Journey to Neptune

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Alexander Stefan

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This is my first ever short Sci Fi story - any kind of criticism is welcome.

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JOURNEY TO NEPTUNE

BEGINNING OF ARTICLE #379 / 23rd May, 2055 / 22:23 GMT
DATABASE OF THE "COSMIC EXPLORER 3" STARSHIP

By the end of the 50th year of the 21st century, the number of organized explorations within the solar system and beyond, was at a remarkably low average. It almost seemed like mankind had lost its interest and passion for interplanetary and interstellar travel and navigation. But the question was "why"?

For centuries humanity has struggled to answer, perhaps the most crucial of questions: Are we alone, in this dark and cold place we call the "universe"?

As dramatic as it may sound, all of the planets in our solar system - also nicknamed "Alpha System" - have been proven to be extremely inhospitable and hostile to life as we know it. At least, that's what our researchers and scientists at the time concluded.
But this theory wasn't one hundred per cent accurate. By mathematical standards, ninety nine per cent of the entire theory was indeed correct, but what should become of the other one per cent?
That ONE per cent meant that there was more to the solar system than meets the eye. Although we didn't comprehend what it was indicating, was it Mars, was it Mercury, Venus or Jupiter, or maybe even the asteroid belt?
No, these planets were certainly out of the question, due to the thorough research exerted on determining whether or not these planets do indeed have life-supporting capabilities. As expected the research concluded that neither of these planets, or any other planet of the Solar System possesses the capacity to sustain any kind of biological life forms.
It seemed like forever until we finally discovered what the true secret was ... it was Neptune.
Nobody knew what kind of terrain or climate lay beneath the surface of Neptune, all we knew, was that the blue color most certainly marked the existence of water, or maybe even an ocean hiding beneath its surface.
It didn't take long until the president of the International Space Exploration Command (ISEC), Scott Turner, expressed his profound interest for a "full-schedule" campaign dedicated to exploring the deep and inhumane waters, or at least, water-like ocean of Neptune.
The official statement of Turner, was to organize a team of scientists, physicists, and biochemists that would embark on a journey to the far side of Neptune, to a place called "Mare Apollonis", a place which, according to researchers, was the most preferable part of the ocean in which to touch down, and deploy the Mobile Laboratory. The Mobile Laboratory would then, attach itself to the bottom of the ocean where it was scheduled to stay for ten Earth days, analyzing and processing the chemical elements that represented the ocean waters biological properties, in order to establish a conclusive outcome on whether or not, the ocean can support life.

The spaceship "Francis Drake", carrying a team comprised of twenty one scientists, ten physicists and sixteen biochemists, took off from Cape Horizon, North Carolina on October 27th, 2050 - 21:08 GMT.

The journey across the void of space, to Neptune lasted thirty four days, despite the long time it took us to reach Neptunes orbit - more than a month - it was a pretty exciting voyage. I personally had a lot of fun, even though I was in charge of on-board security; a position which would often scare and stir up the passengers - it wasn't my fault the A3 Machine Gun, ISEC provided me with, had such a terrifying design! - but my exceptional taste for quality conversations and politeness, instantly drew up a few people I could have had a decent and uneventful conversation with. There's so much I learned from those people - mostly scientists and biochemists - but I knew damn well, there was a lot I tought them as well.

On November 30th, 2050 - 11:43 GMT, the "Francis Drake" had reached the orbit of Neptune, and touched down in "Mare Apollonis". Once the Mobile Laboratory was deployed on the bottom of the ocean, data recordings began to flow in an instant.

Unlike the water on Earth, Neptunes ocean presented a quantity of eighty per cent hydrogen, nineteen per cent helium, one point five per cent methane, and one hundred ninety two ppm hydrogen deuteride. In short, the water was extremely poisonous and hazardous for human beings.
To be honest, we were all frightened of what we might find at the bottom of those poisonous waters - perhaps the ocean was bottomless, and we were engaging on an unceasing dive to our doom!

