Wolfeborn
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2005
- Messages
- 106
ok this contains elements of fantasy/ sci-fi so I thought id post it on here for you lot to have a gander at. Any comments muchly apprecitated.
This is not an autobiography although there are moments of truth in it, some is fantasy, some is fact, and a lot of it is made up of the random thoughts we all have but are too busy too tired or too damn lazy to express.
I sit here at my desk in a glorious open plan office wondering what the hell happened to my life. I still remember being 6 throwing stones at my best friend and thinking this could be the best time of my life, right up until he threw one and it hit me in the mouth chipping my tooth and scarring me for life.
This is about my mind the inner turmoil inside of me, and the insane paranoia that grips me every waking moment, am I insane, mad, mental, freakish, doolally, crazy, tapped, a few sandwiches short of a picnic, Touched?
We all have thoughts that just jump in there, for no apparent reason there we are getting on with our everyday lives when bam; we realise that where we are today at the age of 24 is not exactly what we had hoped for when we were younger, ever since the age of 9 I have wanted to write but me being the lazy fool that I am have never gotten around to writing the kind of things I wanted to, let alone finishing any of it and sending it off to the great golden publishers in the sky.
You may be sitting there reading this and wondering why I should read this young idiot’s ramblings, about how he’s so disappointed that his life didn’t turn out the way he wanted it when he was 15, well I’ll tell you: The best is yet to come. We all have secrets, thoughts we think but should never be allowed to be told, things we’d rather our wives, friends, children, mothers and family would not hear. These are mine, my dirty little secrets that we hate so much that we cant let them out, the feelings we have for one another, the things we’d like to be things we wished we’d done and most importantly things we wish we could go back and change.
One of the most life changing things that ever happened to me, and the reason why I’m still with the same girlfriend after 6 years of ups downs and better ups is that at the age of 7 I fell in love, with a girl at primary school called Anna, I adored her, I would follow her around and look at her from afar, by the age of nine I had plucked up the courage to make a few telephone calls which ended in embarrassment, as she could not go to the cinema with me due to her father. But that is not the thing that would alter my life, as far as women were concerned.
Like most people at that Age I got one of my friends to ask her out for me, and she said Yes. Problem is I panicked, big time. I could not believe that this angel, this vision of beauty would dream of going out with me, so I hid like a little girl ( I was a little boy so cant blame me too much) this is when things started to go really wrong, my best friend john decided I was being an idiot (which I was) and tried to drag me out of the bike sheds, however in a school the size of mine this did not go unnoticed, so a few more joined in there I was crapping myself because a pretty girl wanted to go out with me and I was about to get dragged to her by half of the boys in the school. I was picked up and carried across the playground by this mob, towards my waiting princess, who by now was thinking what the heck is going on probably. So here I was floating on a wave of hands, towards her, and I lost it I lashed out biting my best friend (we still are amazingly)and ran away from her, and ever since I’ve been running from girls. This is my most embarrassing moment, and now it is written down it seems almost as bad as in my memories, but what scares me most is do people remember, does she?
Although this may be my most embarrassing moment it is hardly my darkest secret.
Would you get locked up in this day and age for believing that you were something that you were not?
Take Jesus, some people believe that the Jesus portrayed in the new testament was not in fact the real son of god, however if He were to appear now would we ever know, isn’t it far more plausible that the son of God did arrive but is locked up somewhere in a nursing home dribbling down his chin because of the multiple shock treatments given to him by the “carers”.
If this is the case then there truly is no hope for one such as me, perhaps I could be helped to overcome these delusions or perhaps they are real, or maybe just maybe I so badly want them to be true to inject some colour into my sad pathetic excuse of a life that I will make myself believe that I think this way.
A day in my life
8-10am get up contemplate suicide before realising that I can’t come up with a shocking enough way to do it and so many choices, a big problem when you’re indecisive, I mean there’s hanging, the tried and tested razor blade, jumping off something high, bullet in the head (where would I get a gun?), Tying a rock to ones leg and jumping off bridge, now for the more inventive ways, pissing off skinheads, always a risk of not dying there and pain is not fun, chain yourself to a train track, having a cup of tea on the m25, sky diving accident cut your own parachute strings (they’ll be trying to figure that out for months), bury yourself alive, not nice but could work, join the Army ha-ha!
