VelvetGirl
Rawr!
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2007
- Messages
- 11
I tend to be better with descritpions, this chapter is very dialogue based, i had trouble introducing the characters. Its an area i have alot of room to improve in. What do you think of the plot so far and how can i improve?
13 Years later….
“Yeah, right, whatever you say.” Eunice said sarcastically.
“Oh c’mon Eunice, we all know you like him.” Devil teased, grinning. “The way you looked at him, you know, how you kind of stood there paralysed with your mouth open, staring.”
It was an exaduration, well, a big exaduration but both girls laughed openly as they walked out of the shopping centre and on to the sidewalk. The red and yellow sunset cast a peaceful mellow light over the street. It was the same routine every few days after university. After spending hours at the shopping centre, Eunice and Devil would walk the few blocks to their street, where they lived five houses apart. They had been best friends as long as they could remember. Playing together as toddlers, gone to the same school and it was no surprise to their family and friends that they had been accepted in to the same university. Some people said that if it wasn’t for their very different appearances, they could have been twins. Devil was only just noticeably taller than Eunice, and wore her long hair out, resting over her shoulder as they walked. The setting sun shone off her straight hair, making it gleam gold in the sunlight. Eunice’s blonde hair, which she kept short had a white tinge in the sunlight. Their spirits where high on the Friday afternoon as they walked side by side. With the summer break so close, they felt as if nothing could go wrong.
“Hey guys, guys, wait up!” Devil and Eunice paused, momentarily distracted from their childish argument. Ray came running up behind them, a laptop case slung over his shoulder, a ridiculous amount of papers protruding from it and a colourful array of folders in his arms. Ray caught up with them, his tall lanky figure towering over them. He was breathing heavily, but his dopey grin never left this face. His short black hair lay flat on his head while his fringe was spiked up neatly, complimenting the same neatness in his white shirt and lose blue denim jeans. Devil sighed, noticing the same neat obsession had not traveled as far as his papers.
“Need some company walking to the station Ray?” asked Eunice. “It’s pretty dangerous on the streets at dusk.” she winked at Devil, fighting a laugh.
“Dangerous, yeah I know. So I figured I’d walk with you to the station and you know, protect you if need be” Ray joked back casually. Eunice grinned, and with an innocent look, turned and slapped him playfully on the arm.
“She doesn’t like other people turning her jokes around. She’s determined to believe she’s the only quick witted one” Devil assured Ray, dodging another slap from Eunice, this time aimed at her. The three of them set off down the street together, Ray ran around them, dodging blows from Eunice, their laughs echoing in to the sunset.
******************************************************
“Well, this is it” Devil announced. Pointless, she knew. Both Ray and Eunice had been to her house too many times to count and could have found it blindfolded. It was a small two-story house, painted a dull cream colour. Lush looking vines grew up the side of the house on a lattice. Her father was a scientist, who also found gardening to be a very peaceful escape from the demand of his work.
The sky, which was now a deep purple, cast a dull shadow over the house, giving a grayish tinge to the lush vines. The three friends stood in the house’s shadow. It was unusually silent, even the birds had stopped their songs. A chill ran through Devil’s body, the hair on her arms raised in alert.
“What’s wrong?” Eunice asked, bewildered by her hesitation. “Whenever you’re done standing there let us in. I’m thinking ice cream. Maybe chocolate today. Oh and with a flake of course.”
“You have flakes in your house Devil?! Sweet, I’m so there!” added Ray, winking at Devil and pushing her towards the closed door, bringing Devil back to her senses with a jolt.
“Ice cream? Oh, right… yeah.” She still could not quite place the feeling, but, determined not to let her friends down, she approached the door, and, turning the key quieter than she might have normally have done, opened the door.
Eunice and Ray did not share her caution; they fought each other through the door way, tripping over the welcome mat in their haste. Devil entered last straightening the mat subconsciously before silently closing the door behind her. She laid her bag down on the coffee table and hung the keys up behind the door. She could faintly hear her dad’s TV from upstairs. He always had it on, whether he was watching it or not. It had become an odd habit and Devil had grown used to the background noise. She relaxed a hair, knowing that her dad was home from work. But still, something nagged at the back of her mind. The feeling of gloom over the house, and the way that even the birds had remained silent. She would feel safe when she talked to her dad, she needed his reassurance, somehow, it seemed important to know for sure whether he was lounging in front of the TV or not.
