Starting sentences :: I need some help.

[Chigun]

Alright. First off I'm writing a SF novel and I'm 20,000 words in. The quick synopsis here is it's a technologically advanced society with ten sectors, large towers called Overhead Nodes in each, a mechanical ring rotates the planet in space emitting impulses to the tower and then to computer chips in people's brains. (Cute, huh?) Below the man-built surface is the planet's surface, where a more fantasy world takes place (though a bit darker. No sunbathed fields.)

The story is nice and all-- but my writing smells like week old cheese in a bakery sale. In that I mean it's too technical. Each sentence begins with someone's name. "He [verb]", "Rachael's finger [verb]" Sometimes I'll mix it up and do this: "[verb] her ears, she..."

I'm sick of starting sentences the same damn way for 60,000+ words and it's starting to be my major weakness. I'll elaborate because I know you're just dying to help me. On top of starting sentences with someone’s name and then an action, I'll often allude to their body parts (ie. eye) doing the actions.

For example: Repus' eye glowered at the women and their pet dog.
2nd example: Shawn's feet hurried over the moist pebbles.

Someone tell me-- is there a better way? (Lie to me if you must.) After a few shining .02 has been bestowed upon me, I do have a few other questions.

Thanks dogs.

-Chi=GUN=
​

 

[Peter Graham]

You're making life too difficult for yourself!

Shawn's feet is a good example. What you actually mean is that all of Shawn is moving (not just his feet). I can see that you are trying to give a bit of colour and imagery and quite right too. But I wonder if you're rushing at it a bit. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if every sentence is starting with "he", I suspect that the action is moving at a rattling pace - perhaps too fast!

Give yourself a bit of breathing space:-

"Shawn moved swiftly. As he crossed the street, his feet slipped on the wet cobbles. The gutters were already choked with a swirling river of rainwater and slops. "No place to lose my footing", thought Shawn as he ducked under the archway of The Dancing Bear."

Regards,

Peter Graham

 

[chrispenycate]

There are nine and sixty ways
of constructing tribal lays
andevery single one of them is right

The concept of "better" doesn't hold here, or you wouldn't have written that many pages before it shocked you. The concept is "more varied" Certainly, there is a wide range of techniques for constructing sentences, but deliberately setting out to use more of them? I suspect the writing would come out sounding very synthetic.
How about doing a series of ultra short stories, one where every sentence began with a subordinate clause, one where the verb always fell at the end of the sentence? The stories themselves would almost certainly be bad, but that isn't the point; just as some people naturally write long, rambling sentences with many subordinate clauses (and, frquently, parenthetical interjections) and have to be forced to stop by the ends of chapters, others have naturally chopped up ideas. Each has to learn. A "he strikes him", then "he hits back" rhythm rarely works for long (nor the other for short.
Still, you don't seem to have too much difficulty using differing structures ib this post; could it be a fault of thinking "this is how stories are written"? Or an illusion; after you've written that much, the feeling "this is without hope"? Mayhap you should post a short excerpt in critiques (abd yes, we are dying to help you. if only for the purely selfish reason that analysing someone elses problem is frequently a way of getting a handle on one's own.

 

[Chigun]

Thanks for the posts fellas. I think you hit the nail on the head, Peter, when you said the pace is too fast. Unfortunately I started the story a few years back (recently picking up on it) and I felt obligated to continue in the shaky manner I began in. I'll try to give myself some breathing space.

I used to write long, rambling sentences Chris and I think I overcompensated by changing to the "he strikes" variety. In any case I'll post a short chapter I wrote in critique. Thanks!

Edit:: Well, maybe not. Most of the pieces I can post aren't "family friendly." I'm a fan of violence. ..>.>;

My next question (I may be moving away from the subject of this thread, please don't slay me.) is about adjectives. I hear people say to avoid these; yet they are riddled in so many books I pick up and read. Without adjectives the world seems so dry, so to what extent should they be used?

