The Merchant's Daughter Revision, Ch1 Bartholomew's Ride--LONG READ! 3000 words

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dustinzgirl

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OK there is another version of this floating around somewhere, but for those of you who have read it before you will notice that I have made quite a few changes. I know this is long, but this is the first chapter and I couldn't think of a good place to break it off.



It had not been a night of rest for the young Lord Bartholomew. He had risen well before dawn and found himself in the courtyard, practicing with his sword. Lord Bartholomew was young still by any standards. Battle had not yet hardened his face, but he was strong and thick nonetheless. The boy had been raised in the shadow of his father, a well respected and feared warrior who had guided his son with a quick and heavy hand that had been just as quick to praise the boy as to whip him. Bartholomew gripped the hilt of his sword, the thick metal and inlaid rubies were cold against his sweaty hand.


As dawn came, Bartholomew remembered the last day he saw his father.


"Ho there, boy, where are you going?" Lord Drake asked from his horse, his face darkened by the bright summer sun behind him.


"With you Pa, of course." Bartholomew tried to climb on the massive war horse and his father smiled, reaching out a hand.


"Your mother will have my head if I let you go boy." His father used a gauntleted hand to rub his black moustache. "Besides, this war has no place for a boy who can barely get on his steed."


Bartholomew sat up straight in his saddle, adjusting his chain mail. "You went on campaigns when you were half my age Pa."


"True son, but that was a different time, and the enemy not so great." The lord leaned over, clasping the boy's shoulder. "Besides, I had four younger brothers who stayed and watched over your grandmother. You can't leave women to their own devices boy. Gaia knows what they would be up to."


"There's the house guard that is what they are for." Bartholomew almost pouted, realizing the trap his father had set. Go and leave the women with no protector if he did. It was an unfair play on the boy's pride.


"Bah, they are not worth a spit, and you know that." The armoured man leaned across his horse and gave his son a hard hug. Lord Drake undid the saddle strap, too quick for his son to notice. "But you are brave boy, I'll give you that much. If you can stay on your saddle you can come."


Bartholomew, at fifteen years old, found himself staring into his father’s hard dark eyes. There was warmth of pride and strength in Lord Drake’s eyes. Bartholomew had never felt so proud, so adult. He shook away the tears that were forming in his own eyes, and saw-much to his surprise- father wipe a tear from his scarred cheek.


The powerful lord gave a last smile to his son, and kicked up his horse without a word or a backward glance as Bartholomew kicked his own steed, not intending to be left behind and miss the greatest battle of his young life.


The saddle fell away, and Bartholomew tumbled to the ground, almost face first. He pounded his fist into the earth, and watched his father join the armies outside the open gate.


That was his last memory of his father, watching the man ride to his army, never giving another glance to his son. Bartholomew could never forget how the armour sparkled in the sunlight, the horned helm bobbing atop the massive steed, and big green flags wavering in the sun, carrying his father to war and death.


The bright sun had not lifted Bartholomew’s spirits. Lord Bartholomew found himself in a particularly foul mood as he stomped from the courtyard and to his study. It was well that the servants recognized his frustration and, in the manner of many castle servants, kept themselves silently invisible. Bartholomew chose to ignore the whisperings of his ill temper that started just after he passed them. Gossipers, the lot of them.


"Bartholomew!" Lady Theodora, cried out as she walked in his study, trailed by Lord Bartholomew's elder sister. "Set your maps and counting aside for now, son." The woman sat in the large chair opposite Bartholomew, her gold and green gown embroidered with a multitude of small, intricate vines and flowers. She fanned her face with an equally designed silk fan, but the look on her face was nothing short of abrupt and almost, Bartholomew thought, condemning. “You have not chosen a bride yet, son.”


“Mother, please. There is more at hand than my choice of a wife.” Bartholomew grunted.


“I know you are preparing another campaign east. Tell me, do you really think you should leave without a seed to carry on?”


“Mother, not now!” Bartholomew shouted, his curled fist thudding onto the table top. A vial of ink spilled over and he uttered a curse.


“You are sixteen years old now, Bartholomew. That does not mean you are a man and it does not give you permission to use such language in my presence. Secondly, young man, it is our tradition that you be married before you ride off to war. Boys do not go to war, men do.”


"Listen to our mother, Bart." Esmeralda said, her younger son situated on her hip. Unlike her mother, the noble daughter wore a plain green robe with little embroidery other than across the high neckline, in reverence of her earth-goddess. She let her hair lay loosely braided. Esmeralda had little care for the twisting and twining involved getting her long black locks to fit in the steeped henin her mother favored.