To our delight, the ocean was only 4600 meters deep, but what we found at the bottom was both astonishing and outlandish. Apparently some sort of foreign civilization or community had built several caves and little city-like settlements, out of what was obviously a primitive stone-rock construction material.
We didn't know what to believe at that moment - an odd and freaky silence seized the room in the Mobile Laboratory where we were all observing the world that was hidden for some many centuries, just under our noses. Captain Anderson immediately gave orders to deploy the three explorer sentinels and start searching for signs of real-time inhabitants of the underwater cities.
The results were negative, there was no sign of social activity or whereabouts of the creatures that created the cities, whatsoever.
This mystery demanded meticulous research and observation, for it was our first contact with what seemed to be an extraterrestrial species. Every day of the expedition appeared to be even more and more inconclusive, there was no trace of the origins left behind by the alien species that once inhabited these settlements. But we did manage to find out one outcome of the total loneliness and desertion of this underwater world: There was a slight probability according to which, the existence of dry land millions of years ago on Neptune was a possibility, and throughout time the dry land was probably "swallowed" by the increasing tides.

The ten Earth days passed, and we received orders to return to our home-planet and present our discoveries before the wide-open eyes of the world. I for one, don't know what happened after that - I had left Earth in search of a quiet, more peaceful life deep in the System Beyond all Systems, also nicknamed "Beta System".

I've heard rumors, according to which, ISEC had been entirely abandoned by its staff, dismissing president Scott Turner of his position. The reason why it all happened, is extremely unrational and unknown to me.

That was five years go, who knows ... maybe someone will organize a second Journey to Neptune in the not so distant future, but until then, I am forced to except the fact that human naivety and stupidity, had once again made its point upon the skies of Earth, and beyond, on a completely isolated and desolate world called "Neptune", the only world where we can find our fellow Solar System inhabitants ... or perhaps they'll one day find us.

END OF ARTICLE #379 / 23rd May, 2055 / 22:23 GMT
DATABASE OF THE "COSMIC EXPLORER 3" STARSHIP
 
The feel of it was more like a journalistic report then a short story. I think the content would be more dramatic if you involve an actual character and make it personal. It can still be a database if you want but write it first person and give some action and dramatic sequence. Right now it is like you are cramming an entire 400 page novel into one short report or narrative.
The ideas are interesting but the method for me doesn't work because you don't give me anyone to be involved with.
 
I agree with Keri. Looks more like an outline, and a short one at that, than a short story. You could develop this into a longer story in the shape of a journal entry, written in first person by one of the crew members, preferrably not the Commander (someone with more freedom and less responsability).

Other than that, get rid of half of your commas. I can't do a detailed critique right now, but take a careful look at your punctuation. Is that your first draft or have you done some/any revision already?
 
Well, this is my first draft of the story. I thought it would be better to start with a summarized version of the whole story. I have a great deal of work to do regarding my punctuation issues and writing in general.

Addy, can you please post a few examples where the commas just get in the way in the story? Thank you.:)

Best regards, Alex.
 
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For example:


By the end of the 50th year of the 21st century, the number of organized explorations within the solar system and beyond,

That one.

was at a remarkably low average. It almost seemed like mankind had lost its interest and passion for interplanetary and interstellar travel and navigation. But the question was "why"?

For centuries humanity has struggled to answer,


And that one.

perhaps the most crucial of questions: Are we alone, in this dark and cold place we call the "universe"?
 
I've critiqued the first few paragraphs; hopefully you should be able to spot your errors from reading this:


By the end of the 50th year of the 21st century, the number of organized explorations within the solar system and beyond, [the sentence makes no sense if you put the comma here; "the number of organized explorations within the solar system and beyond". See? That's not a complete sentence. Thus, you don't need the comma. Without the comma your sentence reads "the number of organized explorations within the solar system and beyond was at a remarkably low average", which is what you are trying to say.] was at a remarkably low average. It almost seemed like mankind had lost its interest and passion for interplanetary and interstellar travel and navigation. But the question was "why"?

For centuries humanity has struggled to answer, [ditto. No comma here] perhaps the most crucial of questions: Are we alone, [Ditto. The comma here makes one half of this sentence "Are we alone?", and the end half of this line "in this dark and cold place we call the "universe"?" Again, note that you've split the sentence where it doesn't need splitting.] in this dark and cold place we call the "universe"?

