beginning of a fantasy novel... does it hook you?

[RuePantages]

This is the beginning of a novel I'm writing. It's fantasy novel. Just want to know if it hooks you or not. Whether or not after reading it you want to know what happens in Chapter 2 and so on.

Thank you so much. And if the format is too awful to read, please let me know so that I may make proper changes. I don't want to strain anyone's eyes

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[FONT=&quot]Chapter 1[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The test experiment was about to begin.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Luna watched the two men beyond the screen window. They were dressed in only their briefs and nothing more. Wiring attached to their chest and forehead connected over to the computers that monitored their heart and especially their brain waves, for that, Luna knew, was where the Omni Stone rested.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] She knew one of the two men, Fafnir, a grin decorating his face. She watched as he cracked his knuckles and stretched his neck from side to side. He didn’t seem the least bit worried. Of course, why should he be? He had been tested dozens of times like this before. He could handle the Omni Stone and its power. There was no doubt about it.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] But the other man, if one could call him a man for he looked no more than nineteen, Luna’s age, was new to her and had just arrived. And where Fafnir had a look of confidence, the newcomer had a look of utter obliviousness. She wondered why he wasn’t scared or frightened. She had heard from her father what had happened to him, how they discovered him and his Omni Stone. It was a tragic story, one Luna wished she hadn’t been told, but what was worst was they didn’t give him a moment to mourn. She guessed there was no point in it anyway. If he didn’t pass the testing, he, as the many others before him, would be dead before the test was even over.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] All she knew about him was his name. Galton. She prayed to the True Deity, if there was such an entity—and she hoped there was—that he would survive the test.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] She hated seeing the deaths of the newcomers.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Is everything ready, Jin?” asked Luna’s father, Haemon, director of this operation.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Jin took a moment to check the figures. It was his job to make sure everything was normal with the test subject’s heart and brain. Karin’s job, Haemon’s other assistant, was to measure the compatibility the test subjects have with their respectful Omni Stones engraved inside their minds.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Haemon’s job was to observe and authorize. He invented the machine designed to send waves into the mind that react to the Omni Stone and, perhaps more importantly, the substance within the stone, the True, a term coined by Haemon himself. Luna wasn’t altogether sure about her father’s technology and science. She never cared much for it or bothered to try and understand it. She always felt she was more like her mother.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Jin gestured that everything was ready and Haemon padded gently him on the back. He always got excited when he found a newcomer.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Luna.”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Yes, father?”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] He breathed in heavily. “Do you smell it, daughter? Do you feel it? This could be it. I feel it in my gut that it is.”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Luna barely managed a smile. “I hope you’re right.”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] He practically leapt to her side and pecked her on the cheek. “I know it is.”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] After another peck, he leapt to Karin’s side and looked over the figures.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Everything all right, Karin?”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “So far so good, sir. There are no disruptions,” then, as if forcefully, she added, “yet.”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Well done.” He pressed a button activating an intercom within the experiment room where the two men stood waiting. Calmly he said, “Are you both ready?”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Luna wasn’t shocked when Fafnir spoke first.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Ready when you are, captain!” he said, hopping on one foot then the other. To him it was all just an exercise. Or even a game.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “And what about you, newcomer?”