Lord Bartholomew answered them with a scoff and a wave of his hand to dismiss them from his office. "I am busy, ladies. If you will show yourselves to the door?"


"Planning your campaign, I know. There is always time for war, boy. There is not always time for life.” Esmeralda said, leaning over his desk and studying Ursula's Pass. "Father would not want you wasting your life on his revenge." Plump and pretty, his sister's soft face was a mask for the calculating and intelligent woman, one that many a man fell in love with, only to be handed their own hearts by her sometimes cruel hand. "This is insanity, brother, and you know this."


"You think I should forget our father’s death? That I should not be angry enough to send all of our men to their death? And to send myself? This is war, Em. Do you think our father would want me to let them be?" Bartholomew's young voice trembled with anger. "They killed our father!" He shouted now, only inches from Esmeralda's face. His nephew began to cry and Esmeralda glared back, shushing the boy.


"Enough." Lady Theodora interrupted her children. "Do not speak of the dead so frivolously, and Esmeralda, have some respect for your brother's place as your lord. Now, both of you, mind your own places in my presence."


Bartholomew sat back, and Esmeralda's face flushed with embarrassment. Both siblings should know better than to talk so about their dead father, especially in front of their mother. Theodora had been a gracious and loving wife who had finally stopped wearing black only a few months ago, almost a year past the standard mourning time, but her heart was still shrouded in pain. To speak so openly and carelessly about their father was disrespectful to Theodora's grief-stricken spirit.


"Would you ladies kindly excuse me, and let me finish my work?" Bartholomew said and kept his brown eyes on the floor.


Of course, the two women ignored him duly. He was the lord of this castle, but his mother and sister often paid that no mind at all. Bartholomew tapped the inkwell with an ill-humoured glance for the women.


"What would possible happen Esmeralda, if your brother left without a wife and heir to die in a war that has not yet reached our northern borders?”


"Perhaps a cataclysmic event would occur, mother, sending the earth into balls of fire and ice."


“It was only tradition, after all.” Bartholomew’s voice dripped with irritation as he blotted up the spilt ink.


Esmeralda was probably more fit than he to run matters of state anyways, and she often had while their father and her husband Matteous had gone off to war. The woman had a shrewd intellect about her. That is not to say that Bartholomew was less intelligent than she, but the noble priestess had an affinity for politics, where Bartholomew preferred his blade and soldiers.


Matteous entered without an attendant to announce him, the First Captain was a humble but stoic man who disdained things like servants. He shut the large door behind him softly, and his coming probably saved Bartholomew from a harsh lashing from Lady Theodora's tongue, entering the grand office with little flourish. Matteous was a solid man, with a girth one would mistake for blubber until he moved and the rippling muscles beneath his leather tunic could be seen. Just before the First Captain entered the room, Bartholomew had been about to speak rather harshly towards his mother, but seeing his friend and captain at arms the boy promptly closed his mouth. Which was an entirely smart thing to do, Lady Theodora could tear a man limb from limb with nothing but harsh words, and many a foolish nobleperson had been sent from her court with a red and shamed face.


As it were, First Captain Matteous was, as far as Bartholomew could discern, the young lord's only and true friend. The muscular man still wore Lord Drake's sigul across the chest of his tunic, but Bartholomew knew this was out of homage to Lord Drake and not discontent with the young lord's rule. Matteous gave both women a sweeping kiss across their cheeks. With a second kiss for his wife he picked up his youngest son and tossed the giggling toddler in the air.


Esmeralda smiled with an overly sweet and unnerving look for her brother, and Matteous had the nerve to ask a simple question, seeing that glint of the eye the two women shared.


"What are you ladies about this early morn?"


Esmeralda feigned ignorance.


Lady Theodora gave a rare laugh that was almost happy. “I have decided that Bartholomew will be married on the first night of the Fall Festival.” The noble mother declared abruptly, her pale and heavily ringed hand rising into the air.


Bartholomew gave her a grisly grin. "And how, pray tell, is that to be dear mother?"


"Why, do you not know?" Esmeralda said, a sick innocence dripping from her voice as she sliced cold beef for her husband and poured coffee. She knew very well that Bartholomew did not know what plans the women had for him.


