Hunting The Hunters (Imakandi [SJ]/Yautja [Predators]

Status
Not open for further replies.

The .303 bookworm

The Grim Squeaker
Joined
Jan 3, 2007
Messages
19
Hunting The Hunters (Imakandi [Samurai Jack]/Yautja [Predators]
-Short story, fanfiction (One of my earliers)

(The Imakandi are a race of lion-like hunters from Samurai Jack, The Yautja is the species name of the Predator(s)).



There are many worlds, countless stars, a myriad of solar systems, countless galaxies, endless galactic super-structures, more dimensions than can be conceived, an infinity of universes and untold multiverses.
This is a tale of two of those.


BAM! – A galaxy, glistening with light.

BADAM! – A planet, green with life, containing an atmosphere rich with oxygen, oceans of clear blue water, and soil full of the nutrients necessary for carbon based life.

BUDADAM! – A plain, full of tall brown plants. And eating those plants grazing beasts over 8 meters tall, with 3 stalk eye, multiple hooved legs and a blotchy hide.

Babum… - Slowly Creeping towards the beasts from downwind – A group of beings, shaped like the terran creature known as the lion but standing upright, clothed and wielding ropes, spears and blow darts in their hands.

Ba-FZASH!! : A bolt of shimmering blue-white plasma, bursting forth from a patch of (Seemingly) empty air, slams into one of the beasts, leaving a gaping charred hole in its side.

The beast collapses, and the hazy patch of air coalesces from its downwind point in the air to the depressed patch of dirt under it.

A pair of Beings appears, each standing over 2 meters tall, clad with a fully covered helm, carrying weapons in their arms and in pouches (As well as a still smoking cannon on the taller of the pair’s shoulder) , and wearing scant clothing (Primarily a Fishnet, arm based armour and controls and a loincloth, as well as the plain helmet).

The taller and more grizzled of the pair removed his helmet, revealing a nightmarish yellowish face with large out jutting fangs (One of which was broken), and let loose a roar of triumph.

His shorter, greener companion followed suit though with his helmet still raised. Following this, they proceeded to skin the (now dead) dead beast, though not before retrieving the beast’s head (Complete with dangling eyestalks and most of its spine).

These actions did not go unnoticed by the lion-like scantily equipped hunters, all of whom remained perfectly motionless for a considerable amount of time, even after the alien Predators had left.

BADA-DA-DA-DOOM! - The Lion Hunters (Known as the Imakandi) convened at their village –

Primitive. Huts. A tribal fire contained by rocks. A dancing shaman reeking of herbs and rare weeds. Trophies from beasts of all sizes (Including a head larger than the huts). A set of tribal masks large enough to conceal the body. Drummers. And The Tribe itself-

“Brothers, you have all seen the Desecration committed today” Shouted the tallest of the Imakandi to the gathering,
“One of the sacred plain beasts preserved for ritual hunts has been slain by weapons, not by tooth and claw nor captured by the tools of the hunt. And it was slain for sport, not for the challenge, and by powerful hunters. And these so called “Hunters”, these amateur predators of plainbeasts did this without call nor grant on our planet, our plain, Our Domain!”

The tribe Roared in reply.
“Let us hunt down these beings and show them their error, should they show themselves to be but misguided, unknowing fools and skillful they shall be released to winnow out the lesser prey of the universe, and if not – Their pelts shall line my tomb, This I vow by my pack blood and lineage from Skarj Olfag, and by my name of Mazaj Olfag!”

The Tribe roared even harder in reply, and began to dance over and through the fire heating the passions of the blood and preparing for The Hunt.


Broken Fang was Seething behind his helmet.

The grizzled old Yautja had been expecting a truly worthy foe on this planet, known even in the legends of the Yautja people as the source of truly fearsome hunters, yet all he had found were these docile herd beasts (Even if Resistant to enough firepower to reduce a soft skin to a melted waxy lump) and a few mud villages containing child-bearers and sleeping mammals (Which were fat and lazy, moving only to remain in the sun).