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] The other, Galton, looked around the room wondering where the voice was coming from. Unlike Luna and the others within the observation room, he couldn’t see them.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Luna couldn’t help but smile at Galton. She had heard he was a farmer. This was a whole new world to him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] “Well, boy, are you ready?” Fafnir called to him.[/FONT]
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“Ah... yes, I think so,” Galton said, still securitizing the room.[/FONT]
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“Good. Now just relax, Galton, and everything will be over before you know it.”[/FONT]
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For better or for worse, Luna added with her thoughts.[/FONT]
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Haemon released his finger from the intercom. After a moment of silence—probably in which he thought a small prayer—he turned to Jin and said, “Start the experiment.”[/FONT]
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Jin nodded, and started pressing this knob and that knob and flipping switches.[/FONT]
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Suddenly the experiment room came alive. The room’s lights changed from white to yellow to red and finally to white again where it remained. A humming noise echoed within the observation room and Luna knew the noise sounded like bone crushing bone in the experiment room. She hated that noise more than anything and sometimes thought she could hear it in her dreams.[/FONT]
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After what Luna guessed was five minutes—but to her felt like five millenniums—Haemon asked for a report from his two assistants.[/FONT]
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“Their hearts are functionally normally and no obstructions in their brains,” reported Jin.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Karin reported next. “The True are just beginning to react to the waves, sir. And the Omni Stone has yet to pulse or tremor.”[/FONT]
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“Good. Now we wait.”[/FONT]
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After a moment of utter silence surveying the computers and observing the two test subjects, Jin asked, “Sir, is it true about what they said about the newcomer?”[/FONT]
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Haemon nodded. “Kingdom Pearl’s knights said he was the only survivor in the whole village. Everyone else was slaughtered by a band of Ruldor. But what’s strange is that the Ruldor who attacked, as far as the knights know, were killed, too. Just Galton over here survived.”[/FONT]
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The Ruldor were killed, too? But for that to be so, then...[/FONT]
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Karin asked the question Luna brooded. “Do you think he killed them?”[/FONT]
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“If he managed to Change, then yes, it’s quite possible that he did kill them. I don’t see any other explanation for it. Not without the strength of a Changer.”[/FONT]
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“But if that’s true, sir,” Jin remarked, almost excitedly, “then he’s already survived a Change. He could be our second match.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Luna’s heart fluttered at the very words. She suddenly felt a hope she had felt only once before when Fafnir was being tested for the very first time and passed. She hoped what the Pearl knights said was true. There was just no other way a band of Ruldor could be killed by a single man. Not unless he was a Changer.[/FONT]
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“Let’s hope so, Jin.” Then Haemon sighed unexpectedly. “The Three Kings are not happy with our past year’s experiments. Too many people have died because they can’t handle the Omni Stone they are born with. The Kings are coming here this very night to see how far we’ve progressed since the last time they were here. If they aren’t pleased, they could cut our funds off and close down the Foundation.”[/FONT]
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“How can they do that? Too many people have put their faith in us.”[/FONT]
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“That’s true. But death is not progress and people want to see progress. They’ve even stopped calling Fafnir their Guardian Angel.” Haemon crossed his arms and surveyed the computer monitors. “Report.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Both Jin and Karin reported that everything was normal.[/FONT]
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“The Omni Stone has just begun showing signs of reaction, sir,” Karin added.[/FONT]
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“Keep monitoring. Another half hour and then this will be over.”[/FONT]
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And Luna hoped it would end well. It had to. Too much was at stack. Not just the True Foundation, but the entire world.[/FONT]
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Perhaps, even the universe.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]*[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] Galton didn’t know if what he was feeling was what he was supposed to feel.[/FONT]
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His head felt numb and heavy on top his neck. He started to sway it in circles slightly, trying to relax it. He passed it as being just a tense muscle. He’s felt those before, lots of times after a hard day’s work out on his father’s farm.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] But this was different from his life, his farm, and his village. The room he was in was completely white, from the roof to the floor. The very look of it strained his eyes as if he was looking directly at the Burning Star. But nothing was worse than the noise. It made him think of two wolves leaping at each other’s necks.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] For a reason he couldn’t fathom, he felt like he was one of those wolves. And now he was a caged animal.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] He wondered how he got here. One minute he was standing in his lonely village by the Westbridge leading from the Peal continent to the Ruby continent, and the next he was here. He could hardly remember what happened to him, and could only remember days from before, passing memories. Then, as if waking from a dream, he was in this strange room and everyone was telling him the same thing:

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Everything is going to be just fine.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Why wouldn’t it be?

