Fantasy Story Prologue(Critique this! 1241 Words)

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Dijalin

of DOOM!!!
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Hell or closest to it.
The Adventures of the Crimson Rogues


Below the army marched across the Endless Plains heading north. To the east was the Lake of Tears that stretched out for hundreds of miles. To the west lay the vast forests of Klindara, and to the south the Barrens of Bartuk, where this army hails from. Their formation has become a bit loose since the beginning of their 5 day hard march. Looking from afar, they look like army ants on the warpath, an endless trail of troops, numbering in the area of 100,000 men. Strewn across the land, standing out like large rocks in a sea pebbles are the armies war machines, hauled by giant lizards, with massive claws that dig into the ground, and maws that could swallow a man whole. The sun beat down on them warmly, glinting off of their black armor, and many men did not wear their helmets. It is the 4th day of their march, and they are almost to their destination, the city of Mawthral, known for its giant walls, and towering spires. There was to be expected a heavy resistance to this city, so the army grimly marched forward, knowing that many would find their eternal rest at the walls of Mawthral.

Thorn’s footfalls clattered across the wooden deck of the ship, as he ran towards the bow railing. The crew was chasing him, now that he has made his presence known, but what choice did he have. He was wearing black leather armor, and ran with two curved short swords with their blades pointing down. When he got to the railing of the ship, he did not hesitate, and put his arms out, and jumped. As he jumped he turned his wrists in, and down, making the flat part of the swords, with the points facing away from his body, touch his bracers. With a *click* the blades locked in place, and he pushed the handles down, to slide the blades down his bracer, until he could no longer touch the pommel with his hands, and with another *click* they locked into place. As he fell he raised his right arm up, and pointed it towards the next airship, about 60 feet up, and 100 feet away at this point, and pressed a button on his bracer. With a loud *pop* a dart shot out, attached to a rope, and nailed a wood plank on the outer hull of the airship. As the rope tautened he stopped falling, and he started to swing.

The soldier closed his eyes, and looked up, sweat glistened on his tan hair as he wiped his stinging eyes, and drenched brow. What he wouldn't give for at least a light breeze. Right as he finished his thought, he felt a slight breeze on his face. "Thank...." his voice trailed off, as he opened his eyes, and saw a pair of legs fly past him, not 5 feet above his head. He looked up and saw someone swinging from one of the airships to the other. "It's been a long walk in the sun indeed." he thought to himself as he shook the image from his head, and continued to march on.

Thorn smiled widely, he lived for this. He was lucky that his fall created enough momentum for him. He swung around to the bow of the airship, and grabbed onto the side rail. He then waited patiently as he counted in his head. Five, four, three, two, one... and with that, a loud explosion could be heard, along with the sound of wood, and metal being thrown, and contorted by the explosion.

With a loud groan, the airship that Thorn was just on, started to lose altitude, as it began to sink in the sky, it's bow began to tip towards the ground. The men on the ground started to scatter like ants, as the derelict airship headed straight down into the army. Thorn did not wait to see the ensuing chaos, as he climbed aboard the ship. With a flick of his arms, he felt his sword handles within his hands, and he grabbed them, and yanked his wrists up, and the blades disconnected from his bracers, he then cut the rope that was connected to his bracer. He ran along the railing of the ship, bending low, so not to be seen. He noticed that everyone on the ship was at the stern, minus the ships pilot. He headed towards the stern, as he saw 10 men gathered at the side. He ran right at them, cutting down four right where they stood, at the throat, so only their bodies hitting the floor could be heard. Four of the men turned around, and with a look of shock, managed to make somewhat of a sound as Thorn cut their throats open. Blood ran freely onto the stern of the ship. The remaining two men tried to fight, but one found a blade throw the gut, and stumbled overboard, while the other died before he even his the floor.

The airship hit the ground with a giant crashing sound. As men scattered, many were hit with debris, or just outright ran over. As the airship slid to a stop, a secondary explosion occurred as the fire made its way to the powder room. This explosion was massive, and at least a thousand men were forced to the ground from the shockwave of this explosion. After all was said and done, there were over 400 dead, and thousands injured, 4 war machines have been destroyed along with the creatures hauling them.
Finally, Thorn thought, as he found what he was looking for. "Hey guys!" He said with a smile, a wink, and a wave, as he pulled out a lock pick, and opened the gate to the cells that lay below the deck. Thorn handed the lock pick to one of the captives, and headed up to the deck of the airship, and ended the life of the pilot quite easily. He threw the body over the side of the ship, and took the helm. He smiled as he looked at the controls, not having the slightest idea what most of the levers did. This however, was not the first time he has flown an airship, as he did his best to guess what each control did.