In response to both Bartholomew and Matteous blank faces, Theodora smiled sweetly and leaned over the desk, her bright golden hair reflecting in the sunlight. "Soon, we will have a wife for you. There will be a party this evening, do you not remember? Bringing in the Fall Festival, an early party for our Lord and with it will come ladies of fine and noble birth who wait for your discerning eye to set upon one or the other. Of course, the planning of it was a hurried thing, since you have been ever so busy with your conquests, your sister and I thought it best not to interrupt you for such a small thing as a party."


Matteous burst into a horrid fit of laughter, ignorant of the fierce glare his noble wife gave him. Noble as Esmeralda was, she certainly had a fiercer temper than any lady he had known, which is a large part of why Matteous loved her. The fact that she clung unmercifully to tradition and religion was her only true downfall, but the beautiful and sharp witted young mother made his blood boil, even eight years after their nuptials.


"Well, dear Bart, you are hung, to be sure. These fine ladies will have you dancing the Song of the Stork in no time at all!" The man slapped his leg for effect. "I suppose you lovely ladies already have the perfect bride picked out for our virgin lord?" Matteous grinned beneath his thick and dark moustache, twisted upwards and soaked with oil that made it shine black. A man's moustache was his pride, and Matteous had quite a bit of pride in the long black twirls of hair that curved around his mouth.


Esmeralda smiled, her dark brown eyes setting on her brother.
"Actually, darling husband," she spoke far too sweet for Bartholomew's taste, "we have picked a lovely bride for him, since my brother has seemed unconcerned with his own bloodline." Seeing the look on her brother's grim face, Esmeralda added: "It is far too late to worry about that now brother; you should have attended more delegates and parties. You will like the girl, she is quiet and," Esmeralda paused, her plump face growing sharp, "she is malleable, a trait mother and I find most befitting for you." Of course, they would. The two women had their hands in every pot except those of war, stringing the young lord along as if he were bait at the end of a fishing line. "Stop sulking Bart, it makes your face rather unbecoming." Esmeralda finished her coffee, peering at him over the golden brim of the porcelain cup.


"You cannot do this!" Lord Bartholomew shouted, and was instantly sorry that he did, his face slacked in defeat. "I don’t even know this girl." He pouted and voiced his discontent, slumping back into the chair. Bartholomew slowly shook his head, and his dark eyes admitted defeat as they pulled again to the floor. "It is not fair, you know, not fair at all. What manner of girl would marry a man without knowing him, anyways? Is she hiding something?"


Lady Theodora sighed heavily, irritably. She gave her youngest child and admonishing stare and tapped her lips with her gloved hand. "Her name is Princess Shia, and she is from the eastern holds. They do things very differently in the East, as you well know. She was bred in a world of culture and wisdom. The young maid is a scholar in her own lands, and well respected. It would do you well to marry her, for she is a pretty thing, with a kind heart. This marriage will bring more than an heir. It will stake our holds on two ends of the continent." The noblewoman's hawk like nose, almost a copy of Bartholomew's, turned upwards, and in that debasing face she looked much more like a hawk set on its prey. "No sense in whining about it now, son."


The young lord glared at them in silence, and Matteous's chuckles did not help him at all. Friend! Ha! The captain at arms was too busy having a laugh at his expense to be any kind of a friend now. Bartholomew brushed another lock of unruly black hair from his face. He squared his shoulders, and wrinkled his face in a manner that accentuated the sharpness of his nose. The unmarried young man thought he was giving his mother and sister a hard glare, but from their end his eyes seemed to widen with apprehension, not irritation. Lord Bartholomew tugged at the bottom of his plain jerkin, and stepped slowly from behind the massive oak desk.



"It is about time, Bart." Matteous stood, clasping his thick hand on Bartholomew's shoulder. "You want to be a man, and so you should learn how men behave. War and fighting and leading are only a part of manhood, boy. A family with a good wife and beautiful babies completes a man unlike any sword, bow, or baugh could. You would do well to listen to your mother and sister, for they have always had your best interests at heart."


And their own, Bartholomew thought, but instead he said "I am not ready for this responsibility. I cannot even take care of myself without mother ordering my bath, for Gaia's sakes! Yet you all think I should marry some girl from some country in the east, and then everything will be just fine. In fact, you expect me to attend some party and just meet this girl, and then be married by the Fall Festival! The party is tonight, and the Festival less than a month, you think I should love this girl by then? Are you all mad?" He pounded his fist on the table, knocking his now cold coffee to the floor.


