable; they would be expressing their emotional reactions. But in the omniscient narratorial voice, it doesn't belong. Show the reader by description what makes a place "beautiful but strange", what the "kind services" were (what you list here don't really fit that description). A second point is: how would it work for them to work without pay? Even if they are not paid in coin of the realm, they would have to be paid in goods, living space, something; else they would starve to death (or, if they can survive without food, etc., this would bring attention to their nonhumanity).
The king of Royzen and even the glorious dragonriders believed that their words were true.
Again, "glorious" is editorializing here. You might want to think of some phrasing such as "The king of Royzen and even the normally sceptical dragonriders believed their words were true" (also, avoid superfluous use of "that", which is already implied in the sentence structure here). Or some other observable, objective quality, rather than an aesthetic or emotional assessment: "wise," "cautious", etc.
Therefore, the king granted them citizenship. Little did he know that they had a plot to overthrow and kill him and the dragon riders so that they could crown their eveil king, Ruzodajj, ruler.
"Little did he know" is a bromide; these, too, should be avoided. A better (and simpler) construction would be something along the lines of "The king, therefore, granted them their citizenship, unknowing that they planned to overthrow and kill him and the dragon riders, setting up their own king Ruzodajj as ruler." Again, this also avoids the editorializing "evil" as well, allowing the readers to decide for themselves whether or not he is evil based upon what you show them.
For the first hundred years or so everything ran smoothly. But eventually the Maenex began to carry out their purpose.
Where one sentence rather than two will do, use only the one. Avoid vaguenesses such as "or so" and "eventually". If your prologue is something that is historical within the parameters of your world at the time of your actual story, it should be told with more of a precise tone. The historians of your world would know very well how long things ran smoothly (probably almost to the minute), and you need to convey that sort of certainty to your readers, so that you add to the verisimilitude of your story, giving it that "feel" of reality, of historical verity. Therefore: "For an hundred years things went well, but then the Maenex began to carry on with their purpose." (Though I'm not really happy with "carry out" or "carry on" here -- I choose "carry on" because "carry out" has a subtle feeling of something accomplished, whereas "carry on" has more the feeling of prosecuting a goal without necessarily accomplishing it... a state of affairs which is supported by the later statements in your prologue -- it may do; however, I'd consider a synonymous word or phrase that sounds less colloquial.)
They began causing problems and even convinced some of the people that what they were doing was fine and there was no harm in doing it.
Again, watch the bromides here: "what they were doing was fine and there was no harm in doing it". Avoid stereotyped phrasing. (Once more, if this is something you'd intended to change in doing your next draft, I apologize for going on about this; but if not, it really is something you need to avoid.) Find some other way of phrasing this that is less hackneyed, and sounds more organic to your whole... something where the phrasing and wording flows from the way the people of your world would speak. Tone as well as phrasing is all-important to carry conviction in creating a fantasy world.
The king was blind to this so he did nothing about it. Until, the leader of the dragon riders, Ryol and his magnificient ice dragon Clesek, showed him his blindness and convinced him to exile the Maenex.
"Unaware of these things the king took no action until the leader of the dragon riders, Ryol, and the ice dragon Clesek, discovered to him the true state of affairs and convinced him to exile the Maenex." On this one, I'm addressing again the editorializing of "magnificent", but also trimming the sentence so that it flows more readily and avoids the cliched phrasing. As for "and his"... this is difficult to put into the same sentence with something expressing autonomy of thought and action on the dragon's part; it gives the contradictory views of the dragon as an autonomous being and as property. You may still want to use "his", but I'd be careful of this; how do you want your dragons to be seen -- as partners with the humans in this society; as steeds owned by certain humans; as highly intelligent; as barely sentient? Once you know how you want them to be presented, it will affect how you describe the relationships between the riders and the dragons, as to whether you use "their", "his", etc., or not.
When the king announced this to the Maenex, they declared war and revealed their ture appearances. They were not completly human. They were some type of demonic human-like creature. There was a very bloody war that many people of both races died in.
The first two sentences here might do with a little refinement for getting a proper tone, but overall they're fine. However, "They were some type of demonic human-like creature" is something that, again, is terribly vague and fumbling as a description of something that, remember, belongs to these people's history, even if only recent history. They would not phrase it this way; and neither should you. You need to be aware of what your Maenex are, and to at least be able to convey a concrete image to the reader.
"A war ensued, in which [whatever phrase you choose to use: "a great number", "the greater number" (if it's a truly devastating war), "a large portion", "nearly half", "nearly a tenth", etc.] perished [or died]"; or you could choose to say "in which both sides were nearly decimated" (meaning, literally, one out of every ten on both sides were killed, more loosely "reduced drastically in numbers"). This is to avoid the colloquial tone, and the awkward construction given above (such a sentence should almost never end in "in"; it is a preposition and also weakens the impact).
If it wasn't for the dragon riders, Royzen would have lost the war.
"Had it not been for..." "If it weren't [not "wasn't]" is colloquial usage again.
When all the reminants of the Maenex were pushed out of Royzen, peace was experienced.
"Once all the remnants of the Maenex were exiled from Royzen, peace was reestablished."
The nation thrived for another 200 years until Ryol and his wife, Shaynat and their dragons were attacked while on break.
Though it is becoming common to see "thrived" used this way, this is a modern usage; out of place with an antique, faux-medieval setting. In this case, it should be "throve" (past tense):
Verbix -- conjugate verbs in 100+ languages
and "until Ryol and his wife Shaynat and their dragons were attacked" or "until Ryol, his wife Shaynat, and their dragons"; "while on break" is, again, both colloquial and vague. It makes it sound as if they were taking a lunch or coffee break. Do you mean "on holiday" ("vacation" is not an appropriate term here), "on relief", or some other form of "break" from their regular duties? You need to be more specific and use terms appropriate to the society. At this point you would need some sort of transitional statement (which may be a continuation of the above sentence) such as "at which time the Maenax once more became a threat" or "at which time the hostilities resumed" or "when unrest among the dragonriders weakened the land" or "and the land once more found itself vulnerable to attack" or "without a competent military leader" or somesuch... or "With their death, the friction between the internal factions within the dragon riders once more lay the nation open to assault", etc., etc., etc.
Now, those are all technical points. The actual ideas here aren't bad, and could be used to make a quite good story, I think. You just need to carefully think them out, and be aware of your relationships and social structures, so that you can present them properly. That is one of the more difficult things about creating entire societies: getting the caste systems and the relations with other nations down in concrete fashion. But it does sound like you've got some good ideas here, so give it a whirl, and see how it comes out. Do be careful, though, about your phrasing and tone, as that has a tremendous amount to do with convincing the reader of the reality of your creation...
