Things had just got worse?

[jackokent]

Hi all

looking for some help with a phrase or how to say it. The context is that my protagonist is in a pretty sticky situation thinking things can't get worse.. then something happens and and things get worse, then something else happens and they get even worse etc etc etc. Right at the end of the chapter, things suddenly get worse one last time.

It's a fairly light hearted romp type novel and what I want to say every time something bad happens ... "things had got worse", or "things just got worse". However, I am a stickler for grammer and it doesn't feel right. Things had gotten worse, feels better but sounds rubbish. I want it to sound punchy, ie at the end she looks up and Oh no... things had just got worse.

How you you chaps say this or do you think the phrase, "things had just got worse" is OK?

 

[Talysia]

I'm rather fond of using the phrase "things just keep going from bad to worse" (depending on the tense) myself, although I don't think there's anything wrong with "things have just got worse". With that one, though, the "gotten" part does seem to fit it better. I can think of a lot of cliched responses ("out of the frying pan, into the fire" or "It never rains..." springs to mind) too.

 

[jackokent]

Thanks Talysia

I want to put the phrase at the end of something happenning so it needs to be short and sharp. This is an actuall example:

Yee sighed massaging the tense muscles of her neck with weary fingers. They encountered metal. Perhaps she was not compltely empty handed after all. In her haste she had forgotten the necklace.
Now for the first time Yee lifted the heavy trinket from her neck and held it up to the moon light. She gasped.
“Oh no!” Yee shook her head in disbelief. She could only stare. “Oh no”.
Things had just got worse!.

 

[HoopyFrood]

I can remember my English teacher told me off for using 'gotten' in a piece of my work, because it's American English rather than British English. But I guess it all depends on whether that matters to you, really!

 

[Talysia]

That works quite well as it is. I know what you mean about using "gotten". I think it would look ok if you did - Things had just gotten worse! - too, though. I'll keep thinking.

 

[mosaix]

Please, please Jacko do not use the word "gotten".

Have you tried the thesaurus? Very often I use it as a source for alternative words and ideas.

Anyway:

• Things had just got worse.
• Things had just got even worse.
• Now things really had got worse.
• Now things were worse than ever!

 

[Commonmind]

Instead of trying to use the phrase (which is a cliche, and in that sense is no better than using the word "gotten;" publishers will shy away from cliches as much as poor word choice) try using something that has the same sentiment, but is analogous - some (bad, and ironically some cliche) examples:

The pot had just bubbled over.

Things were getting better, just not for Yee.

As far as bad turns went, this was the creme.

Somewhere, someone, was having a fantastic day. Yee, on the other hand...

You get the point, I hope.

 

[mosaix]

Nice one Commonmind.

 

[jackokent]

Thanks all

I agree about the word gotten. I hate it.

I'd actually re-written already to get rid of the things getting worse phrase but it didn't sound as punchy. The problem with saying it in a number of different ways is that it happens lots of times. Ie she thinks things can't get worse at the beginning, then they do, then they do again etc etc etc.

Therefore, if need to keep repeating a phrase, even if not that one, to highlight this fact. I like the idea of "this was not Yee's day, and then... this really wasn't Yee's day, this was definately not Yee's day.... etc.

I will keep thinking. Thanks again all

 

[Melanie Nilles]

Why not just leave off the last line? Leave the reader hanging for more so they turn the next page. The reader can figure that something is wrong from the character's "Oh, no." at the end. After that, leave off the statement about getting worse. It doesn't add anything and in fact takes away from the tone of the situation, imho.

 

[jackokent]

Why not just leave off the last line? Leave the reader hanging for more so they turn the next page. The reader can figure that something is wrong from the character's "Oh, no." at the end. After that, leave off the statement about getting worse. It doesn't add anything and in fact takes away from the tone of the situation, imho.

Thanks Melanie

I could just leave it, but throughout the excert / chapter, things keep getting worse. She starts off thinking they can't and they humour is in the fact that they continue to do so. Things getting worse and worse is a sort of thread that runs through it. If it was the first thing that had happenned an "OH no" ending would be fine, but it's not.

I agree though, maybe it does detract and maybe I need to rethink it.

 

[Melanie Nilles]

It's hard to see the forest through the trees, as the old saying goes. As the writer, we're too close to our works to see it with fresh eyes. We all need to remember to give the reader some credit and not spell everything out for them. If your chapter involves going from bad to worse, the reader will figure it out, which makes the final summary statement redundant. Also, less is more, especially in this case. At least, that's my opinion.

 

[Laura Stamps]

Thanks Talysia

I want to put the phrase at the end of something happenning so it needs to be short and sharp. This is an actuall example:

Yee sighed massaging the tense muscles of her neck with weary fingers. They encountered metal. Perhaps she was not compltely empty handed after all. In her haste she had forgotten the necklace.
Now for the first time Yee lifted the heavy trinket from her neck and held it up to the moon light. She gasped.
“Oh no!” Yee shook her head in disbelief. She could only stare. “Oh no”.
Things had just got worse!.

I never use the word "got" unless I have to. It's a nothing kind of verb, no color or action to it, you know?

What about this. It may be very American, but it makes a nice kind of cliff hanger at the end, even though it is also a cliche....


“Oh no!” Yee shook her head in disbelief.
She could only stare. “Oh no," she thought, "here we go again!"

 

[Interference]

And yet again, I join a thread long after everyone has forgotten and you've probably got your answer by now, but I tend towards the subversion school of cliche:

After that, things could only get better.

 

[jackokent]

Just noticed this is still going

thanks everyone else who's posted. No Interference, sadley I haven't got round to the re-write yet so it's all still helpful stuff.

I've decided not to use the word "got" (Laura you are completely right) so it's good to have some more views. But that is just about as far as I've got (sorry used it then ). What's annoying as that I've completely written the entire book and now I've come right back to the beginning and decided I don't like the very first chapter - just becuase of the word got. During this re-write I've actually written another book (a good 500 pages this time) just because I wanted a break to think about the first book. Well I've had my break and I am still coming up with the same problem.

I posted the excert in question on the critiques pages many moons ago but I don't know how to post a link to it. I could post again but it feels a little boring to keep posting up the same old stuff. Happy to share it though if anyone can help.

Thanks again all.