Esmeralda gave a start in her seat, but it was Lady Theodora who answered her son. "Young man, your father and I had never met before our wedding day. It was an arranged marriage, and I loved him the moment the priest blessed us. That is life, son. Even your sister and Matteous had only met a few times before they were wed. Matteous was always too busy and off to this campaign or that, but your father asked him to marry your sister, and they did so. And you would dare to say that our marriages were wrong? How you spit on tradition son, you shame us and look down on our lives and our loves with your discontent. It is you who should be ashamed, and not I nor your sister."


The noble and sometimes cold Lady Theodora paused for a moment, her light eyes penetrating her son. “I have lost my husband. My life has been shrouded with death and war. I need something beautiful to look forward to, dear son. Do not deny me this.”


Bartholomew gave one, flat look at Matteous, and then the man moved faster than he ever had before. Bartholomew flew from the room as quickly as if a pack of wild hounds bit at his heels, and before any could stop him the brass inlaid door slammed shut behind him. The younger brother ran down the hall, knocking servants and noble cousins alike out of his way. His face was tight with sweat and consternation as the boy leaped over the small gate, heading straight for the stables. Bartholomew saddled his mare in such a quick and careless fashion that Fenzick, the stableman, nearly had to tackle the young lord before he hurt himself, or the horse. Once the nobleman's steed, Marrigan, was properly saddled, the young lord jumped upon it and rode through the gates without as much as a glance to his shouting mother and sister.
 
I believe I was one of those who read this first time through, DG, and I did notice the changes. Much improved, from memory. I see you've taken a step towards embracing the glorious comma. Well, a little, anyway.

So, a few changes I would make. As ever, discard as you will...

It had not been a night of rest for the young Lord Bartholomew. He had risen well before dawn and found himself in the courtyard, practicing with his sword. Young still by any standards, battle had not yet hardened his face, though he was strong and thick nonetheless. The boy had been raised in the shadow of his father, a well respected and feared warrior who had guided his son with a hand that had been as quick to praise the boy as to whip him. Bartholomew gripped the hilt of his sword, the thick metal and inlaid rubies cold against his sweaty hand. {A little contraction in this par to eliminate repitition and aid flow}


As dawn came, Bartholomew remembered the last day he had seen his father.


"Ho there, boy, where are you going?" Lord Drake asked from his horse, his face darkened by the bright summer sun behind him.


"With you, Pa, of course." Bartholomew tried to climb on the massive war horse he'd led from the stables. His father smiled, reaching out a hand.
{Small point - where did this horse come from?}

"Your mother will have my head if I let you go, boy." His father used a gauntleted hand to rub his black moustache. "Besides, this war has no place for a boy who can barely get on his steed."


Bartholomew sat up straight in his saddle, adjusting his chain mail. "You went on campaigns when you were half my age, Pa."


"True, son, but that was a different time, and the enemy not so great." The lord leaned over, clasping the boy's shoulder. "Besides, I had four younger brothers to stay home and watch over your grandmother. You can't leave women to their own devices, boy. Gaia knows what they would be up to."
{I'd cut some of the 'Pa's and 'boy's, repitition again starting to grate}

"There's always the house guard - that's what they're for." Bartholomew almost pouted, realizing the trap his father had set. Go, and he would leave the women with no protector. It was an unfair play on the boy's pride.


"Bah, they are not worth a spit, and you know it." The armoured man leaned across his horse and gave his son a hard hug. Quicker than his son could notice, Lord Drake reached down and undid the saddle strap. "You are brave boy, I'll give you that much. I'll tell you what, Bartholemew - if you can stay in your saddle, you can come."


Bartholomew, at fifteen years old, found himself staring into his father’s hard, dark eyes. There was a warmth of pride and strength in Lord Drake’s eyes. Bartholomew had never felt so proud, so adult. He shook away the tears that were forming in his own eyes, and saw - much to his surprise - his father wipe a tear from his scarred cheek.


The lord gave his son a last smile and spurred his horse without a word or backward glance. Bartholomew kicked his own steed, not intending to be left behind and miss the greatest battle of his young life.


The saddle fell away, and Bartholomew tumbled to the ground face first. He pounded his fist into the earth, and watched his father join the armies outside the open gate.


