My Book: Excerpt from Chapter 1

[RidderMark]

Here is an excerpt from Chapter One of my book (I'm one of those paranoid writers so I won't reveal it's name to you all as I like it very much .)

I will warn you all, there are a lot of grammatical errors and errors concerning punctuation. I do intend on smoothing out some of the wrinkles soon concerning this, so while I am very open to any critique, I would hope you concentrate on the delivery, content, and overall effectiveness of this excerpt. It is a little long winded as I understand shorter posts generally will garner more interest. None the less, unfortunately my novel is a long winded one, and this is one of the smaller excerpts. Tell me what you think .......

Excerpt From Chapter 1 - PathFinding.

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Stepping in through the door was like stepping back through time. It had been almost thirteen years since Trent Forian had been in this, well… **** hole as he thought of it, but despite it, nothing seemed out of place. It looked just like it had when he last left it, and in an ever changing galaxy like this one, it was a little refreshing. This little pit stop used to be the hub of Dea Tacita for any space farer who wanted to conduct a little business away from watchful eyes, and though all the big names that used to run this little sliver of space had long since left, it looked like it was still business as usual. To the casual observer the 34 or so characters scattered about the brick built restaurant looked like your normal collection of travelers and spacefarers, but to the right set of eyes this place was packed with men who traded and dealt in things that most men avoided. It wasn’t what most people thought of it. Bad men or at least men who worked in the shadows did not always appear as dark or as brute as many assume. Surprise, like in any struggle is a useful tool, and these men took advantage of every weapon at their disposal. There were always a few rough types around, that could hardly be avoided, but in an old guard pit stop like this one, its always wise not to put too much stock in appearances.
Forian began looking over the customers one by one, looking for something he knew was there, but not quite sure what it was. To his left a waitress dropped off a couple of plates of food and judging by the smell the food hadn‘t gotten any better. He continued to scan his way across the restaurant and it took longer then he expected, but he found what he was looking for. There in the right back corner, a big burly looking man with a short trimmed beard was talking casually over a beer with his short but stocky friend. What sparked Forian’s interest wasn’t the men but the untouched beers, both of which had long since stopped being cold based on the rings of condensation around them. At least in Forian’s experiences men who ordered beers went about drinking them which meant these two had other business besides their conversation, and wouldn‘t you know who was sitting not but two tables to the left.
“Well well, if it isn’t the infamous Trent Forian.” A familiar face said as he approached the table. “What brings you to this corner of the galaxy?”
“Probably the same thing that has you here Beck Burkhard.” Forian replied as he took his place opposite from him. He found a drink waiting for him there, his old favorite, scotch on the rocks. The little ******* hadn’t even forgotten his preferred poison.
“I don’t drink anymore.” Forain said as he pushed the glass away.
“That‘s what I‘ve heard, I just wanted to see it for myself. You know, I thought I’d never see the day that you turned down a scotch on the rocks.” Burkhard said behind a small grin.
“And I never thought I’d see the day that you became an employee again.” Forian replied with a twinge of satisfaction. Beck tried to hide his anger but it always leaked through. Forian knew better then most that you could always count on Beck for that.
“I see your intelligence networks are working just as diligent as ever Forian.”
“Not so diligent as your new bosses. Tell me Burkhard, how did he know where to find me?”
That got a smile out of his associate.
“Magic.” Burkhard grinned.
“Fair enough. Then at least tell me why you chose this place.”
Burkhard took a second to think it over, looking the place over as if he needed to take it all in to remember it. “The memories”, he replied.
“If I remember it right, you might do well if I forgot anything to do with this place and you.” Forian said under hardened eyes. The words came out cold, and that’s how Forian wanted it, but Burkhard didn’t even shift at that. Whoever his new boss was, he had enough resources to make sure Burkhard felt safe, even here.
“You and I have a lot to clear up Forian and I’m not going to lie, I did you wrong. But then, I’m not here because I want to be. I’m here because my employer wants me here. I’d just as soon never see you again Forian, but as it is, that’s not really an option at the moment. I chose this place because we both know it, we’ve memorized it. Playing any tricks here would be close to impossible for both our sakes.” Burkhard replied as he settled back into his chair. His men two tables to the left had become noticeably interested in their conversation, and not for the better. Perhaps things were going to get itchy after all Forian thought.