9-11am go to work having forgotten to make dinner figure out how to pay for food, bumble about for a couple of hours making it look like your hard at work when actually playing comp games on phone in toilet, making cups of tea and going for fag breaks, do a small amount of work realise it’s a waste time doss for a bit more.
11am official fag break, take a trip downstairs in the rain, speak a load of crap to “work mates” and come back up to doss some more.
11am-4pm Doss a bit more, talk rubbish to other workers, get bored doss some more, look on internet for something interesting yet work related looking so can fob off any nosey parkers, have lunch at some point between these hours, which will involve getting something to eat and then coming back to the office for a bit more dosing before the afternoons doing naff all session.
4pm-6:40pm go home get bus have to wait at least 10 min’s for bus to arrive no matter what time have left work, contemplate jumping into the road as huge lorry rolls past and then think better of it. Get bus slob around give girlfriend some stick, (how the heck do I have a girlfriend hmm)
7pm – bedtime (which could be anywhere from 10pm-4am), usually involves, watching a film with the girlfriend, playing some mindless computer game, avoiding doing the washing up and then, having sex, on the 1-3 nights of the week I can be bothered, then going to sleep, or trying to as my hectic mind wrestles with the constant thoughts racing through my brain, am I crazy, who am I, what is this all about, where am I going with my life, how can I afford to do what I want to do, will I ever get a job doing what I really want to do, And why am I so bloody mediocre at everything, the mediocrity that is my life is driving me insane.
Is that a normal average everyday life, and I’m pretty sure a lot of you reading this could say a lot of the same things happen to you, most of us think we could be doing better than what we are, and most of us do nothing about it. What then is my answer? What is my glorious epiphany? How can we claw our way out of the slime onto the beaches and into the glorious human race?
I have no answers; do I look like a self help therapist? No, I am just a man like all the others; the only thing is I believe my own hype, I know that I am an all powerful being on some level of consciousness I can accomplish anything I want, I have a destiny to become great but perhaps not until I die?
So now we get down to the nitty gritty, the part we’ve all been waiting for, the all encompassing all powerful madness that resides inside my mind, the terrible fact that I just might be a complete and utter nut job.
Ok here is the first and possible the last time I will tell this tale. Ever since I was a little boy I have dreamed about another world that resides alongside our own, encompassing it, surrounding it and holding it together; this you might say is the psychic world, the world just beyond the reach of our waking moments.
Many believe they can tap into this world to grasp some understanding of the world around us, to hold onto something from the past, or in the vain hope of a telepathic connection with a relative or loved one in a time of strife.
People say they see ghosts all the time, are these manifestations of there dreaming world projected into the waking one by our subconscious, or are the truly the spirits of the dead doomed to walk the mortal realm for all eternity?
Spiritualists, scientists and religious acolytes have been debating this topic for centuries, but I digress, this is not about the debate but about the truth that I believe beyond all doubt, yet wish that I did not for if what I believe is not the truth then surely by our societies rules I must be mad.
I believe that a war rages beyond our recognition, the forces of good and evil battle one another in the dreamlike world; each entity in this realm is one person’s subconscious mind battling with inner turmoil. Those who fight for the good side are on the whole good people, they may lead boring or simple or even exciting rock star lives but they are deep down good people. Those that fight on the evil side are although they may not seem it evil, these are not just the mass murderer’s rapist etc in our world, and these are the politicians who take backhanders, the dirty cop the little boy who likes to shoot at cats with his air rifle. Some people change sides all the time but others, those who are touched by fate to guide the rest who do not actively participate in this war....
Great oh this is just fantastic, you start writing an innocent little tale, mixed in with a few harmless facts about your life and not wanting to hurl yourselves to the wolves too much you show it to a few friends. What do they do you ask? Well I’ll tell you.
Picture the scene Here I sit at my desk in this glorious 10 foot by 10 foot cell, I take special note of the rather extraordinary wall paper, if by any chance it was painted black you’d think you’d wandered into an S&M Dungeon in some couples basement used to take their minds of their boring repressed little lives in the real world. But oh wait paint it white they’ll think there living in a cloud.
In case you haven’t guessed I have been transferred to a low security mental institution, and no I’m not really in a padded cell, although I may as well be, I do get to continue writing but the psychiatrist likes to take a little look before I’m allowed to send anything for publishing.
