Vermosa's Reign Chapter, complete rewrite

Status
Not open for further replies.

Virtual_Space

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2006
Messages
84
What does he want now, surely he isn't going to scold us again? He may be the eldest, but who decided to put him in charge. It sure wasn't me, and I doubt Darus and Satira approve of him much either. Surely a god can handle a situation such as this. I can't wait until this whole mess blows up in his face.

I walked down the hall, flanked on both sides by my younger brothers. Our footsteps echoed through the long and empty hallways. Its only other inhabitants were the columns that ran along the walls, and the occasional statue. All quite overdone if you ask me. Everything from the tapestries to the statues were covered in jewels. A waste of resources and time to be sure.

“Vermosa can't be serious, this is the fifth meeting this week.” Darus said as he turned to me, his face that of a child.

Satira chuckled, “I'm sure he has a good reason, just like always.” his sarcastic tone as blatant as it could be. Handling Darus was easy, he acted his age. Satira on the other hand was just childish and annoying, a terrible combination. Some days I just felt like throttling him.

We continued to walk through the long and winding hallways. Satira and Darus continued their inane conversation, arguing over what topic Vermosa would bring up this time. I already knew what he would want to talk about. I already knew why he had called us to his inner sanctum. And I didn't want to be involved in a single second of it.

The large door to the inner sanctum now lied before us, covered in jewels the size of a man's fist. Even I was impressed by it, its golden panels glimmering in the light. It was almost magical in a way. Too bad it marked the entrance to a land of long winded talks and boring dialog between once powerful, bickering gods.

I stepped forward and pushed the doors open in one quick motion. They made no sound whatsoever as they moved, completely silent, not even a creak. Darus and Satira walked through first, their walks having a nervous stagger to them. They feared Vermosa, as if he was some almighty being. I saw him for what he was, a self righteous god who thought he was always right, even when he wasn't even close.

Finally I stepped over the threshold and into the room. The room was dark, the only light coming from the green and blue lights that danced about the room like fireflies in the night. I walked slowly down the thin path, the living statues watching me as I walked past, their gem eyes glowing with a faint light. They creeped me out every time I saw them, to see a depiction of myself, my siblings, starring back at me. It was surreal, even eerie in a way.

Filling the center of the room was a strong light from a glass dome high above. The light illuminated the ground where four lavish thrones sat, each one encrusted with a different set of jewels. One with sapphires, another with rubes, the third with emeralds. A single chair contained diamonds, the one where Vermosa sat. Of course only his chair could contain diamonds, only the best for the king of the gods. What an arrogant *******.

I walked up to my chair, the chair of rubies. It matched my robe, so that was something I guess. I wanted the emeralds of course, but Vermosa assigned them to Darus those many thousands of years ago. Probably did it just to spite me too. A *******, just like I said.

“Welcome you three, I'm glad you could make it.” Vermosa said with a big grin on his face. “We have much to discuss, please sit down.”

I looked at my chair, its cold, metal surface looked far from comforting. Slowly I lowered myself down to the chairs cold surface, the metal stinging my skin. I was trapped now, forced to talk about this insufferable garbage. I just wanted to get it all over
with.

“What do you want Vermosa, I am very busy.” I said, well aware of my angry tone.

“Menire, you insult me, I wouldn't call you here without good reason.” he said, that grin of his still present.

I thought that was a ludicrous statement. He had called us four other times that week and said nothing of worth. How could he make such a bold statement?

“Now, I called you here for a very important reason. I am sure you are all curious as to why I called you here.”

“Enlighten us.” I said.

“The lower council has been disposed of, we will no longer be needing their services.”

The room fell silent, neither Darus nor Satira said a word. The idea was a shocking one, the lower council was the only lifeline to the three kingdoms of man. Vermosa disposing of, or more likely killing, the council was absurd. The silence lingered until Darus spoke up.

Darus said “Why would you do such a thing? How will we maintain order over the kingdoms? We will lose our control, the
control we have spent millenia building!”