“Wassa matta? Don ‘ant any ice crem?” A voice behind her spluttered. Ray stood in the kitchen doorway, his mouth full of chocolate ice cream, which dribbled down his chin and trickled down the front of his folders which seemed super glued to his hands. Devil’s kitchen had always been a haven for Ray. The food in his own kitchen being strictly Chinese only, and he had made a point to complain about this every time they ate, claiming his family was missing out on “the amazing western influences”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full!” Eunice scolded him, appearing next to him. Devil gladly noted that she had been civilized enough to use a spoon.
“Sorree” Ray laughed, spraying ice cream from his mouth. “Ah, ooops” he added as Eunice laughed.
“He’d make a great caveman. Really, we’re missing out on taping some good blackmailing material here.” She jerked her thumb at Ray who snorted in protest.
“Guys shut up. Just shut up for a moment” said Devil urgently. She needed them to be silent so she could listen. Something was wrong. It almost felt like an evil shadow was lurking at the back of her mind, waiting to claim her. She frowned, it didn’t make any sense.
“Devil wha-” Eunice began, but stopped suddenly as Devil raised her hand, silencing her. She motioned to Ray and Eunice and they moved slowly towards the stairs. Touching the stair railing, she felt them vibrating under her palm, as if a powerful energy flowed through the rail and in to her hand.
“Dad..” she called cautiously, her body alert, adrenaline flowing through her. Her heart pounded, as if it where trying to escape the confinements of her chest as she slowly proceeded up the stairs, flinching at each creaking noise. “DAD!” She called, again, her voice panic stricken, worried. She jumped as a firm grip touched her arm from behind. She wheeled around as Ray shielded himself with his hands.
“Whoa girl. Chill, don’t worry. He’s in there watching TV as usual.” His voice was reassuring but she could tell he was creeped out by her behavior. Who could blame him, she thought, she didn’t even understand it herself. Ray parted his fingers, peering at her through the gap and eying her, adding “Just don’t behead me or anything. That’d be great” Devil turned, saying nothing. She would normally have laughed at the sight of Ray, with ice cream still smeared around his mouth and chin, hiding behind his hands begging not to be beheaded. But she was not in the mood to laugh.
“DAD” she screamed as loud as she could this time, Eunice and Ray joining in, adding strength to her desperate call.
“Oh your fathers quite safe. At least we won’t be killing him.”
Devil jumped. Paralysed with fear to the spot. Eunice moved up besides her, ready to defend her if necessary. The voice was deep, but sounded cheerful, proud. It rung with an ancient kind of echo, as if she was half dreaming the voice.
“Where are you? Show yourself!” Devil demanded of the voice. She had meant for her voice to sound strong, but her voice sounded small and insignificant. She couldn’t think anymore, her body was numb, but still found a way to continually move up the stairs. Her father might need her. Where was he? What had the intruder done to him? Who was the voice? Questions raced through her head, her head feeling dizzy with the confusion and panic.
“As you wish” the voice echoed with a chuckle. Devil stood rooted to the spot as two gleaming yellow eyes appeared around the corner of the door. In a flash it was on the landing, bounding over the railing to land behind them on the stairs. The creature growled a quiet but powerful growl. “Co operate with me, and none of you will be killed” It snarled. Devil didn’t need Ray’s poke in the back to get her legs to move. She almost flew up the rest of the stairs behind Ray and Eunice who ran straight for Devil’s father’s bedroom. The creature could easily have caught them, but it trotted slowly up the stairs after them, as if bored by their reaction. He was giving them room to run. It would make his job so much easier.
As Devil burst through the door to her father’s bedroom, slamming the door closed behind her, she froze, horrified at what she saw. “Dad!” she yelled desperately. Her father lay on the floor; his arms sprawled out in an unnatural position. He was unconscious, she realized, looking at the bruise marks on his face and the blood coming from the back of his head.
“Uh, d-d-evil...” Ray stammered, tapping her on the shoulder. It was only after she noticed her father that her attention was drawn to the creature behind him. It stood in the shadows so only its silhouette against the sunset could be seen. “There’s another one.” Ray finished, looking like he himself might be collapsing on the floor at any minute. His face had turned a shade of white that Devil didn’t think was possible. His left eye was twitching uncontrollably, but he made no movement to scratch it. His mouth hung open, the ice cream around it forgotten and his hand was shaking visibly. Eunice stood up straight, a look of disbelief on her face, though she didn’t have the pale white colour that Ray had. She was gripping Ray’s shoulders to keep her upright. Maybe a good thing too, Devil thought, she looked ready to faint without his support.
Without warning, the door behind them simply fell backwards with a loud crashing noise and the first creature stood in the door way.