That was his last memory of his father, watching the man ride to his army without another glance to spare for his son. Bartholomew would never forget how the armour had sparkled in the sunlight, how the horned helm had bobbed atop the massive steed, and how the big green flags rippled in the sun as they shadowed his father to war and death.
{A little expansion here to up the drama, as well as better define as past - if that makes any sense...}

The bright sun had not lifted the young lord’s spirits. Bartholomew found himself in a particularly foul mood as he stomped from the courtyard and to his study. It was well that the servants recognized his frustration and, in the manner of many castle servants, kept themselves silently invisible. Bartholomew chose to ignore the whisperings of his ill temper that started just after he passed them. Gossipers, the lot of them.


"Bartholomew!" Lady Theodora cried out as she walked in his study, trailed by Lord Bartholomew's elder sister. "Set your maps and counting aside for now, son." The woman sat in the large chair opposite Bartholomew, her gold and green gown embroidered with a multitude of small, intricate vines and flowers. She fanned her face with an equally designed silk fan, but the look on her face was nothing short of abrupt and almost, Bartholomew thought, condemning. “You have not chosen a bride yet, son.”


“Mother, please. There is more at hand than my choice of a wife,” Bartholomew grunted.


“I know you are preparing another campaign east. Tell me, do you really think you should leave without a seed to carry on?”


“Mother, not now!” Bartholomew shouted, his curled fist thudding onto the table top. A vial of ink spilled over and he uttered a curse.


“You are sixteen years old now, Bartholomew. That does not mean you are a man and it does not give you permission to use such language in my presence. Secondly, young man, it is our tradition that you be married before you ride off to war. Boys do not go to war, men do.”


"Listen to our mother, Bart," Esmeralda said, her younger son situated on her hip. Unlike her mother, the noble daughter wore a plain green robe with little embroidery other than across the high neckline, in reverence of her earth-goddess. She let her hair lay loosely braided. Esmeralda had little care for the twisting and twining involved getting her long black locks to fit in the steeped henin her mother favored.


Lord Bartholomew answered them with a scoff and a wave of his hand to dismiss them from his office. "I am busy, ladies. If you will show yourselves to the door?"


"Planning your campaign, I know. There is always time for war, boy. There is not always time for life,” Esmeralda said, leaning over his desk and studying Ursula's Pass. "Father would not want you wasting your life on his revenge." Plump and pretty, his sister's soft face was a mask for the calculating and intelligent woman, one that many a man fell in love with only to be handed their own hearts by her sometimes cruel hand. "This is insanity, brother, and you know this."


"You think I should forget our father’s death? That I should not be angry enough to send all of our men to their death? And to send myself? This is war, Em. Do you think our father would want me to let them be?" Bartholomew's young voice trembled with anger. "They killed our father!" He shouted now, only inches from Esmeralda's face. His nephew began to cry and Esmeralda glared back, shushing the boy.

I'll leave it there - I should really stop procrastinating and get on with my own writing. But I hope that's helped in some small way. Luck with the rest!
 
Thanks Cul! Very helpful, and yep, I've been learning those evil commas again. I know I used to know them very well, LOL.

Ok I will cut down on the repetition.

"A little contraction in this par to eliminate repitition and aid flow"

I'm not sure what you mean? Can you explain better for me please?

 
Well, let's see. What was I talking about?

It had not been a night of rest for the young Lord Bartholomew. He had risen well before dawn and found himself in the courtyard, practicing with his sword. Lord Bartholomew was young still by any standards. Battle had not yet hardened his face, but he was strong and thick nonetheless. The boy had been raised in the shadow of his father, a well respected and feared warrior who had guided his son with a quick and heavy hand that had been just as quick to praise the boy as to whip him. Bartholomew gripped the hilt of his sword, the thick metal and inlaid rubies were cold against his sweaty hand.

It had not been a night of rest for the young Lord Bartholomew. He had risen well before dawn and found himself in the courtyard, practicing with his sword. Young still by any standards, battle had not yet hardened his face, though he was strong and thick nonetheless. The boy had been raised in the shadow of his father, a well respected and feared warrior who had guided his son with a hand that had been as quick to praise the boy as to whip him. Bartholomew gripped the hilt of his sword, the thick metal and inlaid rubies cold against his sweaty hand.

Ah, that's right. Okay, take the first four sentences. We have 'Lord Bartholomew' twice, which was a little ungainly, I thought, so I scratched that. Replacements: plain 'Bartholomew' or 'he'. The first is servicable, but the second would be consecutive sentences beginning with 'He...', which, while not against the law, I prefer to avoid if possible. So to give a little variation and morepunch, I combined those two sentences. It's still a little clumsy, I think, but you get rid of the reps, contract it, and to my mind improve the flow.