True, he had come prepared for the truth to be rather anti-climactic, Since he was supposed to help find blood-worthy prey that Yeakorj could kill, and a being capable of the level of threat a grown Hardskin posed, but was not the traditional hard-skin in it’s hive.

This was all due to the elders wish to reduce the dependency of blooding rituals on the hard-skins by finding additional prey of the same level of proficiency & Danger, and that were so potent as a species (Unlike the variably skilled soft-skins).

So it was that The “Honored”, “Blooded”, “Masterful”, “He of the 400 kills”, “Broken fang” was sent out to scout out the planet with the un-blooded whelp, rather than a merely blooded hunter of less kill and “dignitas” as would be usual.

All of which was producing exactly naught so far, as far as he was concerned.

Still he continued the long arcing sweep on their way back to the ship (To deposit their tri-stalked trophy) rather than calling it to him, as he still hoped to find something capable of threatening him without him having to fight it with his bare hands.

All the while unnoticing the small group of 4 thin and hardly muscled mammals stalking them, unseen by his heat based vision due to the mud packed to their bodies, unheard by his sound based sensors due to their irregular 2 then 4 legged padding, un-noticed by his young companion. And getting slowly closer inch by padding inch.

Yaokorj grunted as he hefted the stinking head onto the ground.

The Youngling Yautja was strong & hardy, but after going almost 90 km in 6 hours, While carrying a stinking trophy head by the eyestalks even a Yautja was prone to wearwiness despite the glorious heat.

That didn't mean that he neglected a variety of sensor sweeps, or an additional check-over with his own vision or an IR enhanced scan, but in this case it wasn't enough.

Broken Fang on the other hand made even more Sweeps, scans & checks (Having reached his age and prowess due to being a suspicous, paranoid and above all wary hunter (And not due to being favoured by the Scorekeeper as some whispered about him)).

He made auditory checks (Hearing a rodent crackle as it gnawed a blade of "grass"), UV scans, a Tierlung-Fey Ro sweep (A technology unique to the Yautja and designed to detect unusual mental or EM activity [Such as that present in Hardblood queens or in body/mind controlling parasites]), A Petero-Kay Pik check (Pheremone based, This rare technology usually only bothered with by hunt-leaders, and meant to trace rutting or overly aggressive males, and to warn of pregnant females/"Bearers" to prevent a hunt-crime), EM Wave-length checks, as well as his own various IR and light based visual options.
Again, this did not suffice.

However, Broken Fang had an additional sense available to him, one rarer than all the technology in the galaxy, Present only in the greatest hunters, "Old bloods", Tribal elders, Juducators, and the worthiest of prey –
Gut Instinct.

This was why when (Upon reaching the ship) rather than board it while decloaking, he instead ordered a full sensor sweep, which 628.42 milliseconds later detected 4 "Large" life-forms [Known to themselves as "The Imakandi" though he did not know this yet] not detected by his own scans.

Following a hastily tapped out order, the ship began to charge up, as well as powering up it's weapon batteries and to charge it's Weaponry arrays (Anti personnel, automated, short range, atmospheric low yield only class(s)) whilst maintaining the cloak and opening a sliver of the cloaked boarding ramp.

Meanwhile Fang "Barked" out a warning to Yaokorj.

The latter promptly (in a series of blindingly fast moves) drew his spear, activated his shoulder cannon (Set to auto-track based on movement and the pheremone tags in a Yautja's skull [A safety measure]), Threw a half dozen flash pellets designed to blind anyone lacking a Smart shielding helmet (Lighting the plain like a five thousand campfires for a tenth of a second) –
Only to be hit by a poisoned dart which penetrated through his shoulder cannon, armour and skin.

He began to sway then topple slowly (Overcome by the toxins and acids) only to be impaled to the ground in mid-fall by a thrown ruby headed spear, which pierced through his chest, shattered his first & second layer of rib-bones and continued unphased through him carrying with it into the open air his second heart, leaving him halfway to the ground.

