Prologue - The Map of the Known World

[Steve S]

Hello,

Please see attached prologue to my soon to be independently published novel, 'The Map of the Known World'. Any comments/feedback would be gratefully received!

Regards

Steve

PROLOGUE

The waves tossed Vortigern around like a rag doll. Seaweed entangled his legs and salt water blurred his vision. Weighed down by his sodden clothes, he waded the last few yards to the beach. The waves kept pulling him back, reluctant for him to leave their grip. With a huge effort he broke free and collapsed onto the damp sand. There he lay, fighting for breath as the foamy surf lapped around his legs. The sound of the constant wash and drag of the sea filled his ears.

When enough strength had returned to his body, Vortigern stood up. He looked back out to sea. A burning ship drifted on the dark water. The flames illuminated the waves with angry red and yellow reflections. Vortigern had sailed on the Endeavour for six months; now he watched its death throes. Anchored close to it was another vessel. An Ironclad warship.

One hour earlier, the Ironclad had emerged from the mist like a ghost. For the lightly armed Endeavour there had been no escape. Vortigern knew the crew of his ship would be dead by now. He remembered their faces as he prepared to jump overboard; the faces of men who knew they were about to die. He would have stayed and died with them but the captain had insisted, ‘You are the strongest swimmer. You must take the map to Lord Hereward. He will know what to do.’

So he alone had survived. But the Redeemers would soon discover that he had escaped. Vortigern looked around, taking in his surroundings. He stood in a wide cove. Towering cliffs rose in front of him but he spied a steep path that offered an escape from the beach. Digging into his last resources of will and strength he made for the path. His footsteps left a trail across the sand; an easy trail for the Redeemers to follow but he had no time to do anything about it.

He scrambled over the bank of pebbles at the top of the beach. The cold wind pushed his damp clothes against his skin. His teeth chattered violently. Suddenly he became aware of sound and movement from the far side of the beach. He saw a band of men, the flickering of their flaming brands and lamps made their bearded faces resemble those of demons. Scavengers. Wrecks were common on the treacherous southern coastline and there were rich pickings for those who scoured the beaches. They carried pick-axes, hatchets, crowbars and ropes. As they reached the foot of the beach, one of the scavengers noticed Vortigern and bellowed, ‘Look yonder, a survivor!’

Vortigern knew they were Nulled. They were enemies. They would tell the Redeemers that they had seen him.

With a new vigour born of fear, Vortigern ran.

 

[HappyHippo]

*disclaimer!!! I'm not a professional, I'm just a voracious reader, so any crit is offered on the level of someone who'd want to read your book. sorry if it's not quite what you're looking for, but I hope I can help*

It's very sensory; I can hear/see/smell/feel what you're describing. It draws me in quickly, and makes me curious; who is Vortigern, why is he in these cirumstances, what's going to happen? Great start!

The only thing I don't quite like is that your sentences tend to be very short, and it feels a bit like the words are being fired out at me. I've fiddled with one paragraph, to show you how I'd find it easier to read.

So he alone had survived, but the Redeemers would soon discover that he had escaped. Vortigern looked around, taking in his surroundings. He stood in a wide cove; towering cliffs rose in front of him, but he spied a steep path that offered an escape from the beach. Digging into his last resources of will and strength he made for the path. His footsteps left a trail across the sand; an easy trail for the Redeemers to follow but he had no time to do anything about it.

(my suggested changes in red. not sure if it's a colon or semi-colon after cove, but it's more to give you a feel.)

Also, what time is this set in? this isn't critique, just general nosiness! Vortigern is ?Saxon, Ironclads are 19th century... I think... it's definitely an intriguing prologue.

Hmm, and thinking about it, the short sentence thing...is it to create a feel of urgency or uneasiness? If it is, it works

sorry, random crit. Hope it helps.

 

[Steve S]

Many thanks for taking the time to read through this and for making such thoughtful and helpful comments.

I was striving to get a tense beginning to the novel and the short sentences were designed to help achieve that effect. However, your comments have got me thinking and I will certainly have another read through with your very sensible suggestions in mind.

As to the setting, I have tried to move away from the standard 'medieval' fantasy conventions and use more of a seventeenth century milieu but I've drawn from a number of sources (including as you rightly say, the 19th century for the Ironclads!) to hopefully achieve a more distinctive feel and atmosphere.

Once again, many thanks for your thoughtful and useful feedback, it is really appreciated!

Kind regards

Steve

 

[jallenw]

Here is a breakdown of your subjects of sentences:

Non-human:
waves , Seaweed , salt water , waves , surf, sound, strength, ship, flames, vessel, Ironclad, cliffs, footsteps, wind, teeth, flickering, wrecks,
Total: 17
Most of these occure at the beginning of the passage.

Proper Name of Hero: Vortigern (6)

Pronoun of Hero: He (16)

Misc people: (6)

Question: Who do you want me to identify with as the main character? Because as it stands, the passage reads as if the setting is the main character. I want feeling. I want to live the experience from the POV of Vortigern. He's the hero, not the seaweed.

I hate to have to break this down mathematically, but almost 33% of your subjects are the ocean or its subsidiaries. I half expected Triton himself to emerge from the sea to try to impale Vortigern.

Saying that the seaweed grabbed the man isn't exactly passive voice, and there are times when such a construction reads well, but your passage personifies the inanimate a bit too much for my taste. If that is your intention, then you succeeded, but it served to distance me as a reader from Vortigern. I didn't feel connected to him at all. I wasn't concerned about his welfare when I read 'Vortigern Ran.' I know I should have been, but he wasn't real enough to me yet.

Please keep in mind that I am trying to be honestly helpful and I don't mean to discourage you in any way. Keep up the hard work.