The airship Thorn now had control of, lazily headed out of the formation it was in, and started to lose altitude, as the bow pointed downard. There were many shouts coming from the other airships, as another wave of confusion broke out. The ship was now in a dive, as the ground rushed up to meet it. Thorn did his best to pull up out of the purposeful dive. He used his feet as leverage against the console as he pulled on the stick, trying to make it go up. At last the airship started to pull up. The hull was a good 10 feet off the ground, as it sped away at speeds faster then it was made to go. Cannons rang out in the distance, as other ships started to fire upon it, but they fell short. His short brown hair was flapping in the wind as he piloted the airship back to Ghalid, where he started his mission from. He had been successful. He had managed to rescue his friends, and even steal an airship. Thorn grinned widely; it had been a successful mission indeed.
 
Overall I think it works fairly well, the action in particular seems good and really has a pacey/carefree feel to it, which I assume is what you were going for. Kind of like a modern action film in a fantasy setting.

Some of the prose seems a little bit clunky though. When it does the action loses it's flow. Hard to explain but maybe something like:

"He headed towards the stern, as he saw 10 men gathered at the side."

It makes it a bit too precise an analytical. In a fast moving action film we wouldn't stop to count the men. It might be around ten but "several men" or "a small group of soldiers" might work better. You use exact counts and measurements a lot in places where I thinking something more general might work better.

If you want to read some stuff by someone who writes really good fantasy action with a lot of technical detail you might want to check out K.J. Parker (just don't confuse him with Kay Parker when looking on Amazon :eek:). Based on what you've written here I think you might find it interesting.


You're using commas all over the place where they are not needed. I mean waaaay too many especially when you use them with "and"s as well. For example:

"Hey guys!" He said with a smile, a wink, and a wave, as he pulled out a lock pick, and opened the gate to the cells that lay below the deck." :confused:

I think you need to write your numbers as words as well. You do it in a couple of places, but it should be uniform.

I think the tenses are a bit mixed up in the first paragraph as well. The "army marched" and "their formation has become" don't work well together.

Hope that helps. I'd enjoy reading more.
 
Thank you very much, you pointed out acouple things I have over looked, and in all honesty it never occured to me that you could get too technical about some details, usually in my writting it's not enough detail ;P

Also I must admit, I do not own a program with a grammar checker so I never ran that piece through one... nor did I run it through a spell checker either ><

So I am aware I went a little comma happy in some places ^^

I am glad you enjoyed it, more is in the making, believe you me, it's the intro to a book I am rather looking forward to writting, particularly because the main character is very fun to write, and you don't even know about his 5 friends yet ;) Although thinking about the ideas and actually having the time to put them down on paper are 2 very different things.
 