Yaokorj died almost immediately after this, though not before roaring a death-curse at the feline Carnivore mammal-predators that had killed him, then feeling a whisp of Joy as his pierced shoulder cannon exploded in a massive burst, vapourizing him and blasting one of the attacking Imakandi into oblivion, sending him to the Great hunters ground blooded with a worthy foe's blood on his fangs.

In the meantime the ships weapons had begun to (Partially) charge and to function, blasting at the (Sumersaulting, leaping and running) attackers with multi mach bullets, diamond flechete sprays, streams of super heated coolant (Which caused the plain to ignite in an inferno as it melted down to the rocks underneath it), Crimson bolts of energy and green balls of energy that exploded on contact, as well as lasers (Barely visible in the bursts of dust & rubble raised by Yaokorj's inferno).

The attacking mammals however had the bad manners to evade the automated weapons fire (Or to sidetrack it with thrown projectiles [such as stones, exploding rocks, snakes and anything else that came to hand], despite it's constantly improving Tempo and Rate of Fire, while still managing to assault the Lone Broken Fang with a barely broken Co-ordinated barrage of Darts, spears and Woven sparking weighted Net.

Automated weapons were no match for an Imakandi (Their Cubs were weened on adaptive combat machine salvaged from a worthy race of Mechanoids that had the bad fortune to try to "cleanse The Fleshy ones" from the planet).

Broken Fang however also managed to evade The three-fold attack.

He utilized the hole in the pattern caused by the Death of the 4th Alien-"Carnivore", the Ships pattern of covering fire fire as flak (Having programmed it himself and practiced it while escaping a Hard-blood hive while fending of a Queens Praetorian guards and preventing the Queen from escaping her net a few decades back).

These enviromental advantages would have been useless however, without his ability to capitalize on them with his own considerable speed & Evasive skills, shots of manually targetted shoulder-cannon fire (To shoot down a blindingly fast spear throw), a fast ambidextrous slash with an extended arm-blade to slash the thrown net in half (Though it's electric shock still left his entire right side Numb despite his considerable insulation).

In the end, this and a pause a tenth of a second long in reaction to his howl of Rage at his young Trusts Death (Worthy though it might be) allowed him to leap into the ship, close the ramp (via audio-command) and hastily launch it (Many of the unshielded, barely powered outer defenses having been destroyed by then), The Head of the Plain-beast still resting on the ramp (Having been thrown there by Yaotorj just before the attack).

The Ship blasted off, and though Broken Fang considered the Carnivore-Feline's on the ground his honour would not let him blast them from the sky, for he was a Yautja and would settle this with honour and by the Hunters Code.

The Hunters, now 3 in number stared at the ship as it left the atmosphere and winked into trans-space.
Memorizing their Foes countenance & Spoor.
Beggining to ready themselves for the ritual of star-walking.

And Preparing for the continuation of The Hunt.

Quickly they returned to their village, the seared blasted, chared corpse of their companion with them.

Later, as the corpse-fire burned, and 2 additional brothers joined them (Their foe had acted with honour,despite his usage of machines So a warriors Death would be his) and began the Dance of memorial.
Then they began the fire-dance as the shaman prepared them for the Spirit-walk that would take them to their target, despite the inter-stellar distances seperating them.
So travel they would, across the stars.

To the Yautja Mothership.
And their Prey.


Part 2:

Predator vs Carnivore

Part 2 of the "Hunters" saga, continued from the events told in Hunting The Hunters



Broken Fang's ship came out of Trans-space 0.4 AU's from the Yautja mother ship.

He transmitted Identification codes and confirmed his identity as a sanctioned hunter via Video & olfactory feeds (after removing his helmet).

The information was confirmed and a docking sequence fed into his navigation computer.

As his ship approached BF sent a high priority request for a full virtual conference with a group of elders, the same ones who had entrusted him with the task of finding a truly challenging race worthy of "blooding" the young Yautja hunters.