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] “Hey, boy, how you holding up?” asked the other man in the room with him. He stood behind Galton, their backs to each other.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Galton turned his head to the side, the very movement feeling as though he was pushing a heavy box with just the side of his face. “I’m okay, I think. My head’s numb and I feel a bit dizzy.”[/FONT]
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“That’s normal. You’re brain is feeling something it’s never felt before. Actually, what am I saying? It’s your Omni Stone that’s doing the feeling, not your brain. Technically.”[/FONT]
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Omni Stone?[/FONT]
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“Just sit tight, relax, and it’ll be all be over soon. My name’s Fafnir, by the way. Perhaps you’ve heard of me? The Guardian Angel of Rudina.” And this he seemed to say with a hint of boastfulness.[/FONT]
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But Galton had never heard of the name. He didn’t want to be rude so he ignored the question altogether and instead replied simply with, “I’m Galton.”[/FONT]
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“A pleasure to meet you, Galton,” Fafnir said. Galton couldn’t help but feel calm at the sound of Fafnir’s voice. It was like a cheery whistle. He wondered if Fafnir was always like that. “We’ll shake hands once we’re out of this white dungeon,” then he added—and Galton couldn’t figure out if he was joking or being serious, “If we survive.”[/FONT]
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Suddenly, something changed. A new sound echoed within the room. No, not within the room, but within Galton’s own mind. It was the sound of someone talking, a voice, a whisper. He couldn’t make out any of the words. At first it sounded like one voice which then shifted to a dozen voices, maybe even hundreds. They talked one after the other, and sometimes all at once. Even as the voices gradually became louder and thus clearer, Galton couldn’t discern what they were saying. He knew the words, spoken in a tongue he understood, but something stopped him from comprehending them.[/FONT]
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Then came the pain.[/FONT]
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A sharp pain, like a knife stabbing into his every thought, every feeling. Was this normal? he wondered. Was Fafnir feeling the same thing? It was a pain like none other Galton had ever felt before. It didn’t feel like a headache, not even close.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] It felt like his brain was shattering into bits and pieces.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
He moaned audibly. His breathing became heavier, and his chest heaved with each painful breath. He wished it would stop. That the voices would shut up and the pain would subside.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Hey, Galton, you okay?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“There’s something... wrong...” Galton managed between gasps.[/FONT]
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“The voices?”[/FONT]
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Galton nodded, not knowing—not even caring—if Fafnir could see the gesture. It was less painful for him to move than for him to speak.[/FONT]
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As though Fafnir could sense what Galton was feeling—perhaps feeling the exact same things—he said urgently, “Don’t listen to them. Block them out from your mind. You have to do this, Galton, or you will lose everything.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
I didn’t ask for this. Why the hell am I here? Make it stop![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
As if his mind was torturing him, the pain not only knifed through his brain, it now knifed through his entire body. He screamed out in a rage, struggling to pull the wires from his body off. Without warning, his legs gave out and crashed to the floor. With shaking muscles, he managed to rise on all fours but that did little to ease the pain.[/FONT]
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Then the most frightening thing Galton had ever experienced happened.[/FONT]
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As if from a nightmare, his body was covering itself in blackness. Starting at his fingertips and toes, his skin turned jet-black and it coursed throughout his entire body. Not just his skin, but his insides, too. He couldn’t see it, but he felt it. Like being smothered into dough.[/FONT]
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He couldn’t breathe. His vision became a blur and soon enough he couldn’t see anything. He thought he could hear Fafnir calling to him. Could feel his soft touch. But even that faded away as quickly as it came. [/FONT]
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Galton knew his body, his senses, his entire being was changing into something totally different from what it once was.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] All around him was blackness. The white caged room was gone. He felt nothing. But before gave in to the blackness completely, he thought he heard one of the voices whisper to him something he could finally understand.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
It said, “This is the beginning of our freedom.”[/FONT]

 

[RuePantages]

I apologize MASSIVELY if this topic gets posted more than once. I did not know that the posts are first authorized before they are posted. I thought there was something wrong with my account. I'm so used to forums just saying, "Thank you for posting, we are now returning you to the main page," or something like that. Again, my apologies.

 

[AphroditeMSC]

To be honest, I'm a lil tipsy at the mo. I shall read and reply with gusto.................... tomorrow lol.

 

[artemis]

Well, it hooks me. I'd like to know what happens next, and also to know more about the setting. There seems to be a bit of a dark undertone – clearly the researchers are not afraid to kill people in their experiments – that intrigues me. And I'd want to know how exactly people could be born with a stone in their heads, though Omni Stone does seem a very apt name for something that grants magic/ psychic powers.

For some reason, this sentence:

[FONT=&quot] Then the most frightening thing Galton had ever experienced happened.[/FONT]

struck me as being out of place, or possibly telling when before you were showing. Maybe you could phrase this differently?

Hope this helps...

 

[RuePantages]

Thanks for reading, artemis.

Yes, that does help a lot and I see what you mean. I'm glad it hooked you.