Next sentence was just a little over-long, I thought. Got rid of one of the 'quicks' (repitition again) and with that went the 'and heavy' which I thought was redundant. The pertinent information is there in the second half of the sentence. Removing the 'just' again I felt just made it sharper and helped flow.

Last sentence. Really, it reads like two seperate sentences or thoughts. I flirted with a semi-colon for the comma, but in the end I went for taking away the 'were', which works better. Again a flow issue with a simple fix.

Well, I hope that's a little clearer for you, DG!
 
Well, let's see. What was I talking about?





Ah, that's right. Okay, take the first four sentences. We have 'Lord Bartholomew' twice, which was a little ungainly, I thought, so I scratched that. Replacements: plain 'Bartholomew' or 'he'. The first is servicable, but the second would be consecutive sentences beginning with 'He...', which, while not against the law, I prefer to avoid if possible. So to give a little variation and morepunch, I combined those two sentences. It's still a little clumsy, I think, but you get rid of the reps, contract it, and to my mind improve the flow.

Next sentence was just a little over-long, I thought. Got rid of one of the 'quicks' (repitition again) and with that went the 'and heavy' which I thought was redundant. The pertinent information is there in the second half of the sentence. Removing the 'just' again I felt just made it sharper and helped flow.

Last sentence. Really, it reads like two seperate sentences or thoughts. I flirted with a semi-colon for the comma, but in the end I went for taking away the 'were', which works better. Again a flow issue with a simple fix.

Well, I hope that's a little clearer for you, DG!

Yes much better, thank you!

PS: Aside from the grammar stuff, is it interesting? I mean, does it incite one to care about where Bart is going with his life? Because if not, then that will really screw up chapter three and the rest of the book.
 
Yeah, that would probably help.

It certainly held my attention, and there are clear threads drawing you on. I'm not sure it's something I'd read at the moment, but I definitely think there would be an audience for it. What sort of audience is it aimed at, by the way? I'm guessing YA?

I remember some mention of gryphons in the original...? That might keep me reading, if they are still hanging around.
 
Yeah, that would probably help.

It certainly held my attention, and there are clear threads drawing you on. I'm not sure it's something I'd read at the moment, but I definitely think there would be an audience for it. What sort of audience is it aimed at, by the way? I'm guessing YA?

I remember some mention of gryphons in the original...? That might keep me reading, if they are still hanging around.

Yes, the griffons are still around and will be showing up in part 2....

I am going to add some other peeps into the party, the elves, and such...I just havent worked it all out for chapter 3 yet.

And I am aiming at the young adult audience, kind of following the dragonlance tradition.

Glad to hear it held your attention!
 
Hi DG,

Cul pretty much covered it all.

Young still by any standards, battle had not yet hardened his face, though he was strong and thicknonetheless. Thick? Was he muscular and well built, or a little soft in the head? Paused me to think that's all.

You are sixteen years old now, Bartholomew. That does not mean you are a man and it does not give you permission to use such language in my presence. Secondly, young man, it is our tradition that you be married before you ride off to war. Boys do not go to war, men do.”

"Listen to our mother, Bart." Esmeralda said,

Knowing your market - young adults - means you can think like them. 'A specific market.' That's an advantage. You can appeal to there sense of emotions, likes, dislikes and such. What you're writing has a setting, as an example, like that of medieval England. And I think you're trying to capture the setting too realistically. What I'm saying is 'appeal' to your market as well. Relax the stiff and formal dialogue. Your market had enough of that iduring English classes.

You're sixteen years old now, Bartholomew. That doesn't mean you're a man and it does not give you permission to use such language in my presence. Secondly, young man, it is our tradition that you be married before you ride off to war. Boys do not go to war, men do.”

"Listen to our mother, Bart." Esmeralda said,

You notice I relaxed the first half of the dialogue but not the second. She speaks WITH her son in the front...and talks TO him at the end. You have done this yourself in the beginning of the second paragraph. BART. You shortened his name to give the piece an informal feeling.

Hunt through your post and do the same. Then re-read. I think you'll be mildly surprised how the flow begins to pull the reader through , rather than drag them through.

Oh, and I agree with Cul, Bart's horse scene. His father reaches down as if to give his son a hand up. Later he leaned over? to place a hand on his son's shoulder. Bart in the meantime sits straight in his saddle adjusting his armour. Where did the horse come from, did his lord lean down, meaning Bart was on a pony? You refer to him being unable to mount a massive war horse. At first I thought Bart was seated behind his father, but when you say his father leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder, I thought maybe he screwed himself around but that's a bit hard to do with full armour I should imagine. I guess the point here is Credibility and believing what you're reading.