He had been almost too successful; this race was worthy enough for those needing to prove their physical qualifications for the task of "Judicator" – The Elite hunters above the Old bloods who hunted down other Yautja, the rogue who violated The Code.

He also notified the clan of the deceased Yaokorj of the young hunter's demise, and that (In his own honoured opinion) Yaokorj had died a blooded hunter, for such had been the potency of his foe.

He looked up with vitriol at the preserved head of the plain's beast, hanging on a trophy wall with its tentacle mounted eyes held upright, thinking of the promise the young hunter had shown.

He was still musing when he felt the rumbling of his ship docking into one of the higher docking bays of the mother ship, kept in reserve for blooded hunters returning from hunts.

He entered the mother ship breathing in the delicious hot air as he removed his arms and equipment before heading to his chambers.

Later on after a long rejuvenating rest in his quarters Fang went to the grand conference chamber and settled down, waiting for the elders to contact him.

He was not disappointed as the holographic projectors hummed to life, showing the dozen elders who had entrusted him and a hundred other revered hunters across the galaxy with the quest to find new prey forms.

Broken Fang was joined in the chamber by 3 clan elders who wished to join the moot and a tribal elder (Known as Patoras) who was to be appointed a "true", pure elder.
(Broken Fang was there as the most senior representative of his clan that was not involved in the ritual).

After the ceremony had ended Broken Fang rose to the foreground.
"Honored elders, 37 score rotations of the home world ago I was entrusted with the worthy goal of finding a race of beings skilled and dangerous enough to surpass the Hard-bloods individually, while being consistent enough in "power" to accurately gauge their overall level of danger (Unlike other species such as the soft-skins)".


"Enough of the summaries" snapped Patoras, "What did you find capable of crippling almost half the anti personnel defences on your ship and killing the Young un-blooded Yaokorj who was in your trust?"

"Old ptak" thought Broken Fang, conveniently ignoring the fact that the age difference between them was at most 20 rotations.

He continued his oratory, explaining the details of the expedition, Yaokorj's ill fated hunt and the incredibly fast & skilled Hunter-Carnivore mammals that had overwhelmed them, unnoticed by them and their personal equipment.

The elders conferred privately through a secure audio feed between them while checking his ship logs for details.

Finally, the most senior Elder addressed broken fang:
"Astounding work honored warrior, but we have found an important detail in the oldest <crackle> archives, You must <Bzzzt> under no circumstances <Crackle> immediately to <buzz>, the ship is in grav- <fashhhh> since they can <the signal wavered even more> space"

The image faded out entirely as an explosion rocked the ship.

A pair of young blooded guards ran through the entrance to the chamber and checked status panels.

The older of them (Known as Fekor) turned to the 5 senior Predators "There are 5 intruders inside the mothership, they just... appeared in the middle ring without being hindered by the shielding or the jammers, they're past the depressurizable sections and are heading this way!".
The younger guard turned and spoke "The life readings match only 2 records, the current one is from a recent hunt – Yours!"
He pointed at Broken Fang who rose up from where he had been kneeling.

Broken Fang stood forth dignified and serene despite lacking weapons, armour or war paint.
He spoke to the guards and Elders with fire & steel in his voice:

"Fellow Yautja, it seems that we, no I have underestimated these beings.
Truly here is a species worthy of being hunted by the greatest race of hunters in the galaxy – US!"

He roared, receiving its ilk in reply from his audience.

"Come brothers, to the war-room, we shall don the finest war-gear available on this ship (though it be barely above civilian grade).
And then we shall hunt these "Carnivores" as they would try to hunt us, The Yautja!"
 
General Comments:

- You change tenses without warning or cause. I think the present tense is OK for the introduction about the universe etc, but somewhere in there you need a break before you start describing your actual story in past tense. Or, if you want to describe every new setting in present tense/list of objects, you need to make it fit in rather than just changing from one tense to another.
- What's up with the BAM! BADAM! etc? I don't think I get the effect you're going for.
- You paragraphs are too short. Many of your paragraphs should really be a part of one larger paragraph.
- Try to avoid starting sentences with "And". While it's not an unforgivable crime to do this in fiction, there are places where it just isn't needed. Attach to previous sentence.

