Here I go again( Shot expert 540 somthing words)

[The_Warrior]

Ok, here's a new expert I wrote about a couple days ago. I woukd like people who critiqued my other experts before, to critique this one if they can.

To me, it seems like I've improved slightly since my last experts, but I want to see what you think. I want critiques on style,grammer,and on story please.

Denellow helplessly fell to the ground. Every thought of any hope, quickly rushed away, as he puffed out hard breathes, with the scent of death in each one of them. The dirt path touched his hands and knees. Forcing his eyes lids to stay open, Gellow couldn’t let them close now, but could let the darkness of the treetops over shadow him. They could be the only things that were keeping the string of life still tied to the hole of strength.

Moonlight was the only light on top of the green palm trees of the breezy and starry night, and Renkif could clearly see that. Steering his dragon to a clearing in the forest, his hands focused on steering, and eyes focused on looking through openings of the treetops. Where are you Denellow? He thought with frustration. Closer the dragon got to the clearing; the more the breeze blew against Renkif. ​

The temptation of just laying down filled Denellow’s body so much, but had to resist it. His aching muscles, cut up face, and exhausted soul begged him to give in to all the weakness. Though he knew this could just be a brief moment of the of night to be, if he got up. ​

Looking up to the path, he saw fire, three balls of fire, no, three torches. Faraway off from the path, behind hundreds of tree trunks, they lit up with the color of orange, yellow, and red, like any fire on a torch would look like. Though it was too dark to see who or what was holding them, but it was enough to get Denellow up fast. He moved his brown hair out of his eyes so he could see more clearly and limped over to nearest tree.​

The torches seemed to move back to the direction that they were coming from. This puzzled Denellow. Did they see him? Were they coming back, or just going to hide? They weren’t the enemies that were hunting him, but were something that happened to possibly see him. Denellow didn’t think they would just occur to go back from where they were coming from, it seemed suspicious and somewhat frightening. ​

He still felt very fatigue as the light breeze blew against him, and his black cloak. If Renkif ever got here, Denellow exactly knew what he wanted to do; he planned it all out while he stood by the tree. Grasping the small trunk of the tree with his dark blood dripping hand. With trees surrounding his whole space, except the path. Denellow bent down slowly and picked up the closest large branch he could find, then rose back up slowly.​

Having one hand holding on to the trunk, and the other holding on to the branch, on the same level of slightly below his chest. He stood there, hoping for something, anything to happen. Not wanting to move for a while, because of possible traps hidden everywhere, he looked in back of him. Through the tops of the palm trees, you could see, the vast hill of which Castle Mav’rolt stood upon. The orange and reddish glow from the holes that contained fire on the large towers could be seen from miles away. ​

​

A loud grunt from behind Denellow made him sharply turn around with surprise. In front of him stood a figure, a figure, which didn’t look human.

 

[chrispenycate]

Still got some way to go: and it's excerpt. I'm the expert, and have a badge to prove it (it does not, however, specify in what I am an expert hums gently "He's the universal expert, and he really is to blame,
his answers come from far away no more" "down, boy, this is supposed to be serious; besides, nobody'll remember it"

Ok, here's a new expert I wrote about a couple days ago. I woukd like people who critiqued my other experts before, to critique this one if they can.

To me, it seems like I've improved slightly since my last experts, but I want to see what you think. I want critiques on style,grammer,and on story please.

Denellow helplessly fell to the ground. Every thought of any hope,​

no comma, unless you're deliberately attempting a disjointed, panting rhythm

quickly rushed away, as he puffed out hard breathes

breaths

, with the scent of death in each one of them. The dirt path touched his hands and knees. Forcing his eyes lids to stay open, Gellow couldn’t let them close now, but could let the darkness of the treetops over shadow

overshadow

him. They could be the only things that were keeping the string of life still tied to the hole of strength.

The metaphore "hole of strength" seems a little - stretched to me

Moonlight was the only light on top of the green palm trees of the breezy and starry night, and Renkif could clearly see that.​

not only is there a repetition of the word "light" (easy to eliminate "The moon gave the only light" or equivalent, but the palm trees don't belong to the night (if you see what I mean) and - in moonlight, they're not green (probably because there's not enough light to detect colour, but check it; they're either dark against the sky or silvery) The "could clearly see that reads as if it were tacked on as an afterthought

Steering his dragon to a clearing in the forest, his hands focused on steering,

try and avoid repetition of the word "steering". "Directing", "guiding" for the first one, perhaps?

and eyes focused on looking through openings of the treetops. Where are you Denellow? He thought with frustration.

The closer

Closer the dragon got to the clearing;

just a comma

the more the breeze blew against Renkif.

​

The temptation of just laying​

temptation to just lie down

down filled Denellow’s body so much

I don't think the "so much" adds anything; perhaps "totally", but probably just as strong with nothing

, but

he

had to resist it. His aching muscles, cut up face, and exhausted soul begged him to give in to all the weakness. Though he knew this could just be a brief moment of the of night to be, if he got up.