“A door made of wood keeps nobody out” he sighed, chuckling at his own wit. For the first time, the three friends could clearly glimpse the creature’s appearance. He stood over a meter tall and over 2 meters long. He was built like a wolf, walking on four legs, with masses of shaggy black fur. His eyes where yellow, his pupils dilated and cat like. His wolf like muzzle bore a very human expression of triumph. He had the hind legs of a wolf, with overly large paws and long, cruel claws. He front legs however, ended in Eagle like talons. Brown fins protruded from the fur on the backs of all four legs. But Devil’s eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to his tail. It was long and looked extremely flexible, covered in the same black fur that covered his body. Curved spikes grew from it every few centimeters.
“Uh.. ok.. so um.. What are you!” Demanded Eunice, the first time Devil had heard her speak. The creature in the doorway laughed, but it was far from reassuring.
“It does not ask me who I am, but what I am. You shall see… Hunter, open the Gate Link.” No one bothered to ask what a Gate Link was. The second creature, the one called Hunter had moved, standing next to Devil’s father. He began staring at a spot on the wall with strained concentration. A small light on the wall began to grow bigger, and glow brighter. It gave off an entrancing white glow, which illuminated the fascination on the faces of Devil, Ray and Eunice as the watched, transfixed. Within seconds the glow was so bright and large that it almost blinded them.
“Step in to the light humans, I don’t have time to fool around” Hunter said dismissively to them. The other creature had picked up Devil’s father in his mouth and walked straight in to the light, which engulfed him in its radiance. Devil snapped out of her trance.
“What have you done with my Dad!” she cried.
“Why don’t you follow and find out. And be quick about it.” Snapped Hunter, who stood protectively next to the light. “Go! Now!” His face, still etched with concentration had begun to twitch with effort. Effort to do what, Devil didn’t know, perhaps he was conjuring the light that swallowed her father. She turned and without hesitating, walked straight in to the blinding white light. They weren’t taking her father away from her. If she followed there was a chance she might be able to rescue him. She clung to this hope as the light swallowed her entire vision. Eunice and Ray followed; she could feel their presence behind her. All she could see was the blinding swirls smoothly spiraling inwards. It might have been beautiful and hypnotizing is she wasn’t so scared. She could no longer tell up from down, she felt as if she was floating, he spirals of light disorientating her senses. And as the vortex lifted her off the ground, she thought she could hear the screams of a thousand screaming voices.
13 Years later….
“Yeah, right, whatever you say.” Eunice said sarcastically.
“Oh c’mon Eunice, we all know you like him.” Devil teased, grinning. “The way you looked at him, you know, how you kind of stood there paralysed with your mouth open, staring.”
It was an exaduration, well, a big exaduration but both girls laughed openly as they walked out of the shopping centre and on to the sidewalk. The red and yellow sunset cast a peaceful mellow light over the street. It was the same routine every few days after university. After spending hours at the shopping centre, Eunice and Devil would walk the few blocks to their street, where they lived five houses apart. They had been best friends as long as they could remember. Playing together as toddlers, gone to the same school and it was no surprise to their family and friends that they had been accepted in to the same university. Some people said that if it wasn’t for their very different appearances, they could have been twins. Devil was only just noticeably taller than Eunice, and wore her long hair out, resting over her shoulder as they walked. The setting sun shone off her straight hair, making it gleam gold in the sunlight. Eunice’s blonde hair, which she kept short had a white tinge in the sunlight. Their spirits where high on the Friday afternoon as they walked side by side. With the summer break so close, they felt as if nothing could go wrong.
“Hey guys, guys, wait up!” Devil and Eunice paused, momentarily distracted from their childish argument. Ray came running up behind them, a laptop case slung over his shoulder, a ridiculous amount of papers protruding from it and a colourful array of folders in his arms. Ray caught up with them, his tall lanky figure towering over them. He was breathing heavily, but his dopey grin never left this face. His short black hair lay flat on his head while his fringe was spiked up neatly, complimenting the same neatness in his white shirt and lose blue denim jeans. Devil sighed, noticing the same neat obsession had not traveled as far as his papers.
“Need some company walking to the station Ray?” asked Eunice. “It’s pretty dangerous on the streets at dusk.” she winked at Devil, fighting a laugh.
“Dangerous, yeah I know. So I figured I’d walk with you to the station and you know, protect you if need be” Ray joked back casually. Eunice grinned, and with an innocent look, turned and slapped him playfully on the arm.
