Phil Brown
Writes as Wyken Seagrave
This is the first chapter of a multi-volume epic so it has to grip you so tight you'll think you sat in a pot of glue. You can see a graphic version of this and the next six chapters at Episode 1: The Tunnel
What I want to know is, will it appeal to young adults, 14-16 year olds? Will both boys and girls be engaged by it?
The Tunnel
She smelt her hair singe and felt the flesh on her outstretched arms and legs begin to blister. The heavy lump of blue crystal almost slipped out of her sweat-soaked hands as she twisted it trying to steer away from the shimmering, searing, mind-numbing red heat surrounding her and flew round the next bend. She blinked away the gobbets of sweat pouring down her face and peered ahead expectantly but the tunnel was empty. Where was he?
“Alex!” Catriona yelled. “Wait!”
She almost lost the precious blue stone again as her thumb jammed into the rear face, the one that made her go faster. “Wait, you selfish *******,” she screamed and flew round another bend wondering how far away he was and whether he’d heard her. Then she saw his trainers hovering in the tunnel. He was waiting for her.
“Don’t go so fast, Alex,” she shouted as she caught up with him. “I can’t grip this crystal.”
He turned and grinned at her with cool white teeth, apparently not at all bothered by the heat. “Want to swap then Kata?” he said, holding out the little blue pyramid he was using to fly.
“No way, honey!” she yelped. “Keep moving.”
He laughed and flew on. Catriona twisted her crystal as she followed him round another bend. Honey? Where had that come from? Then she remembered it was a word Mother sometimes used with her boy-friends. Must never call him that again if we ever get out of here.
She heard Alex give a whoop of delight and peered past him to see a pale circle of blue light round the bend. The sky! She had never seen any sight so welcome. And suddenly they were out of the tunnel and flying into the cool air. She glanced back at the tunnel mouth with a huge sense of relief, hoping she would never have to go into that inferno again. It seemed to dwindle and vanish behind her. Never be able to find it again even if we--
Then Alex must have slowed down or perhaps without realising it she pressed her crystal to get away from the tunnel faster but anyway somehow her outstretched arms hit his big feet and the precious blue crystal flew out of her grip. She grabbed for it but it shot away to her left and in a moment it merged into the blue of the sky and was lost from sight. Without the supporting field of the crystal she began to fall.
She looked down and with a dizzying sense of shock saw there was nothing beneath her but hundreds of metres of thin air. A snow-covered landscape was laid out far below, the tops of trees and outcrops of rock poking up through the glaring whiteness. A cold wind began rushing past her, a roar filled her ears, the snowy landscape lunged upwards towards her, the wind began biting through her thin sweaty clothes with icy fingers and she knew that within a few seconds she would hit the ground. She was going to die. There was nothing she could do about that.
Instantly the implications of her death were obvious. That selfish ******* Alex would keep the crystal, Sam would die and Michael wouldn’t be able to restart time. The Universe would be frozen for ever. It was a complete disaster, her worst nightmare come true. But she also realised there was nothing she could do about any of that now. Suddenly the roaring wind fell silent. A profound sense of calm detachment swept over Catriona. It was all too late. Nothing could save her or the Universe now.
She looked around, at peace with the world, savouring the last moments of her life and of the Universe itself. She had done her best during the horrific events of this morning and she had found Alex, the love of her life. No sixteen-year-old girl could ask for more than this and now she accepted her fate completely. Time seemed to hang in the air beside her. She said a little prayer for Sam, for Alex and even for Mother.
To her right lay a line of snow-covered mountains. She remembered seeing them for the first time this morning when Sam drove her and Mother up that long straight road out of Geneva. She had known, almost from the time she first saw them, that something awful was going to happen. In a moment that seemed to last for hours all the terrible and trivial events of the day unfolded before her eyes as if she was watching them happening to somebody else on TV.
What I want to know is, will it appeal to young adults, 14-16 year olds? Will both boys and girls be engaged by it?
The Tunnel
She smelt her hair singe and felt the flesh on her outstretched arms and legs begin to blister. The heavy lump of blue crystal almost slipped out of her sweat-soaked hands as she twisted it trying to steer away from the shimmering, searing, mind-numbing red heat surrounding her and flew round the next bend. She blinked away the gobbets of sweat pouring down her face and peered ahead expectantly but the tunnel was empty. Where was he?
“Alex!” Catriona yelled. “Wait!”
She almost lost the precious blue stone again as her thumb jammed into the rear face, the one that made her go faster. “Wait, you selfish *******,” she screamed and flew round another bend wondering how far away he was and whether he’d heard her. Then she saw his trainers hovering in the tunnel. He was waiting for her.
“Don’t go so fast, Alex,” she shouted as she caught up with him. “I can’t grip this crystal.”
He turned and grinned at her with cool white teeth, apparently not at all bothered by the heat. “Want to swap then Kata?” he said, holding out the little blue pyramid he was using to fly.
“No way, honey!” she yelped. “Keep moving.”
He laughed and flew on. Catriona twisted her crystal as she followed him round another bend. Honey? Where had that come from? Then she remembered it was a word Mother sometimes used with her boy-friends. Must never call him that again if we ever get out of here.
She heard Alex give a whoop of delight and peered past him to see a pale circle of blue light round the bend. The sky! She had never seen any sight so welcome. And suddenly they were out of the tunnel and flying into the cool air. She glanced back at the tunnel mouth with a huge sense of relief, hoping she would never have to go into that inferno again. It seemed to dwindle and vanish behind her. Never be able to find it again even if we--
Then Alex must have slowed down or perhaps without realising it she pressed her crystal to get away from the tunnel faster but anyway somehow her outstretched arms hit his big feet and the precious blue crystal flew out of her grip. She grabbed for it but it shot away to her left and in a moment it merged into the blue of the sky and was lost from sight. Without the supporting field of the crystal she began to fall.
She looked down and with a dizzying sense of shock saw there was nothing beneath her but hundreds of metres of thin air. A snow-covered landscape was laid out far below, the tops of trees and outcrops of rock poking up through the glaring whiteness. A cold wind began rushing past her, a roar filled her ears, the snowy landscape lunged upwards towards her, the wind began biting through her thin sweaty clothes with icy fingers and she knew that within a few seconds she would hit the ground. She was going to die. There was nothing she could do about that.
Instantly the implications of her death were obvious. That selfish ******* Alex would keep the crystal, Sam would die and Michael wouldn’t be able to restart time. The Universe would be frozen for ever. It was a complete disaster, her worst nightmare come true. But she also realised there was nothing she could do about any of that now. Suddenly the roaring wind fell silent. A profound sense of calm detachment swept over Catriona. It was all too late. Nothing could save her or the Universe now.
She looked around, at peace with the world, savouring the last moments of her life and of the Universe itself. She had done her best during the horrific events of this morning and she had found Alex, the love of her life. No sixteen-year-old girl could ask for more than this and now she accepted her fate completely. Time seemed to hang in the air beside her. She said a little prayer for Sam, for Alex and even for Mother.
To her right lay a line of snow-covered mountains. She remembered seeing them for the first time this morning when Sam drove her and Mother up that long straight road out of Geneva. She had known, almost from the time she first saw them, that something awful was going to happen. In a moment that seemed to last for hours all the terrible and trivial events of the day unfolded before her eyes as if she was watching them happening to somebody else on TV.
The only other thing is that when the characters are shouting/yelling/etc, use exclamation points. It seems kinda odd to use commas and make it seem like normal dialogue and then tell us that they're shouting. Overall, though, good writing and an enjoyable read. 