“Is that why you brought the big drinkers to your left?” Forian said matter of factly.
“I brought two lumps of muscle as green as grass. Just enough to let you know I wasn’t all alone.”
Forian looked him over. Burkhard used to be a book, but now everything about him seemed smoother, more confident. None the less, Forian could still read people better then most and what he saw was on the level.
“So what am I doing here?” Forian said, finally getting to the point
“My employer has heard through the grape vine that you’re looking to make a run through Zhinor space. Is it true?”
Whoever this “employer” is, his intelligence was good Forian thought. For several months he’d been looking for a way to the silver rim. A long stretch of space that just so happened to be under Zhinor control. That wouldn’t be so unusual except Forian had only sought out the advice of his most trusted associates, and without any tangible results. It would seem that few ever entered Zhinordan space, and even less returned. Now, what he had thought was a well kept secret was already finding its way back to him. It was enough for a man who dealt in information and whispers to worry about their sanctity. Then again, it was always a tough business.
“It’s true, I’ve been asking around, but it would seem that the Zhinor’s are good at keeping their secrets, and better at protecting them.”
“What are your intentions there?” Burkhard said, leaning forward.
“Nothing sinister if that’s what your asking.”
“So then, your still chasing after lost love are you?” Burkhard said with that knowing smile that always used to get under Forians skin.
“Come on Burkhard, you know me well enough to know that some things about me will never change. You should also know that nothing in this universe can remain lost forever.”
“The question is then, do you have forever?”
“Listen, I didn’t come here to debate my loved ones fate, or mine for that matter. Do you have something for me or not?” Forian said with a growl behind it. Burkhard had struck a cord, and Forian never had a good poker face when he was angry, just the way Burkhard liked it.
“Yeah, I just might. You need help getting into Zhinor space and my employer has plenty of info on penetrating into Zhinor territory.”
“And what would this info cost me?” Forian said with more then just a little bit of interest.
“My employer lost his personal jump gate into Zhinor territory and he wants a new one. He’ll give you all the info you need and you give him the jump codes to access the gates your going to leave behind.”
“Who says I’ve got the assets, or cash to drop an entire star lane into Zhinor space?“ Farion said under his best poker face. It was a useless effort trying to bring the price down with Burkhard, but he would have regretted not giving it a try.
“Come now captain, don’t play those games with me. I know how you and yours work, and you don‘t go anywhere like this without a gate layer. You’ll need a fast exit in case things get itchy.”
“So I take all the risk, and he gets to reap the rewards? Tell me, why should I risk my ass and my crews collective asses so your boss gets to have his own free personal star lane?”
“Because you were going to risk it anyways, and you’ll never survive in Zhinor space without the info my boss can give you. Listen, he’ll even pay for the gates, fund your whole operation. This is a good deal Forian, I swear it. You won’t be able to get this intelligence anywhere else and you won’t survive there without it.”
Forian sat back and pondered it all for a second. It sounded like a fair deal. No, it was better then fair. He was going to lose a lot of hard currency on this little trip, but now someone in the shadows was willing to give him everything he needed, including the intel, and information like this didn’t come cheap. As a matter of instinct Forian didn’t trust deals that looked to good, and as far as deals went this one looked a bit like a super model. The problem was, this was it. No more roads, no more chances, it was this or the highway, and Forian also liked to keep his options open.
“Listen,” Burkhard said, interrupting Forians train of thought, “The deal stands. Talk it over with the crew, or don’t. But if you want to make good on this offer take a quick trip to this location.” Burkhard said throwing down a data stick. “I’ll be waiting there until Nov 13th EC for you to show up. After that, I will imagine your interests lye elsewhere.” Burkhard said standing up to leave. “Oh one last thing,” Burkhard said turning around and grabbing the scotch he ordered for Forian. “Don’t bring to many friends. My employer has a thing about security and anything over 2 ships will get his boys in armor a little worried about your intentions. Fair warning Forian, I‘m serious.” Burkhard finished. He slammed the scotch back and made his way to the door in his special walk that always reminded Forian that there was probably a stick jammed somewhere up his tight pants. His two friends with the beers were soon to follow. As Forian sat there and watched the two over confident lumps of muscle strut their way out the door, he couldn’t help but look at his watch and realize his mind was already set on its course. He grabbed the datastick and put it in his micro reader. November 13th…. plenty of time to tie up a few loose ends before a sight seeing trip to Arathusa.