Oh well at least my life’s a little more interesting now, I do get to talk to the son of God every day except every other Saturday when he goes into town dressed as sally the barmaid.
Touched:
I sit here at my desk in a glorious open plan office wondering what the hell happened to my life. I still remember being 6 throwing stones at my best friend and thinking this could be the best time of my life, right up until he threw one and it hit me in the mouth chipping my tooth and scarring me for life.
This is about my mind the inner turmoil inside of me, and the insane paranoia that grips me every waking moment, am I insane, mad, mental, freakish, doolally, crazy, tapped, a few sandwiches short of a picnic, Touched?
We all have thoughts that just jump in there, for no apparent reason there we are getting on with our everyday lives when bam; we realise that where we are today at the age of 24 is not exactly what we had hoped for when we were younger, ever since the age of 9 I have wanted to write but me being the lazy fool that I am have never gotten around to writing the kind of things I wanted to, let alone finishing any of it and sending it off to the great golden publishers in the sky.
You may be sitting there reading this and wondering why I should read this young idiot’s ramblings, about how he’s so disappointed that his life didn’t turn out the way he wanted it when he was 15, well I’ll tell you: The best is yet to come. We all have secrets, thoughts we think but should never be allowed to be told, things we’d rather our wives, friends, children, mothers and family would not hear. These are mine, my dirty little secrets that we hate so much that we cant let them out, the feelings we have for one another, the things we’d like to be things we wished we’d done and most importantly things we wish we could go back and change.
One of the most life changing things that ever happened to me, and the reason why I’m still with the same girlfriend after 6 years of ups downs and better ups is that at the age of 7 I fell in love, with a girl at primary school called Anna, I adored her, I would follow her around and look at her from afar, by the age of nine I had plucked up the courage to make a few telephone calls which ended in embarrassment, as she could not go to the cinema with me due to her father. But that is not the thing that would alter my life, as far as women were concerned.
Like most people at that Age I got one of my friends to ask her out for me, and she said Yes. Problem is I panicked, big time. I could not believe that this angel, this vision of beauty would dream of going out with me, so I hid like a little girl ( I was a little boy so cant blame me too much) this is when things started to go really wrong, my best friend john decided I was being an idiot (which I was) and tried to drag me out of the bike sheds, however in a school the size of mine this did not go unnoticed, so a few more joined in there I was crapping myself because a pretty girl wanted to go out with me and I was about to get dragged to her by half of the boys in the school. I was picked up and carried across the playground by this mob, towards my waiting princess, who by now was thinking what the heck is going on probably. So here I was floating on a wave of hands, towards her, and I lost it I lashed out biting my best friend (we still are amazingly)and ran away from her, and ever since I’ve been running from girls. This is my most embarrassing moment, and now it is written down it seems almost as bad as in my memories, but what scares me most is do people remember, does she?
Although this may be my most embarrassing moment it is hardly my darkest secret.
Would you get locked up in this day and age for believing that you were something that you were not?
Take Jesus, some people believe that the Jesus portrayed in the new testament was not in fact the real son of god, however if He were to appear now would we ever know, isn’t it far more plausible that the son of God did arrive but is locked up somewhere in a nursing home dribbling down his chin because of the multiple shock treatments given to him by the “carers”.
If this is the case then there truly is no hope for one such as me, perhaps I could be helped to overcome these delusions or perhaps they are real, or maybe just maybe I so badly want them to be true to inject some colour into my sad pathetic excuse of a life that I will make myself believe that I think this way.
A day in my life
8-10am get up contemplate suicide before realising that I can’t come up with a shocking enough way to do it and so many choices, a big problem when you’re indecisive, I mean there’s hanging, the tried and tested razor blade, jumping off something high, bullet in the head (where would I get a gun?), Tying a rock to ones leg and jumping off bridge, now for the more inventive ways, pissing off skinheads, always a risk of not dying there and pain is not fun, chain yourself to a train track, having a cup of tea on the m25, sky diving accident cut your own parachute strings (they’ll be trying to figure that out for months), bury yourself alive, not nice but could work, join the Army ha-ha!