- Don't think brackets are a good idea. Incorporate them into the text if you can.
- Watch out for capital usage.
- Write out numbers: "three", "third" instead of "3", "3rd" is more appropriate.



"There are many worlds, countless stars, a myriad of solar systems, countless galaxies, endless galactic super-structures, more dimensions than can be conceived, an infinity of universes and untold multiverses.
This is a tale of two of those."


You use "countless" twice here, which ruins the effect. "Solar systems" and "galactic super-structures" ruin the rhythm of the sentence as well, I think.

"BAM! – A galaxy, glistening with light.

BADAM! – A planet, green with life, containing an atmosphere rich with oxygen, oceans of clear blue water, and soil full of the nutrients necessary for carbon based life.

BUDADAM! – A plain, full of tall brown plants. And eating those plants grazing beasts over 8 meters tall, with 3 stalk eye, multiple hooved legs and a blotchy hide.

Babum… - Slowly Creeping towards the beasts from downwind – A group of beings, shaped like the terran creature known as the lion but standing upright, clothed and wielding ropes, spears and blow darts in their hands.

Ba-FZASH!! : A bolt of shimmering blue-white plasma, bursting forth from a patch of (Seemingly) empty air, slams into one of the beasts, leaving a gaping charred hole in its side.

The beast collapses, and the hazy patch of air coalesces from its downwind point in the air to the depressed patch of dirt under it."


Somewhere between the description of the planet and the description of the hunters is where you should change tenses. The description of the galaxy could fit into your earlier introduction, but the hunters are a part of your story and should be in past tense.


"BADA-DA-DA-DOOM! - The Lion Hunters (Known as the Imakandi) convened at their village -"

Don't be lazy here. Either describe the process by which they convened or do some sort of proper transition.


"Primitive. Huts. A tribal fire contained by rocks. A dancing shaman reeking of herbs and rare weeds. Trophies from beasts of all sizes (Including a head larger than the huts). A set of tribal masks large enough to conceal the body. Drummers. And The Tribe itself-"

If you have to use this style, don't begin with "primitive". It's an inane word that really doesn't describe anything.


"“Brothers, you have all seen the Desecration committed today” Shouted the tallest of the Imakandi to the gathering,
“One of the sacred plain beasts preserved for ritual hunts has been slain by weapons, not by tooth and claw nor captured by the tools of the hunt. And it was slain for sport, not for the challenge, and by powerful hunters. And these so called “Hunters”, these amateur predators of plainbeasts did this without call nor grant on our planet, our plain, Our Domain!”


The tribe Roared in reply.
“Let us hunt down these beings and show them their error, should they show themselves to be but misguided, unknowing fools and skillful they shall be released to winnow out the lesser prey of the universe, and if not – Their pelts shall line my tomb, This I vow by my pack blood and lineage from Skarj Olfag, and by my name of Mazaj Olfag!”"


You haven't actually described this leader apart from "tallest". Nor have you described the other members of the tribe. Take some time to really give an impression of their culture to the reader (subtly) before you launch into this motivational speaker talk.

I won't go through the whole thing but you get the drift. Firstly you need to improve the quality of your writing in terms of grammar and paragraphing etc. After that try to read what you wrote as if you were someone who didn't know what any of the things you are describing looks or feels like.
 
There is too much oblique descriptions......the leader just has a bunch of names, and at that point I found myself finding it hard to read the rest of the tale.

I think this one has a good basis, but needs some serious thought. There is a wide aspect crammed into a short breath. That makes it hard to grasp the who, what, when, where and why.......those are questions that need to be answered through action in this story. The descriptions you give are good, but they lack a respective action, and thus the questions a reader asks so they can understand what the heck is going on and who is doing it and why they are doing it go unanswered. These do not have to be lengthy answers, but they do have to be answered.

