Oomba's Reunion

[Arumbus]

This is a short excerpt from chapter 6 in a Book called Goldenfur I am working on (and in the same saga as the other things I have posted for critiques in these forums. It is meant to have a strong mythical feel to it. I post it because tho I love a "romatic feel and taste" in my stories, (Or Legends as I tend to call them, LOL) I often wonder if I go over the top and make it too sappy for generel consumption.

Any and all thought and critiques are welcome as I plan on finishing this chapter this week. Not so much on the spellin and typos you are likely to find, as I will clean those up once it is done, more on the style and flow issues... and is it too sappy?


Oomba's Reunion


True love can always make time pass, but time can never make true love pass.
Oomba - Goldenfur prophet in the 2600’s



Oomba, The Wise One, chose to wait by the Grayfur’s camp and let Mootil, the new leader of The Gentle Ones return to the village alone. It is his time not mine. The aging prophet thought. It is the cub Leader’s thunder for him to savor; I will stay here and marvel at the stars for a time. The elder Fur pondered as he watched Mootill slowly return to their village.
Oomba had never been prouder of his charge, never been prouder of any creature alive or dead, if the truth be told. Mootill had successfully completed the ritual. Not only that, but it is quite evident that Siberlee has been watching over him. I pray my old lover will continue safeguarding him, the ancient mused.

Siberlee, in the form of Soosa, the old woman from the woods, had in fact been watching over Mootill; just as she was now watching over Ooomba. She was behind the older Fur maybe seven paces, in the shadows of the dying Manta tree the Grayfur’s camp was built around. Even so, she had protected herself magically so that none may see her.

Soosa, gazed upon the old Fur with wonder. How I have missed you my love, she silently thought, considering how even with the coming of age, Oomba still presented a fine chiseled form of masculinity. She wanted to speak to him… but knew that with her spell, Winds Reflection, the old Fur would never see her, let alone hear her words.

Besides, it was not the time for Oomba yet, as much as she would like it to be. It was Mootill’s time. The time for Mootill to be transported to The Temple of The One. The young fur had just made The Decision of Good and thus it was time for Mootill to fulfill his destiny, a destiny far more reaching than being the Leader of a small clan in the heart of Ooloo.

Both star crossed lovers watched the young Fur go down the path towards his destiny. One moment he was on the path to the village, with the help of another spell From Siberlee, the next moment he was gone.

Siberlee, having transported Mootill, knew it was now also her time to leave. She blew Oomba a secret kiss and whispered, “we will be together again, my love,” knowing the old Fur could not hear her, but knowing the saying of the words would help subside the yearning she felt in her heart. Siberlee, still in Soosa’s form, then prepared to travel to the Temple of The One to greet Mootill and the other four Champions she transported there at the same instant. As the words for the spell formed in her mind she heard a strange, but wonderfully familiar, sound escape Oomba’s throat.

A clearing of his throat. It was such a special sound to the Goddess. One the Fur, when in his prime, had reserved just for her for it had often been their secret signal. It meant, ‘What I am about to say has special meaning to you’. Siberlee was swept up in emotion. She knew that if Oomba had made such a sound, that his reminiscing thoughts must be of her. Her heart went out to him, wishing that he could see her - but knowing he could not. Then Oomba spoke.

“Did you think that a mere 300 season’s would stop the hair standing up on the back of my neck when you are near?” He asked, turning around to face her.

“My Love,” she sputtered, “you can see me?”

“I can not see or hear you,” his voice returned facing just slightly away from her, “but the feeling of your presence; of that, there is no question. I know that we can not touch, but can you at least reveal yourself to me? I have missed seeing the curve of your face… and the light of your soul”

Siberlee, let the Winds Reflection spell drop, her form's luminescence grew in the shadows of the Manta tree and finally appeared to the aging Goldenfur. It was not Soosa, the old woman of the woods he saw, but the lovely Whitefur that his kind always saw Siberlee as. She was as lovely as he remembered; her animal half well muscled and firm, covered with a snow colored fur that captured glints of moonlight rippling down from her full mane to her sleek tail. The skin on the human half of her torso was cream, its fair milky texture glowing in the moonlight, blending and merging with her snow fur and the pallid locks of hair that caressed her shoulder, cradled her breast, and culminated at her navel just above her front haunches.

 

[Commonmind]

Ok, you didn't want a critique on grammar and so I will only say there are problems there that need to be addressed, especially in structure. So, moving past that, I liked this excerpt. It was refreshing, flowed very well, and was done tactfully; I didn't see it as sappy, but felt that the emotion was spot on. I would definitely have kept going had there been more, and if this were the first thing I read when I picked up your book in the store, I would have popped it in the basket (and since I'm a picky ******* these days, that's a huge compliment).

 

[emburmak]

It is quite a good but contains errors in the areas you want critiqued which I will try to point out. Please take it in good faith and ignore if you want to. Em




Oomba's Reunion


True love can always make time pass, but time can never make true love pass.
Oomba - Goldenfur prophet in the 2600’s

Oomba, The Wise One, chose to wait by the Grayfur’s camp and let Mootil, the new leader of The Gentle Ones return to the village alone. It is his time not mine. The aging prophet thought. It is the cub Leader’s thunder for him to savor; I will stay here and marvel at the stars for a time. The elder Fur pondered as he watched Mootill slowly return to their village.
Oomba had never been prouder of his charge, never been prouder of any creature alive or dead, if the truth be told. Mootill had successfully completed the ritual. Not only that, but it is quite evident that Siberlee has been watching over him. I pray my old lover will continue safeguarding him, the ancient mused.