As dramatic as it may sound, [Note, this comma IS in the right place. If you take away the words BEFORE the comma, the following words would still make sense because it's a complete sentence.] all of the planets in our solar system - also nicknamed "Alpha System" [do you need the quotation marks?] - have been proven to be extremely inhospitable and hostile to life as we know it. At least, that's what our researchers and scientists at the time concluded.
But this theory wasn't one hundred per cent [percent] accurate. By mathematical standards, ninety nine per cent [percent] of the entire theory was indeed correct, but what should become of the other one per cent [percent]?
That ONE per cent [percent. Also, how many times can you mention "percent" within the same paragraph?!] meant that [don't need the "that"] there was more to the solar system than meets the eye. Although we didn't comprehend what it was indicating, was it Mars, was it Mercury, Venus or Jupiter, or maybe even the asteroid belt [You need to keep your list consistent. If you start off saying "was it this, was it that, was it...", then you need to keep using those words. Don't switch to another phrase halfway through. (I read that in Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, which is I book I highly recommend.] ?
No, these planets were certainly out of the question, [You don't need the comma here either] due to the thorough research exerted on determining whether or not these planets do indeed have life-supporting capabilities [This sentence rambles on too long. If your sentences aren't strong they will lose impact]. As expected [Now I'd use a comma here because "As expected" could be safely omitted from your sentence without changing the line's meaning] the research concluded that neither of these planets, or any other planet of the Solar System [you need a comma here because the words "or any other planet of the Solar System" are an additional piece info in this sentence (i.e., the words can be taken out of the sentence without the sentence losing its meaning); thus, the words need to be enclosed by a comma at either side.] possesses the capacity to sustain any kind of biological life forms.
It seemed like forever until we finally discovered what the true secret was ... it was Neptune [This sentence sounds clunky. Perhaps rewording the line to "It seemed like forever until we discovered the true secret -- Neptune". You see? Less words, and also the sentence is easier to understand.].
Nobody knew what kind of terrain or [and] climate lay beneath the surface of Neptune, all we knew, [again, you don't split an unfinished sentenced with a comma unless you are adding a parenthetical expression or an subordinate clause (sometimes called an "introductory clause") or a sudden contrast in topic.] was that the blue colour most certainly marked the existence of water, or maybe even an ocean hiding beneath its surface.

Some helpful websites:

Using Commas
Punctuation Made Simple: Overview
The Subordinate Clause

Hope these help you! :)
 
JOURNEY TO NEPTUNE

BEGINNING OF ARTICLE #379 / 23rd May, 2055 / 22:23 GMT
DATABASE OF THE "COSMIC EXPLORER 3" STARSHIP

By the end of the 50th year of the 21st century, the number of organized explorations within the solar system and beyond,
no comma
was at a remarkably low average.
number?
It almost seemed like mankind had lost its interest and passion for interplanetary and interstellar travel and navigation. But the question was "why"?

For centuries humanity has struggled to answer,
no comma
perhaps the most crucial of questions: Are we alone,
no comma
in this dark and cold place we call the "universe"?

As dramatic as it may sound, all of the planets in our solar system - also nicknamed "Alpha System" - have been proven to be extremely inhospitable and hostile to life as we know it. At least, that's what our researchers and scientists at the time concluded.
Are you sure "dramatic" is the word you want here? Is "All planets hostile, no life found" really dramatic?

But this theory wasn't one hundred per cent accurate. By mathematical standards, ninety nine per cent of the entire theory was indeed correct, but what should become
maybe "about" rather than "should become?"
of the other one per cent?
That ONE per cent meant that there was more to the solar system than meets the eye. Although we didn't comprehend what it was indicating, was it Mars,
Lose this comma, and replace it with a QM, capitalise the next word.
was it Mercury, Venus or Jupiter, or maybe even the asteroid belt?
No, these planets
the asteroid belt isn't a planet
were certainly out of the question, due to the thorough research exerted on determining whether or not these planets do
past tense: "did"
indeed have life-supporting capabilities. As expected the research concluded that neither
"none". "Neither" is a choice of two, and you've named four.
of these planets, or any other planet of the Solar System possesses the capacity to sustain any kind of biological life forms.
It seemed like forever until we finally discovered what the true secret was ... it was Neptune.
Nobody knew what kind of terrain or climate
"and climate ..." - they're not directly comparable
lay beneath the surface of Neptune, all we knew, was that the blue color most certainly marked the existence of water, or maybe even an ocean hiding beneath its surface.
Would it be blue if it was hidden below the surface?
It didn't take long until the president of the International Space Exploration Command (ISEC), Scott Turner, expressed his profound interest for
in
a "full-schedule" campaign dedicated to exploring the deep and inhumane
deadly?
waters, or at least, water-like ocean of Neptune.
The official statement
intent?
of Turner,
no comma
was to organize a team of scientists, physicists, and biochemists that would embark on a journey to the far side of Neptune, to a place called "Mare Apollonis", a place which,
no comma
according to researchers, was the most preferable part of the ocean in which to touch down, and deploy the Mobile Laboratory. The Mobile Laboratory
no need to repeat this: "this" will do
would then,
no comma
attach itself to the bottom of the ocean
Full stop: replace the next word with "Here"
where it was scheduled to stay for ten Earth days, analyzing and processing the chemical elements that represented the ocean waters biological properties, in order to establish a conclusive outcome on whether or not, the ocean can support life.