Also, the whole bam! thing continues on waaaaaaaaaaay to long. I had to force myself to read every sentence beginning with bam. Are we creating a universe here? If its at the beginning of creation, then why the heck are there already societies with leaders? And why are these guys the leaders anyways? Are we looking at a warrior society? Barbarian? Predator?

In the reading, I get so lost trying to figure out what is going on that it feels like a bunch of stuff all jumbled together, with no active transistion from one point to the next.

If this is a warrior society, then I would imagine they have warrior faiths, and I think that is what you are oging for with the whole bam thing. Why not, instead of saying "bam--there was the beginning and bam there was stuff" instead follow the lines of many authors, who use religion, belief, archeology, folk lore, ect to found the whole in the begginning there was a big bang and boom a god (science, chemicals, whatever) made everything. The biggest problem with the beginning tho is that there is no point. Is this what is actually happening or is this what the society believes happened?

Tooo many questions go unanswered because there is too much descriptive information too quickly.
 
There is too much oblique descriptions......the leader just has a bunch of names, and at that point I found myself finding it hard to read the rest of the tale.
It is a bit of a prologue, when I wrote the tale I wanted to do it more as a "Archtypes colliding" tale (Rather like the Tarzan or Conan stories showing technology vs nature).
I think this one has a good basis, but needs some serious thought. There is a wide aspect crammed into a short breath.
Blame that on me putting 1.5 short stories together. Still I do need to flesh this out seriously if/when I get back to adding a new chapter to it.
That makes it hard to grasp the who, what, when, where and why.......those are questions that need to be answered through action in this story. The descriptions you give are good, but they lack a respective action, and thus the questions a reader asks so they can understand what the heck is going on and who is doing it and why they are doing it go unanswered. These do not have to be lengthy answers, but they do have to be answered.
Hmm, that is a problem with my writing, speaking & chatting style. Thanks for helping me notice its prevalence in this story.
Also, the whole bam! thing continues on waaaaaaaaaaay to long. I had to force myself to read every sentence beginning with bam. Are we creating a universe here?
It's meant to "Simulate" hunting drums (Pounding drums).
If its at the beginning of creation, then why the heck are there already societies with leaders? And why are these guys the leaders anyways? Are we looking at a warrior society? Barbarian? Predator?
Its the sounds the Imakandi (Hunter based society) make when drumming their drums in ceremonies.
If this is a warrior society, then I would imagine they have warrior faiths, and I think that is what you are oging for with the whole bam thing. Why not, instead of saying "bam--there was the beginning and bam there was stuff" instead follow the lines of many authors, who use religion, belief, archeology, folk lore, ect to found the whole in the begginning there was a big bang and boom a god (science, chemicals, whatever) made everything. The biggest problem with the beginning tho is that there is no point. Is this what is actually happening or is this what the society believes happened?
It's drums and a 3d person intro.

Thanks for the useful critique :), I appreciate it
 
First of all, I think this is a really cool idea and I enjoyed reading it. But, I think to improve it, you need to contrast the two societies more starkly. Not only does that seem to be the point of your story, but it would also help clear up reader confusion.

The simplest thing you could do is use "***" when you switch between cultures.

The paragraph, "The taller and more grizzled of the pair removed his helmet, revealing a nightmarish yellowish face with large out jutting fangs (one of which was broken), and let loose a roar of triumph."

The words "grizzled," "fangs," and particularly "roar" reiterate lion imagery. But here you want to contrast these beings with the lion-like hunters. Maybe Broken Fang's race is more reptilian or shark-like. Or maybe they are relatively weak beneath all the armor and technology.

Anyway, I can picture a lion-like race (one confusing detail though: they must have hands instead of paws on their upper limbs, or they wouldn't be able to manipulate weapons. Perhaps you could go into more detail here.) But you've been too vague in describing Broken Fang's "nightmarish" appearance.

You've gone into great detail describing Broken Fang's equipment (and it's really fascinating to read), but you've given the lion hunters short shrift. You need to describe their hunting methods in equal detail.