I'm also considering starting a new project and launching the one I'm working on now into space. I'm sick of it, to be frank. I've worked on it, and sidestories of it, for a couple years. The writing varies at different points that reflect different parts of my life. It starts with a flare of narrative like "The Scarlet Letter" then abandons it completely. What do you all think? Should I release the baggage and begin a new project? Or should I trudge on so I can say "I wrote a novel." sooner?

Thanks again

-Chi=Gun=

 

[Birol]

Peter gave some excellent examples for varying the writing.

Now, first, take a deep breath. Novels aren't written overnight. Yours won't be any exception. Whether or not they are published, first novels are a learning opportunity.

You say that you have only picked this story up again after a hiatus of a few years and are trying to pick up exactly where you left off? That's probably a bit of your problem. You're not the same person you were a few years ago. You've matured as an individual and, presumably, as a writer. You won't be telling the same story that you would've written a few years ago. Take another deep breath. Save the material that you have now in a separate file -- wouldn't want to trash it completely -- then open a new document, and begin anew, as the person and writer you are now. Just don't use this advice as an excuse to start and begin over and over again whenever the writing becomes work, because, at some point in any lengthy project, the writing will become work. You'll be sick of it. You'll think it is dreck and tripe and want to work on something new and shiny. If you make a habit of giving in to that feeling, then you will never finish. You have to push through until it is fun again and you reach The End.

As for the advice about adjectives, I think what you're actually talking about is the standard advice to avoid adverbs. You know, those pesky things that modify verbs and adjectives and other adverbs and can make for soft, lazy writing?

The thing about writing is, none of the so-called rules or axioms you have heard or will hear are absolutes. They're meant more as guidelines than ironclad pronouncements of write and wrong. Adverbs are a tool of the writer's trade and are not absolutely forbidden. They just must be used with care.

I interviewed a local craftsman once, who made his living working in iron. For the most part, he made railings and fixtures for public buildings, but he also created unique window coverings, porch railings (especially for the elderly), iron chandeliers, banisters for staircases, etc. As part of the interview, he told me that he usually advised people to avoid medallions, the decorative elements that people use to make iron work seem less severe, because they were very easy to over do, but he made an exception when he was creating window work. Those, he said, should always have one medallion in order to prevent them from looking like prison bars.

Adverbs are the same as medallions in ironwork. They are very easy to over do and should be used with caution and care, but in the right place, they add the perfect touch to keep the writing from being too stark and severe.

 

[Erin99]

I agree with Birol! Adverbs should be used sparingly, in places where it will give the best effect. Take, for example:

Emily ran quickly down the path, rushing speedily towards the main street; she didn't stop running excitedly until she arrived at her destination, the sweetshop.

That's an example of a bad use of adverbs (the adverbs in my example are each modifying verbs, and these word combinations can be replaced with a strong verb instead). Then read this, and note the difference:

Emily rushed down the path towards the main street; she didn't stop racing until she arrived at her destination, the sweetshop.

There are no verb-adverb combinations -- just strong verbs, which keep the writing strong too.


Adjectives have a different problem. Instead of modifying verbs and adjectives, which is what most adverbs do, adjectives are used to add colour to a description. Hence:

Michael stared at the smooth curves on the car. This sleek, metallic red Ferrari would soon be his.

That is an example of using adjectives to convey just enough description without your sentence being flat (i.e., Michael stared at the curves on the car. This red Ferrari would soon be his. Bland, no?)

Then again, you can have too many adjectives, which will start to feel as though you are reciting a list, not engaging our senses:

Michael stared at the smooth, shiny, polished curves on the car. This sleek, racy, bright red metallic Ferrari sports car would soon be his.

Eek!

 

[Birol]

I agree with Birol!

You sound like you're surprised by this.

 

[Frank menser]

On the other hand Adjectives and Adverbs can flavor your writing so that it actually is more than a Lean Cusine construction. Certain forms of writing improve with the addition (particularly poetry).

Perhaps the biggest diservice to writers was the creation of what has become almost the voice of God in some circles, "Thou shalt minimalise Adjectives and Adverbs..."

Just remember that one of the most sucessful writers of modern times has been called the Adjective Queen...and Harry potter did 'amazingly' well.