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[Knight_of_Nights]

Sounds good. I'm intrigued. But you might just want to break your sentences up a little. They got me a bit confuddled when I was reading them, and I had to re-read them. Then again, I am extremely tired

 

[RidderMark]

Sounds good. I'm intrigued. But you might just want to break your sentences up a little. They got me a bit confuddled when I was reading them, and I had to re-read them. Then again, I am extremely tired

No, I think you're right. I was worried about this when I wrote it. I suppose I was hoping it would be more clear, but I don't want to chase every quote with Burkhard finsihed, Forian replied, you know. So at the moment I am trying to figuer out a way to keep the flow of the piece interesting while making it more and more clear as to who is speaking when. I thought I had done a fiar job at this, but this is a major concern for me. I don't want this to end up reading like Socrates's Death (where that has some of the hardest to follow conversations IMO in the history of writing )

I do want to break it up more, but I also want to base a great deal of my novel on conversation and banter. I think points are easier to get a across in this fashion, and as your brain thinks of replies back and fourth, it can take chapters in very interesting directions. I do need to break the conversation up more, but I also don't want to get to indepth and make the reader lose sight of the overall flow of where the conversation is going. This is something I really need to work on. I excel at writting conversations back and forth (who knows, maybe I should write scripts instead ) but I do have trouble making descriptions and leading into internal thought without ending up going off the main road and taking the scene/chapter in the wrong direction.

Thanks for the reply, and good point .

 

[Stormpirate]

You don't have to tag each line of dialogue. That would wear down on a reader! But just put enough information in there so the reader knows who is speaking, and try not to go more than a few lines without some sort of tag, so the reader doesn't have to count back up and figure out who is saying what.

Here are the points I ran across while reading:

It wasn’t what most people thought of it.

This felt a bit redundant to me. Maybe it's beginning and ending the sentence with "it".

My thought regarding the first paragraph: If this place is basically filled with suspicious people who deal in "illegal" items, wouldn't they be very watchful of a man who stops and stares around? Would that not attract their attention? Perhaps Forian can make a slow circuit of the room, or if there's a bar, slowly walk up to it but keep an eye on what's going on around him.

At least in Forian’s experiences men who ordered beers went about drinking them which meant these two had other business besides their conversation, and wouldn‘t you know who was sitting not but two tables to the left.

I'm not sure about the "you" that's used. It doesn't fit the rest of the perspective.

“Well well, if it isn’t the infamous Trent Forian.” A familiar face said as he approached the table.

I know this is more grammar based, but I had to giggle at this one. To me, this read as if the familiar face approached the table, instead of Trent.

Burkhard used to be a book, but now everything about him seemed smoother, more confident.

As in, he could be read like a book? I would associate that more with "now everything about him was closed off", instead of smoother or more confident.

At the beginning of the piece, Trent was at the bar looking for something, he just didn't know what. Towards the middle of the piece, I got the impression that he knew exactly what he'd gone there to find.

“And what would this info cost me?” Forian said with more then just a little bit of interest.
“My employer lost his personal jump gate into Zhinor territory and he wants a new one. He’ll give you all the info you need and you give him the jump codes to access the gates your going to leave behind.”
“Who says I’ve got the assets, or cash to drop an entire star lane into Zhinor space?“ Farion said under his best poker face.

I felt this was a bit contradicting. First, he's very eager to learn the cost, and then he tries to play it cool, as if he doesn't want Burkhard to know he has money. It may have just been me, though.

It needs a bit more polish, part of which (the grammar) you already mentioned, but I think this could lead off into an interesting direction.