Is that an order? Yes sir, right away sir.
The Adventures of the Crimson Rogues


Below
comma
the army marched across the Endless Plains
comma
heading north. To the east was the Lake of Tears that stretched out for hundreds of miles. To the west lay the vast forests of Klindara, and to the south the Barrens of Bartuk, where this army hails from. Their formation has become a bit loose since the beginning of their 5
please, little numbers like "five" in letters rather than figures
day hard march. Looking
no need for that "looking" with the later "look like"
from afar, they look like army ants on the warpath, an endless trail of troops, numbering in the area of 100,000 men. Strewn across the land, standing out like large rocks in a sea pebbles
comma: and was that a "sea of pebbles"?
are the armies
army's
war machines, hauled by giant lizards,
no comma
with massive claws that dig into the ground, and maws that could swallow a man whole. The sun beat down on them warmly, glinting off of their black armor, and many men did not wear their helmets. It is the 4th day of their march, and they are almost to their destination, the city of Mawthral, known for its giant walls,
no comma
and towering spires. There was to be expected a heavy resistance to
perhaps "from", or "at", but hardly "to"
this city, so the army grimly marched forward, knowing that many would find their eternal rest at the walls of Mawthral.
Thorn’s footfalls clattered across the wooden deck of the ship, as he ran towards the bow railing. The crew was chasing him, now that he has made his presence known, but what choice did he have.
question mark; and perhaps "had he had?"
He was wearing black leather armor, and ran with two curved short swords with their blades pointing down. When he got to the railing of the ship, he did not hesitate, and put his arms out, and jumped. As he jumped he turned his wrists in, and down, making the flat part of the swords, with the points facing away from his body, touch his bracers. With a *click* the blades locked in place, and he pushed the handles down, to slide the blades down his bracer, until he could no longer touch the pommel with his hands, and with another *click* they locked into place. As he fell he raised his right arm up, and pointed it towards the next airship, about 60 feet up, and 100 feet away at this point, and pressed a button on his bracer. With a loud *pop* a dart shot out, attached to a rope, and nailed a wood plank on the outer hull of the airship. As the rope tautened he stopped falling, and he started to swing.
The soldier closed his eyes,
no comma
and looked up,
full stop
sweat glistened on his tan hair as he wiped his stinging eyes,
no comma
and drenched brow. What he wouldn't give for at least a light breeze. Right as he finished his thought, he felt a slight breeze on his face. "Thank...." his voice trailed off, as he opened his eyes, and saw a pair of legs fly past him, not 5 feet above his head. He looked up and saw someone swinging from one of the airships to the other. "It's been a long walk in the sun indeed." he thought to himself as he shook the image from his head, and continued to march on.
"marched on" or "continued to march"
Thorn smiled widely, he lived for this. He was lucky that his fall created enough momentum for him.
"He had been lucky that his fall had created"?
He swung around to the bow of the airship, and grabbed onto the side rail. He then waited patiently as he counted in his head. Five, four, three, two, one... and with that, a loud explosion could be heard, along with the sound of wood,
no comma
and metal being thrown, and contorted by the explosion.
don't repeat axplosion, use a simile (perhaps "blast?)
With a loud groan, the airship that Thorn was just on,
no comma; perhaps "had just left" or equivalent to make it clear he was in transit?
started to lose altitude,
full stop
as it began to sink in the sky, it's bow began to tip towards the ground. The men on the ground started to scatter like ants, as the derelict airship headed straight down into the army. Thorn did not wait to see the ensuing chaos, as he climbed aboard the ship. With a flick of his arms, he felt his sword handles within his hands, and he grabbed them, and yanked his wrists up, and the blades disconnected from his bracers, he then cut the rope that was connected to his bracer.
I must admit that, despite your detailed description, I don't see how anything long enough to be called a "sword" can be sheathed along the forearm withoutincredible inconvenience
He ran along the railing of the ship, bending low, so not to be seen. He noticed that everyone on the ship was at the stern, minus the ships
ship's - and possibly +exept rather than minus
pilot. He headed towards the stern, as he saw 10 men gathered at the side. He ran right at them, cutting down four right where they stood, at the throat, so only their bodies hitting the floor could be heard. Four of the men turned around, and with a look of shock, managed to make somewhat of a sound as Thorn cut their throats open. Blood ran freely onto the stern of the ship. The remaining two men tried to fight, but one found a blade throw
through
the gut, and stumbled overboard, while the other died before he even his
hit
the floor.
The airship hit the ground with a giant crashing sound. As men scattered, many were hit with debris, or just outright ran
run
over. As the airship slid to a stop, a secondary explosion occurred as the fire made its way to the powder room. This explosion was massive, and at least a thousand men were forced
forced or thrown? And it's by the shockwave, not from it (the burst eardrums are from it)
to the ground from the shockwave of this explosion. After all was said and done, there were over 400 dead, and
I'd put that "and" after "injured thousands injured, 4 war machines have been destroyed along with the creatures hauling them.
Finally, Thorn thought, as he found what he was looking for. "Hey guys!" He said with a smile, a wink, and a wave, as he pulled out a lock pick, and opened the gate to the cells that lay below the deck. Thorn handed the lock pick to one of the captives, and headed up to the deck of the airship, and ended the life of the pilot quite easily. He threw the body over the side of the ship, and took the helm. He smiled as he looked at the controls, not having the slightest idea what most of the levers did. This however, was not the first time he has
"had flown"; and to eliminat the repetition of "what…did" perhaps "the function of each control"?
flown an airship, as he did his best to guess what each control did.
The airship Thorn now had control of,
no comma
lazily headed out of the formation it was in, and started to lose altitude, as the bow pointed downard.
that's probably "downward", but it has a sort of nautical ring to it…
There were many shouts coming from the other airships, as another wave of confusion broke out. The ship was now in a dive, as the ground rushed up to meet it. Thorn did his best to pull up out of the purposeful dive. He used his feet as leverage against the console as he pulled on the stick, trying to make it go up. At last the airship started to pull up. The hull was a good 10 feet off the ground, as it sped away at speeds faster then it was made to go. Cannons rang out in the distance, as other ships started to fire upon it, but they fell short. His short brown hair was flapping in the wind as he piloted the airship back to Ghalid, where he started his mission from. He had been successful. He had managed to rescue his friends, and even steal an airship. Thorn grinned widely; it had been a successful mission indeed.
repetition; of "dive" of "up", of "successful"
 
I think... you are my hero =D

That is way awesome, and thank you very very VERY much! For some reason I can't edit my post, but I am editing my story, and thanks again, thought despite a gaggle of errors, you still never said anything about how you liked it :p
 
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