You've used a lot of scientific-sounding words in the Broken Fang sections, which is good, i.e. "pheremones," "species," "child bearers and sleeping mammals," "sensor sweep," etc. And I like the way you described Yaokorj's death in a chronological, matter-of-fact way.

However, these ideas are intermingled with more tribal-like imagery: "elders," "hard-skin/soft-skin," "blood worthy," and even a name like "Broken Fang." I think you need to come up with a new scheme that contrasts more starkly with the tribal-like lion hunters.

I think you want to more starkly contrast the way your two societies think and speak. I think you even want to change your entire writing style when switching between the two.

For example, during the Broken Fang sections, you could continue to use the clipped sentences and even the brackets, which, in my mind, evoke algebraic equations and computer programs.

But, for the lion hunter sections, you might want to use long, flowing, more poetic sentences. You might want to use a lot of nature imagery, references to hunting gods, and old hunting tales. (But, you don't want this society to come off too stereotypical of primative earth-based cultures, like Native Americans.)
 
First of all, I think this is a really cool idea and I enjoyed reading it. But, I think to improve it, you need to contrast the two societies more starkly. Not only does that seem to be the point of your story, but it would also help clear up reader confusion.
The second part/short has that stronger (What with them using voodoo to teleport into a starship and all).
The simplest thing you could do is use "***" when you switch between cultures.
Hmm, I'll do that (Should make it clearer).
The paragraph, "The taller and more grizzled of the pair removed his helmet, revealing a nightmarish yellowish face with large out jutting fangs (one of which was broken), and let loose a roar of triumph."

The words "grizzled," "fangs," and particularly "roar" reiterate lion imagery. But here you want to contrast these beings with the lion-like hunters. Maybe Broken Fang's race is more reptilian or shark-like. Or maybe they are relatively weak beneath all the armor and technology.
Broken Fang's race are called the Yautja, they can take shot-gun blasts to the belly without armour, and look like mammals with a head-crab for a face.
Yautja (Predators) Armor & Equipment

Anyway, I can picture a lion-like race (one confusing detail though: they must have hands instead of paws on their upper limbs, or they wouldn't be able to manipulate weapons. Perhaps you could go into more detail here.) But you've been too vague in describing Broken Fang's "nightmarish" appearance.
The Imakandi are Lion-like, the Yautja are not.
You've gone into great detail describing Broken Fang's equipment (and it's really fascinating to read), but you've given the lion hunters short shrift. You need to describe their hunting methods in equal detail.
The Lions have almost no equipment, they wear loin-cloths and 1-2 weapons each (Usually along the lines of a spear, electrified throwing net, bow & snake-arrow, bola, etc').
However, these ideas are intermingled with more tribal-like imagery: "elders," "hard-skin/soft-skin," "blood worthy," and even a name like "Broken Fang." I think you need to come up with a new scheme that contrasts more starkly with the tribal-like lion hunters.
The Yautja are a tribal "society" based on clans greatly like the Yautja.
I'm trying to show the differences between them despite their great similarities.
I think you want to more starkly contrast the way your two societies think and speak. I think you even want to change your entire writing style when switching between the two.
I'll try to think of a way to show that, maybe different adjectives/level of descriibing or "we", that is talking about the Imakandi pack as a single entity.
For example, during the Broken Fang sections, you could continue to use the clipped sentences and even the brackets, which, in my mind, evoke algebraic equations and computer programs.
Actually thats just due to my weak grammatical skills:( (Not intentional).
But, for the lion hunter sections, you might want to use long, flowing, more poetic sentences.
Hmm, good idea - thanks.
You might want to use a lot of nature imagery, references to hunting gods, and old hunting tales. (But, you don't want this society to come off too stereotypical of primative earth-based cultures, like Native Americans.)
A tricky balance, especially since the Yautja also believe ina hunting god ("The scorekeeper") while the Imakandi are far less supernatural, despite using magic.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads


Back
Top