 

[RidderMark]

You don't have to tag each line of dialogue. That would wear down on a reader! But just put enough information in there so the reader knows who is speaking, and try not to go more than a few lines without some sort of tag, so the reader doesn't have to count back up and figure out who is saying what.

Here are the points I ran across while reading:

Thanks for your response, it is detailed and very helpful. Let me address your concerns one by one.

This felt a bit redundant to me. Maybe it's beginning and ending the sentence with "it".

I'm not sure about the "you" that's used. It doesn't fit the rest of the perspective.

These I can both agree with and I think are symptomatic of my love for ancient reading, where sometimes the speech paterns and translations make for a slightly "different" way of expression. I think these are examples of that. While I enjoy these little idiosyncrasies of mine, its without a doubt that it may take something away from the overall feel, and may likely make the reader scratch their head and wonder "why?".

My thought regarding the first paragraph: If this place is basically filled with suspicious people who deal in "illegal" items, wouldn't they be very watchful of a man who stops and stares around? Would that not attract their attention? Perhaps Forian can make a slow circuit of the room, or if there's a bar, slowly walk up to it but keep an eye on what's going on around him.

Well this is a plot issue IMO, and stems from the fact that there is a history to the character that is not explained in this paragraph. Forian, the character is not an unknown individual, especially in the circles we are talking about that inhabit this specific restaurant on Dea Tacita, and infact Forian controls to a greater extent the area where this excerpt takes place in. While he would garner interest, it isn't as if those in the bar wouldn't know who he was, or wouldn't realize it's a good idea to keep their noses out of his business.

I know this is more grammar based, but I had to giggle at this one. To me, this read as if the familiar face approached the table, instead of Trent.

I hadn't noticed this. Obviously since I know where this excerpt is headed, and what goign to come one way or another, I sometimes accidently assume I got this or that point across. I will certienly be changing this .

As in, he could be read like a book? I would associate that more with "now everything about him was closed off", instead of smoother or more confident.

This is actually one of the few things I disagree with, but only to a degree. I don't want to be overly blunt and just say he was closed off, and this also doesn't tell the story I want about this character. We are talking in men who deal with secrets and brute force. Truth rarely comes without a pricetag for these fellows, and confidence and the ability to pass lies for truth (what I consider being "smooth" in this case) are an important part of that equation. This is also another thing that comes down to people's past. All of these characters have long histories that have evolved before this book even begins. I want them to feel real and not as if they were conjured up from thin air (not that you are suggesting this). In this case Burkhard earlier in his career used to be a big lump of muscle who was a babe in the woods as far as the intelligence business is concerned. Later on, this sentance is explained through the plot as to why Burkhard was not smooth or confident (to which I would prefer not to reveal). However I do think that I didn't make this especially clear with my word choice and hsould perhaps alter it to make it clearer as to what I am eluding to.

At the beginning of the piece, Trent was at the bar looking for something, he just didn't know what. Towards the middle of the piece, I got the impression that he knew exactly what he'd gone there to find.

What he had trouble deciding what he was looking for was whether this was a setup. In the piece, it is established that bad blood happened in the past between these two individuals. What he was looking for was a trap, or a setup, or any type of backup whatsoever. Forian knew who he was looking for, but what he didn't know is why he was there, or what to expect. Perhaps I should have made this clearer, but I must admit I am reluctant in this case to rearrange or modify this early part.

I felt this was a bit contradicting. First, he's very eager to learn the cost, and then he tries to play it cool, as if he doesn't want Burkhard to know he has money. It may have just been me, though.

It needs a bit more polish, part of which (the grammar) you already mentioned, but I think this could lead off into an interesting direction.

This I can agree with, and I think I will change this. I don't wnat to show contradiction, and I think changing this does very very little to effect the overall theme of the scene, and does a great deal to improve continuity in the character. Good suggestion .

Thanks for the critique, and if you have anything else for me or want to discuss it further, I would love to.

 

[Stormpirate]

Thanks for your response, it is detailed and very helpful. Let me address your concerns one by one.

These I can both agree with and I think are symptomatic of my love for ancient reading, where sometimes the speech paterns and translations make for a slightly "different" way of expression. I think these are examples of that. While I enjoy these little idiosyncrasies of mine, its without a doubt that it may take something away from the overall feel, and may likely make the reader scratch their head and wonder "why?".