“Our control is gone, we lost it decades ago. The world is now in chaos if you haven't noticed.” Vermosa said, his grin dissipating. “Just let me show you three what I mean.”

He lifted his arm up, stretched out his finger and drew a runic symbol in the air. In an instant, the blue and green lights that fluttered around the room swarmed to the center of the room. They swirled around for a moment, before converging into a map of the universe. The map changed until it shown a single tiny planet. I recognized it of course. Caltea, the land we held dominion over. Everything was there, the three continents, each controlled by a separate kingdom. The Velom seas and the mountain kingdom of the gods. All was there.

“I'm sure this land needs no introduction. Lets start with the evidence against the race of man. I assure you, it is quite vast.” Vermosa said as he drew more symbols in the air.

The image in front of them shifted again. It showed farmland, the farmers tilling their fields in the blistering hot sun. They reacted quickly to the sound of the distant horn, running from the oncoming horde of men on horseback. They ran as fast as their legs could carry them, only to be cut down by a quick flying arrow or a quick slash of the sword.

Again the image shifted. It showed a small village ablaze, bandits killing indiscriminately. Then the image shifted to kings, showing them as they murdered for their positions of power. The image continued to shift, each one worse than the last. It shifted over and over, for what seemed like an eternity. Even I started to be pulled into Vermosa's grasp. Darus and Satira definitely were though, their wills were far less powerful.

“Well, that is it.” Vermosa said as he dismissed the images with a quick swipe of his hand. “I am sure none of you need any
more.” A big smile formed on his face, as if he knew he would win any coming debate.

Darus and Satira said nothing, they just sat there, uneasily shifting in their seats. Cowards, both of them. It seemed that only I would speak against Vermosa, knowing I would receive no help from either of them.

“You cannot be suggesting what I think.”

“I am, a cleansing is the only rational solution.”

“A cleansing is clearly forbidden by the three laws.” I said slowly, still trying to regain my composure.

Vermosa laughed, “Forbidden by who dear? By our parents? They are dead by our hands and yet you still follow their outdated rules? I'm disappointed in you Menire.” he said, his smile larger than ever. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to strike him as hard as I could. Only my need to stay rational kept me from lashing out.

“Regardless, a cleansing is out of the question. They need...” “What? Another chance? I would say they have had plenty as it is. They are beyond redemption, all of them” Vermosa said, that smile I so hated slipping away with haste. “Darus, Satira, what is your take on this debacle?”

They sat their silently mulling over the question in their minds, their faces blank. I still had hope they would do the right thing, finally stand up to Vermosa and his moronic ways. Finally they spoke, and reaffirmed my view on them.

Darus spoke first. “I agree with Vermosa, my kingdom is in ruin, and I cannot maintain rule any longer. They have forsaken me, and all of you, and no longer deserve our support.”

Coward, I thought quietly to myself, damn coward. What a fool he is. Like Vermosa gives a damn about his kingdom, or any of ours for that matter. He probably dosen't even care about Nevis, let alone its occupants. He isn't fit to rule man, let alone the gods.”

Satira spoke next, his response even more cowardly. I felt I could almost see his soul withering away with each word. “Vermosa, thank you for bringing this to our attention. I say the cleansing should go forward, and as soon as possible.”

I couldn't take it any longer. The rage was boiling inside of me, and it had just hit the critical point. I stood from my chair and turned to face that gaudy throne of lies. I stretched out my hand and hurled the throne into the far wall, my hand never touching its war stained surface.

My brothers looked at me as if I had committed murder. Vermosa said nothing, I guess even he was shocked. I didn't care, I couldn't listen to it anymore. What else could I have done?

“What is wrong with you three! You think war will solve your problems? It never solves anything! Why fight war with war?” I yelled, my anger strengthening.

“Calm down Menire, you are acting like a child.” Vermosa said as he started to polish his gauntlet again.

“No, I will not calm down. I will not sit here and listen to you anymore.” I said as I turned and started to walk to the door. I had never been that angry in my life.

I just barely reached the door when I heard Vermosa speak. “The war will go on with or without you. Only difference is, my generals will be far less merciful than you, I can assure you.”