The spaceship "Francis Drake", carrying a team comprised of twenty one scientists, ten physicists and sixteen biochemists, took off from Cape Horizon, North Carolina on October 27th, 2050 - 21:08 GMT.

The journey across the void of space, to Neptune lasted thirty four days,
replace the comma with "and"
despite the long time it took us to reach Neptunes orbit - more than a month - it was a pretty exciting voyage.
Do they have FTL capability? Conventional rockets would take at least twelve years to get to Neptune - but FTL shouldn't take as long as a month!
I personally had a lot of fun, even though I was in charge of on-board security; a position which would often scare and stir up the passengers - it wasn't my fault the A3 Machine Gun, ISEC provided me with,
no comma
had such a terrifying design! - but my exceptional taste for quality conversations and politeness, instantly drew up a few people I could have had a decent and uneventful conversation with. There's so much I learned from those people - mostly scientists and biochemists - but I knew damn well, there was a lot I tought
taught
them as well.

On November 30th, 2050 - 11:43 GMT, the "Francis Drake" had reached the orbit of Neptune, and touched down in "Mare Apollonis".
this ship can land and take off from water?
Once the Mobile Laboratory was deployed on the bottom of the ocean, data recordings began to flow in an instant.

Unlike the water on Earth, Neptunes ocean presented a quantity
I think you mean"was composed "
of eighty per cent hydrogen, nineteen per cent helium, one point five per cent methane, and one hundred ninety two ppm hydrogen deuteride.
Are you sure this would be a liquid? The surface temperature of Neptune is about -200ºC and it sounds a little unlikely to me.
In short, the water was extremely poisonous and hazardous for human beings.
To be honest, we were all frightened of what we might find at the bottom of those poisonous waters - perhaps the ocean was bottomless, and we were engaging on an unceasing dive to our doom!

To our delight, the ocean was only 4600 meters deep, but what we found at the bottom was both astonishing and outlandish. Apparently some sort of foreign civilization or community had built several caves and little city-like settlements, out of what was obviously a primitive stone-rock construction material.
We didn't know what to believe at that moment - an odd and freaky silence seized the room in the Mobile Laboratory where we were all observing the world that was hidden for some many
You don't need the "some"
centuries, just under our noses. Captain Anderson immediately gave orders to deploy the three explorer sentinels and start searching for signs of real-time
"living" may read better here
inhabitants of the underwater cities.
The results were negative, there was no sign of social activity or
"the"
whereabouts of the creatures that created the cities,
no comma
whatsoever.
This mystery demanded meticulous research and observation, for it was our first contact with what seemed to be an extraterrestrial species. Every day of the expedition appeared to be even more and more inconclusive,
"as"
there was no trace of the origins left behind by the alien species that once inhabited these settlements. But we did manage to find out one outcome of the total loneliness and desertion of this underwater world: There was a slight probability according to which,
lose the previous three words and replace with "that"
the existence of dry land millions of years ago on Neptune was a possibility, and throughout
just "through"
time the dry land was probably "swallowed" by the increasing tides.

The ten Earth days passed,
no comma
and we received orders to return to our home-planet and present our discoveries before the wide-open eyes of the world. I for one,
no comma
don't know what happened after that - I had left Earth in search of a quiet, more peaceful life deep in the System Beyond all Systems, also nicknamed "Beta System".