“She doesn’t like other people turning her jokes around. She’s determined to believe she’s the only quick witted one” Devil assured Ray, dodging another slap from Eunice, this time aimed at her. The three of them set off down the street together, Ray ran around them, dodging blows from Eunice, their laughs echoing in to the sunset.
******************************************************
“Well, this is it” Devil announced. Pointless, she knew. Both Ray and Eunice had been to her house too many times to count and could have found it blindfolded. It was a small two-story house, painted a dull cream colour. Lush looking vines grew up the side of the house on a lattice. Her father was a scientist, who also found gardening to be a very peaceful escape from the demand of his work.
The sky, which was now a deep purple, cast a dull shadow over the house, giving a grayish tinge to the lush vines. The three friends stood in the house’s shadow. It was unusually silent, even the birds had stopped their songs. A chill ran through Devil’s body, the hair on her arms raised in alert.
“What’s wrong?” Eunice asked, bewildered by her hesitation. “Whenever you’re done standing there let us in. I’m thinking ice cream. Maybe chocolate today. Oh and with a flake of course.”
“You have flakes in your house Devil?! Sweet, I’m so there!” added Ray, winking at Devil and pushing her towards the closed door, bringing Devil back to her senses with a jolt.
“Ice cream? Oh, right… yeah.” She still could not quite place the feeling, but, determined not to let her friends down, she approached the door, and, turning the key quieter than she might have normally have done, opened the door.
Eunice and Ray did not share her caution; they fought each other through the door way, tripping over the welcome mat in their haste. Devil entered last straightening the mat subconsciously before silently closing the door behind her. She laid her bag down on the coffee table and hung the keys up behind the door. She could faintly hear her dad’s TV from upstairs. He always had it on, whether he was watching it or not. It had become an odd habit and Devil had grown used to the background noise. She relaxed a hair, knowing that her dad was home from work. But still, something nagged at the back of her mind. The feeling of gloom over the house, and the way that even the birds had remained silent. She would feel safe when she talked to her dad, she needed his reassurance, somehow, it seemed important to know for sure whether he was lounging in front of the TV or not.
“Wassa matta? Don ‘ant any ice crem?” A voice behind her spluttered. Ray stood in the kitchen doorway, his mouth full of chocolate ice cream, which dribbled down his chin and trickled down the front of his folders which seemed super glued to his hands. Devil’s kitchen had always been a haven for Ray. The food in his own kitchen being strictly Chinese only, and he had made a point to complain about this every time they ate, claiming his family was missing out on “the amazing western influences”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full!” Eunice scolded him, appearing next to him. Devil gladly noted that she had been civilized enough to use a spoon.
“Sorree” Ray laughed, spraying ice cream from his mouth. “Ah, ooops” he added as Eunice laughed.
“He’d make a great caveman. Really, we’re missing out on taping some good blackmailing material here.” She jerked her thumb at Ray who snorted in protest.
“Guys shut up. Just shut up for a moment” said Devil urgently. She needed them to be silent so she could listen. Something was wrong. It almost felt like an evil shadow was lurking at the back of her mind, waiting to claim her. She frowned, it didn’t make any sense.
“Devil wha-” Eunice began, but stopped suddenly as Devil raised her hand, silencing her. She motioned to Ray and Eunice and they moved slowly towards the stairs. Touching the stair railing, she felt them vibrating under her palm, as if a powerful energy flowed through the rail and in to her hand.
“Dad..” she called cautiously, her body alert, adrenaline flowing through her. Her heart pounded, as if it where trying to escape the confinements of her chest as she slowly proceeded up the stairs, flinching at each creaking noise. “DAD!” She called, again, her voice panic stricken, worried. She jumped as a firm grip touched her arm from behind. She wheeled around as Ray shielded himself with his hands.
“Whoa girl. Chill, don’t worry. He’s in there watching TV as usual.” His voice was reassuring but she could tell he was creeped out by her behavior. Who could blame him, she thought, she didn’t even understand it herself. Ray parted his fingers, peering at her through the gap and eying her, adding “Just don’t behead me or anything. That’d be great” Devil turned, saying nothing. She would normally have laughed at the sight of Ray, with ice cream still smeared around his mouth and chin, hiding behind his hands begging not to be beheaded. But she was not in the mood to laugh.
“DAD” she screamed as loud as she could this time, Eunice and Ray joining in, adding strength to her desperate call.
“Oh your fathers quite safe. At least we won’t be killing him.”
Devil jumped. Paralysed with fear to the spot. Eunice moved up besides her, ready to defend her if necessary. The voice was deep, but sounded cheerful, proud. It rung with an ancient kind of echo, as if she was half dreaming the voice.