​

what is that last sentence trying to say?

Looking up to the path, he saw fire, three balls of fire, no, three torches. Faraway off​

"of" or "from" but not both (and if it's "off" it needs a comma in front

from the path, behind hundreds of tree trunks, they lit up with the color of orange, yellow, and red, like any fire on a torch would look like. Though it was too dark to see who or what was holding them, but

no "but" (or no "though" at the beginning)

it was enough to get Denellow up fast. He moved his brown hair out of his eyes so he could see more clearly and limped over to nearest tree.

​

The torches seemed to move back to​

in?

the direction that they were coming from. This puzzled Denellow. Did they see him? Were they coming back, or just going to hide? They weren’t the enemies that were hunting him, but were something that happened to possibly see him. Denellow didn’t think they would just occur to go back from where they were coming from, it seemed suspicious and somewhat frightening.

​

those last two sentences are a little difficult to understand, and thus to correct "Although not the enemies hunting him, they might just possibly have seen him. Denellow thought it unlikely they would return where they were coming from by chance" Is that right, or have I copletely misunderstood it?

He still felt very fatigue​

fatigued

as the light breeze blew against him, and his black cloak. If Renkif ever got here, Denellow exactly knew

I didn't correct it first time, but putting the adverb before the verb is strange. "knew exactly"

what he wanted to do; he

had

planned it all out while he stood by the tree. Grasping the small trunk of the tree with his dark blood dripping

dark, blood-dripping

hand. With trees surrounding his whole space, except the path.

fragment ( no transitive verb, thus not a full stop) And trees surround the path, too; there's presumably a clearing (to land dragons in) but otherwise the path winds between them. Perhaps "filling", or "everywhere except on the path"

Denellow bent down slowly and picked up the closest large branch he could find, then rose back up slowly.

​

I assume it was detached from the tree? And if you could remove one of the "slowly"s

Having one hand holding on to the trunk, and the other holding on to the branch, on the same level of slightly below his chest.​

comma rather than full stop. But I'd put With one hand holding the trunk and the other his branch, he hoped something, anything would happen

He stood there, hoping for something, anything to happen. Not wanting to move for a while, because of possible traps hidden everywhere, he looked in back of him. Through the tops of the palm trees,

no comma

you could see,

no comma

the vast hill of

no "of"

which Castle Mav’rolt stood upon. The orange and reddish glow from the holes that contained fire on the large towers could be seen from miles away.

​

"that contained fire" is just too clumsy, and I hate "large". "fireholes" and ​

A loud grunt from behind Denellow made him sharply

without the "sharply"?

turn around with surprise. In front of him stood a figure, a figure, which didn’t look

human.

Did I critique your previous one?
At the beginning we're rather saturated with names, considering how few characters we meet. I assume "Renkif" is a dragon; but who is "Gellow"? I'd probably know it I'd read the previous chapters, but I evidently haven't.

 

[The_Warrior]

Renkif is the person that was flying the dragon.

 

[Erin99]

Okay, here goes...

Ok, here's a new expert [Excerpt!]I wrote about a couple days ago. I woukd like people who critiqued my other experts before, to critique this one if they can.

To me, it seems like I've improved slightly since my last experts [!], but I want to see what you think. I want critiques on style,grammer,and on story please.



Denellow helplessly [adverb lessens effect]fell to the ground. Every thought of any hope, [clunky. Maybe just "Hope rushed away"]quickly [remove adverb] rushed away, [remove comma] as he puffed out [puffed out = exhailed] hard breathes, with the scent of death in each one of them. The dirt path touched his hands and knees. Forcing his eyes lids to stay open, Clunky word usage. Try "He forced his eyes to stay open." Then have the next few words as a new sentence] Gellow couldn’t let them close now, but could let the darkness of the treetops over shadow [over shadow = overshadow] him. They could be the only things that were keeping the string of life still tied to the hole of strength.[too much "this of that". Also, not quite sure what you mean by this sentence! You could try "They were the only things keeping him alive"]

Moonlight was the only light on top of the green palm trees All palm trees are green, aren't they? Also, would they look green when moonlight shines on them? I'd say they'd be considerably darker.] of the breezy and starry [Double use of adjectives. Just use one?] night, and Renkif could clearly see that [Could he? Even in the dark? Unless your character has better eyesight? I don't know; you've not described him in this piece.]. Steering his dragon to a clearing in the forest, his hands focused on steering, [don't need comma. Also, double use of the word "steering".] and eyes focused on looking through openings of the treetops. Where are you Denellow? He [No capital letter in "He", since it's a continuation of the sentence.] thought with frustration "with frustration" is telling rather than showing. You can show us he's frustrated by the words he says, or his body language.]. [The] Closer the dragon got to the clearing; [don't use a semi-colon; use a comma here.] the more the breeze blew against Renkif.

The temptation of just laying down filled Denellow’s body so much, but had to resist it. His aching muscles, cut up face, and exhausted soul begged him to give in to all the weakness. Though he knew this could just be a brief moment of the of night to be, if he got up.