I've heard rumors, according to which
no comma
ISEC had been entirely abandoned by its staff, dismissing president Scott Turner of
from
his position. The reason why it all happened, is extremely unrational and unknown to me.
If it's unknown to you, how do you know it was irrational?

That was five years go
"ago"
, who knows ... maybe someone will organize a second Journey to Neptune in the not so distant future, but until then, I am forced to except
accept
the fact that human naivety and stupidity, had once again made its point upon the skies of Earth, and beyond, on a completely isolated and desolate world called "Neptune", the only world where we can find our fellow Solar System inhabitants ... or perhaps they'll one day find us.
I must confess I don't understand this last paragraph - there's been no mention of stupidity or naivety before, and it seemed like a straightforward exploratory story. and the the sudden decampment of the narrator leaves the whole thing totally up in the air. Perhaps this needs a bit of re-thought.

END OF ARTICLE #379 / 23rd May, 2055 / 22:23 GMT
DATABASE OF THE "COSMIC EXPLORER 3" STARSHIP
I agree with keri and Addi - it reads very much like a synopsis of a longer piece. The end needs a lot of work,and possibly the science as well: but if you persevere, you have an interesting story here. Good luck with it!:)
 
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Rats, Leisha! I'll have learn to type more quickly!:p
 
Hey, I didn't do a thorough critique like you! I merely wanted to show why you omit a comma in certain places, to explain the logic behind the action. Actually, your critique is the most helpful since it points out other stuff too! :)
 
One of the problems with writing SF is people like me who attack your scientific assumptions; unlike fantasists, you're expected to get them right.
The density of Neptune being only slightly higher than that of water, it is exceedingly unlikely that there would be an ocean over a rocky core, since any rocks would have to be only a fraction denser than the water itself. (this also means that the surface gravity of Neptune (as far as the word "surface" means anything on a gas giant) is about the same as Earth's though the escape velocity is a lot higher. Though many substances reflect back blue light preferentially, you could detect water vapour by spectroscopic analysis from anywhere outside the Earth's atmosphere.

As dramatic as it may sound, all of the planets in our solar system - also nicknamed "Alpha System" - have been proven to be extremely inhospitable and hostile to life as we know it.
Earth has proved acceptably hospitable to life "as we know it", and is definitely a planet of the solar system. (in fifty years time, of course, this might no longer be the case) And specifying "planets", thus eliminating other celestial bodies (in particular moons, asteroids and even - why not - comets) is very limiting.

Unlike the water on Earth, Neptunes
apostrophe (Neptune's)
ocean presented a quantity of eighty per cent hydrogen, nineteen per cent helium, one point five per cent methane, and one hundred ninety two ppm hydrogen deuteride. In short, the water was extremely poisonous and hazardous for human beings.
Water is a specific chemical compound. It can't be 80% hydrogen and be water. Or are you trying to suggest that the other elements are dissolved in it; in which case heavy water(hydrogen deuteride) should be separate, as it is, chemically, water.

a team of scientists, physicists, and biochemists that would embark on a journey to the far side of Neptune
twenty one scientists, ten physicists and sixteen biochemists,
how can Neptune, which is rotating, have a "far side"? And why were only two scientific disciplines chosen (unless, of course, you don't consider these two as scientific, so added them to the list with the "real" scientists)

there was no trace of the origins left behind by the alien species that once
had
inhabited these settlements. But we did manage to find out one outcome of the total loneliness and desertion of this underwater world: There was a slight probability according to which,the existence of dry land millions of years ago on Neptune was a possibility, and throughout time the dry land was probably "swallowed" by the increasing tides.
Tides four and a half kilometres deep? No trace of the origins? that's surely "no trace of the fate"? A probability of a possibility? And was this theory really an "outcome"of the disappearance of the earlier inhabitants (and one which would surely not have eliminated all the oter life-forms on the planet)?


There are several punctuation points which didn't get picked up on (evil grin) and things like "most preferable", which make the skin crawl up my back.
 
There are several punctuation points which didn't get picked up on (evil grin) and things like "most preferable", which make the skin crawl up my back.
Well, I had to miss something out - I am only a padawan, master. (bows):D
 
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