Lastly, I think you write very well. Tidy up what Cul has said and IMO and POV only take on board whats been commented. Flush your next chapter through and I think all your chapters thereafter should be satisfyingly smug *g* if only in your eyes LOL.

Good luck dg.
 
Hi DG,

Cul pretty much covered it all.

Young still by any standards, battle had not yet hardened his face, though he was strong and thicknonetheless. Thick? Was he muscular and well built, or a little soft in the head? Paused me to think that's all.

You are sixteen years old now, Bartholomew. That does not mean you are a man and it does not give you permission to use such language in my presence. Secondly, young man, it is our tradition that you be married before you ride off to war. Boys do not go to war, men do.”

"Listen to our mother, Bart." Esmeralda said,

Knowing your market - young adults - means you can think like them. 'A specific market.' That's an advantage. You can appeal to there sense of emotions, likes, dislikes and such. What you're writing has a setting, as an example, like that of medieval England. And I think you're trying to capture the setting too realistically. What I'm saying is 'appeal' to your market as well. Relax the stiff and formal dialogue. Your market had enough of that iduring English classes.

You're sixteen years old now, Bartholomew. That doesn't mean you're a man and it does not give you permission to use such language in my presence. Secondly, young man, it is our tradition that you be married before you ride off to war. Boys do not go to war, men do.”

"Listen to our mother, Bart." Esmeralda said,

You notice I relaxed the first half of the dialogue but not the second. She speaks WITH her son in the front...and talks TO him at the end. You have done this yourself in the beginning of the second paragraph. BART. You shortened his name to give the piece an informal feeling.

Hunt through your post and do the same. Then re-read. I think you'll be mildly surprised how the flow begins to pull the reader through , rather than drag them through.

Oh, and I agree with Cul, Bart's horse scene. His father reaches down as if to give his son a hand up. Later he leaned over? to place a hand on his son's shoulder. Bart in the meantime sits straight in his saddle adjusting his armour. Where did the horse come from, did his lord lean down, meaning Bart was on a pony? You refer to him being unable to mount a massive war horse. At first I thought Bart was seated behind his father, but when you say his father leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder, I thought maybe he screwed himself around but that's a bit hard to do with full armour I should imagine. I guess the point here is Credibility and believing what you're reading.

Lastly, I think you write very well. Tidy up what Cul has said and IMO and POV only take on board whats been commented. Flush your next chapter through and I think all your chapters thereafter should be satisfyingly smug *g* if only in your eyes LOL.

Good luck dg.

Thank you.

That scene has been a pain in my butt. Basically, both are on a horse. The boy's horse isn't smaller, but the boy is, so its not much for his father to lean over the boy when both are right next to each other.
 
My comments:

1) The scene with Lord Bartholomew, his father, and the warhorse bothered me in two ways. Firstly, it tells me that his father is not a man who can say 'no' to his son. He realizes that he's about to go to battle and this is the last time he may see his son, but the last thing we see is him telling Bart that he can go if Bart does something simple, then making it so Bart is unable to do so.

Secondly, what he did was dangerous. I don't know how realistic you wanted to be, but falling off a moving horse can result in anything from a few bruises to a snapped neck. And we're talking about a horse so big that Bart needs a hand to get onto it. It's an odd way to end a scene in which the father is being protective.

2) As Bartholomew is now Lord, should he not be referred to a Lord Drake?

3) “Mother, please. There is more at hand than my choice of a wife.” Bartholomew grunted.

That doesn't sound like a 'grunt.' Also, you might want to include the actual curse he uses if he's going to be rebuked for it.

4) The emotions in the confrontation between Bart and his mother are strange. First, it's:
“Mother, not now!” Bartholomew shouted, his curled fist thudding onto the table top. A vial of ink spilled over and he uttered a curse.

Then: Lord Bartholomew answered them with a scoff and a wave of his hand to dismiss them from his office. "I am busy, ladies. If you will show yourselves to the door?"


Then he goes back to being angry. First, he's furious, then mildly annoyed, then angry, and then furious. There's no explanation for the sudden dip in his anger/frustration. I'd have him start by scoffing and waving them off, then grow angry, then shout and pound his fist, and then run off.

5) Matteous gave both women a sweeping kiss across their cheeks. With a second kiss for his wife he picked up his youngest son and tossed the giggling toddler in the air.