>I take we have a POV change here? I am one of those old-farts who gets thrown when there are characther POV changes in one scene. By the way is he watching the stars or his charge? He certainly cannot do both.

Siberlee, in the form of Soosa, the old woman from the woods, had in fact been watching over Mootill; just as she was now watching over Ooomba. She was behind the older Fur maybe seven paces, in the shadows of the dying Manta tree the Grayfur’s camp was built around. Even so, she had protected herself magically so that none may see her.

>This is incomprehensible. If she is 7 paces behind Ooomba, who is watching Mootil depart to village, how can the same camp be built around the Manta tree where she is hidding if Ooomba is by it? Or is the camp that small?

Soosa, gazed upon the old Fur with wonder. How I have missed you my love, she silently thought, considering how even with the coming of age, Oomba still presented a fine chiseled form of masculinity. She wanted to speak to him… but knew that with her spell, Winds Reflection, the old Fur would never see her, let alone hear her words.

Besides, it was not the time for Oomba yet, as much as she would like it to be. It was Mootill’s time. The time for Mootill to be transported to The Temple of The One. The young fur had just made The Decision of Good and thus it was time for Mootill to fulfill his destiny, a destiny far more reaching than being the Leader of a small clan in the heart of Ooloo.

>This difficult to understand. What do you mean by it is not Ooomba's time but it is his protege's? Initially I thought it meant when Ooomba would join her in the after-life, but the link with Mootil makes that less likely.

Both star crossed lovers watched the young Fur go down the path towards his destiny. One moment he was on the path to the village, with the help of another spell From Siberlee, the next moment he was gone.

>This is quite unclear. I think it would be better to say---One moment he was on the path to the village, the next moment, with the help of another spell from Siberlee, he was gone.

“Did you think that a mere 300 season’s would stop the hair standing up on the back of my neck when you are near?” He asked, turning around to face her.

“My Love,” she sputtered, “you can see me?”

“I can not see or hear you,” his voice returned facing just slightly away from her, “but the feeling of your presence; of that, there is no question.

>This is not clear. Is he answering her or throwing a statment.

Siberlee, let the Winds Reflection spell drop, her form's luminescence grew in the shadows of the Manta tree and finally appeared to the aging Goldenfur. It was not Soosa, the old woman of the woods he saw, but the lovely Whitefur that his kind always saw Siberlee as. She was as lovely as he remembered; her animal half well muscled and firm, covered with a snow colored fur that captured glints of moonlight rippling down from her full mane to her sleek tail. The skin on the human half of her torso was cream, its fair milky texture glowing in the moonlight, blending and merging with her snow fur and the pallid locks of hair that caressed her shoulder, cradled her breast, and culminated at her navel just above her front haunches.

>I do not want to sound pedantic, but how will he know how his beloved would appear as? From the scene it is clear they have not seen since she transmuted ascended whatever, so how is he to know how she should appear as? I think that is a POV confusion, Ooomba thinking as Siberlee/Soosa is and vice versa.


Who exactly is she? Is she Siberlee masqurading as the goddess Soosa or the goddess Soosa appearing in Siberlee's form?


In conclusion, you jumped from Siberlee to Soosa so often, I became confused. And then Ooomba thought things he could not have unless he was privy to S/S's thought patterns. Not only that but there is a lack of POV discipline. Jumping from he to her and back is so confusing and instead of seeing one scene through one characther with its attendent limitations, we end up seeing it from two sides, blurring it completely.



My advice is stick to one POV per scene or come down from Omni to one characther only per scene. It becomes confusing when immersed in a characther you are suddenly placed in another characther's POV. So instead of imagining the scene close-up through one set of eyes, one end's up analysing it from a detached view through many sets.

 

[Arumbus]

Thank you both for your critiques and viewpoints.

Commonmind - I will save a copy for you when it is published! ;-)

Emburmak, I do agree with several of you points and will utilize them in the fore coming re-write. Many of the questions you have were addressed in the previous five chapters, thus causing some of your confusion or questions. For example:

I do not want to sound pedantic, but how will he know how his beloved would appear as? From the scene it is clear they have not seen since she transmuted ascended whatever, so how is he to know how she should appear as? I think that is a POV confusion, Ooomba thinking as Siberlee/Soosa is and vice versa.

It is well established in chapter 1 and chapter 3 that

a) Siberlee (yes, she is a Goddess or what they call Mothers) often travels as Soosa, the old woman of the woods.

b) That Siberlee when she appears to Furs is always appears a beautiful Whitefur (BTW a Whitefur in Fur culture and caste system is a Phophet being devine (or at least close too it) in nature. Oomba, being the spiritual leader (who becomes a prophet and Disciple of Siberlee) of this clan of furs certainly would know how Siberlee would appear to him, or any other Fur.


I will still look tho, at all the questions you pose... as we all know readers have a short memory so sometimes you have to spell it out (not meaning you - you have not read the first 5 chapters).

Another note (and I hope it does not sound defensive), but in mythical fantasy filled with magic and mystery (at least mine)... some things are meant to be left unanswered or may even sound implausible in your world or mine - but not in theirs – it is often part of the romance – think back to greek mythology... (hope that does not sound like a cop out to excuse sloppy writing – twas not meant to be).

Others, by device or design, are re-occurring questions that pop up a few times in several scenes or chapters... only to me answered much later in the book when it all "comes together" in some climatic revelation and the reader goes "AHHHHH, now I know why xyz did(said) abc.”

That said, I will review many of them to make sure I am not totally confusing my readers.

Thanx - Rick