The rage inside me was replaced with a terrible feeling, one of horror. I knew at that moment that I was trapped, that I had no choice. How could I say no, knowing that not participating may actually hurt my cause.

“I have one request.” I said slowly, aware of my meek and pitiful tone.

“Make it quick.” Vermosa said.

“Anyone who offers to join us, I want them spared.”

“Very well, I will grant your request.”

A wave of relief swept over me. At least the truly innocent would live. Perhaps those that refused truly were deserving of death. Who would refuse the request of a god besides the corrupt?

“Thank you, brother.” I said slowly. For the first time in awhile, I had somewhat kind feelings for Vermosa. I opened the door and started to step through.

“Menire, prepare your army, we leave in the morning.” he said as I walked from the room, the doors slamming shut behind me. It had begun, I recognized that fact the second those doors closed. The debate was already over, I was going through with it. Now all that was left of my humanity was stripped away. I had become a true god.
 
Hi, one thing that threw me straight off is that the first paragraph is written in the present tense, but this then switches into the past (something-or-other) tense from second para onwards.

Yeah, I did that on purpose lol. Kinda weird, but I wanted the first paragraph to stick out. I might go back and change it though if it bothers people.
 
Satira chuckled, “I'm sure he has a good reason, just like always.”
a comma instead of a full stop here
his sarcastic tone as blatant as it could be. Handling Darus was easy, he acted his age.
and, as a god, what was his age?
Satira on the other hand was just childish and annoying, a terrible combination. Some days I just felt like throttling him.

[/quote]
The large door to the inner sanctum now lied[/quote]lay
before us, covered in jewels the size of a man's fist. Even I was impressed by it, its golden panels glimmering in the light. It was almost magical in a way. Too bad it marked the entrance to a land of long winded
long-winded
talks and boring dialog between once powerful, bickering gods.
Did you want to say that, or should it have been"once powerful, now bickering gods"?

They creeped me out every time I saw them, to see a depiction of myself, my siblings, starring back at me.
My academic side sceams out "the imperfect of creep is crept" while my reading side says " you can't have crept someone out" So I'll just correct the "staring"

The light illuminated the ground where four lavish thrones sat, each one encrusted with a different set of jewels. One with sapphires, another with rubes,
rubies
the third with emeralds. A single chair contained diamonds, the one where Vermosa sat.

I looked at my chair, its cold, metal surface looked far from comforting. Slowly I lowered myself down to the chairs cold surface, the metal stinging my skin. I was trapped now, forced to talk about this insufferable garbage. I just wanted to get it all over with.
Too much repetition of "cold" and "metal"


The room fell silent, neither Darus nor Satira said a word. The idea was a shocking one, the lower council was the only lifeline to the three kingdoms of man.
In the first sentence, it's either "saying" rather than "said" or a semicolon rather than the comma. In the second sentence, it's a semicolon, and why the word "lifeline"?

Even I started to be pulled into Vermosa's grasp. Darus and Satira definitely were though, their wills were far less powerful.
"though" doesn't work; you're not contrasting with anything

They sat their silently mulling over the question in their minds, their faces blank. I still had hope they would do the right thing, finally stand up to Vermosa and his moronic ways. Finally they spoke, and reaffirmed my view on them.
" they sat there, comma, and I'd say my view of them.

He probably dosen't even
doesn't

knowing that not participating may actually hurt my cause.
might

It had begun, I recognized that fact the second those doors closed.
semicolon rather than comma
 
again, thank you. you are always very, very helpful. also you didn't say as much this time, which means I must be doing something right lol.
 
Satira chuckled, “I'm sure he has a good reason

Full stop after "chuckled".

Also, I noticed that you put full stops at the end of dialogue, before the "he/she/Vermosa/I said..." tags. You don't, you use a comma instead, as in:

“Calm down Menire, you are acting like a child,” Vermosa said as he started to polish his gauntlet again.

Or:

“Enlighten us,” I said.

:)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads


Back
Top