Global Thermo Nuclear Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth

 

[Steve S]

Hi,

I appreciate you taking the time to read this and your honest, constructive comments. I will certainly take them on board as it is always worth reflecting on your work with the benefit of feedback.

Again, many thanks for taking the time to critique this extract, it is much appreciated.

Cheers

Steve

 

[SeanHannifin]

Hi Steve,

I like it so far. Unfortunately the conflict isn't quite interesting enough to make me want to buy the book, but you certainly do set things in motion enough that I'd turn the page. Your descriptions are engaging, but I also found myself wanting to know what exactly the main character might be thinking...

Lastly, you do some little flashbacks. I'd cut these out and just put them in the next chapter, when perhaps the main character will get some alone time to gather his thoughts after such an eventful night. (Was it night? )

You could still give a bit of information, though, such as instead of: "the captain had insisted, ‘You are the strongest swimmer. You must take the map to Lord Hereward. He will know what to do.’ " you could say: "He had to take the map to Hereward. He would know what to do." That would get me asking why.

Nice work!

 

[Steve S]

Hi,

Many thanks for the above critique, some really interesting observations which have given me some food for thought.

This prologue is a delicate balancing act as Vortigern actually isn't the main character in the book, indeed he only actually appears in one other chapter. It is his very arrival that is the inciting event that sets the story in motion. It's possibly a little against convention in focusing on a relatively minor character at the very start, I suppose only time will tell if it's a sensible move! Fingers crossed...

Again, a big thank you for taking the time to critique this extract. The honest, insightful and constructive feedback you have given me is typical of this website and what makes it such a pleasure to visit!

Cheers!

Steve

 

[Talysia]

I know this isn't a critique in the usual sense, more like my personal opinion.

I'm no expert, but like most people on this site I love a good story. I enjoyed reading through your prologue, and I think you've got some good ideas and a good grasp of detailed language. Makes me wonder what will happen to the map on its journey.

 

[jrudder]

Well, your prologue did what a prologue should: it interested me. However, you need to work on your sentence structure. While it's not as bad as some that I've seen, you should really try to use more elaborate sentence structures, as they make for smoother, easier reading and a more professional look. That was really the only major thing I noticed that others haven't pointed out. The story is interesting, and the references to things we don't yet understand is good and makes me want to read more. Some editing should to the trick. Good luck.

 

[Steve S]

Many thanks to both of you for your comments and kind words! The book is going through a final (and of course painful!) edit at the moment and it has been useful to have constructive feedback during that process.

Regards

Steve

 

[SeanHannifin]

This prologue is a delicate balancing act as Vortigern actually isn't the main character in the book, indeed he only actually appears in one other chapter. It is his very arrival that is the inciting event that sets the story in motion. It's possibly a little against convention in focusing on a relatively minor character at the very start, I suppose only time will tell if it's a sensible move!

It's certainly not out of convention to focus on a minor character or events at the start, so long as the events are important and setting the story in motion. But if that's the case, I would actually not describe Vortigern's actions so much, but instead focus more on what events are important. If Vortigern is a very minor character, to say that "Weighed down by his sodden clothes, he waded the last few yards to the beach. The waves kept pulling him back, reluctant for him to leave their grip." may not be so important, when you could just say "Vortigern struggled to the beach." Hopefully such lack of detail would sort of detach readers from the character, letting them know he's not so important.

As it is now, I'm not sure what events in the original post are the most important for the story, but maybe you could make those events, rather than what Vortigern's doing, the focus.

 

[Steve S]

Thanks mate, I'll certainly take your comments and suggestions on board. Many thanks for your help.

Cheers

Steve

 

[Phil Brown]

The waves tossed Vortigern around like a rag doll. Seaweed entangled his legs and salt water blurred his vision. Weighed down by his sodden clothes, he waded the last few yards to the beach. The waves kept pulling him back, reluctant for him to leave their grip. With a huge effort he broke free and collapsed onto the damp sand. There he lay, fighting for breath as the foamy surf lapped around his legs. The sound of the constant wash and drag of the sea filled his ears.

"Like a rag doll" is a cliche. What about "like a jellyfish", "like a wet rag", "like a dead fish"?

When enough strength had returned to his body, Vortigern stood up. He looked back out to sea. A burning ship drifted on the dark water. The flames illuminated the waves with angry red and yellow reflections. Vortigern had sailed on the Endeavour for six months; now he watched its death throes. Anchored close to it was another vessel. An Ironclad warship.
One hour earlier, the Ironclad had emerged from the mist like a ghost. For the lightly armed Endeavour there had been no escape. Vortigern knew the crew of his ship would be dead by now. He remembered their faces as he prepared to jump overboard; the faces of men who knew they were about to die. He would have stayed and died with them but the captain had insisted, ‘You are the strongest swimmer. You must take the map to Lord Hereward. He will know what to do.’

Why use this flashback? Why not start with the Ironclad emerging from the mist like a ghost and follow the story in chronological order. Surely that is more dramatic? His arrival on shore is not really dramatic at all, it's the end of a dramatic journey.

 

[Steve S]

Hi Phil,

Many thanks for your comments. I think your point re the first line is a very valid one and it is something I will consider carefully. With regards to your second point, I can see what you are saying and your suggestion is very sensible. However, there is a logic (I hope anyway!) to the point where the story begins that becomes evident as the novel unfolds. I will mull over your comment though to see where the prologue can be improved.

A big thank you for taking the time to read and critique this extract.

Cheers and best wishes,

Steve

 

[Steve S]

Thanks to all who took the time to critique this prologue. If you are interested in reading more, the finished version of my novel is now available to download as a free ebook. Please go to: www.lulu.com/content/294457

Best wishes,

Steve