Think of those parts of speech as spice. Used well, they flavor the food. Too much is bad for the gut, but too little makes for a bland meal.

~Frank

 

[lin robinson]

There are a lot of ways to skin the cat other than standard sentence structure like you cite in you original post.

If you don't want to start with Shawn, why do it? Start with the pebbles.

The pebbles clicked under Shawn's feet as....

Moving as quietly as possible across the moist pebbles, Shawn....

His path to the house led across treacherous moist pebbles...

A lot of this is merely the rhythm of your prose. Falling into a repetitive structure is like literary sing song. Not a bad thing in itself, could be useful. Hemingway didn't mind trotting us down the trail with the cadence of Grand Canyon donkeys.

But, generally, you probably want to mix up your riffs, and match more sonorous sentences to passages of less action, etc.

 

[Peter Graham]

>My next question (I may be moving away from the subject of this thread, >please don't slay me.) is about adjectives. I hear people say to avoid these; >yet they are riddled in so many books I pick up and read. Without >adjectives the world seems so dry, so to what extent should they be used?

Don't worry too much about The Rules. I agree with other contributors in this thread that overuse of adjectives is poor form, but no use of adjectives will just make for dull writing and very dull descriptions.

"Shawn saw a dog looking down at him. It had teeth and a tail. It looked like it might attack" is less interesting to read than "Shawn saw a rangy wolfhound looking down at him. Its teeth were bared and its straggling tail was held motionless in the air. "It's going to strike..."

>Should I release the baggage and begin a new project? Or should I trudge >on so I can say "I wrote a novel." sooner?

This has to be entirely up to you! Do what you enjoy and don't worry too much about the consequences. Unless what you enjoy is illegal.....

Regards,

Peter

 

[JonCG]

Look at a couple of novels you like and see how the writer starts the sentences. Write a handful of them out for yourself, so you see where they turn around commas or stop for breath and then use exactly the same construction for one of your sentences and see how it feels. Well, that's my penny's worth.

 

[lin robinson]

Anytime you see somebody adjuring against the use of a part of speech or language device, they are full of crap.

We have adjectives, adverbs, semi-colons, etc. for a reason. They are there to be used.

Voice over in film, flashback, dream sequences, action, bloodshed, tear-jerking, happy endings: all are devices that have been used and misused by the greats and the losers.

What would you think of somebody who said you should avoid using a certain color in a painting? Or certain chords in music?

When somebody starts telling you something is out of bounds, forget them. Don't make eye contact. Notify the improper authorities.

 

[Chigun]

Lot's of really great advice here, thanks a bundle. I got warped by some instructors, whom limited my writing (no this, that and the other). I was down to the "Shawn saw a dog looking down at him. It had teeth and a tail" sentences.

I'll rely more on adjectives in moderation. Adverb wise... I never liked those pesky critters! But as Birol said, they can add the perfect touch if used correctly. I believe I'll start on a new project. I'm going to see it through to the end or I'll stick a toothpick in my eye!

Off to write. Cheers for now~

-Chi=GUN=

 

[Spectrum]

When somebody starts telling you something is out of bounds, forget them. Don't make eye contact. Notify the improper authorities.

LOL, this quote is great. I want to put it in my sig, but it seems there are no sigs on this board... :/

 

[lin robinson]

Shawn saw a dog looking down at him. It had teeth and a tail

Come on, we know dogs have teeth and tails. You need to cut to the bone if you're going to get published in snotty little journals with circulations of 500 constipated English profs.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Bad adjective use:

As the frightened, mousy girl watched with wide, purple eyes, the lenghty and hawk-nosed man slipped the smoothly taunt black leather glove over his thick, cracked hands.

Good adjective use:

Purple eyes sparkled with fear as she watched the hawkish man slip the black gloves over his thick fingers.

 

[lin robinson]

Even worse adjective use: Hawkish and lengthy, the taunting black man gloved into fright the wide, purple mouse/grirl.

Use spellchecker to catch things like lengthy. Read over to catch things like taut.