“Where are you? Show yourself!” Devil demanded of the voice. She had meant for her voice to sound strong, but her voice sounded small and insignificant. She couldn’t think anymore, her body was numb, but still found a way to continually move up the stairs. Her father might need her. Where was he? What had the intruder done to him? Who was the voice? Questions raced through her head, her head feeling dizzy with the confusion and panic.
“As you wish” the voice echoed with a chuckle. Devil stood rooted to the spot as two gleaming yellow eyes appeared around the corner of the door. In a flash it was on the landing, bounding over the railing to land behind them on the stairs. The creature growled a quiet but powerful growl. “Co operate with me, and none of you will be killed” It snarled. Devil didn’t need Ray’s poke in the back to get her legs to move. She almost flew up the rest of the stairs behind Ray and Eunice who ran straight for Devil’s father’s bedroom. The creature could easily have caught them, but it trotted slowly up the stairs after them, as if bored by their reaction. He was giving them room to run. It would make his job so much easier.
As Devil burst through the door to her father’s bedroom, slamming the door closed behind her, she froze, horrified at what she saw. “Dad!” she yelled desperately. Her father lay on the floor; his arms sprawled out in an unnatural position. He was unconscious, she realized, looking at the bruise marks on his face and the blood coming from the back of his head.
“Uh, d-d-evil...” Ray stammered, tapping her on the shoulder. It was only after she noticed her father that her attention was drawn to the creature behind him. It stood in the shadows so only its silhouette against the sunset could be seen. “There’s another one.” Ray finished, looking like he himself might be collapsing on the floor at any minute. His face had turned a shade of white that Devil didn’t think was possible. His left eye was twitching uncontrollably, but he made no movement to scratch it. His mouth hung open, the ice cream around it forgotten and his hand was shaking visibly. Eunice stood up straight, a look of disbelief on her face, though she didn’t have the pale white colour that Ray had. She was gripping Ray’s shoulders to keep her upright. Maybe a good thing too, Devil thought, she looked ready to faint without his support.
Without warning, the door behind them simply fell backwards with a loud crashing noise and the first creature stood in the door way.
“A door made of wood keeps nobody out” he sighed, chuckling at his own wit. For the first time, the three friends could clearly glimpse the creature’s appearance. He stood over a meter tall and over 2 meters long. He was built like a wolf, walking on four legs, with masses of shaggy black fur. His eyes where yellow, his pupils dilated and cat like. His wolf like muzzle bore a very human expression of triumph. He had the hind legs of a wolf, with overly large paws and long, cruel claws. He front legs however, ended in Eagle like talons. Brown fins protruded from the fur on the backs of all four legs. But Devil’s eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to his tail. It was long and looked extremely flexible, covered in the same black fur that covered his body. Curved spikes grew from it every few centimeters.
“Uh.. ok.. so um.. What are you!” Demanded Eunice, the first time Devil had heard her speak. The creature in the doorway laughed, but it was far from reassuring.
“It does not ask me who I am, but what I am. You shall see… Hunter, open the Gate Link.” No one bothered to ask what a Gate Link was. The second creature, the one called Hunter had moved, standing next to Devil’s father. He began staring at a spot on the wall with strained concentration. A small light on the wall began to grow bigger, and glow brighter. It gave off an entrancing white glow, which illuminated the fascination on the faces of Devil, Ray and Eunice as the watched, transfixed. Within seconds the glow was so bright and large that it almost blinded them.
“Step in to the light humans, I don’t have time to fool around” Hunter said dismissively to them. The other creature had picked up Devil’s father in his mouth and walked straight in to the light, which engulfed him in its radiance. Devil snapped out of her trance.
“What have you done with my Dad!” she cried.
“Why don’t you follow and find out. And be quick about it.” Snapped Hunter, who stood protectively next to the light. “Go! Now!” His face, still etched with concentration had begun to twitch with effort. Effort to do what, Devil didn’t know, perhaps he was conjuring the light that swallowed her father. She turned and without hesitating, walked straight in to the blinding white light. They weren’t taking her father away from her. If she followed there was a chance she might be able to rescue him. She clung to this hope as the light swallowed her entire vision. Eunice and Ray followed; she could feel their presence behind her. All she could see was the blinding swirls smoothly spiraling inwards. It might have been beautiful and hypnotizing is she wasn’t so scared. She could no longer tell up from down, she felt as if she was floating, he spirals of light disorientating her senses. And as the vortex lifted her off the ground, she thought she could hear the screams of a thousand screaming voices.