Whoa! Ninja wife and baby! Did they just pop into existence when he opened the door? Oh wait, Esmeralda is the wife. Then why all those details painting her as a cruel seductress eight years after she'd been married? Is she having affairs? Anyways, I think that when you have Lady Theodora and Esmeralda enter, you might want to mention the child entering as well.

Okay, enough of picking things apart. Here are some general thoughts.

The boy is a whiner, the sister is a bitch, and the mother is mostly bitch. Unsurprisingly, I find myself disliking all of the characters.

My suggestions:

Give Bartholomew a redeeming feature and impress us with it before you have him acting like a spoiled brat.

Theodora and Esmeralda think the same things, want the same things, and talk the same way. They're the same character. Either combine them or make them different from one another.
 
First off, thank you for your comments.

As Bartholomew is now Lord, should he not be referred to a Lord Drake?--No, because his name is Bartholomew and his father's name was Drake. Not using the last name.

Consider the first part a test of readiness. Obviously if you aren't able to stay on your horse when your saddle strap is undone, then how can you possilby stay on your horse at battle? It has nothing to do with saying no to his son, its teaching the boy a lesson about his current position in life. One that, while not exactly the same, is reminiscent of my own dad. Or the type of parent who makes thier kid smoke cigarettes until they get sick when they are caught smoking, ect, ect.

I don't know if you have much family, but when dealing with family your emotions can go from furious to calm and back to furious rather quickly depending on the family's responses to you.

I did not paint her as a cruel seductress, I think you misread the statement. Personally, I'm a mother of three and even when I was married, I got hit on all the time. I never said she was seducing them, why would you even assmume that? I said, specifically: sister's soft face was a mask for the calculating and intelligent woman, one that many a man fell in love with, only to be handed their own hearts by her sometimes cruel hand I never said she fell in love, or seduced them.
No, I will not combine Theodora and Esmeralda because a lot of daughters act like thier mothers, and that is a very important part in the upcoming chapters.

It is not that hard to kiss someones cheek while taking the baby out of thier arms. The baby did not magically appear, either. Listen to our mother, Bart." Esmeralda said, her younger son situated on her hip First line of introducing Esmeralda.

"The boy is a whiner, the sister is a bitch, and the mother is mostly bitch. Unsurprisingly, I find myself disliking all of the characters."

Well, you wouldn't survive to spit in my family. In many families there is a mother who wants to control everyone, one child who follows her, and one child who tries to break away from her. I don't see them as bitches, do you happen to think that strong, independent women are bitches? The boy is not a whiner, he is a kid who lost his dad and a year later is trying to find himself, fend off his mother's control of him, and define his place in the world---seperate from his family's.

I don't see Bart acting like a spoiled brat. I see him trying to plan the revenge of his father's death and define his own life, but being constricted by the ruling matriarchy of his family. His mother and sister are older and, in the traditional way that mother and big sisters do, trying to force what they know best on him. Obviously, he doesn't think that is best for him.

I don't think they are bitches, and I don't think he is a whiner. And if they are, I don't know many powerful independent and smart women that aren't bitches in thier own sort of way. I've been accused of the same thing by my younger siblings on many an occasion, because I am the protective, overbearing older sister and mother. I don't think Bart is a whiner at all, I think he is a very frustrated teenager. He's planning a war, for pity's sakes. He's allowed to be a little irritated.

PS: The first time I rode a dirt bike, my dad threw me on it, hit the throttle, and told me to hold on. You learn how to ride pretty dang quick that way. I learned how to swim when he threw me into the creek. Dangerous, mabye, but for pity's sakes, the entire world is dangerous and you have to learn to hold your own a bit. I survived.

 
Firstly, my opinion is only that: my opinion. Only you can determine how valuable my evaluation is to you and your work.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

You put your work up for response.
I gave you one.

You've wasted 700 words explaining to me how my response was wrong. My response was not wrong; it was just not what you wanted to hear. But, your ego is not what's important here, your story is.
 
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Firstly, my opinion is only that: my opinion. Only you can determine how valuable my evaluation is to you and your work.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

You put your work up for response.
I gave you one.

You've wasted 700 words explaining to me how my response was wrong. My response was not wrong; it was just not what you wanted to hear. But, your ego is not what's important here, your story is.

Its not ego at all, and I think that I should be able to explain and respond to a critique. I never said your response was wrong. It just doesn't work for me.
 
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