Looking up to the path, he saw fire, three balls of fire, no, three torches. [Extremely clunky sentence! Perhaps "Looking up the path, he saw three balls of fire. No, he realised, they were three torches." Also, you could add more description here. Three balls of fire brings no great imagery to my mind. You could say something about the play of light around the fires, or even something about how he feels at seeing (what he thinks are) three fire balls hovering in front of him.] Faraway off from the path, behind hundreds of tree trunks, they lit up with the color of orange, yellow, and red, like any fire on a torch would look like. [Again, you could do a better description. Example (though you could do better): "The flames flickered and danced, sometimes appearing yellow, sometimes red, and other times orange."] Though [Remove "Though". Start with "It".] it was too dark to see who or what was holding them, but it [not "it", choose "there"] was enough [light] to get Denellow up fast. He moved his brown hair out of his eyes so he could see more clearly [comma] and [use "then" instead of "and"] limped over to nearest tree.​

The torches seemed to move back to the direction that they were coming from. This puzzled Denellow. Did they see him? Were they coming back, or just going to hide? They weren’t the enemies that were hunting him, but were something that happened to possibly see him [Huh?]. Denellow didn’t think they would just occur to go back from where they were coming from, [semi-colon, no comma. Also, don't understand the meaning of this sentence.] it seemed suspicious and somewhat frightening. ​

He still felt very fatigue [d] as the light breeze blew against him, remove comma] and his black cloak. If Renkif ever got here, Denellow exactly knew [swap to "knew exactly"] what he wanted to do; he [he'd] planned it all out while he stood by the tree. Grasping the small trunk of the tree repeat of "tree". Use "oak" or some other name, instead of a weak noun that does nothing for the imagination.] with his dark blood dripping hand [bloody hand?]. With trees [a forest?] surrounding his whole space, except the path. Denellow bent down slowly adverb that does nothing for the sentence] and picked up the closest large branch he could find, then rose back up slowly [ditto. Why "slowly"? If he's injured, show he hurts by making him wince, etc.].​

Having one hand holding on to the trunk, [remove comma] and the other holding on to the branch, on the same level of slightly below his chest. not full-stop; use comma.] He stood there, [remove comma] hoping for something, anything ["something" and "anything" are the same. Use one or the other.] to happen. Not wanting to move for a while, [remove comma] because of possible traps hidden everywhere, he looked in back [?] of him. Through the tops of the palm trees, [remove comma] you could see, [remove comma] the vast hill of [remove "of"] which Castle Mav’rolt stood upon. The orange and reddish glow from the holes that contained fire on the large towers could be seen from miles away. ​

​

A loud grunt from behind Denellow made him sharply [adverb] turn around with surprise [with suprise = telling rather than showing]. In front of him stood a figure, [not comma; use dash] a figure, [remove comma] which didn’t look human. ​

Overall you've got too many commas. And I'm sorry to say (and this is just my personal opinion) that I didn't become captivated by this piece. I couldn't identify with the main character or his feelings. I think you could add more depth to his thoughts. Also, you could add more lustre to your descriptions; right now they're bland. What I learnt is that you should always use strong nouns, verbs, and adjectives (if needed at all). For example, write "dalmation" instead of "dog" -- adds much more to the imagination, don't you think?

You can only improve with practice, though, so good luck!

​

​

​

 

[Erin99]

Darn! Chrispenycate has posted a reply too! When I started the critique, no one had replied. I should've known I'd be late! I take my hat off to the Grammar King!

Oops! Ah well, at least we've differed in help...

^_^

 

[chrispenycate]

Darn! Chrispenycate has posted a reply too! When I started the critique, no one had replied. I should've known I'd be late! I take my hat off to the Grammar King!

Oops! Ah well, at least we've differed in help...

^_^

Actually, we've agreed on an awful lot (which suggests it might even be right)
I wonder which of us is the expert "shot" in the title?
And it happens to me regularly that I start a critique and two or three others post while I'm working on it; that sort of analysis takes time, no way round it.
And it all goes to prove that at least two people have read it through to the end.

 

[Erin99]

Hmm ... well, I wouldn't say I'm an expert -- I just learnt how to compose a sentence before I considered starting my novel. And as for being shot...

*Checking for bullet holes*

Nope, I'm still whole!

Anyway, since I'm off topic, perhaps, The_Warrior, you could try reading "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White (I'm not sure how they spell their names). I've not read it myself, but I know people that swear by it. The book should improve your understanding of sentence structure.

 

[Commonmind]

Leisha and Chrispen's critiques are fantastic. The only input I'll add (or repeat), is try staying away from overusing adjectives and get rid of all those pleonasms (words, even paragraphs, that are unnecessary). As I've read some of your other excerpts, I do feel this is better, but still needs some work. As Leisha suggested, Elements of Style is a great read for any aspiring writer (and, though someone will surely throw rocks at me for saying, I found Stephen King's On writing to be very insightful).

 

[The_Warrior]

Ok. well thanks again everybody. I check out that one book.