9-11am go to work having forgotten to make dinner figure out how to pay for food, bumble about for a couple of hours making it look like your hard at work when actually playing comp games on phone in toilet, making cups of tea and going for fag breaks, do a small amount of work realise it’s a waste time doss for a bit more.
11am official fag break, take a trip downstairs in the rain, speak a load of crap to “work mates” and come back up to doss some more.
11am-4pm Doss a bit more, talk rubbish to other workers, get bored doss some more, look on internet for something interesting yet work related looking so can fob off any nosey parkers, have lunch at some point between these hours, which will involve getting something to eat and then coming back to the office for a bit more dosing before the afternoons doing naff all session.
4pm-6:40pm go home get bus have to wait at least 10 min’s for bus to arrive no matter what time have left work, contemplate jumping into the road as huge lorry rolls past and then think better of it. Get bus slob around give girlfriend some stick, (how the heck do I have a girlfriend hmm)
7pm – bedtime (which could be anywhere from 10pm-4am), usually involves, watching a film with the girlfriend, playing some mindless computer game, avoiding doing the washing up and then, having sex, on the 1-3 nights of the week I can be bothered, then going to sleep, or trying to as my hectic mind wrestles with the constant thoughts racing through my brain, am I crazy, who am I, what is this all about, where am I going with my life, how can I afford to do what I want to do, will I ever get a job doing what I really want to do, And why am I so bloody mediocre at everything, the mediocrity that is my life is driving me insane.
Is that a normal average everyday life, and I’m pretty sure a lot of you reading this could say a lot of the same things happen to you, most of us think we could be doing better than what we are, and most of us do nothing about it. What then is my answer? What is my glorious epiphany? How can we claw our way out of the slime onto the beaches and into the glorious human race?
I have no answers; do I look like a self help therapist? No, I am just a man like all the others; the only thing is I believe my own hype, I know that I am an all powerful being on some level of consciousness I can accomplish anything I want, I have a destiny to become great but perhaps not until I die?
So now we get down to the nitty gritty, the part we’ve all been waiting for, the all encompassing all powerful madness that resides inside my mind, the terrible fact that I just might be a complete and utter nut job.
Ok here is the first and possible the last time I will tell this tale. Ever since I was a little boy I have dreamed about another world that resides alongside our own, encompassing it, surrounding it and holding it together; this you might say is the psychic world, the world just beyond the reach of our waking moments.
Many believe they can tap into this world to grasp some understanding of the world around us, to hold onto something from the past, or in the vain hope of a telepathic connection with a relative or loved one in a time of strife.
People say they see ghosts all the time, are these manifestations of there dreaming world projected into the waking one by our subconscious, or are the truly the spirits of the dead doomed to walk the mortal realm for all eternity?
Spiritualists, scientists and religious acolytes have been debating this topic for centuries, but I digress, this is not about the debate but about the truth that I believe beyond all doubt, yet wish that I did not for if what I believe is not the truth then surely by our societies rules I must be mad.
I believe that a war rages beyond our recognition, the forces of good and evil battle one another in the dreamlike world; each entity in this realm is one person’s subconscious mind battling with inner turmoil. Those who fight for the good side are on the whole good people, they may lead boring or simple or even exciting rock star lives but they are deep down good people. Those that fight on the evil side are although they may not seem it evil, these are not just the mass murderer’s rapist etc in our world, and these are the politicians who take backhanders, the dirty cop the little boy who likes to shoot at cats with his air rifle. Some people change sides all the time but others, those who are touched by fate to guide the rest who do not actively participate in this war....
The rest of this excerpt has been removed due to the sensitive nature of the material.
….Dr Manfred von Hustenwaith…
Picture the scene Here I sit at my desk in this glorious 10 foot by 10 foot cell, I take special note of the rather extraordinary wall paper, if by any chance it was painted black you’d think you’d wandered into an S&M Dungeon in some couples basement used to take their minds of their boring repressed little lives in the real world. But oh wait paint it white they’ll think there living in a cloud.
In case you haven’t guessed I have been transferred to a low security mental institution, and no I’m not really in a padded cell, although I may as well be, I do get to continue writing but the psychiatrist likes to take a little look before I’m allowed to send anything for publishing.
Oh well at least my life’s a little more interesting now, I do get to talk to the son of God every day except every other Saturday when he goes into town dressed as sally the barmaid.
.