I feel you can still add flavors such as this. It will be important, if you do so, to make sure someone else reads the book or the passage, someone not familiar with what you are emulating, to make sure there is no confusion.

Well this is a plot issue IMO, and stems from the fact that there is a history to the character that is not explained in this paragraph. Forian, the character is not an unknown individual, especially in the circles we are talking about that inhabit this specific restaurant on Dea Tacita, and infact Forian controls to a greater extent the area where this excerpt takes place in. While he would garner interest, it isn't as if those in the bar wouldn't know who he was, or wouldn't realize it's a good idea to keep their noses out of his business.

Ok, I got it now.

I hadn't noticed this. Obviously since I know where this excerpt is headed, and what goign to come one way or another, I sometimes accidently assume I got this or that point across. I will certienly be changing this .

This is actually one of the few things I disagree with, but only to a degree. I don't want to be overly blunt and just say he was closed off, and this also doesn't tell the story I want about this character. We are talking in men who deal with secrets and brute force. Truth rarely comes without a pricetag for these fellows, and confidence and the ability to pass lies for truth (what I consider being "smooth" in this case) are an important part of that equation. This is also another thing that comes down to people's past. All of these characters have long histories that have evolved before this book even begins. I want them to feel real and not as if they were conjured up from thin air (not that you are suggesting this). In this case Burkhard earlier in his career used to be a big lump of muscle who was a babe in the woods as far as the intelligence business is concerned. Later on, this sentance is explained through the plot as to why Burkhard was not smooth or confident (to which I would prefer not to reveal). However I do think that I didn't make this especially clear with my word choice and hsould perhaps alter it to make it clearer as to what I am eluding to.

And it is perfectly okay to disagree with me! You know where your story is headed, and how you want to convey your characters. Just saying he was closed off does go against the "show, not tell" aspect that's pounded into us, so I agree with you on that. Maybe, as you said, a slight change in word choice, but still giving the reader the feeling of smooth confidence, would help to convey what you're trying to show.

What he had trouble deciding what he was looking for was whether this was a setup. In the piece, it is established that bad blood happened in the past between these two individuals. What he was looking for was a trap, or a setup, or any type of backup whatsoever. Forian knew who he was looking for, but what he didn't know is why he was there, or what to expect. Perhaps I should have made this clearer, but I must admit I am reluctant in this case to rearrange or modify this early part.

Would it alter your piece too much to perhaps phrase it as "Forian began looking over the customers one by one, looking for [the setup] he knew was there, but not quite sure what it was"?

Thanks for the critique, and if you have anything else for me or want to discuss it further, I would love to.

No problem! I enjoy reading others' work and helping out where I can. I'm no published author, but I do read A LOT! so can give an objective helping hand where I can.

 

[Phil Brown]

"This little pit stop used to be the hub of Dea Tacita for any space farer who wanted to conduct a little business away from watchful eyes, and though all the big names that used to run this little sliver of space had long since left, it looked like it was still business as usual." This sentence uses the word "little" three times. There are lots of other words to chose from in this great language of ours, so is this little word really worth repeating this often?

 

[RidderMark]

"This little pit stop used to be the hub of Dea Tacita for any space farer who wanted to conduct a little business away from watchful eyes, and though all the big names that used to run this little sliver of space had long since left, it looked like it was still business as usual." This sentence uses the word "little" three times. There are lots of other words to chose from in this great language of ours, so is this little word really worth repeating this often?

Good point, this is one thing I usually avoid at all costs, but unfortunately I repeated the same word in several places that really didn't even need it.

"This pit stop used to be the hub of Dea Tacita for any space farer who wanted to conduct a little business away from watchful eyes, and though all the big names that used to run this sliver of space had long since left, it looked like it was still business as usual."

That sounds much better and takes nothing away. Good point, but I will make one observation. Instead of just pointing out the obvious mistake and offering a suggestion to fix it, you included a smart aleck remark. Personally I don't really care, I have a thick skin, but your "little addition" to your critique only takes away from the point you are trying to make.